Friday, January 29, 2010

My throne

Originally posted January 16, 2007

He rapped the throne with a knuckle. "Do you know why this seat was quarried so flat and angular? So that no one would sit comfortably on it..."

Hrothgar to Eragon from Eragon by Christopher Paolini

Throughout the centuries, thrones have been a symbol of power. Typically, when we think of thrones now, images of high-backed chairs layered in gold filigree and adorned with intricate scrolling with red velvet cushions come to mind. Kings, queens, and even gods themselves were bestowed with such honorable places for sitting, and true to my namesake, I am no different.

My throne is unlike most that exist in the world. There exists a special bond between its soft contours and my extended frame, one that cannot be broken by the fact that I did not purchase it. No other throne in the world presents so many choices, angles, and positions by which to lay, sit, or bathe. Perhaps this was due to great foresight on the part of my pet when she secured my majestic seat.

Originally, black, glistening leather covered the entire length and width of my precious throne. The rounded arm rests puckered with fullness, and the seat cushions provided a firmness beyond compare. The sleek back stood strong in contrast to the rolling lines of the front portion, and no knick or tear was to be found.

That is, until my sister, Isis, decided to redecorate.

With envy burrowed into her heart, she scratched and clawed viciously into the corners of my throne's frame. She ripped its beautiful leather skin wide open, tore out chunks of its white, fluffy innards, and scattered the remnants of her attacks across the living room floor. Her eyes held madness within them as she kneaded the cushions with her needle-point claws, leaving trails upon trails of tiny pinpricks along the fabric. I could only watch in dismay as I saw my perfect fulcrum destroyed.

Apparently, I was not the only one to be in mourning over the desecration for my pet also suffered. No one came over to our abode for months as my pet believed the blasphemy of my throne to be an embarassment, a sign of her poor housekeeping skills. I remember watching how my pet would slink onto the throne with a deep, regrettable sigh, and the immediate wince that arose when she would hear the leather ache and groan from its open wounds.

Our sadness came to an end, though, with the gift of a royal slipcover. Cords of green design stretched across the sturdy fabric while thick bands of cloth tied in bows secured it to the sovereign seat. The pet tucked, tugged, and toiled with smoothing out the wrinkles and imperfections until one could almost mistake the luscious, verdant textile as the original.

I truly have never been happier.

But I am wiser.

Never again will I let the comforts of my throne pull me away from keeping a closer eye on those who would dare oppose my seat of power. Never again will I sit idly by while my enemies attack that which is most precious to me. Never again will I tolerate the mockery of my throne by others.

Consider this a warning, Isis.

The couch is mine.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Cat and The Coffee Cup: A Fable

Originally posted August 25, 2006

Dear feline, canine, and homo sapien friends,

Yesterday, I received my order from Kukka Couture, and I was ever so excited! I could not wait to sip my water from my new coffee cup, pouring over the many different blogs I visit everyday. I could not wait to stare longingly admire The Empress' face on my new magnet as it shimmered on the door of the refrigerator.

I placed the magnet in its prepared place on the refrigerator without any difficulty. However, when I attempted to use the coffee cup, I found that my paws were not willing to follow my heart's desire. I simply could not a) get my paw to hook around the cup properly and b) I could not get my snout (blasted whisker humps!) to fit through the circular opening.

Frustrated, I went to the human pet and asked for her assistance. She said to me, "If at first you don't succeed, try again." Well, I returned to the problem at hand, and I focused on lifting the cup with my paw. However, it fell to the kitchen floor and almost broke!

Becoming worried, I returned to the human pet and said, "Please! Help me use my new cup!" She said to me, "You can if you think you can. " Determined to make this work, I returned to the meddlesome coffee mug with a renewed sense of purpose.

Instead of trying to lift it, I stuck my nose as far down as I could! The pain was excruciating, but I worked through it. I shot my tongue out trying to lap up the water at the bottom, but it was no use! I was simply not getting anywhere with this confounded cup!

Tired, angry, and downright baffled, I stormed off to recollect my thoughts. Surely, there had to be some way to use this cup that I had been desiring for so very long! When I calmed down enough to continue my efforts, I returned to the kitchen only to find this:

THE NERVE OF HER! Her sly, little grin! Her thumbs-up! I had no words for her arrogance!

The moral of the story: Just because something may seem like it can't be used by another doesn't mean you automatically STEAL it from him so you can enjoy it for yourself....HUMAN PET!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Viruses killed the blogging star

Somehow, we have caught a virus here at the house, and before you ask, it's not H1N1.

We're working around the clock to get things back to normal. During this break, I'll be showcasing some of my finest work from years past. Feel free to tell me how much you love them the second time around.

Dying from computer withdrawals,


Victims of Ares, #2

Monday, January 25, 2010

An unrecognized level of consciousness

Dear Zeus,

A human friend of the maid thinks that we cats are actually aliens, sent here to spy on humankind. She claims that when we put on our meditational face that we actually are communicating with the "mothership".

Where do you think humans get these strange ideas? Does your human buy into crap like this?

The Cat Realm

Dear Cat Realm,

In the earlier days of my blog, I actually did a story on this strange concept. Even now, Google searches provide tremendous insight into the phenomenon. I personally have not received correspondence with the "mothership", but I wouldn't be surprised if Isis had.

I honestly believe that some homo sapiens would rather concoct fantasies to escape the mundane realities that comprise their lives. I also think this is some form of feline oppression because if we are aliens, then why should we have such things as feelings, thoughts, or even rights? It's easier for homo sapiens to dismiss things that they do not understand as things they fear for if they were to actually attempt to learn about them, they might find out they have more in common with those misunderstood people, animals, or even aliens than they had originally thought.

As for my human pet: She's what I would call 'a paradox', buying into both faith and reason at any one particular moment. When it comes to this, though, her answer is strictly, "Are you beeping kidding me? As if..."

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Raising of eyebrow coming up

Umm, I want to ask why you're sitting like that, Ares,
but then again, I don't want to know.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Time to trade up

I think there comes a time in every parents' life when they realize their child can no longer be labeled as such. They must refer to her as an adult, and with that title, comes a host of other necessitated actions such as not calling her five or six times a day to see if she has eaten, allowing her to sleep until she decides to wake up in the morning, and not wincing when she shows up dressed as a circus clown. For me, this day has come.

My pet is old.

I remember when we first met, 9 years ago, and she was so carefree, so idealistic. She would let me lounge on top of her, headbutt her, and even nip a time or two. She would giggle, and I would smile, knowing that my presence made her happy. It was so adorable the way she would try to close the bathroom door when she had to do her business, as if that could keep my fatherly eyes from her.

Nonetheless, she is old.

Sometimes, on weekends, she does nothing but watch television and rented DVDs. She pretends to be interested in the world, but she's actually just waiting for something to happen. I love how she tries to make it seem like Isis and I are the lazy ones, but seeing her just continue to decline is beyond me. First, it's the physical, then it's the mental.

My pet is so old.

Now, she comes home from work and won't move from the couch unless she has to eat or do 'other business'. She complains about her back aching, her knee hurting, and her head throbbing. If I so much as meow to her to let her know I care, she hurls out an immediate, "Zeus! Cut it out!" I think it might be time to let her out into the backyard so she can crawl away and die.

Wow, did I mention she's old?

Maybe those 40s will be better.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Digital cats take precedence

Marina found a lost White Kitty on their farm. Oh no!

Marina was farming when a lost White Kitty wandered onto their farm in FarmVille. She got separated... from her family in all the snow. She's cold, wet and could sure use a nice warm place to call home.

Honestly, human pet. How about you do something real about the actual, live, breathing pet population?

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Talk about creepy...

Am I really supposed to believe this guy just searched for me? Who the hell is this guy anyhow, and why is he searching for me?

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Taking no crap from Rice Cakes

Imagine my surprise this past week when I looked at my inbox and found the following:

Dear Zeus,

Thank you for putting Willis on your litter list. It gave us extra inspiration this week.



Ray Rice

I don't know what's worse: Having the Baltimore Ravens thank me for their stomping of New England, or cheering for the Indianapolis Colts this afternoon. When Baltimore fills one hand with jewelry like the human pet's Steelers, perhaps I'd consider entertaining the prospect of having a discussion with them, and when Indianapolis actually completes a perfect season without throwing it away just to rest players, perhaps they'll gain my respect again.

Regardless, thank you, Mr. Rice for reminding me that I have better things to do with my time than to sit down and watch your magnificent playoff game this afternoon. For even having written this letter to me, you too shall be added to my Litter List.

Good day, Sir.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Saturday, January 09, 2010

A Solution For Trying Times

Fellow toms and hoo-hah-challenged friends,

With freezing temperatures hitting the nation, it's important to winterize your God-given accessories. I am, of course, referring to your balls. With that in mind, consider this solution: The Cozy, Seamless Man Mitt, a.k.a. the Willie Warmer, a.k.a. the Peter Heater.

For only $4.00, it's certainly a bargain to make sure you don't freeze your nuts off this weekend.

Friday, January 08, 2010


Thursday, January 07, 2010

Marquee Mishaps

Recently, I mentioned a certain local automotive shop that was looking for a highly quailified individual. Well, I have a brief update on their latest marquee:






I'm becoming concerned about this establishment to say the least. I think I may have to go undercover and see if I can find out the story behind this creative spelling.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Credit Card Kitty

This photo from CNN shows Messiah, the cat accidentally issued a line of credit by The Bank of Queensland in Australia.

From the original transcript of Anderson Cooper 360 Degrees:

COOPER: Randi Kaye joins us now with a 360 bulletin -- Randi.

KAYE: Hi there, Anderson.

...To dry land in Australia, where a bank is in a hairy situation. It has apologized for issuing a credit card to Messiah. Messiah happens to be a cat. It's owner applied for the card to test the bank's identity security system. And well, the bank failed. The feline got a credit line of $3,300 U.S. dollars. And Anderson, you know you could buy a whole lot of cat food with all that credit. But the card has been canceled.

COOPER: Quite ridiculous. Randi, thanks.

For the entire transcript click here.

(Photo from CNN)

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Are you quailified?

No matter how bad the economy might be, I have yet to resort to getting my own job. Sure, I stimulated the economy, but really, I never had a true intention of obtaining a solid income. How would I ever be able to face myself in the mirror if I had a job, knowing I had forsaken my sloth-like feline instincts?

Needless to say, humans do very good work in reinforcing my continuing theory that felines are superior to their species. As a result, they can do all of the work while we remain comfortably at home, licking our precious paws. Consider this recent posting I saw for a local automotive shop:

Brake Specialist Wanted
We Only Want Quailified Individuals

Apply Within

Pray tell, what is a quailified individual? He sounds delicious. Imagine if he were a qualified quailified individual? Even more scrumptous.

I might just apply so I can meet some quailified individuals and invite them home for dinner. My dinner, that is.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Brady, McGahee Make Litter List While Palmer Remains Questionable

Dear Tom Brady,

I know things have not been the same since you injured your knee in 2008, but honestly, I hadn't thought it too much to ask that you lead your Patriots to victory against the Houston Texans. I'm almost tempted to wonder if Brian Hoyer could have gotten the job done. Why could you not just do what you're paid millions of dollars to do - win? Now, my human pet is utterly depressed that her Steelers have not made the playoffs, and I have to deal with it. Thanks a lot, jerk.

Welcome to my litter list.

Dear Willis McGahee,

You should probably know right now that you will not be winning the Super Bowl. There are better quality teams out there, and I'm sure you realize this. Was it really necessary to make your point by scoring all of Baltimore's touchdowns and single-handedly stomping the Oakland Raiders, keeping the Steelers from the playoffs?

Isn't that just a bit childish?

Welcome to my litter list.

Dear Carson Palmer,

While I realize your match-up with the New York Jets no longer affected the Steelers' chances of making it to the playoffs by the time your two teams took the field, I want you to know that this is your only warning prior to being placed on my litter list. If you so much as blow this opportunity to reach Super Bowl XLIV as the AFC North Champion, then your Bengals need to be hunted down and skinned. Don't think the irony of my previous comment eludes me, Palmer!

And though I know your team does not know how to handle winning (as demonstrated by your subpar performances in the past few weeks), you might want to read up on the subject prior to next week.

I'm watching you.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Win a Volkswagen Beetle in 2010!

When the human pet was 20 years old, she had the chance to intern at McGuire Memorial. The Felician Sisters operate this special place as a way to provide educational and therapeutic services to those who are severely to profoundly multiply handicapped of all ages. The residence has a licensed school, an adult day program, and respite and hospice care facilities. Thanks to the hard work and dedication of so many within the community, this home has become a true sanctuary for those who are faced with some of life's greatest challenges.

The human pet asked me to spread the word that this year, it is possible to purchase raffle tickets via the Internet to support McGuire Memorial's annual fundraiser. Twenty-five dollars earns you one ticket by which you have two chances to win a 2009 Volkswagen Convertible Beetle. I'd like to stress that it doesn't matter what state you live in nor do you need to be present to win! Two such cars will be given away, and of course, all proceeds go towards helping McGuire Memorial maintain the high quality of services they provide.

To learn more about McGuire Memorial, please visit their website here.

For more information on how to win a 2009 Volkswagen Beetle, click here. Instructions for purchasing raffle tickets are on the site.

Friday, January 01, 2010

Happy Birthday to Me

My birthday is incredibly important - so much so that people take to celebrating it the night before. I've never seen so many people blitzed on my behalf. I tried telling them to stop, that I was hardly worth such accolades, but they persisted, muttering in their half-slurred protests that it was 'New Years'.

And indeed, it is a new year for me.

Irregardless, I'm happy to say that turning 9 is really not as big a deal as I had thought it would be. I was afraid my tail would begin to slump, that fine lines would appear on my whisker humps, that I would wake up and find myself grooming gray fur. Alas, none of that happened.

Ah, life will move on. One year older, and for that matter, wiser.

So what have I learned in this past year of life? Let's see...

5. I can take on a Boston Terrier any day of the week.

4. I do not wish to go outside any longer. Watching Ares do his business outside in the cold rain was enough to knock that desire out of me.

3. Sleeping on the couch in the living room rather than my pet's bed is actually very nice as I have it all to myself.

2. Isis is still a bitch.

1. I'm still number one in my pet's eyes.

Ok, so numbers one and two weren't true lessons, but it's important to realize that you have a realization that continues to be realized.

So, in closing, Happy Zeus Year to everyone, and may your celebration of my humble day be a terrific one!