Thursday Thirteen, Edition #35

Thirteen Reasons To Ship The Human Pet Off To Las Vegas

1. She's lost too much weight, and Vegas has the biggest and best buffets in the world!

2. Cirque du Soleil is now accepting applications for freaks. She's a shoe-in!

3. Four days of absolute calm with no obligations to demonstrate affection.

4. Perhaps Criss Angel can make her disappear...permanently.

5. The Roller Coaster at New York-New York might jostle some sense into her.

6. Maybe while she's there, she can get hooked up with a phat new ride from the King of Cars.

7. It's all together possible that she can teach Rob Mariano how to play poker properly.

8. Because maybe Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, needs a Mrs. Las Vegas.

9. I asked her to bring me home a bunny from The Bunny Ranch.

10. It's like sending her to Paris, but not quite.

11. I wanted her to meet my friends at MGM Grand's Lion Habitat.

12. My human pet thought Houston was bleeping hot. This will definitely learn her!

13. The real reason: To celebrate her parents' 50th birthdays as well as their 30th wedding anniversary! Congratulations to my pseudo-grandparents!

Kitty Swap

Dear Zeus,

Hello there! My name is Stephen Lambert, creator of the provocative hit television show, Wife Swap, on ABC. Perhaps you are familiar with the concept of the program: Two families who have two very different sets of values are asked to participate in a challenge lasting two weeks. The wives of the families are switched, and whatever happens after that is completely left to those involved. Most of the time, there is mayhem and strange antics, followed by screeching voices and plenty of tantrums.

I have been wanting to put myself into a new creative project. After all: Not everyone in America is married, has kids, or even for that matter, lives the life of heterosexual bliss. There are plenty of people who are being left out from the possible viewing audience of Wife Swap, and it is those people that I wish to reach.

I would like to extend an offer to you for my new upcoming program entitled Kitty Swap. The basic premise would be the same: Two families of two different backgrounds with two totally different felines would exchange their cats for two whole weeks. Our cameras would follow the antics that ensue, and after the prescribed time, each cat will be given time to remark on the other's families with candid, heartwrenching remarks.

I do hope you contact me soon so we can begin to make plans for programming. I already have the perfect swap in mind so please do not hesitate. You can reach me either by my cell phone number or email.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Stephen Lambert
Creator of Wife Swap

Bad News

Dear Zeus,

Hello, dear friend! How have you been? I have been busy handling casting interviews for our upcoming season of The Amazing Race and helping our staff pick exotic locations and challenges for our latest group of contestants. It has definitely been keeping me busy. I haven't had much time for anything else.

I had been perusing your blog the other day when I noticed you brought up the issue of why CBS had not reinstated The Amazing Zeus. I thought it was time we discussed this as it has certainly put a wall in the midst of our friendship. It's a rather long story, so I hope you bear with me as I relate the sad details in proper order.

I had approached Bertram van Munster and Elise Doganieri, the original creators of The Amazing Race, with the idea of the sequel. When I said your name, Elise turned me and said, "Are you serious? We didn't even pull in enough ratings to beat out Treasure Hunters last season! We can't possibly have him try again!" I knew she was right, but I informed her that it might have been because the adventures were too long. Bertram interjected at that point: "Too long is right! I nearly fell asleep watching those cats visit some of those places!"

"If you can figure out a way to make it more exciting, perhaps we'll reconsider. You know sex, drugs, and violence sell. See if Zeus is willing to add a bit of spice to the offer, and then we'll talk again," said Elise.

With that in mind, I went to see Jonathan Littman, the executive producer. He was lounging in his office, ruffling some papers when I stepped inside. He stopped me though as soon as he saw me: "I hear you're trying to pitch this Amazing Zeus sequel idea, and I'm just letting you know it's not going to fly."

"Why not?" I asked.

Jonathan scoffed at me as he spouted, "You're smoking some serious crack! Let's think about it: Cats running all over the nation, visiting inane tourist attractions, having no challenges, and getting all of our financial backing?! Do you know that freakin' cat racked up a $12,930 airline fee alone? You can't be in your right mind if you think that investors are going to line up to sponsor a cat!"

"I thought people really enjoyed the change of pace," I told him sheepishly. "There was something very endearing about seeing their adventures."

"There's nothing endearing about seeing cats talk to a mechanical cow or watching them wiggle their way through a maze of miniature Chinese army men or having Derek Acorah do a psychic reading for them on the streets of London! Forget it, Phil! This is not going to happen!" And with that, he plugged in his iPod and cranked it to full blast to let me know the conversation was over.

I just want you to know, Zeus, that I tried everything in my power to make your sequel happen. I really think the only way it's going to take off is if you find financial backing independently of CBS. I'm sorry, my friend, for the bad news, but I thought you should hear it from me first.

Sincerely,

Phil Keoghan

P.S. Please tell Marina I said hello, and that I love the photos of her on the blog.

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #34

Thirteen Reasons I Need To Get Out Of This House

1. Surely, there is more to life than three bedrooms and two baths.

2. There's only so much one can take of running the house circuit.

3. I watch squirrels, frogs, and even junebugs enjoying freedom. I'd like to think I'm above those lesser lifeforms.

4. Blackie needs more carbonated kitty water stat!

5. Simply because I'm bored, I'd throw down with Cangura.

6. My human pet pays no attention to me.

7. I'm guessing there's more variety in food in the City of Outside.

8. TiVo holds no interest for me anymore.

9. Why hasn't Phil called me for The Amazing Zeus sequel?

10. I'm thinking the grass has to be greener on the other side as compared to the fabulous tan carpet I lay on every day.

11. I'd like to poop somewhere that didn't involve sand.

12. Because felines start to ask questions when you shack up with your sister.

13. Do I even need a reason? Honestly?

www.zeus.com

When your human pet has blessed you with a name such as "Zeus", you begin to ask yourself some important questions such as...

Why, God, why?

Am I going to be the last one picked for a team for kitty dodge ball?

Why does my pet hate me so much as to give me a name that begins with the last letter of the alphabet?

Why can't people just type it right the first time?

Why am I getting kicked out of the bed when I have a god's name which should grant me privilege and honor?

Why, God, why?

And then when you're through questioning, you wonder if there is anyone else running around with a name like your's. Is it possible that perhaps others share this burden of being mistaken for throwing thunderbolts out of the heavens and fathering many powerful children with gods and mortals alike?

And that's perhaps when you decide to Google your name just to find out. Curiosity killed the...well, you know the rest. Sometimes, I wish I just knew when to say when.

There's Zeus Technology offering advanced traffic management. Fantastic: I'm associated with blinking yellow lights on country roads in the middle of nowhere. Yes, that's just what I always wanted.

Then there's The Zeus Experiment. Apparently, 450 physicists decided to get together and throw a party as they watched particle reactions in Hamburg, Germany. Seeing my being associated with such a thing made me want to have a particle reaction of my own.

Oh, and my personal favorite: Zeus Industrial Products. From extruded tubing to nylon tubing, they can handle all your tubing needs! Let's just get one thing straight right now: There's nothing COOL about being associated with fluoropolymer tubing and heat shrink!

Why can't all the Zeuses (Or is it Zeusi?) unite and have a cool website like the Erics of this world?

I'm putting in for a name change immediately. Any suggestions?

Wooing Females, Tip #294

While conducting research on the female feline mind, I came across this rare, dusty artifact on a local library shelf:



Much can be learned from this video, namely:

1. In 1916, cats were much more unlikely to be uneducated. Waitink? I think not.

2. In the past, interspecies relationships were tolerated. Why is this not the case now?

3. My theory: The high rate of domestic mouse-on-cat violence.

4. Cats were the first to use hybrid vehicles for travel as is demonstrated by the unique aero-mobile.

5. Before serenading the love of your life, make sure you have the right address.

Smells like teen spirit...time to clean the litter

Some of my feline friends have recently complained to me that they cannot understand their teenage human pets. In an effort to build a bridge for effective communication, I have translated some of the more common sayings and phrases for you to utilize. Remember: These are but loose interpretations. As always, it is dependent on the situation.

Teen Pet: "So yo, I was wit dis bitty 'n' mackin' hard on her."

Translation: "Last night, I was with the most wonderful woman in the world, and I could not help but fawn all over her in the most romantic way."

Teen Pet: "She was trippin' all over me, 'n' I grabbed that jack out da hoe's hand."

Translation: "My lady friend didn't want to go to the movies with me, and she felt compelled to ask me to go to the local coffeeshoppe. However, I felt it was more important to go to the movies since it was our only chance to see The Notebook. After all, we get the student discount, and I didn't want to waste that."

Teen Pet: "Dawg, that shit is the shit."

Translation: "My dear friend, that new backpack is by far one of the best ones I have seen in a long time. You can tell that the handiwork is first-class!"

Teen Pet: "I tagged that hoe and walked out tha do'."

Translation: "With the moon shining up above, we made love as was commanded by our young hearts. We held one another into the wee hours of the morning, and as the sun peeked through the window, I knew it was time to gather my things and walk out the door, leaving her with a gentle kiss."

Teen Pet: "We's about to get crunk up in dis here joint!"

Translation: "You're invited to a social gathering at my house where we will eat sugar cookies and sip homemade lemonade. Perhaps we might even have a round or two of Monopoly! Please make sure to RSVP by Friday evening."

Teen Pet: "Don't make me bust a cap in yo' ass, son."

Translation: "I'm feeling as though we're not truly communicating, and it frustrates me. My anger is all consuming, and I think it's best if I just walk away now before I do something that we shall both regret."

The Scoop

Dear Zeus,

We spotted your human pet at a restaurant called Niko Niko's at around seven o'clock. She looked like she was having a good time with who we could only assume to be PMM. She had the gyro plate while PMM had a vegetable gyro. They shared some kalamari and sat back to discuss several topics...none of which included you.

Because of her ignorant behavior towards you, we attacked your human pet's pitas and made rude gestures at her feet. She got the message because the two ladies left shortly thereafter.

We hope this helps.

Sincerely,

Dangerous Niko Niko Birds

_______________________________________________________

Dear Zeus,

My name is Turbo McGee. I work at Soundwaves: a skate, surf, coffee, and music store. Yes, we're quite ecclectic! Anyhoo...your human pet stopped in to pick up a CD by Daft Punk and the other lady she was with bought a Bon Jovi CD. I hope this helps!

Sincerely,

Turbo

P.S. She told me I needed real sizes for the ladies' section that were for women over the age of 12. Please tell her I am working on that! Thanks!

____________________________________________________

Hey Zeus,

Your pet passed by my store at 10:30 on her way to a cafe called Brasil. She thought I was a fake dog until I barked at her. I let her know I was onto her and her evil ways.

Yours truly,

Buster



___________________________________________________

Wassup Zeus,

We spotted your lady at Brasil with her girlfriend. They looked like they were enjoying their desserts a bit too much if you know what we mean! Maybe it was the way your lady just smiled...you could tell she was loving that tiramisu. We hope we see them again because those two were a couple of hotties!

Granted, we're only eighteen, but could you please give us the hook-up?

Peace out,

Punks

Zeus, P.I.

I've been secretly listening to my human pet's phone conversations for the past few days, and I have deduced that she is heading out this evening to meet none other than...

Princess Mia's Mom!

I can't believe the sheer nerve of her! She's acting like she has a life...she has friends...she is her own person, free to do what she wants when she wants...there are other people in her existence besides me. What kind of pet thinks that?

The kind that rips your heart out of your chest with a spoon because it hurts more. That's what kind...

Feline and canine friends, I suspect that my pet is cheating on me. I am asking you for your help. If you are in the Houston area, and you spot them, would you please post here with clues about my pet's activities? We need to keep a close eye on her, and since my eyes and ears can't be everywhere like Visa, I know I can count on you to help.

Any and all information would be appreciated.

Love letter

Dear Purina One,

I know that it is hard for us to be together, my love, but do not fear: I will have you again. Yes, the human pet keeps you locked behind the pantry door at night, but your smell lingers through the kitchen, caressing me in its tender, chicken goodness. Oh, you delightful, wicked tease! Do you hear my tappings on the door? Do you see me rolling on my back for you, trying to but touch your blue bagginess of bliss? I'm practically a rabid animal over you!

My human pet can't keep us apart forever.

I love you,

True love

There's never enough time in the day to tell you I love you.

Truly...

I mean it.

If I were going to ask for one thing in life, it would be that you and I would never be apart.

I can't go on without you. I'm hopelessly and madly addicted to you.

If you were looking for a soulmate, I'm your soul today.

You complete me.

Don't ever be where I can't find you.

I heart you.

Forever.

For-EV-er.

Have I said too much?

Have I not said enough?

I can't go on like this. I need you right now. Right. Now.

Please.

I said please.

Surely, that means something.

Please is politeness with a P.

Every kiss beings with K.

Let me kiss you.

Nuzzle with you.

Bite you.

Purr against you.

Bat you against the wall when I feel rambunctious.

Throw you up in the air for the sheer hell of it.

Toss you under the couch when I'm bored.

And cry when I can't find you.

For I love you, my feather-butt mouse.

I love you now and always....

Tasty

Going where you want to go

I've been put on a behavior intervention plan.

Apparently, the human pet considers peeing on her clothes to be a heinous and offensive act against not only her, but her fine selection of Italia jerseys and indigo boot-cut jeans. What she seems to be misunderstanding is that, every now and then, using different facilities to relieve one's self is a 'spice of life'. Variety, my friends, is essential to happiness.

I can't honestly be expected to enjoy continuously picking out bits and pieces of litter from in between my toes. Truthfully, I find it to be a nuisance. Imagine: Every time I use the litter box, I have to spend fifteen minutes afterwards licking and prodding my paws.

If you ever wondered why feline tongues were so sandpapery, now you know.

It's the effects of litter.

My human pet sat down and contemplated what the antecedent for my behavior was. She checked the litter box, made sure it had been clean, and then proceeded to analyze why I would do such a thing. If she had but asked me, I would have told her that she needed to wash her clothes, and I was but only giving her a gentle reminder to do so. She, however, came to the conclusion that I was bent on making her life hell.

Of course, my target behavior has been established: relieving myself in the box. The human pet even determined that she would positively reinforce my toiletry habits by giving me tuna treats. I suppose I could go in the litter box, but why? Am I not allowed a little reckless joyride every now and then?

There's so much risk involved in peeing on a human's clothes. There's always the chance you might get caught. You have to quickly run up, squat into position, shake a little bit to get those last few drops disposed, and then scamper off before anyone sees you. It's absolutely, positively thrilling!

It does, however, stink later, but that's a completely different issue.

Summer school

Well, thank goodness!

Normally, I would dread the beginning of summer graduate work for the human pet as it would only mean that I would die of starvation, loneliness, and utter boredom, but this time, no...

I welcome it with open paws.

The human pet has been keeping late hours, working tirelessly on essays concerning learning disabilities, cognitive strategies, and IDEA, 2004. Overall, I think the work is improving her spirit. She seems to pulling out of the funk she has been in for the past few months.

Let's just hope that when her final comes on Tuesday, she passes it with flying colors.

(However, could someone explain to me how one flies said colors? Which colors and where do you fly them?)

Funkified

Hello, how are you? Won't you tell me your name?

I wish I could say that something tremendously amazing has happened to keep me from all of my fabulous readers, but alas, I cannot. The truth of the matter is simply that I have fallen into something known as funkitis.

Or is it funkadelic?

Funkamosis?

Funktification?

Just as bears enter into the hibernating state during the winter, I too seem to have fallen into a slumber of my own. Only mine hits during the summer when it is nice and warm outside, with plenty of bugs to play with....oh wait. I can't go outside. Perhaps that is why it has struck.

Depression affects everyone.

Dwarves and cats do not mix

Dear Sir Kinafe Kilseeker (if that is your real name!),

I am writing to inform you that I do not appreciate you renaming monsters to Zeus on your little game of Evercrack. I also do not think it's appropriate to make fun of my claws, my fur, or my tail. I do not appreciate being referred to as a "scumbucket" or a "nasty cat". I also do not like being called any handful of expletives that are in your limited vocabulary.

If you were to try to deny that you have done any of these things, I offer up to you exhibit A:

While I understand that you are a good friend of my human pet, it does not give you the liberty to make fun of me. After all, I own her, and she answers to me. If you do not cease in your profane and debase actions against me, I will be forced to shred the DSL cable and knock out the modem. Don't make me get ugly. You will not like it.

Zeus' Second Annual Legends Ball

We have four wonderful nominees to celebrate this year, and each one of them is a legend in his or her own right! Take some time to read over each person, and if you have the time, why not stop by the person's blog to thank them for all the hard work they're doing? After all, it's not everyday that you get to speak to a legend!

Legends, remember to get your button from the previous post! Congratulations to each of you and thank you for everything you do! Thank you also to those who nominated others for this event! You helped make it a success!

Maw

Located just outside of Dallas, Texas is a wonderful house with wonderful spirit...approximately twelve spirits to be exact. Maw takes in rescues that most people would turn a blind eye to, and she does it with love. Also, she has worked to have laws passed against animal cruelty in Texas. Her three nominators are The Meezers, Parker, and Zippie, Sadie, and Speedy.

Crazie Queen

Located across the Atlantic is our good friend, Crazie Queen. Though she always has some sort of cause tucked away in her sleeve, her latest adventure is the Race for Life for cancer research. Let's just hope she runs in something befitting a runner and not all of the heavy armor from her reenactment tour in Italy! Her nominator is Bob-Kat, a fellow Brit herself!

Auntie P

I have known Auntie P for quite some time, and it always amazes me the lengths this wonderful lady will go to for felines. From explaining to you how to grow the most luscious cat grass, informing you on how best to get clean soiled laundry, or showing you how to keep your cats off of your furniture, Auntie P knows it all! Currently a foster mom, she is helping save many feline lives in Singapore. Her nominator was Five-Cat Style.

DKM

Another wonderful person to have in our Legends Ball! Once a year, DKM (short for Diva Kitty Mom if you're not in the know!) raises money in the San Francisco area to support AIDS research and hospice support. Deeply committed to the cause, DKM raised $1,000 last year through contributions on her blogsite. Why not help her hit that mark again by paying her visit? Better yet: Have her blow that mark out of the water!

Where's my tuxedo? And my shiny shoes? We're having a ball!

It's that magical time of the year again! It's time to ready the invitations, buy the ball gowns, and polish the statuettes! It's time for...

What? You're not familiar with the Legends Ball? I suggest you read up on the subject here.

The Legends Ball was started as a way to honor people, felines, and canines who are doing something to make a difference in the world. We all know of someone special who does terrific things day-in and day-out, and sometimes, we may not tell them just how wonderful we think they are. This is your chance!

Leave the name and link of the person you are nominating to have included in our celebration. Please also make sure to state in the comments why you nominated this person so that this information can be included as well. Those nominated will have a brief write-up concerning their contributions as well as receive the highly coveted "My Legendary Story" button for their blogs.


You have until Tuesday, May 22, to nominate someone! Please only ONE nomination per blogger!

Sing the praise!

We're relieved.

We're overjoyed.

We're praising God.

The end of the school semester has finally arrived. Yesterday, the human pet took her last final. With that, she officially has one year of graduate work under her belt.

Believe you me: It could not have come soon enough.

Seven random things about me

Aloysius and Bebe tagged me for the 7 things meme. Here are the rules: Each player starts with seven random facts about themselves. Cats who are tagged need to write on their own blog about the seven things and the rules.

1. My favorite food is fresh, raw tuna.

2. One of my secret nicknames is "Gazda", which means "old man", in Slovak. This is probably due to the fact that I do quite a bit of moaning and groaning, a.k.a. bitching.

3. On occasion, I like waking up my human pet by laying my belly on her face and smothering her.

4. When I was a kitten, I would crawl onto my human pet's shoulder and ride on top while she walked around the house. According to my pet, I still think I am a kitten because I continue to try to do this. She says I'm too fat now.

5. I've never met a human female who didn't love me.

6. Once the litter box is freshly cleaned, I need to go in and mess it up immediately to let everyone know (in case there was doubt) that it's my bathroom.

7. I'm very proud of my hunting abilities, and recently, I left a thumb-size cockroach in my human pet's bed. When she woke up, she saw me staring at her, and the cockroach was right below me. Can you say, "Holy banshee scream, Batman?"

The stars have aligned

Capricorn
Daily Overview for May 15, 2007
Provided by Astrology.com

Quickie: Expect to be asked some probing questions today. Your image is on the line.

Overview: Rubbing elbows with the creme de la creme of society casts a rosy glow over your self-esteem, and no wonder -- these people just adore you! Keep hold of your common sense and you won't get knocked off your feet.

I knew you loved me, dear reader! I just knew it! But do me a favor: No questions of the probing variety. That does not sound pleasant in the slightest.

What's your horoscope for today?

Where's my mother?

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother's Day! I miss you! Why don't you call? Why don't you write? I still love you though!

I hope to see you soon,

Zeus' mom was named The Flying Nun.

What's your guess as to why?

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #33

Thirteen Things Isis or I Have Destroyed in The House*:

1. The loveseat

2. The couch, a.k.a. my throne

3. Perfectly good bras (love those cups!)

4. Box spring mattresses

5. Baseboards

6. Windowsills

7. Brand new bed linens

8. Carpet

9. Garage shelving

10. Dining room chairs

11. The Internet connection

12. Scrapbook supplies

13. The human pet's homework

*If you were to ask me the truth of such things in person, I will deny it adamantly.

May I use your chapstick please?

With Mother's Day right around the corner, I'd like to take a moment to share this fable with you. Let's its lesson sink into your heart and nestle you tightly in its kind words. (Many thanks to our friend, Tina, for sharing this!) Enjoy!

"So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cats behind or the hundredth. And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt."

One down, one to go

Last night, the human pet took one of her two finals. Her hand was in a crumpled state by the time she arrived home. As a result, it was backhanded rubs for me.

Thank goodness this semester is almost over!

Picking up the crack pipe

Well, I tried warning her, but did it do any good?

No.

She's back on the crack again, and this time, it's serious.

Take, for example, what she did yesterday morning.

My pet woke up at about nine o'clock. She took a shower, made some coffee, and casually browsed through some mail. I watched her from the dining room as she stood in the kitchen, noting the slight twitch in her mouse hand, a.k.a right hand, as she sipped on her cup.

"Don't give into it," I said. "You must fight it."

"I really don't want to study," she replied.

"Don't give into it," I said again. "Why don't you and I just snuggle on the couch and watch some HGTV?"

"Nah, I think I'm going to go kill drachnids in The Hive for that awesome shield that Izne needs. Plus, I think I could probably get some experience and maybe some more cool items."

My pet stepped out of the kitchen and headed for the den as I sat there, screaming: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"

By the time I raced into the den, she was already seated at the computer with her coffee cup on her left and her right hand on the mouse. Her eyes had that junkie glow, and I could tell that she was settling in for a morning of so-called "adventure". I bolted to her feet and cried out to her, "Please don't do this! Think about what you're doing!"

It was too late.

She had already assumed the persona of the evil necromancer named Izne, and she was determined to solo (i.e., kill things without the help of others in the game) until her eyes bulged out of her skull. Determined to get her away from the computer, I rose up on my hind legs and kneaded my claws into her thigh.

"Good God, Zeus! That [expletive] hurts!" She batted at me, and I only circled around for another round.

"I mean it! How am I supposed to concentrate? C'mon! Stop it!"

I let her know my anger with several sharp cries directed at her. When she looked down at me, I stared at her with a disapproving glare.

"I'm almost to The Hive. Whatever it is, it can wait."

I let out a breath between my teeth that made her turn her head again to look at me. " ' I'm almost to The Hive'," I said mocking her. "IT'S NOT EVEN A REAL PLACE!"

Her eyes became like slits as she burrowed her gaze into me. "I swear, Zeus. I've about had it."

Soon, the sounds of WRRRR and AWWWW and RrhmmmRrhmmm filled the air. Footsteps blasted out of the speakers followed by digital insectoid noises.

She had reached The Hive.

I kneaded my claws into her thigh again. I wasn't about to let this drop.

Turning in her chair, the pet let out an exasperated sigh. "Alright, alright. What is it?"

"FEED ME!"

"If I feed you, will you leave me alone?"

It is at this point in the story, my friends, that I must say I succumbed to that most natural of all instincts: hunger. I wish I could say I was a good pet owner, that I looked after my pet and reprimanded her for her ill ways, but alas, I cannot. In the end, I did the only thing I could do.

I gave in to the blackmail.

My pet got up, filled my food bowl to the line that read "Brimming", and proceeded back to the den whereupon I did not hear from her for another three hours. A part of myself died yesterday, but no matter.

At least I had a full food bowl.

Color your world

Human females are the most curious creatures. I think I could live my entire feline existence and still never understand them. There's just no accounting for their drastic changes in mood, decisions, or, in some cases, physical appearance.

For example, let's examine what happened yesterday afternoon.

My human pet typically arrives home by four o'clock. Normally, her make-up is worn by this point, and her clothes are a tad frumpled from sitting in her car. She smells of the scents of her day: copier ink, gasoline, sloppy joes from a school cafeteria. Her steps are tiresome, and on occasion, she takes a short one to two hour nap just to recharge.

That didn't happen yesterday.

At around five o'clock, my keen ears picked up the brisk walk of a human approaching the front door. There seemed to be a rare and yet obvious spring to the step of this human, and I knew for certain it could not be my human pet as "tired" and "spring" do not go quote "hand-in-hand" as the homo sapiens say. The door opened, and in walked this strange looking individual who acted like she lived here.

I stared for a long time at this woman. She looked familiar, but at the same time, she did not. I padded beside her calves and sniffed. No scents of my human pet to be found. Instead, she smelled of rosemary and gingko, bleach, and just a hint of lemongrass. The clothes were not even the stylish fashions my pet wore home from work.

Who was this person?

I steered back on my hind feet as my hairs bristled from head to tail. I became one with my inner-dog. There was no way I was letting this strange female into The House without a fight! I spat at her toes, and I waved an angry, fully clawed paw at her ankles to let her know that I had gone "crunk" as the humans say.

The human leaned over, and she smiled at me for the longest. Rubbing behind my ears, she subdued me with her charms and then lifted me up off of the floor.

"I don't know what your problem is, Zeus. Isis must be rubbing off on you," she said.

What passed through my mind was to the effect of, "Oh no, you di'in!"

I looked into those familiar green eyes, and I could hardly believe it.

My pet was a brand new woman! No caterpillars arching over her eyes! No dull, dark blonde hair! Why, she looked absolutely radiant!

And then I remembered that she had not told me she was going to be late or that she would be changing her look.

"Did you ask me if you could color your hair?" I asked.

"No, and if you don't watch it, I'll dye you pink," was her response.

I said nothing. I think that was a wise choice on my part.

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #32

Thirteen False Cognates (English/Spanish)

Out of love for my dear Mexican hairless feline friends, I have been working on my Spanish lately. See if you can figure out the false cognate in the following English sentences. Some of them are quite amusing!

1. The snake was so large!

2. My mom is embarassed so she can't fly on airplanes.

3. I was the ultimate student to leave the room.

4. Yesterday, we went to the store to buy some ropes.

5. Please put these papers in that manilla carpet.

6. You don't have to support that!

7. Could you get me a vase of water please?

8. There was a very bad choke on the highway this morning.

9. Did you record our meeting this afternoon?

10. The party was a huge exit!

11. I assist to the office every day.

12. Look at all of the beautiful wildflowers in the camp!

13. Their body was so beautiful that I cried when they said, "I do!"

Need help? Visit Obvious...But Wrong or Amigos Falsos!

LACGAC Campaign

I've seen it done at other blogs.

I've often wondered why I have not done it myself.

I've spent enough time degrading myself emotionally and spiritually by not doing it.

Yes, it's time for.......

THE LACGAC CAMPAIGN!

What is LACGAC exactly? Besides being an extremely helpful and concise acronym, LACGAC represents the following concept:

Leave a comment. Get a comment.

It's high time that I acknowledge all of the beautiful comments you readers leave behind every day. I've read each and every comment, but how would you ever know if I don't respond? From this moment on, I will now leave each of you a witty, playful, ever-so-gentle response.

Novel? No.

But remember the acronym you will!

Besides: I would be lying if I told you that a little birdie informed me that this was how you gained more readership.

So while it may seem like it's all about you, it isn't. I just thought I would be honest with you before the campaign started.

Why don't we get this campaign off to a fantastic start? Test the waters, and leave a comment now!

I'm not fat. I'm just big-boned.

I absolutely adore the movie, Shrek. Honestly, though: Who doesn't? Of course, Puss in Boots is my hero, but I am sure you already jumped to that conclusion without my help. The series is extremely helpful in advocating for animal rights and equality between the species.

Imagine my surprise then when I found out that Health and Human Services were using Shrek in an anti-obesity campaign.

Isn't this what you humans call an oxymoron?

He's a big, green ogre. He's hardly svelte.

Was Mighty Mouse's or Rocky the Squirrel's calendar completely booked?

Further imagine the look on my face when I found out The Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood wants Shrek to be removed as the spokesperson, stating that the big fellah "promotes junkfood" by talking about treats and snacks and even doing a spoof on Happy Meals.

To both sides of this intense and heated debate, I have this to say:

1. If you truly cared about what kids were watching, why not take a look at cable television? Truly: I thought everyone knew cable was the devil for children.

2. I think you've made a gross error in labeling Shrek a spokesperson. He's a spokesogre. I smell lawsuit.

3. If it's that easy to get a job promoting healthy living, why not sign me up? I eat the same hooplah everyday, I sleep 13 hours out of a 24 hour day, and I get about 15 minutes exercise walking from the bed to the food bowl. I'm just as good a pick as Shrek, don't you think?

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #31

13 reasons Isis has declared war on Fuzzy Bear

1. The constant exploitation of my paranoia has reached epic proportions and must be stopped.

2. I've asked him to stop touching my butt, but apparently, he's deaf because he just keeps doing it with this sadistic grin on his face.

3. Doesn't he know it's a crime to be cruel to the mentally ill?

4. I can be sitting quietly in a room, at one with myself, and from out of nowhere, a gigantaur voice will erupt sending my heart into palpatations: HELLO ISIS!

5. He doesn't acknowledge my hissing means "no".

6. Making me snuggle isn't my idea of a good time.

7. I've never once been able to catch his wagging fingers when we play "Wagging Fingers".

8. Fuzzy Bear has aligned himself with Ricardo Montoya* (blasted little monkey!) and has shot him at me several times.

9. He's almost stepped on me several times because he's so freakin' huge.

10. He thinks just because he can manhandle me that he can have his way with me. Sorry, but dinner and a movie must come first.

11. All of The Mama's friends know not to bleepity-bleep with me. Why doesn't he?

12. Because he said I was "the most beautiful ugly cat in the world". What the bleep does that mean?

13. Do I really need a reason if I'm crazy? Maybe I just bleeping feel like it.

*Ricardo Montoya story coming soon, but use your imagination for now!

Morning breath

Mornings are bad enough

without you shoving a camera in my face!

Patchwork Zeus

I am not that into blankets or quilts, but I gotta tell ya: This quilt Millie and family made for me is the "shiznit"!

Hawaiian flowers, slices of lemon, and let's not forget the patches of Chinese fortune cookies! This quilt's got it all!

So comfy...so soft...so luscious. Purrrrr.....

Sorry, but there's no room for you. Ginger cats named Zeus only!

Step away from the crack

I've known my human pet for awhile now, and I would like to think I know her better than most humans. I've witnessed the horrors of my pet before she's had her morning cup of coffee. I've laid beside her on the bed while she tosses and turns, lighting the bed sheets aflame with her monstrous night-crippling farts. I've even sat nonchalantly and admired her beautician grace while she plucked the chin hairs from her face.

However, it's time to reveal my human pet's ultimate secret to the world:

She's an online gaming addict, a.k.a., a closet geek.

When my pet and I first met, she was heavily involved with a game called Everquest. Personally, I prefer to call it Evercrack. Her weekend routine would involve making a rather large pot of coffee, snuggling into her robe, and sitting in front of her computer while pummeling monsters, solving outrageously time-consuming quests, and chit-chatting it up with people who lived miles away. It was a constant, habitual practice, and when we moved into The House, I was more than grateful that she gave it up.

Her skin had grown translucent from sitting in front of the computer screen for hours on end. Alas, I would show the pictures, but when I tried to upload them, all of them had a blotch of pure white that resembled, strangely enough, Patrick Swayze in his final moments in the movie, Ghost.

But I digress...

Nonetheless, the itch has returned. How do I know this? Well, her remedies for beating her addiction to Evercrack have grown cold. Turning to her college years for guidance, she resumed playing Magic: The Gathering like the good closet geek that she is (shhh, don't tell her I said that!), and she even managed to participate in some tournaments; however, that just ended up frustrating her due to human males asking her if she had a boyfriend continuously and all of the ceaseless boob-staring. She has beaten God of War II twice and has won countless badges on Pogo, but there's a sadness that lingers just beyond her eyes. There's no sense of joy, no sense of sheer digital accomplishment.

I'm concerned about my pet. I know she needs an outlet, but I fear this is probably not the right path. If she plays Evercrack again, when in the world can I expect to blog? It's not like we have a squillion computers in this House! Will she even remember to feed me, or will it constantly be time "to kill the dragon"? Let's not even contemplate if she'll clean the litter box. It's all too gruesome for me to consider.

Did I neglect to mention that she finally has a tan? For goodness sake, felines: We have to do something! I may not be able to find her if she becomes translucent again!

Human pet, if you're reading this, I beg of you: Forsake the Evercrack. Remember: You have a life now, and I am your life. There is no other life but me. I have included this video clip of a poor soul who became too involved with online gaming to remind you of its horrors. Heed the message well!!!

Warning: Contains online gaming language which requires lengthy, detailed linguistic analysis to comprehend...or level 64 epic elf mage ability of "Decipher". Hopefully, you have one or the other. If not, you're still bound to laugh.

Excuses is all I got...

Between the human pet's two research papers and high-stakes testing all this week for the her students, she has absolutely put this home on lock-down. If writing papers on the computer is stressing her out, I don't know why she insists on going back to it. I think that justifies giving me a turn. Nonetheless, I know I have to post pictures of the lovely blanket Millie sent to me and introduce all of you to my new crime-fighting friend, Ricardo Montoya.

Yes, I said Ricardo Montoya. Why do you laugh?

As soon as this tumult of activity slows down, expect some serious endeavors to win your heart over!

Thursday Thirteen #30

Thirteen Reasons My Human Pet Needs A Break

1. A research paper due on Monday, with another one due in two weeks.

2. It's either been fast food or no food for the past few days.

3. She's had a nasty sinus infection for the past four days.

4. Somehow, even though she was sick, she managed to go to work.

5. She's behind on her TiVO.

6. She doesn't remember the last time she's seen some of her friends.

7. She recently bought three books from Amazon. Ask me if she's read any of them.

8. She forgets what a mall looks like.

9. If she hears the terms cultural capital, socioeconomic status, or the name, Bourdieu, she might crack.

10. She's moved Juan Valdez up a few notches on the list, The Top 100 Richest Men in the World.

11. It's news to her that her friends have blogs.

12. Had it not been for my headbutts in the morning, I don't know that she would have woken up.

13. Because 'burning a candle at both ends' just sounds gross.

You can't always get what you want...

I came across this questionnaire hosted by Esquire. There are times in a tom's life when revelations hit you. Upon completing this survey, I had such a moment times two:

1. The only balls I came with were the ones included with my Ping Pong table.

2. I haven't signed up fast enough for a bald-bull-ball-ectomy.

No shirt, no shoes, no thumbs - no problem

Opposable thumbs are overrated. - Zeus

Greetings, Zeus fans! My name is Radioactive Jam and-- well, I am not a cat, as far as I know. That's not my real name, of course. See, I wanted my very own dot-com internet domain, and ethelbert.com was unavailable; I had to go with my second choice. But enough about me! We're here to celebrate the one-year anniversary of The Zeus Excuse.

The human "owner" said Zeus wanted me to compose an anniversary post for him. As readers here soon learn, Zeus can be pret-ty persuasive when he throws his weight around. Could I say no? I could not. So I hope you enjoy this special tribute post written for the one and only Zeus, the super-sized ego feline extraordinaire without whom this weblog would surely slim down need a new name be "diminished."

You don't need thumbs for typing. Spacebar? It is to laugh. - Zeus

Zeus claims he started a weblog to spread "advice, humor and joy" among feline friends. Sounds almost noble and altruistic, doesn't it? That's Zeus, all right; never thinking of himself, always putting the other cat first.

Dogs are obsessed with thumbs; cats couldn't care less. - Zeus

Cats have a reputation for holding themselves aloof, and Zeus is no exception to the rule. Zeus is cool, unfazed by events swirling around him. He has neither need nor time for trivial, shallow amusements; he's a Busy Cat with Important Things to do.

Do I look like I care? - Zeus

One of the things keeping Zeus busy this past year: extensive travel. Showing his signature modesty - not! - Zeus calls his travelogue The Amazing Zeus. It is pretty amazing, and not just because major world governments haven't yet realized how far his reach extends. They'll learn soon enough I am sure.

You don't need plans for world domination when you're already in control. - Zeus

Speaking of learning (and control), we humans should never underestimate a cat's ability to "manage" its environment. If one thinks a little thing like not having opposable thumbs will slow down a clever cat like Zeus, perhaps one needs to think again.

Doorknobs impede me? DOORKNOBS?! HAHAHAHAHahahaha! purrrrrr! - Zeus

Zeus portrays himself as an invincible, haughty overlord. Okay sure, that pretty much applies to all cats, and - let's face it - they're basically right. Still, one might find lovable "weaknesses" in the feline aura... if one knows where to look. Suppose I were to tell you that deep down, Zeus is just an old softie looking for a little affection and attention, not unlike a lot of human "owners?"

One word, humans: Photoshop! - Zeus

In closing I'll pass along a few words from an actor-friend of Zeus, pictured below in one of his many famous movie roles. Here's what he had to say about Zeus:

We're still trying to explain to Zeus why he shouldn't take "human" as an insult.

Holiday wishes

The Zeus Excuse will return to its regularly scheduled programming on April 9, 2007. Expect one-year anniversary fun to commence!

No deal, Howie! No deal!

It was nine o'clock when the human pet came back home, and let me just say that there have been very few times I have seen such a look of pure disdain on my pet's face. I don't think one would have needed to be psychic to figure out that there would be no furniture in our future. For the sake of my readers, I decided I would listen in to the rantings of this mad woman my bothered pet for the full story.

"I get in there, I sit down, and we start talking about prices for the third time in three weeks, and you know damn well, Zeus, I have been all over town looking at furniture! I should have known not to go when Brad wasn't there. This woman I ended up with - would you believe she refused to work with me?"

Seated proudly on top of my current throne, I listened intently while cocking my head to the left side. I just had to ask though since curiosity got the best of me: "Who is Brad?"

"That guy was awesome! He told me about hidden sales, he worked out prices with me, and if something wasn't in the budget, he tried to find me something that worked. That's the kind of salesman you want to see your money go to."

Intrigued, I poked a little further: "So what was wrong with this woman?"

"She just would not budge! I even told her that I had been working with Brad, but she was determined to get that oh-so-fantastic half commission. I said repeatedly, 'Don't you have some sale coming up for the Easter weekend? I've received at least three flyers about furniture sales with other stores. Surely, you know what you'll be doing by now.' And you know what she said to me? 'We don't know until the day of, Ma'am. I'm really sorry.' Oh like hell you are!"

Her face crinkled up as she raised her fists to heaven, screaming, "Why, God, Why?!"

Ok, she didn't really do that, but that would have been a nice Academy Award touch on her part.

So I suppose the negotiations didn't meet with the final stamp of approval from the pet. Next time, she should take me so that instead of all the tonguewagging, I can just pluck some eyes out with my claws. Normally, people do what you want after you pluck some eyes.

Not that I would know first-hand or anything...

Out with the old, and in with the new

This may be the last time you get to see us on my throne because...

I'm finally getting a new living room set!

What's that you say? I'm not the one buying it so it can't be mine? Pardon me, but I think you're misled. As soon as this new living room set comes into this house, I'm all over it - literally and figuratively.

Tonight, the human pet, on one of her rare evenings with nothing to do, is going to pick up my new furniture and bring it to The House. With her knack for decorating, I'm sure it won't take long for the new room to be put together. Wait a minute: She's looking at me as if she has something to say...

"Note to Zeus: It probably won't be coming until Saturday, and no, I won't be putting it together for you. It's for me."

Semantics, schmantiks. Some people...

I think the more hair you leave on items indicates the higher the level of ownership you have over the item. If you're with me, raise your paw.