Monday, February 26, 2007

Vote For Mr. Litterbox, 2007!

[The bold sounds of big brass come blaring across the television screen. The camera pans across the contestants as they stand at attention, flashing their best smiles at the audience. Dressed in his finest evening wear, Zeus steps forward to a microphone at the front of the stage.]

The time has come to open up the voting to you, my dear readers! Consider all of our contestants equally, and make your decision carefully. The fate of our tomcats rests in your hands, paws, or other such appendages!

[A well-groomed man dressed in a dashing tuxedo saunters with authority towards Zeus, leans down, and whispers into his ear. He hands him a mysterious envelope and then walks off stage.]

Ladies and gentlemen, due to the fact that several felines competed in only one category, only one category for each contestant will be represented here on the blog. I will, however, point you in the direction of those who participated in all of our competitive categories so you can behold their individual greatness.

Without further ado, let's take a look at our gentlemen cats one more time:

Evening Wear


Other entries for Beau






Other entries for Skeezix

Sweeney's Boy


Other entries for Yao-lin

Strength and Form







Other entries for Jazper



[Zeus tears open the envelope handed to him earlier and releases a sigh in front of the audience. Realizing his error, he quickly clears his throat in an attempt to cover himself. He flashes a big grin to the camera and says:]

Due to misappropriation of funds, Mr. Litterbox voting will take place in the comments section of this post. You can vote more than once if you would like, but every vote must contain WHY you think your competitor is deserving of the title. In the case of multiple votes, list one reason per vote.

You have until Wednesday at midnight CST to get your votes in! Good luck to all of our competitors!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #26

Thirteen Ways To Know Your Human Pet Is PMSing

1. She insists on watching The Devil Wears Prada.

2. While watching, she breaks into tears and begins to pump her fist, yelling at the television set: "You go girl!"

3. You go to eat from your food bowl in the kitchen, and she yells at you for having walked into the kitchen.

4. After having yelled at you in the kitchen, she lays down on her bed and calls for you to snuggle next to her.

5. She eats large quantities of chocolates.

6. She attempts to balance out the chocolate binge by drinking copious amounts of water.

7. As she lays on the loveseat, you try to jump on top of her to lay down, and she screams, "Why are you doing this to me?!"

8. Your sister, Isis, steals more and more tampons from your human pet and dunks them into your water bowl for expansion. When you ask her why, she says, "For shits and giggles."

9. Every morning, your pet will look at you in her work outfit and ask, "Do I look fat in this?"

10. Of course, you can't rightfully answer her, and she breaks into tears, warbling, "I knew it! I knew I looked fat!".

11. There's plenty of naps for no apparent reason.

12. Lines such as, "I'm so tired," or "I just don't want to do anything," or "I just want to stay home," become like mantras.

13. Fast food becomes a staple for one week: McDonalds' french fries, Burger King's Whoppers, and Wendy's baked potatoes. Oh my!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Interview with Hercules: The Rotund and Robust Food Thief

The following is a recorded transcript, complete and without edit, of my interview with the feline food burglar, Hercules. Reader discretion is advised.

Zeus: Good morning, Hercules. It's a real pleasure to be speaking with you today.

Hercules: Thank you, Zeus. I appreciate this chance to defend myself against the allegations that I am a starving, fluffy thief.

Zeus: Absolutely! Before we go any further, I wanted to address your second name, Goliath. According to the tape on MSNBC news, they renamed you. Which do you prefer now?

Hercules: It's so sad when this happens, but unfortunately, here in America, name-changing for felines is all too common. I felt as if my entire identity had been lost when they did the story. I was once named after a demi-god known for his athletic prowess and strength. They made me out to be a dumb and burly giant that was too big for his furry britches.

Zeus: I can understand how that would be depressing. Did you not try to tell the people at the Humane Society what your real name was?

Hercules: Yes, but they laughed at me. I remember one handler who said, "You've got to be kidding me! Hercules?! Maybe if you're named after Hercules from The Nutty Professor!"

Zeus: Oh no! What did you say?

Hercules: What could I say? They had made up their minds about me. There was no changing their ignorance, especially since they had taken to standing in front of my cage, clapping their hands together, chanting, "Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!"

Zeus: So, if you don't mind my asking, why did you steal food in the first place?

Hercules: The whole incident has been blown completely out of proportion. My owner, Earnest, a gentle fellow, had been in the hospital for a lung transplant, and I, an obsessive worrier, turned to the one thing that could bring me comfort in such tragic times: food. I ate to simply ease the pain I felt inside. No one could understand how my life was in turmoil during those months.

Zeus: That's horrible, Hercules!

Hercules: No, what's horrible is the fact that now these humans with their stupid marketing gimmicks think that my pain is their gain! Having me be a spokesperson for some silly low-calorie cat food or appearing in Martha Stuart Living about how to help pets lose weight. I didn't ask for this! I don't want these photo shoots or interviews!

Zeus: Umm, this is an interview, and you seemed pretty excited when I spoke to you about the idea.

Hercules: What about my pain? What about my hurt? Where's Dr. Phil? Where's Oprah? Why haven't they called me? Why doesn't anyone help me?

Zeus: I don't know that they do cat interviews, Hercules.

Hercules: Oh to hell with it then! If no one cares about my pain, then what's the use fighting it? Do you know where's there a good Chinese buffet in Houston?

Zeus: I think they're pretty much a dime a dozen.

Hercules: Good. I got kicked out of the last one I was at. It was so embarassing. The lady said to Earnest, "You take your cat now. Sign say all you can eat, not you eat all!" Needless to say, I didn't get my money's worth.

Zeus: Nice talking to you, Hercules. Enjoy your dinner.

Hercules: Dinner? This is a snack.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Mr. Litterbox, 2007

The Miss Litterbox Committee felt that, if tried again, a contest drawing the most desirable tomcats from around the world might be well received. We of The Zeus Excuse present to you the first ever Mr. Litterbox Beauty Competition! The concept of presenting tomcats with, not just great looks (or hoo-hahs in most cases), but with style, charm, intelligence and strength will be entertaining millions worldwide. The search is on for the most desirable tomcat in the world!

Entry Rules

Who: Any cat, so long as he is male.

How to Enter: You are required to compete in one of the three categories: Evening wear, talent, or strength and form. (The logo for Mr. Litterbox would be an example of the third category!) Remember to be creative!

Due Date: You will have until Sunday, February 25, 8:00 pm CST to post your comment containing a link to your posted entry on this post. Voting will be open to the public on Monday, February 26, and will end on Wednesday morning at midnight.

What You Win: Mr. Litterbox will receive the highest quality, most illustrious, and notoriously expensive goodies befitting a tomcat of his standing. Items such as weights, proteins, bow-ties, cologne, etc., are subject to vary, but will undoubtedly be purchased at the finest of pet couture retailers, i.e., PetSmart.

Feel free to download the header graphic and spread the word to your fellow toms! Remember: Even if you do not have a cat blog, that is NO reason not to participate. We accept any and all entries!

You asked for it, and now it is here! So what are you waiting for? The next Mr. Litterbox could be YOU!

Friday, February 16, 2007

Merci des cadeaux!

Dear Ruthanne,

Thank you so much for sending my pet those wonderful Valentine goodies. I must say: Your idea of a Valentine was much more impressive than mine. Just so you know that everything arrived safely, I have included a photo:

Let's start with the Laura Secord chocolate hearts and Hershey Kisses. Do you know how helpful those are? Every evening, my pet always thinks to herself, 'Do we have anything sweet to eat? I just want dessert.' Finally, we'll be able to give her something to stop her endless musings.

The lovely pink socks covered in hearts is also a godsend. Perhaps now I won't have to hold my breath when I jump onto the loveseat to be by her. I will just encourage her to put those on from now on before I snuggle with her.

And as for the "matches-nothing-so-goes-with-everything" scarf, the pet has stated that too much workmanship went into making it so it cannot possible be a cat toy. To say I am disappointed is an understatement. Perhaps she does not realize that she did not get me anything for Valentine's Day.

I must finish this letter now before I cry. Thank you once again for looking out for her.

Au revoir,

Thursday, February 15, 2007

There she is, Miss Litterbox...

May I please present to you our new Miss Litterbox for 2007....

[Dramatic pause. Camera pans over all of the eager contestants' faces.] - Glitter Graphics

Please make sure to email me with your shipping information, and of course, you can let everyone know your new title by placing the button on your blog.

Thank you to all who participated! You were all lovely in my eyes!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Valentine Exchange

Here's the valentine I made for my pet:

Isis made a special one just for me:

And this is the valentine the human pet gave to us:

In a sense, her brief ode to us is comforting.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Stickied: Nobody loves me like you do...

Scroll down for today's post!

I'm in complete shock right now, but somehow, I managed to swing my tail into the FINALS for the Share The Love Blog Awards in the category of "Blog You'll Never Stop Reading"! Apparently, belting out personal renditions of Whitney Houston songs works in securing your love, so without further ado: "Ba-by, you give good voooooootes!" You have from February 7 until midnight on February 13 to place your vote!

Follow the link to vote for your favorite blogs here:

Monday, February 12, 2007

Vote for Miss Litterbox, 2007!

The dreams of one special femme feline are about to come true. You, reader, hold the power in your hands or paws as every vote you submit goes towards crowning the very first Miss Litterbox!

Let's take one last look at our contestants. Ladies, please:







Click on the button to place your votes now! You can vote as many times as you want until Wednesday at midnight!

Saturday, February 10, 2007

A Special Edition of Wooing Females: Wookin' pa nub in all da wong paces. Wookin' Pa Nub.

If you're a tomcat who is a few fries short of the downtown Happy Meal, then you know how I felt a few months ago when I decided to try eHarmony. 'What could be better than finding the love of your life without ever having to leave your home,' I thought to myself. It seemed like the perfect solution to my problem of finding true love.

I went to, and I proceeded to complete the questionnaire. It was unlike anything I had ever done in my life. I thought to myself several times, 'Do they really expect me to sit in this chair long enough to complete this?' The questions seemed to go on forever. The first section dealt with my personal description. The second revolved around my attributes. The third asked me for my feelings.

It went on and on and on.

I, however, knew this was my ticket to finally landing the femme feline of my dreams. I had to persevere!

My personal interests, life skills, and important characteristics in my future mate...

Yes, I want her to be passionate. Yes, she needs to have a high energy level. Yes, we need to be sexually compatible - especially since I've had the hoohahectomy.

(Alas, though, there was no place to document my lack of hoo-hahs. Perhaps it was better that way.)

My height, weight, and ethnicity...

Four feet sounded good. I had four after all. A svelte 240 ounces for my weight. I checked "Other" since "Feline" wasn't listed.

After all the seemingly ceaseless questions, I finally, Finally, FINALLY got my matches! Unfortunately, I wasn't able to see their photos unless I paid money, and well, my figurative pockets were empty. Nonetheless, my purring grew louder, and my tail swung rapidly back and forth.

I finally stood a chance of getting, what the humans call, "action".

My first match was Marie. She was 29. Her most recent book read was about Adolf Hitler. She stated: "It was about war, I did not like it but my knowledge about Hitler is good now."

I thought to myself, 'Really, Marie? You didn't like it? I'm shocked.'

I immediately moved on.

I looked at Michelle. She was 26. She provided some information as to her interests. As she put it: "I'm much interest in all that are important in the world."

I felt much dumb in all that I was after have read that.

Finally, I came to Audra. She was 31. She wanted others to know some very important information pertaining to her. This is what stopped me dead in my tracks: "I'm only human. Don't judge me. I do good when I want to do good."


I let out a deep sigh. With all of my hope blinding me from the beginning, I had no idea I would be matched with HUMAN females. I was so crushed that I slipped down into my computer chair, letting my nails scratch into the desk as my entire body sulked into one, big ball of ginger fur.

I share this story with you, my fellow hoohah-lacking toms, so that I might hopefully spare you the pain of what I experienced. No one should have their hopes built so high and then crashed so suddenly. After all: We might not have hoohahs, but we do have feelings.

*Entry for February's Write-Away Contest at Scribbit

Friday, February 09, 2007

Celebrity guest panalists for Miss Litterbox pageant revealed!

The phones have been ringing off the hook! Would you believe how many famous people want to be involved with Miss Litterbox, 2007? I was astounded to know that the competition had captured the hearts and minds of so many actors and actresses, singers, and Cirque du Soleil entertainers! After speaking with each and every last person who called, I have decided on three celebrities to act as guest panalists for the pageant.

Katie Rees, Former Miss Nevada USA 2007
Ms. Rees called me late Wednesday evening. She was deeply concerned about pageant security and whether or not audience members would be allowed to bring camcorders, digital cameras, and Motorola Razors of any color. I informed her that it was strictly an online pageant only, and she seemed to relax immediately.

She exclaimed, "In that case, get me a Jack-and-Coke and a sexy mama to snuggle with! I'm in!"

Vanessa Williams, Former Miss America 1984
Ms. Williams and I spoke early Thursday morning. She broke into tears shortly after our conversation had started, stating: "I just want to prove to people that I still got it." When I informed her that the competition was strictly for felines, she seemed to regain her composure quickly; however, I mentioned I would love to have her as a celebrity guest panalist.

"As long as that Katie Rees isn't a guest, count me in. I'm the original queen of scandal, and I don't need some wanna-be all in my business."

Empress Kukka-Maria, The Original Miss Litterbox
From late Thursday evening to early Friday morning, Kukka and I discussed how she would participate as a celebrity guest panalist.

"I need one cosmopolitan at 8:00 am, followed by a bottle of Grey Goose at 8:15. Nap at 9:00, and oh, of course, fluffing commences at 11:30, and -"

I cut her off: "Kukka, you do realize this contest is online, and in no way, shape, or form am I going to be there, waiting on you hand and paw. I don't mind if you drink while you look at everyone's gorgeous photos, but you'll be doing it from the comfort of your own home."

After three minutes of silence in which I thought she had passed out from her latest trip down Booze Lane, she replied, "I'm in."

Remember, femme felines: You have until midnight tomorrow evening to post your photos! Make sure to leave a comment on the Miss Litterbox, 2007 post. Your comment should include a link to your photo.


Thursday, February 08, 2007

Thursday Thirteen, Edition 25

Thirteen Reasons Kukka-Maria Will Not Be Participating in the Miss Litterbox, 2007 Pageant

1. Alcoholic binges are not a true talent.

2. Her idea of an evening gown is a muumuu.

3. Bono is sucking up her time with public appearances concerning ISHFTCILF.

4. Unfortunately, she's still nursing her wounds from her last Ultimate Fighting Championship experience.

5. She considers her lack of entry as "giving back to the little people".

6. She thought the term "Miss Litterbox" was demeaning and demanded that the title be changed to "Miss Personal-Excrement-Receptacle".

7. As demonstrated by her stint at Wal-Mart, her interactions with the public aren't always charitable.

8. She claims to be working on the sequel to her tell-all autobiography, You Don't Have to Work Hard to Get Into My Pants: I'm Not Wearing Any!

9. When she heard Oprah was going to have 81 cats participate in order to help them "find their spirit" after their immense tragedy, the Empress would have no part in the contest.

10. She knows that pageant winners are never heard from again, and well, that just won't do for the Empress. Just look at what she said about Miss America, 2007.

11. She has self-esteem issues after finding out that she is off-the-charts-obese.

12. The pageant is a prime opportunity for Stewie-Stalker to come out of hiding and threaten the Empress with her life. She still hasn't found a good bodyguard!

13. The Empress wanted to be a celebrity guest panalist and would not have herself reduced to a mere competitor. As she herself put it: "Why do I need to compete? I'm just better!"

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Miss Litterbox, 2007

There she is, Miss Litterbox
There she is, your ideal
The dreams of a million felines
Who are more than pretty
May come true in Atlantic City

Thanks to my good friend, Radioactive Jam, who recently informed the world of the Miss Atom 2007 pageant, I was inspired to provide an feline outlet for such a competition.

For the first time ever*, feline females, be they fixed or natural, hairless or matted, stray or purebred, will be judged according to the strictest of standards for beautific excellence. Behold: I bring you Miss Litterbox, 2007!

Entry Rules

Who: Any cat, so long as she is female.

How to Enter: You're required to compete in one of the following areas: Evening gown, talent, or bathing suit. Use your creativity! An example (And I stress the word "example" because God only knows how wrong this is.) of a bathing suit entry might be as follows:

When: Have your entries posted on your blog by midnight on Saturday, February 10, and provide me with a link to your post in the comments here as well. Voting will be open to the public on Monday, February 12 and end on Wednesday morning at midnight.

What You Win: Miss Litterbox, 2007 will receive a super-duper, ultra-cool, diva kitty collection courtesy of The Zeus Excuse. Items such as tiaras, minks, wands, etc., are subject to vary, but will most definitely be purchased at a fine pet couture retailer, i.e. PetSmart.

Feel free to download the header photo and spread the word to the feline blogosphere. Even if you don't have a cat blog, that is NO reason not to participate! If you have a fancy, fine, foxy female, it's time you share her with we sex-craved toms the world!

So what are you waiting for? It's time to get out there and shake your tail like you just don't care! Post those photos! Who knows? You just might win the coveted title of Miss Litterbox, 2007!

*May not actually be the first time ever, but first is so subjective a term that it really is debatable in my humble opinion.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Letters of the Alphabet Meme

Yesterday, Local Girl posted ten things that she loved / liked that began with the letter T. I liked it so much I asked her to give me a letter, and for some reason, she went with my human pet's initial and not mine.

What do you humans have against the letter Z? What did it ever do to you?

Nonetheless, here are ten things I love that begin with the letter M.

1. The very first thing that came to my mind were two of my favorite blogs: Meezer Tails and Memoirs of a Feline Empress. Sam, Miles, Kukka-Maria, and Brach are four of the best cats you'll ever come across in the blogosphere.

2. I like mothers of small children. A few of my pet's friends are mothers, and let me tell you, tomcats: those ladies know how to scratch, pet, and massage you completely. It's wonderful!

3. Mondays are exceptional for me since that is when I do my weekly happy dance in celebration of the human pet having to go back to work.

4. Marvel Ultimate Alliance is one of my most favorite humanip games ever! My pet will turn on the Playstation 2, and I immediately get so excited that I have to jump on her chest and perch right underneath her chin. Sure, she tries to push me down, but I just want a good view of Silver Surfer and Black Panther.

5. Mochas have the best smell! I don't even drink coffee, and yet, I am drawn like a moth to the flame every time.

6. Murdering intruders (i.e., cockroaches, lizards, spiders, etc.) who come into the house ranks high on my list. I know murder is a harsh word, and I only used it in order to complete this meme. Normally, I would just say "making intruders life-challenged".

7. Makeshift beds are always better than the typical places I nap. I suspect it is because there's an inherent thrill in being where you're not supposed to be. For example, sleeping on the top of the bookcases in the house is one of my personal delights.

8. Mirrors are one of the most amazing inventions of all humankind. If left to my own devices, I think I could stare, swat, and spat at myself all day long.

9. Mice, mice, mice! Do you honestly think we could have this list without mentioning those delightful creatures? Personally, I prefer the feather-butt variety.

10. Begrudingly, I must say Marina only because my pet's name begins with M. She'll be expecting it, and since relations are still tender, I chose not to risk the alternative.

Anyone else who would like to play, tell me in the comments, and I'll give you a letter!

You'll never stop reading me. Never.

It seems I have been nominated for a Share the Love Blog Award in the category of "Blog You'll Never Stop Reading". Who knew?! I'm definitely very honored for those who nominated me. You know who you are even if I don't!

This makes me want to belt out that classic Whitney Houston tune from The Bodyguard, only it would sound like: "And I-i-I-i will always read youuuuuuu...oooOOOooo..."

A-hem. Pardon me.

Please take a moment to follow this link to vote for my blog! I'm listed all the way on the bottom so make sure to scroll down. You have from February 1 to February 6 to help me get into the finals! Thanks so much in advance!

Monday, February 05, 2007

Peace at last

Dear Mr. Peyton Manning,

Thank you so much for defeating the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI! You will never know how your sheer tenacity, professionalism, and overall determination aided me in bringing peace to my household. I admit: I was a little worried when Devin Hester returned the opening kick-off for a touchdown, but I only had to remember that you knew how to "cut the meat" and that Rex Grossman was the Bears' quarterback.

My human pet said I should be sending this to Mr. Grossman and not you, but I didn't think that was quite right when I had asked you first. She also said that he should be the Indianapolis Colts' SuperBowl MVP, but I didn't think that was right either considering he doesn't play for your team. She's an odd one, my pet.

I have included a photo of what your win has done for my pet and myself. We have finally reached a truce, and I hope that this time, it lasts for longer than a week.

I will always remember this great gift, Mr. Manning, and I will cherish it for a long time to come. Thank you once again, and I wish you a very restful off-season.


Friday, February 02, 2007

Only you can help me, Peyton Manning!

Dear Mr. Peyton Manning,

Even though we have not met one another personally, I have a serious favor to ask of you. It only seems natural to turn to you as you always come across as a super-positive, encouraging, and inspirational force:

You see, my human pet right now is very upset with me. I can't even begin to tell you how upset she is with me. She says I've shared her personal business with others, that I've been unfair to her, and that I've even tried to get rid of her. It's been a tough tough that I even tried to go undercover as you did recently:

She still knew it was me just like she still knew it was you.

Please, Mr. Manning, do me the favor of winning this Sunday at SuperBowl XLI. My human pet will be too excited to even care about our petty argument if you win. She wants you to finally "seal the deal" as she puts it and cement your legacy as one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time.

She might finally let me sleep on her lap if you were to win. Oh, Mr. Manning, I beg of you: Please WIN!

It would mean so much to me, Mr. Manning. You would be really getting me out of a tremendous bind.

Thank you so much for your time and understanding,

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Thursday Thirteen, Edition 24


In light of your hissy-fit when I came home late and your recent plot to have people apply to be your so-called pet, I decided it was time for a very special Thursday Thirteen.

Excuse me? What's that? You write the Thursday Thirteens? Not this week, Zeus.

Thirteen Reasons You're Not Going to Get a New Pet

1. I bought you: I did indeed exchange fifty dollars for you when you were nothing more than a ginger purring machine. I even have my receipt as proof of the transaction.

2. We have six years behind us: You're willing to throw away all of our history because I have to go to school? Don't you think that's being a little immature?

3. No one else is going to put up with your dramatic ways: I don't know if you realize this about yourself, but you tend to exaggerate the truth A LOT. I don't mind, but do you think other people find this appealing? Probably not.

4. Some people don't like reality television: Who is going to debate with you as to who is Top Chef: Ilan or Marcel? Who is going to encourage you to apply for Fear Factor? Who is going to say to you "You're fired!" just to hear you giggle? That's right, Zeus: I do that.

5. No one even sent you an e-mailed pet application: See? No one else wants the responsibility of you.

6. No one else is going to tolerate your constant headbutting: I think it's quite possible I have a long-standing concussion from you, but have I complained? Not once.

7. You'll have to re-mark all of the new pet's stuff: That's a lot of rubbing and scent depositing. Do you really want to go through with the hassle?

8. Not everyone serves IAMS Select Bites with Salmon in Sauce: I think that says it all.

9. You snore: Most people do not enjoy listening to a fifteen-pound, ginger tabby snore louder than their television set. I'm just giving you the facts.

10. You complain a lot: Call the Whaaaaaaa-mbulance! Zeus wants something!

11. There's not a lot of people in this world who enjoy the delightful scent of kitty flatulence: I don't think I need to explain any further.

12. You're a thief: You stole all of my Hershey kisses. If there's water left in my cup and I walk away, you drink it. My hair-ties are all gone thanks to you. I could go on, but there's not enough time in the day.

13. You're all talk and no walk: At the end of the day, you let your mouth write checks you can't cash. Isis and I know you all too well.