Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Amazing Zeus: Princess Mia and the Forbidden Gardens

What a fantastic day it has been, my fluffy felines and adorable humans!

I woke up at 6:00 a.m. completely shaken with excitement! I could barely contain myself! I didn't want to eat, drink, or even use the litter box. I was on my way to downtown Houston to visit with Princess Mia, and that meant I was leaving The House for the very first time!

The night before, I had checked bus arrivals and departures in my area. I also looked up bus etiquette and typical routines found on the Metro. For example, it is important not to approach the bus until it comes to a complete stop. It's also considered rude if you get on the bus while people are trying to get off the bus. Oh, and no talking to the driver while the bus is in motion. I was slightly concerned about that one...

I said good-bye to Isis and my human pet, Marina, and strolled out onto the porch. The air was crisp and clean with the fresh scent of recent rainfall. The birds were chirping and frolicking in the branches of the large oak in the front yard. The neighborhood children were bicycling down the asphalt, yelling and screaming at one another. I took a huge breath of that beautiful, serene air and...

I felt a sharp kick to my furry buttocks! "Move it, Zeus. I have to close this door before bugs come inside. Have fun!" The human pet shut the front door on me, and it was then and only then that I realized I was truly in the City of Outside.

I walked a short way until I came to the bus stop. I jumped onto the bench underneath this cozy gazebo and waited patiently while some homo sapiens came along. They looked at me, and I looked at them, but neither of us said anything to one another. I was too taken aback by it all to be quite honest, and besides, the human pet had told me not to rub or purr against strangers.

The bus came, its metal doors flew open, and homo sapiens began exchanging positions as if they were in that N-A-S-C-A-R thing on tv. However, the driver did not even acknowledge me, and he tried closing the door on my tail! I could not believe this injustice!

"Excuse me, but I need to get on this bus. It's very important!" I said to the driver.

I don't know if he understood, but he looked at me and said, "Look, fatty: You're not getting in here so either get on the top of the bus or scram!"

I let out a deep sigh. I hadn't expected such rudeness and ignorance so early in my journey. Silently, I lept up to the rearview mirrors and then to the roof of the bus. I positioned myself close to the front, though, so I could read where the stops were so I knew when to get off.

I have to admit to you all that I did fall asleep on top of the bus. I guess the lack of sleep from the night before coupled with the anxiety and stress of the morning made for a perfect nap opportunity. It could also be that the ride was so smooth, but I somehow doubt that.

I did wake up just in time to see that Princess Mia's stop was fast approaching. I waited for the bus to come to a complete stop, and I hopped off, taking in the sights around me. Princess Mia lived near the University my human pet has planned on attending so I got to see it on my way to her house. I suppose it's ok as far as Universities go.

When I found Princess Mia's house, I knocked politely and waited. The door opened, and there she was! I literally was flabbergasted!

"Zeus! You're here!" she screamed.

"Mia! I-I-I-I-I...," I hadn't realized I had a stutter until that very moment.

We exchanged a rub of the nose and flicks of the tail upon my entering her lovely home. She then guided me into the living room so I could meet her human pets, and I told them hello and how excited I was to meet them. They seemed a little shocked that I was there as they exchanged some whispers to one another, but Princess Mia said they would get over it.

Princess Mia then said excitedly, "I have something to show you!" I hadn't known what to expect, but she flicked her tail in a motion to indicate that I follow her. We walked around a corner, and then I saw it: Her precious BOX! I nearly peed myself with joy! She hopped inside, and I began clawing away at the flaps. There is nothing in life more delightful than the feel of rough cardboard between one's claws.

I believe sometime between destro-...playing with the box and chit-chatting with Princess Mia concerning what was our favorite stinky goodness, there was a knock at the door. We both looked at one another curiously and then scampered to the noise to see who it was. When we opened it, it was none other than my friend, Phil!

Phil looked down at us with his classic straight-lipped, narrow eyed stare that I thought he only reserved for his host duties on The Amazing Race. "Zeus and Princess Mia, here is $100.00 for this leg of the race. Make sure to read your clue carefully, and be safe on your travels."

I looked to Princess Mia. Princess Mia looked to me. It seemed we both were more than slightly confused. I nabbed the clue from Phil's hands, ripped it open, and pulled out the clue with my teeth. Princess Mia and I read it together:

Make your way to the Forbidden Gardens.

Forbidden Gardens? I had no idea where that was and neither did Princess Mia. However, we both wondered why we would be allowed to go to the Forbidden Gardens if they were indeed forbidden. It seemed very mysterious, and yet, we gathered our courage to discover where we needed to go by looking it up on Princess Mia's computer.

"Katy, Texas! I thought Katy was just a girl's name!" I said.

"Apparently not! We'd better get moving though. My bean mom said I need to be back before 7:00 p.m. She doesn't want me out after dark," Princess Mia said.

We made our way back to the bus stop, and together, we waited for the bus. This time, though, because of our money, we were allowed to sit inside the bus. I suppose money does make a difference.

It seemed like forever, but finally, we reached the Forbidden Gardens in Katy, Texas. At first, I had no idea what to make of it all. Were we still in Texas, or were we somehow in another country?

We strolled through the entrance, looking into the ponds and examining all of the tasty goldfish. I know they are supposed to be for good luck, but I wondered how much luck one got if you actually ate them. It would have to be more, yes?

The Forbidden Gardens didn't seem to be too forbidden. There were actually many homo sapiens running about, taking pictures, "Ooo"ing and "Ahh"ing. Several humans pointed and whispered when Princess Mia and I walked by, but I assumed it was because they knew about The Amazing Zeus. Princess Mia waved and purred for the homo sapiens which sent them into a snap-flash frenzy of photography while I lingered in the background, a bit camera-shy.

Our favorite spot of the Gardens was a huge field covered by thousands of terra-cotta Chinese soldiers. Each one had been handmade by artisans with extreme attention to detail. Unfortunately for the homo sapiens, they couldn't appreciate this from the walkways they were confined to, but Princess Mia and I were able to get a close-up look thanks to the beauty of being feline.

With the sun beginning to set, Princess Mia looked at me and said, "I think it's time to go back home. Our bean moms probably miss us." I nodded, and we both turned to make our way out. As we were just about to walk through the entrance to exit though, a pair of tourists saw us and exclaimed, "Wow! This place even has entertaining cats! We have to get a picture!" Princess Mia and I looked at one another, shrugged, and then leapt into what we thought were pretty photogenic positions.

The tourists were nice enough to give us a copy of the photograph so you decide:

The two of us then caught the Metro for the second time, rode all the way back to Princess Mia's bus stop, and I walked her home. Her human pet came running out when she saw us approaching, scooped Mia into her arms, and hugged her tightly. I must admit I felt slightly dejected initially, but then she rubbed my ears and scratched under my chin so I did not feel too left out.

"Good-bye Zeus! I had a lot of fun today!" Princess Mia said.

"Me too! We should do it again soon! I need to go, though, so I can catch the bus to go back home!"

Princess Mia and her human pet waved as I walked back down the path to the sidewalk. I waved to them and flicked my tail happily then made my way to the bus stop to go back home.

When I returned in the evening, the human pet was sitting on the front stair on the porch. She looked worried, and her eyes were scanning the landscape for, what I took to be, any sign of your's truly. When she saw me coming up the driveway, she jumped off of the porch, ran to me, threw me into her arms, and held me very closely to her chest. I could feel her heart thumping loudly so I purred just as vigorously.

"I missed you, Zeusie-poo. I'm glad you came back home," she said softly.

"Bah! As if I wouldn't come back! Someone has to take care of you, human pet!" I replied.

So overall, it was a fantastic day! Thank you, Princess Mia for your hospitality! Thank you, Princess Mia's human pet for letting us out and about today!

Who knows where I will go tomorrow, or which fabulous felines I will be meeting? However, I am so pooped I think it is definitely time for crunchies and a nap.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Princess Mia and her cousin, Bruce

Feline friends and human pets,


I got my first postcard today in the mail! It read:

Dear Zeus,

I hope to see you on your travels. Here's my address...(edit!) Send me a postcard if you can. When you get to London, my cousin Bruce (that's him in the picture) will look out for you. He's a professional bodyguard. Be safe and have fun!

Mia and beanmom Kerry

That's amazing, Princess Mia! Thank you so much for the postcard! I am currently looking up times for the Metro so I can come by tomorrow to visit with you. Phil says he has a special place for the two of us to visit, but he won't tell me where until tomorrow. I'm really excited to meet you finally!

Also, thank you for contacting your cousin, Bruce. He looks very intimidating with his big collar and slobbery tongue. I bet not many felines, canines, or homo sapiens mess with him! I wonder if Fat Eric, Pandora, or Charlie know of him since they live in London also. Hmm...

I am sending out your postcard first thing tomorrow morning so look for it a couple of days!

See you tomorrow!

Isis is a no-go for The Amazing Zeus

Hello my feline friends and human pets,

Over the holiday weekend, Phil tried speaking to Isis to see if she would come along with me for The Amazing Zeus. He lured her with catnip (much to my dismay), fed her sardines, and even tried snuggling with her on the couch. My sister, however, was not budging. She simply refuses to come along with me.

I'm not entirely sure why she doesn't want to come. She said, "Knowing you, something bad will happen to me." I told her that the Catolympics had started with the torch relay. Bangles and Bombay just finished a trek from Singapurr to London to pass the torch to Fat Eric. Fat Eric traveled from London to New Hampshire to pass the torch to Harper, Ramona, and Brendan. Nothing happened to any of them. They all arrived safe and sound without a scratch on them.

You'd think that would convince her otherwise, but it hadn't.

"You'll say anything to get your way," she said.

Sometimes, her paranoia hurts...

Phil is extremely disappointed. He says that when he saw Empress Kukka-Maria comment on team members, it only seemed natural to include Isis. He worries now that viewers will not tune in for one single cat when it would have been a more captivating experience with the two of us.

"That's just part of the flair of when you have two people, Zeus. You never know how they will interact under stress," he said.

However, I really don't want to travel with stress. I think that it might be alright if Isis just stays here. After all, then I can enjoy myself without having to worry about her or her silly phobias.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Memorial Day

Long were the nights
when you stayed awake
to watch for the enemy
with our country at stake.
There were miles to hike
over vast terrain,
and yet you did not question
what there was to gain.
Our freedom, our pride,
our simple way of life
was worth every hardship,
every struggle, every strife.
Under blistering skies
filled with gold, orange, and red,
Surrounded by thundering and crashes,
explosions sounding of dread.
Across endless sands of desert,
through minefields, under chicken-wire
in deep foliage of jungles,
you were there when all seemed dire.
Yesterday, today, and tomorrow
we thank you for your sacrifice,
for we do understand
that our lives came with a price.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Edsel's mom

Isis and I asked the human pet if there were any saints that were responsible for healing, and she told us that Saint Anthony is known as "The Miracle Worker". We have been asking for Saint Anthony's intercession on behalf of Edsel's mom. We hope and pray that she will be strong thoughout this process, and that she is healthy and well when June has come and passed.

Our thoughts, prayers, headbutts, and purrs are with you, Edsel's mom. May God and His angels watch over you and protect you.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Viewers' Choice

Exciting news, my furry felines and homo sapien pets!

Phil Keoghan has just told me that The Amazing Zeus will be completely determined by the viewers! My entire travel itinerary will be determined by postcards that viewers send to my house. The order in which I receive them is the order in which I will visit these terrific places. I told Phil that this was a fabulous idea since I really wanted to meet each and every one of my fantastic friends in the feline blogosphere!

If you would like for me to visit with you and go to unique and exotic places in your hometown, click on the picture of the kitty on the mailbox found in the sidebar. Email me for my address, and send me a postcard. Make sure to include a return address so I can send you a postcard in return. Remember: If you want me to come ASAP, mail it right away!

On a good note: The human pet seems to have relented on her questions. It would appear that once she heard Phil was involved with this project, she calmed down quite a bit. The human pet is a big fan of Phil, and I knew that she would see things my way once I explained everything in detail. (I think she is also slightly jealous since Phil and I are becoming close friends, and she's never even met him nor spoken to him.)

I cannot wait to receive those postcards! I'm so excited to see the world!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

The Cat, The Gnome, and Phil

Dear human pet,

Those are a lot of questions, and I hope I can answer all of them by giving you more information than I had initially. You see, Mr. Kimmel Gnome happened to have Phil Keoghan's contact information (Apparently, the two of them have become close thanks to their work on The Amazing Race.), and I have been communicating with him through e-mails and telephone conversations.

When Phil and I first spoke to one another, he seemed very excited about my plans. He said that CBS chooses contestants for his show by looking at whether or not they are physically fit, able to read and understand maps, and if they have any extensive travel experience. He said less is usually better because it adds to the drama of the show since most viewers tune in to find out how those people fair in the elements of the journey. He also stated that because I was inexperienced, I would be a purrfect candidate for their show, but I would need a partner because on the show, the teams are made up of two homo sapiens. I've spoken to Isis, and she said she would come along with me, but The Meezers, The Calico Girls, and even The Crew said they would come with me.

If I were a contestant on The Amazing Race, I would be given airfare, hotel accomodations, and the producers said I would have my flea and heartworm medications provided. They also said not to worry about the litter box as that is but a minor expense. Phil said they have gophers working for them who can handle my bathroom needs and give me my treatments. I thought that was most excellent that they employed other mammals in their work! Clearly, Phil and his crew are not specieists!

But here is the best part: Phil said that because I was such a unique contestant compared to those of previous seasons, the producers thought it would be even better just to highlight my journey! They don't want me to race against other homo sapiens, but rather, they just want to record my travels as part of a new reality series entitled, The Amazing Zeus. Tell me that is not just fantastic?!

So basically, I get everything provided for, and all the producers require is that I blog just like Phil does. Phil and I don't think that should be a problem since I do that anyhow. He said it took him some getting used to, but with all of my blogging experience under my proverbial belt, I am going to be alright.

I also have been in touch with Uchenna and Joyce of The Amazing Race: Season 7. They live right here in Houston, and since they actually won the million dollar prize, I thought they could give me some pointers. Uchenna is a really nice man, and he told me that his best tip was to not overeat and make sure I drink lots of water. Joyce, on the other hand, told me to be careful of Fast Forwards as I might end up shaving my fur off. Phil told me that I wouldn't have to do any of the Detours, Road Blocks, or Fast Forwards since it wasn't really a race so that made me feel a little better.

So what do you think, human pet? Isn't this just the most fabulous and outrageous thing you have ever heard? It's the opportunity of a lifetime, and I think I would be silly not to pursue it.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


Dear Zeus,

I received your letter today when I came home from work, and needless to say, I was a bit surprised. I never knew you had this desire to travel. I suppose the few times you had managed to get outside convinced me you were not the outdoor type. I do have a few questions for you, though, before I give you my blessing.

1. Where are you getting the money for this expedition? It's not like you have a job. Have you been going through my purse when I am not looking? I did notice my credit cards were missing. Are you responsible?

2. How do you plan on going to the bathroom while you're gone? I don't think many other people are going to be willing to scoop your poop. I don't even think people would be willing to give you litter. Have you been training in the bathroom as to how to use a proper toilet?

3. Where do you plan on going? Last time I checked, there were regulations for flying, and I have never known you to enjoy being cooped up in a carrier for long. Are you going to be using the carrier for travel? Who's going to be carting you from place to place? Without a car, this trek could take some serious time, and you've never been one for walking.

4. Are you packing for this? I can't imagine you would be. If you are, you're not taking my luggage for this.

5. Why this sudden urge to travel? Are you not happy here? I can put on the Travel Channel more if you want. I know we only watch that channel for Most Haunted, but certainly, I can put it on when I leave in the morning if you want to explore other places.

6. Do you plan on supplying yourself with your own flea and heartworm treatments? I'm not going to be there to give it to you. I don't even think you can open the caps since you don't have opposable thumbs. I'm sorry, but I'm just keeping it real.

None of the other cats you speak to do this sort of thing. None of them go traveling, and last time I checked, none of them give their owners heartattacks like this. This is worrisome. If you even want a small chance of me saying yes, please answer soon.

On a side note, why do we even have to write letters to one another when we live in the SAME house? Mysteries of life, I suppose...

Love always,

Marina, aka YOUR OWNER and YOUR MOM

P.S. So help me, one of these days, you'll realize that I'm not your pet!

Travel Plans

Dear human pet,

With school coming to a close for you, I thought it best to let you know my plans for the summer. I know this might shock you, but I have decided to explore the world. You have kept me inside long enough, and after all, I am five years old.

I have been speaking with Mr. Kimmel Gnome from next door, and he says that seeing the world has opened his eyes and changed his life. He says he has become a better gnome for it. He told me about all of the countries he has visited and some of the more popular spots for tourists. He helped me make my travel plans on Travelocity, and he has even offered assistance on what to pack.

I hope you understand that I need to do this. I need to prove to myself that I can survive in the big City of Outside. You have brought me up well so do not worry. I will make you proud.

I am writing this, though, so that I may have your blessing on my journey. Please let me know that this is alright with you, but understand the emotional effect of what the word, "no", will have on my growth and development should you choose to use it.

I love you always,

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Therapy and Adoption: Purrfect!

Hello feline friends and human pets,

Right in line with The Cinnamon Trust mentioned in an article done by our friend, Fat Eric, something exciting is happening in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. It would seem that our fellow felines are serving both as therapy cats for the elderly and are also getting a chance to strut their stuff for adoption thanks to a program called Pets For The Elderly sponsored by the Animal Rescue League of Western Pennsylvania.

The star of the show at the moment is a brown tabby named "Bob":

A brown tabby named "Bob," who earned "favorite" status during earlier visits, was allowed out of his crate because he is known to be a good boy who will stay out of the kitchen and away from the exit door. He walked around the main room, visiting only with people who welcomed his attentions.

Way to go, Bob! Now if only Dr. Aloysius were there so he could show them all the right stuff for true, professional, therapeutic interactions!

Monday, May 22, 2006

Zeus' Legends Ball

Welcome to Zeus' Legends' Ball! After reading Kukka-Maria's experiences with The Big O and her Legends Ball, I was inspired to honor some fellow kitties and humans who are making a difference in our blogosphere. Those listed below are in no particular order. We can always add more so feel free to leave your own nominations!

This is Alisha. Alisha lives in Hawaii, and she takes care of many rescue kitties. Among them is Lucas: a very special-needs kitty who wears a diaper because he cannot control his bladder. Alisha has been documenting her life with Lucas in her blog titled Prince Diaper. Thank you, Alisha, for everything you are doing for our island felines!

The dashing tuxedo to the left is known as Edsel. Edsel eluded Custom authorities for one week due to a mishap involving a can of stinky goodness. Not many other felines would have been so smart as to figure out a method of escape nor a place to hideout until the coast was clear. We salute you, Edsel, for challenging our beliefs on biohazards!

This is Finnegan J. Katz. Thanks to Finnegan's hard work and dedication, Victor Tabbycat is now allowed to roam free. A few weeks ago, Victor was accused of possibly breaking a small pot and destroying the life of an innocent plant bystander. If it hadn't been for Finnegan working pro bono, Victor probably would have had a tough life behind bars. Thank you for your tireless efforts in rescuing our friend, Finnegan!

These are the 5-Cat Style Sisters. If you ever wondered what it was like being a foster mama, these two can provide you with excellent insight. Their terrific photographs offer a digital scrapbook of memories that showcase their encounters. Their latest incident involved helping an older panther named Gucci become comfortable with his younger sister, Tiffany. Thanks to their kind intervention, the two are getting along splendidly! Thanks 5-Cat Style Sisters for all your hard work!

Thanks to this warrior, his homo sapien pets can sleep at night knowing that their yard will not be infiltrated by tall, flatfaced, pink flamingos! Moose of Les Trois Chats saved his family by raising the alarm after spying the intruders. He yelped, meowed, and hissed his way into a fury, and had he not, who knows what would have become of his poor family? Thanks Moose for having courage when others simply stood by helplessly.

Enduring specieism and overcoming the odds, Empress Kukka-Maria continues to strive forth as the only feline actress able to not only star in motion picture blockbusters, but also date the leading homo sapien man! Thanks to the Empress, a whole new generation of kittens can aspire to greatness as she has opened the once closed doors of this great occupation. Thank you Empress for being a pioneer when so many did not have the perserverance nor the talent.

There is a fight going on everyday on the island of Hawaii, and these Poi Rats are the ones struggling to survive! We salute you, small furry ones, as you rally forward to live in the same space as cats and buns. You have the right to live where you want to live, and we hope you find peace through your efforts. Continue the good fight, Poi Rats! You truly are extraordinary!

That lovely, spirited lady to the left is Zuleme of the weblog, Caturday. Zuleme has helped many kitties with her shelter and aided them in finding great forever homes. Her current kitties are simply adorable, and I highly suggest you take some time to check them out! They're terrific wrestlers as well!

The Calico Girls, Beau, Timmy, Petey, Smeagol, Strider, Gizmo, and Mystery too have made big plans to set up our first annual Catolympics. I think that is pretty legendary as well! Thanks for all your hard work on this amazing project! We surely appreciate it!

Psychokitty, otherwise known as Max, was considered an inspiration to the feline blogging community. He has been blogging away happily since October of 2003. Without Max, we might never have known what would it would be like for felines online. Max has also published two books: Something Of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death and The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat. Thank you, Max, for opening the door to a new communication medium for cats everywhere!

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Quality time with the Mama

These past few days have been excellent! The Mama and I got to spend some quality time together as we laid about the house. I love quality time!

First, we watched her recorded episodes of Most Haunted. The Mama laid on the bed, and I cuddled up at her feet. The Mama is a huge fan of both the show and Derek Acorah. I like watching it too as those silly humans go traipsing about in the middle of the dark as if they can't see anything. They need to bring cats with them! We'd have no problem telling them what was making those nasty creaks, thumps, or bangs!

Then, we settled in for the first two DvDs in Season One of Lost. The Mama has never seen the show so we decided it would be a good idea to just try renting some of the DvDs to see if we might like it. I was a little put off by the fact that a dog survived the plane crash, but there were no cat survivors, but the Mama reminded me that maybe no one brought a cat on-board with them. I think both the Mama and I are hooked on this show as well.

Finally, the Mama made some popcorn (yummy!), patted the couch, and the two of us watched another R-rated movie: Stay. I love the fact that the Mama invites me to watch all of these shows with her, but this one, I could have done without. It put me to sleep within minutes! The images were fantastic, but the storyline was dull. Not even that sassy human, Ewan McGregor, could save this one.

Well, hopefully, the Mama will rent more of Lost so we can continue finding out what happened to these poor people on the island. Maybe even Zeus will join us instead of being standoffish. Who knows?

Do any of you have favorite shows you watch with your Mamas or Papas?

Friday, May 19, 2006

I hate you, Epi-Otic

When the human pet
has that look in her eye
My hair stands on end
and secretly, I begin to cry

The blue and white bottle:
harbinger of despair.
As soon as I spot it,
I haven't got a prayer.

The human pet is too cowardly
and won't do the deed.
She hands the bottle to the future mate,
with a mere beg, a small plead.

He walks over to me,
slowly but surely,
but my ears shoot back
as I spot the bottle prematurely.

Dash off the couch!
Run for the garage!
Ricochet off the walls!
Escape this barrage!

Caught by his strong arms
and held on the couch:
I try to struggle viciously,
but he holds on tight to my pouch.

In go the drops,
seeping down my ears.
My heart thuds against my chest
as the liquid rinses, swishes, and smears.

Rub with the paper towels
and expose gunk, the color of pitch.
My head starts spinning,
and my eartips violently twitch.

Finally, it's over!
Jump, land, break for a private corner!
Give the future mate the look,
treat him like a foreigner.

I hate you Epi-Otic!
I hate you through and through!
Curse these allergies to hell and back,
and curses to you too!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

My dearest, beautiful Mouse

My dearest, beautiful Mouse,

I am writing to apologize to you for my sister, Isis. In case you have not noticed, Isis is crazy. Literally. I wish I could say I were joking, but I am not. She suffers from several mental illnesses, and it is very sad to watch her when she behaves in a manner that is unfit for felines. I hope that with this letter, I am able to clear up some of the confusion as to why she wrote you that letter with those provocative pictures.

You see, she was first diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder. She is suspicious of everyone, even me. I could walk over to Isis and try to help her with her evening bath, and she will immediately go into attack mode. The only person she seems to trust is our human pet, and even then, that sometimes comes into doubt.

It has been so terribly trying because I love my sister. I don't know why she would ever think I mean her harm. Sure, I steal her food, drink her share of water, broke her Cat Charmer, ate all of her birthday stinky goodness, and have snuck up on her on more than one occasion, but that doesn't mean I really want to hurt her. Honestly - I'm too intelligent to go to jail.

She also has obsessive compulsive disorder. The human pet put catnip (I still can't believe our human is pushing this drug on us!) in a specific place in the living room way back when during Isis' birthday. Every night since, Isis has gone to the same spot on the floor, rolled around, sniffed, clawed, and examined it, hoping to find catnip that is not even there. Perhaps this is not so much obsessive as it is delusional, but in either case, she's crazy.

Isis also cannot sit anywhere without first kneading our human pet's flesh with her claws. She has raked several red lines into our human pet with her insanity, and it brings tears to my eyes every time. She just doesn't know how to sit somewhere, trusting the fact that the earth will remain still for her furry bottom. She insists on kneading the couch, pillows, the carpet, rugs, the comforter, and anything else she decides to sit down upon. I've never timed her kneading, but I suspect she could do it for hours if no one were to snap her out of her hypnotic state.

My sister, Isis, also has several phobias. She has ablutophobia (a fear of bathing or washing), acousticophobia (a fear of loud sounds), agrizoophobia (a fear of wild animals), ailurophobia ( a fear of other cats), amychophobia (a fear of being scratched), and perhaps her biggest one: aphenphosmphobia (a fear of being touched).

In regards to her thinking you were a secret admirer, clearly, you can conclude I didn't tell her that. She's delusional as I stated before so she is prone to scripting her own individual and private conspiracies. I don't even know how she managed to get on the computer when she's cyberphobic (fearful of computers).

Once again, my dear Mouse, I am sorry for the inconvenience my sister has caused. I hope you are not too terribly dramatized by the incident.


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Dear Mouse

Zeus has told me that you are interested in me. He says you are my "secret admirer". I did not understand this because if you are a secret, then how does he know? Anyhoo, he told me that in response to someone being your secret admirer, you are supposed to provide pictures of yourself. I don't know how much of this is true, but I'm playing along for the time being.

If I should find out though that you are in some way connected to the FBI, CIA, NSA, DIA, NRO, NGA, AFI, AI, NI, MCID, FDA, UNICEF, USDA, NBA, NFL, NCAA, Coast Guard, Navy Seals, United Nations, the Taliban, Department of Defense, member of the Pentagon, member of Homeland Security, or God forbid: Customs, I will be forced to take legal action against you and your supposed secret admirer advances.

Some people say I'm paranoid. I call it being cautious.

Here I am, striking a pose for the camera.

This is a good headshot of me. I can sit still if I don't think about everything else around me for two seconds.

And since I think you should have the full picture of me, this is me cranked out on nip. This left me with one humdinger of a headache the next morning.

I hope to hear from you soon, Mouse. Well, as long as you don't have bubonic plague, boils, warts, mumps, chicken pox, bird flu, typhoid, scarlet, or yellow fever, rickets, the shakes, scabes, leprosy, cow pox, or polio. I will need proof of your vaccinations should you choose to respond.

Special News Report

Read more about this devastating defeat at

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Testing Day, Number 2

Hello feline and homo sapien friends!

It's finally over, or so the human tells me. All this testing nonsense comes to a close, and not a moment too soon if you ask me. Today, the human pet had to take some other test so she could get certified in General Education for grades PreK-4. In my honest opinion, homo sapiens have way too much time on their hands to a) write all of these tests b) take all these tests and c) certify themselves for certifiable jobs.

She did well though: 93 out of 100. I think that is good enough to pass.

Also, she had her interview last night, and if you knew how her day went yesterday, you would be laughing. Because this is embarassing to the human pet, I feel the need to share with you the horrific experience Isis and I went through.

You see, at 4 o'clock on Monday morning, the human pet rushed to the bathroom where we heard her flip open the trap door of the litter bowl. She proceeded to make the worst wretching noises we have ever heard. It sounded like she was making her own personal splashes into the litter bowl. It was foul to put it lightly. Not even Isis makes noises or smells like this!

The human pet attempted to get ready for work, but she found herself doing sprints back and forth from the bedroom to the bathroom. It was not looking good for her. She decided to go to work nonetheless, but an hour and a half later, she was right back at home, her face white and pale.

The human pet had food poisoning. A bad case of meatballitis she said. Her theory was simple: The bag of frozen meatballs she had purchased on Sunday had somehow become defrosted, and someone at the local grocery store had put them back, letting them freeze again. It seemed likely, but then again, I have never been to a grocery store nor have I ever defrosted or frozen anything so I simply nodded my head in agreement.

With as much intestinal fortitude (pun intended) as she could manage, she made the hour drive down to the University for her interview. She hadn't timed it very well, and she had managed to make herself an hour and a half earlier than she had intended. She told me later she kept close watch on the bathroom while she waited for her interview.

The interview went well, and she was told that if she passed today on her Generalist EC-4, she would be accepted into their Masters program, which meant also that she got her tuition paid for in full. Books are another story, but I suppose I can cut down on my Cat Chow consumption to help pay for books. It's the least I can do.

She should get final word on her acceptance either today or tomorrow.

So right now, things are pretty good around here...aside from the human pet's belching. Her stomach is still sour, and she doesn't like Isis or I jumping on her tummy. We're just trying to force all of the nasty gas and such out of her body, but the human pet doesn't appreciate our methods.

Until the next time,

Saturday, May 13, 2006

The Toonces' Interview

Through much research, I was able to track down the one and only Toonces, The Driving Cat. It was not easy since Toonces had remained aloof and practically a recluse since the late 80's. It had been rumored that he was eating out of trash cans and living out of a cardboard box somewhere in the Hollywood Hills. I found this hard to believe, and I was further motivated to get to the truth.

Luckily, Steve Martin, who had worked with Toonces, had one of his many assistants provide me with some contact information, and as it happened, I managed to secure this phone interview with the talented feline.

Zeus: Hello, Toonces! I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with me today.

Toonces: Not a problem, Zeus. I had actually read your interview with Azrael, and I immediately wanted to be one of those lucky cats who appeared on your blog.

Zeus: Well, what a very nice compliment! I'm glad you enjoyed my work! I had been reading over your last public interview that you did with Jekke Blandt, and I was wondering if you could tell us how your rehabilitation was coming. You had some serious addictions back then.

Toonces: It's been a long, long road. Currently, I am a certified pilot for American West as I said before. I really enjoy being behind the wheel, cruising the skies at altitudes of 70,000 feet. It gives me this feeling that nothing bad can happen. Of course, when I get ready to land the plane, I've noticed that's when everyone tends to freak out.

Zeus: Why do you think that is?

Toonces: It's not like I have the best track record for coming to a safe stop. I mean, that's only natural people get nervous, and it's going to take people time to get over their false perceptions of me. (A small sipping noise is heard in the background.)

Zeus: Do you think you get fair treatment in comparison to the homo sapien pilots?

Toonces: I didn't get fair treatment when I was on Saturday Night Live so I didn't expect to be treated fairly at American West. Homo sapiens think that just because you don't have opposable thumbs that you can't drive. They think that you need to walk on two legs instead of four in order to reach the peddles. Humans don't understand that if a feline wants to do something, a feline will find a way to make it happen.

Zeus: So you consider yourself a pioneer, a civil feline rights activist in a sense?

Toonces: Of course! I may not be on television any more, but that doesn't mean the fight stops! Specieism, wherever it may be found, must be stopped. (Slurping can be heard.)

Zeus: You don't think that your stay at the Betty Ford Center might be the reason people, both feline and homo sapien alike, worry when you attempt to land the plane?

Toonces: I suppose it's possible, but who hasn't had twenty-three drinks in one night before? I mean, everyone's done it at some point or another.

Zeus: I haven't.

Toonces: Well, ok. Almost everyone.

Zeus: So is there any validity to the claim that you are living in poverty in the Hollywood Hills?

Toonces: Absolutely not. I have been very lucky that my wife and I and our twenty-some kittens get to stay with Dana Carvey. Granted, he lets us stay outside on his patio, so I suppose that's where the rumors are coming from.

Zeus: Do you think you will do any work in acting in the future?

Toonces: I think that part of my life is over. I have a much deeper passion for what I am doing right now. Piloting is driving, but on a much larger scale.

Zeus: Yeah, and you can kill people on a much larger scale.

Toonces: That's not being positive. (Slurps his drink) Man, this White Russian is fantastic!

Zeus: Gasp!

Toonces: Umm, this interview is over. I have no further comment. I have a plane I need to cra-- I mean, drive in an hour.

Zeus: NO!



Good morning, my friends!

First, the human pet wanted to say, "Thank you" to all of the many felines and humans who wished her congratulations! She was so very relieved when it was all over that she took an extremely long nap. I don't blame her one bit.

Second, the human pet just received word that she has now made it to the final cuts thanks to her G-R-E score. She has an interview on Monday at six o'clock in the evening at the university. If she does well, then she stands a very good chance to win the scholarship. This scholarship will be worth $20,000, and it will pay for her entire Masters. (This is the only reason the human pet even tried; she couldn't afford to go back to school any other way.)

Personally, I am not so sure what all of these details mean. I don't know anything about Masters or scholarships. As far as I was concerned, my human pet was already a Master at cleaning the litter box, keeping my food bowl filled, and providing excellent tummy rubs. What more does she need to be a Master in? As for the scholarship, I didn't realize they actually offered money to teach people these things! Perhaps more homo sapiens should get scholarships for becoming a Master.

I will promise to keep you all up to date with more information as it comes!