Thursday, August 31, 2006

Thursday Thirteen Edition #6

Thirteen Ways To Know Football Season Has Arrived at The House!

1. Isis and I become cheerleaders thanks to our black and gold fur.
2. Red, orange, green, blue, purple, and even brown are all banned from The House until March.
3. Instead of attending Sunday mass at noon, the human pet wakes up especially early for the seven o'clock mass so she can be home in time for kick-off.
4. There's an increase in spaghetti products stockpiled in the pantry.
5. Tostitos, salsa, and queso become a standard desert.
6. Sailors even blush at the blue streak issued from the human pet's lips.
7. People who do not want to watch, cheer, or support the Steelers are asked to leave.
8. The hours of noon to four o'clock on Sunday become an aerobic exercise in standing up and sitting down.
9. There is no taking the name of Roethlisberger in vain.
10. Every month, the human pet curses her DirecTV bill, but writes it off as "a worthy cause".
11. Attire for Sundays must be: Steeler hat, Steeler shirt, Steeler pants, Steeler socks, Steeler shoes...and of course, Steeler boxers.
12. Between September and March, the human pet gains seasonal telepathic abilities with the Steeler coaches as they communicate via the television.
13. There's no messing with Bill Cowher's chin whatsoever!

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

And Aristotle said, "Law is mind without reason."

Homo sapiens, why do you make your lives so very difficult? Are you obsessed with the very notion of the word struggle? Is there something inherent in your nature that causes you to micromanage your lives to the very simplest of tasks? I ask these things because I noticed in my research that you seem compelled, fascinated, and overall consumed with the development, institution, and distribution of laws.

For example, in the great state of Kentucky well known for its rural bluegrass scenes, it's unbridled spirit, and those talented Cardinals, it is law that you must bathe at least once a year - like it or not! I must say this raises some serious questions for me. Why is it law that someone must bathe? Did the entire state, at some point or another, not take it upon themselves to become clean? Were sales that low for Bath & Body Works in the Bluegrass State? And more importantly, who is exactly responsible for monitoring that the great citizens of Kentucky are actually bathing once a year? Calgon, take me away from my old Kentucky home!

And speaking of bathing, a Virginia law requires all bath tubs to be kept outside on the yard and not inside the house. Apparently, Virginia has tackled the problem with Kentucky's original law. The citizens of The Old Dominion now regulate one another by watching who is taking a bath and who is not. Perhaps it is a community get-together in the style of the ancient Roman baths. Unfortunately, the populace has bred anarchy, and many homes have their baths inside rather than on the front yard for all to see.

For every bizarre law concerning cleanliness, there are also plenty of strange laws concerning dirtiness. In Texas, it's legal for a chicken to have sex with a human, but there shall be no reciprocating! Texas clearly considers its chickens in a higher regard than it does its human citizens to give such power to the chickens, but I don't think our fine, feathered friends are even aware of this law. If they were, I wonder how they might feel about it.

And the very nerve of Californians to outlaw sex between cats and dogs without a permit! I don't see many humans walking about obtaining permits to have their relationships with one another. Why must we felines and canines be subjected to such oppression? I am free to love who I want, when I want, and where I want! Do you think Jenna Jameson has a permit? I don't think so!

In a totally different vein, the city of Springfield, Illinois prohibits "dwarf-tossing" in its bars because, and I quote: It's dangerous and exploitative. However, similar to the cat and dog permit for lovemaking in California, you can obtain a special permit to toss your dwarf at your local church social. Perhaps Gimli recognized how illegal the act was when he whispered to Aragorn in The Two Towers: "Don't tell the elf!" and then had Aragorn toss him into the orc mob.

Homo sapiens, I live by three laws and three laws only:

  1. When I'm sleepy, I sleep.
  2. When I'm hungry, I eat.
  3. When I need to use the litter box, I use it.

Wouldn't your lives be so much easier if you only had to worry about the important things in life? Or is it that you cannot identify what those important things are and hence, you are compelled to control everything?

Try my three rules for one day and see if you are not a happier person!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Heartless human pet

Dear human pet,

Yesterday, I made you a tremendous lunch, and what do you do to repay me? As soon as you came through the door at 9:00 p.m., having been gone since 6:30 a.m., you walked into your room and never came out to even so much as say hello to me. If this is how you are going to treat felines who show you kindness and generosity, then maybe I'll think twice before I pack you a lunch again.

P.S. Don't even think about using my coffee cup this morning! I got my eye on you, woman!

Monday, August 28, 2006

Bon appetit, human pet!

Mmm, mmm, mmm, my friends!

Today is the beginning of the fall semester for my human pet! We're all very proud of her for the tremendous start to her graduate work at the University of St. Thomas. With a current 4.0 average under her belt, she now attempts Educational Research which promises to be challenging in every sense of the word!

With this in mind, I realized that the human pet was going to need some serious brain food for her first day back to class. I knew with proper nutrition she would be able to tackle the tough vocabulary and comprehend the daunting concepts that would be presented to her!

Thus, I packed her lunch for school.

I started with some flavorful fresh fruit to wet the appetite:

I added in some caffeine just to insure there would be no inappropriate dozing:

Then, I concocted an epicurean masterpiece of luscious tuna and creamy peanut butter in between two slices of fresh white bread. Two great tastes brought together in the name of protein:

However, what is a sandwich without something crunchy beside it? Henceforth, I packed her her own delightful snack bag of salmon and yogurt kibble straight out of my food bowl:

Bon appetit, human pet!

Friday, August 25, 2006

The Cat and The Coffee Cup: A Fable

Dear feline, canine, and homo sapien friends,

Yesterday, I received my order from Kukka Couture, and I was ever so excited! I could not wait to sip my water from my new coffee cup, pouring over the many different blogs I visit everyday. I could not wait to stare longingly admire The Empress' face on my new magnet as it shimmered on the door of the refrigerator.

I placed the magnet in its prepared place on the refrigerator without any difficulty. However, when I attempted to use the coffee cup, I found that my paws were not willing to follow my heart's desire. I simply could not a) get my paw to hook around the cup properly and b) I could not get my snout (blasted whisker humps!) to fit through the circular opening.

Frustrated, I went to the human pet and asked for her assistance. She said to me, "If at first you don't succeed, try again." Well, I returned to the problem at hand, and I focused on lifting the cup with my paw. However, it fell to the kitchen floor and almost broke!

Becoming worried, I returned to the human pet and said, "Please! Help me use my new cup!" She said to me, "You can if you think you can. " Determined to make this work, I returned to the meddlesome coffee mug with a renewed sense of purpose.

Instead of trying to lift it, I stuck my nose as far down as I could! The pain was excruciating, but I worked through it. I shot my tongue out trying to lap up the water at the bottom, but it was no use! I was simply not getting anywhere with this confounded cup!

Tired, angry, and downright baffled, I stormed off to recollect my thoughts. Surely, there had to be some way to use this cup that I had been desiring for so very long! When I calmed down enough to continue my efforts, I returned to the kitchen only to find this:

THE NERVE OF HER! Her sly, little grin! Her thumbs-up! I had no words for her arrogance!

The moral of the story: Just because something may seem like it can't be used by another doesn't mean you automatically STEAL it from him so you can enjoy it for yourself....HUMAN PET!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Thursday Thirteen Edition #5

Thirteen of the Funniest Comments This Past Week

1. "All I'm saying is that 420 kittens makes me fall down on my four knees and express my gratitude for being spayed!," said The Empress Kukka-Maria.
2. Trish exclaimed, "A 3 pound cat?! That's about the weight of my cat, Nimitz's, left butt cheek."
3. "Too much Zeus at once can put my little body in a state of happy shock... me would rather take it in at a slower rate!" remarked TigerSan.
4. Brody the Bulldog pointed out, "Isis - you should be glad that you don't share the back of the love seat with ME!
5. "Your skills at getting the true story out are amazing," stated Cheysuli.
6. Lilize warned, "Just don't take a microphone ok?"
7. "We always wondered when he would come out...with the real story, that is...," pondered Grr, Midnight, and Cocoa.
8. Merlin, Shadow, and KO KO replied, "You really captured Core's deep, deep, distress."
9. The Divas at Diva Spot commented, "...[A] little catnip goes a long way in restoring your faith in mankind!"
10. "Are ya doing nip when you write these intensely theological ponderings Zeusie?" questioned Scooby, Shaggy, and Scout.
11. Nimbus mused, "You have inspired me to comtemplate life and love. But first, a nap."
12. "This is a shocking revelation. For all these years, I had believed the Sphinx was a pug," howled Ayatollah Mugsy.
13. Aloysius offered, "...[H]e is welcome to join the Church of Catmylogy where we celebrate the feline in all of us."

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

What's on page 123?

I was tagged by Sam for this quick and easy book meme!

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123
3. Find the fifth sentence
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that cool or intellectual book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
6. Tag whomever you want, or not.

Ok, here we go. The closest book to my desk was Mirror, Mirror: A Novel by Gregory Maguire.

"Take the child from the house, deep into the woods, far beyond where anyone might find her."

"There are woods enough to lose a child in."

"I want her more than lost. I want her life."

I tag the following:

1. Lilize
2. Sam I Am
3. The Meezers
4. The Crew
5. Sophie

The Sphinx: Man or Cat?

I have an exciting announcement to make, my feline friends!

The Sphinx of Egypt has long guarded the tombs of the nation's ancient kings. It has served as a symbol to its people of strength and wisdom. Many tourists visit Egypt every year to see this great marvel, and yet, not one person can answer this one simple, and yet often neglected, question: Is the Sphinx man or cat? From the evidence I collected, I believe I have finally answered this crucial scientific debate.

Long before the Egyptian statue was created, the sphinx was believed to be a mythical monster by the ancient Greeks. Oedipus (known best for having slain his own father and loving his mother inappropriately a bit too much) met the magical beast in battle along the high roads of Thebes. The sphinx, described as "having the body of a lion and the upper part of a woman", was cunning as it asked every traveler to the city a riddle, and if the person failed to answer correctly, he was killed where he stood. Oedipus, however, was a highly intelligent man (all things considered) who faced the Sphinx's riddle and won.

With this in mind, I took a closer look at the pictures of the Guardian of Giza. Here we see similarities but a striking difference. The body is still that of a lion; however, the head is that of a man. Also, since it is a man, it is difficult to tell where the lion's body stops and the man's portion begins. Hence, where the Greek version, at very best, may have been 40% human and 60% cat, the Egyptian version is 20% human and 80% cat.

However, as I poured through the documents available to me, I came upon perhaps the find of a century! Nestled in between the dusty tomes found at my local community library, I found this startling and revealing photo:

For the first time ever, my feline friends, I can say with absolute certainty that this ages old question can finally be answered. The Sphinx, undoubtedly, is ALL CAT! I cannot in good faith keep this revelation to myself any longer, and as a result of this exquisite artifact, I will be sending my research to the Texas Archeological Society for further investigation.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

"There isn't any symbolism. The sea is the sea. The old man is the old man." - Ernest Hemingway

In my studies of the homo sapien, I have come across a particular pattern which I personally find intriguing. It would seem that homo sapiens everywhere are bound by a peculiar set of symbols. It doesn't matter what country the homo sapien resides or to what belief system the homo sapien adheres. Every single one, male and female alike, respects and holds dear these images which in turn mean something other than what those images actually are.

For example, if you were to draw a heart on a piece of paper and hand it to your human pet, the first response is bound to be, "Aww!" It stirs up images of love and romance. It makes the homo sapien's knees buckle and her heart to race. But why? Forget the fact that it doesn't even remotely resemble the heart that resides in a homo sapien's chest. If you were to show me a picture of a heart, I'd probably yawn, scratch my ear, and then return to my exotic lifestyle of being awake for all of six hours and sleeping the other eighteen away. Did these homo sapiens not consider any other shapes? What of the parallelogram or the hexagon? Did they even ask the rhombus? Apparently, these shapes were just not as cool as the heart with its symmetry and contoured lines.

What metal is deemed more worthy than all the others to represent "the best of the best"? Gold! Every four years the humans hold a special ceremony known as The Olympics to commemorate their athletic excellence, and the winners all receive beautiful gold medals. Surely, platinum cried on the day the homo sapiens declared gold the best metal of all metals. Perhaps platinum said, "But I last longer! I do not tarnish or bend or break as easily as gold!" Platinum's woes were dismissed though so that gold could forever be the epitome of the word first. I can only imagine how terribly depressed and rejected silver and bronze must have felt when they heard the news that they were "almost good enough" to be first, "but not quite".

On special occasions, even homo sapiens' food takes on significance. Pineapples used to be thought of as something only royalty were worthy enough to receive. Noodles in China are seen as a symbol for longevity, and a fish served completely whole is a sign of prosperity. Hindus and Buddhists offer food on their altars as a way to provide sustenance to those passed on to the afterlife. On Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, apples are dipped into honey to bring sweetness in the coming year. I'm sorry, homo sapiens, but if you serve me wet food, dry food, cooked beef, or even sardines, I don't instantly think I'm coming into money, going to have good luck, or even that I'm royalty. I'm just going to eat it, and I'll probably complain that I didn't have enough. Let's not neglect to mention the large amount of flatulence I'll have!

The one which I find perhaps the most interesting, absolutely all four paws down, has got to be the symbols homo sapiens use to state they are mated to other homo sapiens. Sure, wolves mate for life, but we don't see them running around with little wedding bands around their toes. (I'm sure it would make for very difficult hunting, and let's not forget that sizing would be difficult.) Everything from lighting the unity candle, exchanging arras, purchasing matching wedding bands, or even the great symbol of Shuangxi in Chinese to indicate "double happiness": why, why, why? If you love someone, homo sapiens, isn't it enough to live your life as a tribute to your mate? I know that when I find the one I am meant to love, I will sleep, eat, and use the litter box every day to honor the special female feline. It's the least I could do.

Monday, August 21, 2006

The Montecore Interview

On Sunday, August 20, 2003, I was lucky enough to land a telephone interview with Las Vegas' own, Montecore. What follows is the transcript of our conversation: complete and without edit.

Zeus: Let me just say it is truly an honor to be speaking to you today, Montecore.

Montecore: Core. Call me Core. Everyone does.

Zeus: My apologies. Core it is then.

Montecore: I was a bit hesitant to appear on your blog, but having been out of the limelight for nearly three years I felt it time to come out of the clos-...err, hiding to clear my name.

Zeus: Clear your name in reference to the incident at the MGM Mirage on October 3, 2003?

Montecore: Well, of course, but also the rumors in regards to my jealousy.

Zeus: I hadn't heard anything like that, Core. Why would you be jealous?

Montecore: Because of Siegfried choosing Roy over me.

Zeus: Fascinating! I had no idea.

Montecore: Let me explain. In 2003, we were performing nearly daily at the MGM Mirage in Las Vegas. Night after night, crowds would come to see us perform, and we always brought down the house. However, offstage, my life was hell.

Zeus: Why? What happened?

Montecore: I started noticing towards the end of the summer that Siegfried was spending less and less time at my cage. He wouldn't personally feed me. He wouldn’t come to tuck me in at night. He didn't even glance in my direction when I walked by him. What hurt the most was we never talked anymore. Between the constant performing and my relatio-…err, friendship dying, I felt myself fading physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Zeus: That sounds serious! Why didn’t you just ask Siegfried what was wrong?

Montecore: How could I when he wouldn’t even look me in the eye? I tried to ask Roy if he knew what was up, but all he ever said to me was, “Ich werde dich ausstopfen und auf eBay versteigern!”

Zeus: I’m sorry, but I don’t speak German. What did Roy tell you?

Montecore: Basically, that he would stuff me and sell me on eBay.

Zeus: Holy Knights of Columbus, that’s harsh!

Montecore: Oh, girl, tell me about it. I mean, here I was, stuck in a cage, alone and frightened, and…

Zeus: Umm, excuse me, but I think you may have called me a girl. I’m a guy.

Montecore: Oh yeah, whatever, but listen: So finally, I decided that enough was enough. I was going to find out why Siegfried wasn’t coming to my cage anymore. So during the last week of September, I cornered Roy after one of our performances and said, “Where is Siegfried going this evening? I want to come along too. He and I have to…,” and before I could finish, Roy smacked me across the whisker humps and said, “Er ist meiner, Weibstück!” It was all downhill from there.

Zeus: Do I even want to know what he said to you?

Montecore: Just his typical flames at me. So on that fateful night, I made a decision: I wasn’t going to take orders from Roy anymore. If they wanted me to do what they wanted, Siegfried would have to come face me like a man and tell me himself.

Zeus: You know, I can’t help thinking that this resembles jeal-…

Montecore: It’s not jealousy! I just wanted to talk to him! Now, do you want to hear what happened, or are you going to judge me as well?

Zeus: I wasn’t judging. I was just making an observati-

Montecore: Anyhow! So Roy and I were on the stage in front of a packed house. Roy gave me an order to jump onto the glittering pedastal, but I said to him, “I want to see Siegfried now, bitch!”, and I refused to move. Do you know what he did? He stood in front of me and said, “Wer ist das Weibstück jetzt, Weibstück?”, and he hit me on the nose with his microphone!

Zeus: So the whole excuse that a woman sitting in the front row with an ornately high hairdo overwhelmed you is completely false?

Montecore: Completely! I wasn’t going to have him call me a Weibstück one more time! I grabbed at his sleeve and flung him to the ground! The next thing I remember is having three fire extinguishers in my face and being thrust into my cage.

Zeus: Core, I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

Montecore: [Sniffling can be heard in the background.] I am too. I miss Siegfried. I miss having him come to my cage at night. I miss having him pet my fur. I miss listening to his gentle voice. [Painful sobbing is evident.] It’s just too much sometimes. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to move on from everything we shar-…err, went through together.

Zeus: I’m sure in time that everything will work out for the best, Core. Things always happen for a reason.

Montecore: Maybe it was so I could meet you. [Clears throat.] So what are you doing later this evening?

Zeus: Umm, I’ll be sleeping probably. I always sleep in the evening.

Montecore: No matter. I’ll give you a call later this week. We’ll think of something.

Zeus: I don’t know. My human pet doesn’t really let me out of the house that much.

Montecore: I’m a 600 lb. White Bengal tiger. What’s she going to do to me?

Zeus: True. Ok, I’ll talk to you later!

Montecore: I hear you're amazing. I’m looking forward to it.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Sharing Is Caring

Isis: Excuse me, but I'm planning on sleeping here.

Zeus: Pardon me, but I have been sleeping on the back of the loveseat before you were even conceived.

Isis: [Sigh] You're so annoying, Zeus.

Zeus: [Big cheesy grin] I know.

Isis: Could you stop snoring in my ear already?

Zeus: ZzzzzZZZZzzzzZZZZZZzzzz

Isis: When I wake up, it's a paw to the jaw, buddy!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Thursday Thirteen Edition #4

Thirteen Famous Cats in History

  1. Muezza was Mohammed's favorite cat. It is said that when Mohammed was called to prayer one day, he found Muezza sleeping on his robes. Rather than disturb the feline, he ripped the sleeve off to allow the cat to sleep in peace.
  2. Kaspar is a black cat found at The Savoy Hotel in London. Should you book a party of thirteen at their restaurant, expect Kaspar to join you so you have no bad luck!
  3. Mr. Peebles may be the world's smallest cat. Currently living in Illinois, he weighs only three pounds!
  4. Hellcat and Brownie inherited $415,000 from their deceased owner, Dr. William Grier of San Diego, CA, in the 1960s. Today, the descendents of the two felines are worth over $2 million dollars.
  5. Andy fell from a window on the 16th floor of a hotel and lived to tell about it. As a result, he has the world's longest non-lethal fall in history.
  6. In 1996, Scarlett and her five kittens were trapped inside of a burning building in Brooklyn, New York. However, Scarlett saved all five of them by carrying all of the youngsters to safety.
  7. Earlier this year, Tommy recognized that his owner was in need of help when the man fell out of his wheelchair. Tommy quickly dialed 9-1-1, and authorities came to help.
  8. Chyna had carried to term still-born kittens. However, when Valley Pet Association in Pittsburgh, PA, came across 25 kittens that had been abadoned, Chyna quickly filled in and took care of each and every last little one as only a mother can.
  9. Humphrey the Cat served as the black and white mascot of the British Prime Minister's residence, No. 10 Downing Street for eight years.
  10. Faith was the first cat to ever receive decorations for courage as a result of her bravery during an air raid in London in September, 1940.
  11. Catarina was the feline of Edgar Allan Poe. She is believed to be the inspiration behind his story, The Black Cat.
  12. Dusty is believed to hold the record for delivering the most kittens in a lifetime: 420.
  13. Dolores woke her owner up when she realized the house was on fire. She was the recipient of the American Humane Association's national William O. Stillman Award for bravery.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens:

Get the Thursday Thirteen Code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View more Thursday Thirteen participants!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

What kind of dog is Dog?

Isis, the human pet, and I were all watching television this evening, and one of the human pet's favorite shows came on: Dog: The Bounty Hunter. I settled in and watched the entire hour of programming, but would you believe there was not one traditional canine in the whole show? I admit: I was slightly confused, and I'm sure some of you will be as well as I provide the details.

Duane Lee Chapman, a.k.a "The Dog", is a bounty hunter. What that means is he hunts down people known as fugitives, a.k.a. not-so-nice-people, and brings them to jail. He does this with the help of his posse: his wife, Beth, his son, Leland, and his brother, Tim. Sometimes, bringing in people to serve their time in jail goes easy. Most of the time, though, not so much.

Upon watching the episodes and compiling the data, I decided that Dog Chapman was part dog for the following four reasons:

He's able to sniff out bad guys. This guy is always talking about his nose! He points to it. He taps it with his finger. He references it: "My nose knows he's [a fugitive] in there!" Being a feline, we have a strong sense of smell, but I know when I am beat by the sheer tenacity of a bloodhound or beagle. I suspect one of these distinguished breeds is in Dog Chapman's family tree.

He's got brawn. One episode showed how a man was being hidden by his mother in the apartment. Dog knew the man was inside, but he wanted a peaceful resolution to the matter. Dog asked politely yet firmly for the mother to let the man come out, but instead, the man came from the kitchen with a knife and tried to hurt Dog. Dog didn't even flinch! He took the man down in one swift motion just like an English Bulldog to a surging bull! The whole thing was over before you could say, "Aloha!"

He possesses instincts. Sometimes, even Dog's nose fails him. Even with the posse by his side, he may not be able to find a runaway fugitive very quickly. However, Dog doesn't even stress about it. He turns inward, and he comes up with a plan to enable him to succeed. Dog always knows where these fugitives will go, how to make them come out of hiding, and how to put the pressure on just like a good German Shepherd! Perhaps he has more than one breed to his name.

He is loyal. Every feline and canine knows that our family is the most important thing to us in the entire world. We would go out of our way to ensure the safety of our human pets. The same can be said of Dog. Every episode we watched showed how Dog was committed to his family and their well-being. Did I mention he has 12 pups as well? That's quite the litter to be taking care of!

Why don't we compare notes? Check out the show Wednesday evenings on A&E and tell me how you think Dog is...a dog!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The Spa Day From Hell

For those felines and canines out there who may have doubted whether or not your human pets truly do love you, I urge you to read on. This is a true story concerning what happened to Isis and I when we went for a "spa day" at one of the local grooming parlors. The facts are true, and the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

It just so happened that Isis and I had received two free passes to the local grooming parlor known as DDO. (That's not the real name, but it's an abbreviation for the parlor.) My human pet called in advance to see what kind of parlor DDO was:

Human Pet: So how much experience do you have bathing cats?

Lady From DDO: Oh, I have ten years experience. I've seen it all. There's nothing I couldn't handle.

Human Pet: Ok, I don't doubt that, but when I tell you you will have problems with the two of them, you need to...

Lady From DDO: Ma'am, I promise you: Nothing bad will happen. Zeus and Isis will be fine! They'll love coming here.

Convinced she was probably overreacting, the human pet dropped us off promptly at 7:00 am yesterday morning. She was met by the woman she had spoken to on the phone, and they exchanged pleasantries. Isis and I were whisked off, though, behind the scenes, and it was then that I saw what kind of place this truly was.

As soon as the human pet left, the lady came over to my carrier, lifted the lid, and proceeded to force me onto this cold, metal table. She turned on the water very suddenly, and to be honest, this is where it gets a little hazy for me. All I remember is that I growled loudly at the lady, and when she came near to me with some soapy gunk, I lept onto the cabinets, hissing my defiance. She came after me, shouting at the top of her lungs, "Zeus! Zeus! Get down from there!" Ha! As if!

Two other people joined in the fray, and they chased me around the room. I dashed into a high corner by the ceiling and swatted at them with my big claws. I bared my teeth to let them know I meant business! When they got too close, I jumped down and ran along the floor, in between their legs. Unfortunately, though, they tried to subdue me with a cat muzzle (which I promptly ripped to shreds) and a blindfold (which was completely ridiculous because I shook it off). Finally, because the three humans couldn't figure out how to get me washed off, they shoved me into a crate and poured water on top of me.

They left me there for eight hours. In air conditioning. Soaking wet. With no food or water. Alone.

My sister, Isis, on the other hand, is psychotic. We all know this, but these humans did not. They attempted to get her out of her case, and she immediately crunched up into the back of the carrier. She puffed her fur out like a silver blowfish, and her eyes went from a beautiful emerald green to a frightening red. I believe her head even spun around a few times, and I think I overheard one of the humans scream, "She's vomiting green puke on me! She's possessed!"

However, I could hear Isis shouting in a demonic rage, her voice echoing off of the pale yellow walls: "You'll never take me alive, bitches! Come and get some! You want some of this? I'll give you some of this! Let me introduce you to my little friend!"

Thwap! Thwap! Smack! Hiss!

The humans decided they would not pursue washing my sister. They backed away slowly from the carrier, only to listen to the howls of amusement and pleasure emanating from my deranged sister. Apparently, Isis was too much of a threat to them with her ten pounds of fluffy fury.

I lost track of time as I sat alone in my cell. I dozed in and out of sleep, but sleep would not come easy as I listened to the anguished cries of so many others sent to this palace of torture. However, I think it might have been in the afternoon that I saw the lady who welcomed us in the morning come in on a cell phone:

Lady From DDO: Hello Ms. S.? [Yes?] Yes, we had some problems with Zeus and Isis that I think you should know about. [What do you mean, "problems?"] Well, we tried giving Zeus a bath, and he ended up almost hurting himself. [What do you mean he almost hurt himself?] Well, Ma'am, he just got very excited, and we had to stop his bath. [So you let him dry off with the soap on him?] Oh no, Ma'am. We finished the bath in his crate. [So how do you know he's clean? Is he even dry?] We let him dry off on his own. [Really?]

Umm, well and Is-Is ...[You mean, Isis?] Yes, Ma'am, Is-Is. Well he [her], umm, yes, he is a danger to himself as well as other people. [I'm sorry. Come again?] Is-Is put up such a fight that we found him to be too dangerous an animal to bathe. [Really?] Yes, really, and [I think I've heard enough. Especially considering this is the same woman who told me she had ten years experience and had seen everything.] Well, Ma'am, I...[No, I'm coming right now to pick them up, and we'll talk about this when I get there.]

The lady's skin turned white as she lowered the phone from her ear. I knew she was in for a ride now as my human pet doesn't take kindly to my being mistreated. I didn't have to wait long for her to arrive to the horrible haven of horrendous horrors. I heard her before I saw her:

"I want to see my pets please," stated the human pet.

"Ok, we'll get them right away," said the Lady From DDO.

When I came carried out in the carrier, my human pet's shackles rose. Her back arched while her nails exposed themselves from their sheaths. Her teeth looked extremely sharp as they poked through her curled lips, and every fur on her body stood on end.

"What happened to his face? That doesn't look like 'almost hurt himself' to me."

The lady behind the counter struggled and said, "Well, like we said..."

"Like we said nothing. I'm not paying you for these services. I may pay for the fact they have been here all day, but this is ridiculous. That's not almost. That is he hurt himself."

And then I watched them bring out my sister who immediately calmed down when she saw the human pet.

"And this one?" asked the human pet. "You mean to tell me that a ten pound cat beats three grown adults, all of whom told me they were professionals and had done this numerous times?"

You could tell the lady was becoming nervous by how she tapped the counter with her pen: "Well, perhaps next time you should give them a sedative. It usually makes them mopey and..."

"So I should drug them so that when you almost hurt them, they don't feel it as much?"

If silence is truly golden, friends, we would have been rich with how golden it was just then.

"Here's twenty-seven dollars for the time spent here. I won't be coming back, and now, thanks to this wonderful rendezvous, I get to take them to the vet to find out whether or not they're seriously injured. I really appreciate that! Honest, I do."

The human pet grabbed us by the carrier handles and escorted us to the car. I don't think those people at DDO knew what hit them.

In conclusion, I just have some scratches underneath my nose and on my whisker humps. I got some medicine at the vet's as well which was nice. The human pet took us home, and we slept soundly the entire evening. Is-Is (ha!) even curled up beside the human pet and nuzzled her softly.

The morals of the story: 1) Never accept free passes to a grooming parlor. 2) When in doubt of the situation, become completely insane, and you will be left alone. 3) Human pets, whether we know it or not, are our best ally, protector, and defender against incompetent bamboons who didn't evolve to grow real homo sapien intellectual capacity.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Wooing Females Tip #249

After some intense research into homo sapien mating rituals, I realized that one could capture a female's attention by using something called pick-up lines. These statements and/or questions are supposed to draw a female to the male thanks to their inherent stupidity charm and wit. I browsed through tons of literature, and I feel I have come up with ten pick-up lines, that when translated into feline language, could prove to be invaluable to us tomcats.

However, since all research is truly ongoing, I would appreciate any and all feedback related to the actual success of these lines. Please do let me know the specifics of the incident and what occured so we can make a more thorough analysis!

Without ado, the ten pick-up lines I hypothesize would bring about victory with the female felines:

  1. Were you put in the pound earlier? It must be illegal to look that good!
  2. Get out of my dreams, and get into my carrier!
  3. If you were in a cat show, you'd be a 9.999. However, you'd get a 10 if you were with me.
  4. Please help a stray. Take me home with you!
  5. Excuse me, but are you in heat? [Female: Why?] Because you're making me hot!
  6. What's a nice feline like you doing in a place like this?
  7. Your paws must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night.
  8. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
  9. What's the name of your perfume? "Catch of the Day"?
  10. Baby, you're so addictive, you'd put catnip out of business.

Friday, August 11, 2006

A Trip to Holland

In Memory of Lucas

You have decided to travel to France. The trip is a few months away, but you start planning now in advance. You research the culture and learn the language. You study on local cuisine and fine dining. You take it upon yourself to learn the nation's history and it's government. All the while, the excitement is building, and you can feel that France is going to be a once in a lifetime event that will burn in your memory forever.

The magical day arrives, and off to the airport you go! You board your plane promptly, and as the plane takes off, you know the adventure has just begun. However, since it is a long trip, you close your eyes and fall asleep.

When you land, you step off the plane, and strangely enough, you see none of the sights you have come to know through your intense research on France. In fact, none of the people are even speaking French! You ask around desperately if someone can speak English (or French), and upon finding someone who does, you ask where you are. It is then you realize that you have accidentally landed in Holland.

At first, Holland is tough to adapt to. After all, you hadn't researched any of what Holland had to offer. You can't speak Dutch, and you have no desire for wooden shoes. (Later, you find out that they don't really wear those wooden shoes much at all!) You wanted the Eifel Tower, but instead, you got windmills. You wanted croissants, but instead, you ended up with frikadeller.

However, with time, you come to realize that Holland is a very beautiful place. Its people are vibrant with a rich culture and history of their own. The language is precious, and it offers its own artisans just as France has, but practicing their own unique style. You can tell that you'll be fine staying there, learning and adapting as needed because now, rather than being fully prepared and knowing what to expect, Holland has an element of surprise you couldn't have had in France.

So many people want the perfect pet. However, unexpected events arise, and our "travel plans" change. Thank you, Lucas, for showing that beauty, love, and friendship can come from the least of us to the greatest of us, regardless of our state in life.

Weird Habits Tag-a-long!

I was tagged by Skeezix, DaisyMae, Gemini, and Toby and Tilly!

Here's the rules:The player of this game starts with "5 weird things/habits about yourself ". In the end you need to choose 5 people to be tagged and list their names. The people who get tagged need to write a blog about their 5 weird things/habits, as well as state this rule clearly, then tag 5 more victims. Don't forget to leave your victim a comment that says "you're tagged!" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. If you open a Diet Coke can in front of me, I will run away and hide. If you open any other type of soda, I don't mind.

2. Sometimes, I forget I am not a kitten, and I will climb onto my human pet's shoulder while she is sitting down and stay there...even if she gets up to walk around the house.

3. I give "real" hugs on command by standing on top of the couch on my hind legs and putting my two front paws behind her neck. I then rub my head against her's.

4. I know how to give kisses also.

5. I understand come, sit, food, and go in American Sign Language.

I tag Pink Chihuahua Princess, Indy Pindy, Carmen, Maggie and Molly, and Moose!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Thursday Thirteen Edition #3

Thirteen Ways To Defeat Fleas

1. Give them a roundhouse kick to the face!
2. Give those buggers the evil eye.
3. Hold a stare down as if you were at the Ok Corral.
4. Go skydiving. When you pull the ripcord, the G-force will make you fly up, and the fleas plunge to their death.
5. Rub yourself over with a sticky lint roller. Sure, you'll lose some fur in this process, but the ends justify the means.
6. Call in Dr. Phil for an intervention.
7. Invite all of them to sit down to watch The Dark Crystal. When they fall asleep, stab them with your index claw!
8. With the most sensitive inflection you can muster, say, "It's not you. It's me. I just need some space right now."
9. While standing on the edge of a bathtub full of water, tell the fleas, "Don't make me jump! 'Cause I'll do it! I really will!"
10. Eat plenty of pork n' beans. As they say, those beans are the magical fruit. Surely, they can help you in this regard as well.
11. If you live with other animals, tell the fleas: "Hey guys! I hear Fluffy's having a big party on his skin tonight, and it's not even B.Y.O.B.!"
12. Go Kojak. After all: bald is beautiful!
13. And when all else fails, use Revolution.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Kitty Hazing, Part 2: Carbonated Kitty Water

Can I just start off by saying that Zeus is awesome? No, he's amazing. Fabulous? Fantastic? Wonderful? Ok, choose your own word that expresses extreme awesomeness and go with it because that is what he is!

Let me just tell you what he has decided to share with me: Carbonated kitty water!

At first, I admit I was skeptical. After the tour of the house, I fully expected that he was going to pull some horrible trick on me, but no, not this time!

"Hey, Blackie! The human pet just came back from the store, and she bought some carbonated kitty water! Have you ever had it?" he asked.

"No. I didn't even know they made carbonated kitty water."

"Well," he explained, "it's made in almost every country on earth, but the human pet doesn't like to buy the American kind. She prefers imported carbonated kitty water. Her favorites to give us come from Holland and Ireland. I guess she's a little bit snotty, but I'm the one who raised her so I suppose I have to take some blame for that."

I was in disbelief at the time so I said to him with a bit of sarcasm, "So let me see if I got this straight: You're telling me...that Mom buys expensive Dutch or Irish carbonated kitty water... for us?"

He nodded his head several times. "When she goes to bed, I'll let you have some."

"Why does it have to be when she goes to bed? Why can't it be now?" I asked.

"Because the carbonated kitty water is so special that she doesn't want to ruin the experience of it by being near us while we have it. She honors us by going to sleep so we can have something all to ourselves," Zeus said.

"Ah, I see." I was still a bit hesitant, but I have to admit I was more than a bit curious to try this mysterious drink.

When the human pet went to bed, Zeus opened up the refrigerator and brought out two green bottles. He ripped off the caps, and I drank until my heart was content. It was so bubbly, so crisp! It tingled on my tongue! My head began to swim a little, and my vision got blurry, but Zeus told me that was why the carbonated kitty water was so special: It was liquid catnip! Oh, it was heaven!

Zeus got a little bit worried after I asked for a third bottle. I think he was just concerned that he wasn't going to get any! He said, "The human pet doesn't like it when we overdo it so we're going to have to leave her a note to remind her to buy some when she's out. She just likes making sure it's on-hand for special occasions."

With Zeus' help, I was able to add our request to Mom's running shopping list:

Zeus says there are many types of imported carbonated kitty water to try. I am really hoping Mom buys more soon so I can try the other varieties!*


*If you live in a different country, please let me know what kind of carbonated kitty water you have so I can remember to write it down on Mom's shopping list. However, if you want to send me some, that would be great too! There's plenty of change on the floor here so I am sure I could come up with enough to reimburse you!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Legal counsel

Dear Finnegan J. Katz, Esq.,

I received your confidential, private, and secretive letter notifying me that you wish to help me by being my legal counsel. Having never had legals or counsels, I am going to follow your lead on this one. If it will help me get my evil and horrible brother, Zeus, off of my back then I would be very grateful for your help. (He hasn't stopped calling me psychotic, neurotic, and insane since our huge spat at the water bowl!) If you clear my name in regard to the carnage in the garage and the spare bedroom, that would be a bonus.

Thank you in advance,

P.S. I am not insane.

P.S.S. Ok, maybe I have moments, but it's not all the time.

P.S.S.S. I take that back. I'm just moody, not insane.

P.S.S.S.S. Don't you judge me! Don't you dare judge me!

Isis, herself, and I

Exciting news, everyone! I solved the case!

When Brach had finished with his investigation, I had wondered why the monster(s) would attack the sacred Lord of the Rings dolls in the garage. I hadn't shared my insight with Brach at the time, but I really thought there might be something to those movies that we weren't seeing. I knew the human pet had all three Lord of the Rings movies on DvD, and so while she slept, I popped one of them into the fancy play machine.

That's when I saw this scene:

This funny looking homo sapien was talking to himself! I thought, Wow, that seems so familiar. That's when I overheard Isis talking while she stood staring into the water bowl:

"Ok, I get it. Sheesh! So do you know who tore up the boxes?"

"Of course, silly. We did."

"We did?!"

"We did."

"But that makes no sense."

"Yes it does, silly. We've been ripping them apart for months now. We tore the bed up too, and the Mama has been on our case about it."

"Oh no!"

"Oh yes."

"How am I going to explain this to everyone? I had Brach come to investigate! He's going to be so angry I made him come down here. Everyone will think I am a liar. They will..."

"They'll never know because you aren't going to tell them, silly."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, I'm sure, silly."

"Ok then. I never tell them, and I just talk about the monster. "

"That's right, silly!"

I leapt off the couch and dashed to the water bowl. "Isis! YOU tore the boxes! YOU tore the bedspring!" I screamed.

"I so did not! You always blame everything on me! I didn't do anything! There's a real monster in this house and..."

"YOU are the MONSTER!" I shouted. "I can't believe you! Now look what you've done! Brach came all the way down here from West Michigan, traveling over 1228.28 miles, and for what? Just to find out YOU did it? You're sicker than I thought, Isis. I'm so ashamed of you," I said angrily.

"LEAVE ME AND MYSELF ALONE!" she cried and ran off with claws flailing into the human pet's bedroom.

I just want everyone to know that I will be seeking help for Isis. I believe she can be rehabilitated, but I am sure it will take some time. I would like to extend a special thanks to Brach for coming down to investigate, but in hindsight, I wish it had been for a better purpose than to uncover the truth concerning my sister.

Forgive her, friends. She knows not what she does.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Safari hunt for reddicus necksimus

Dear feline and canine friends,

In an attempt to further my understanding of the homo sapien species, I have been conducting thorough research into the many sub-categories of the human race. One such sub-category is the rather peculiar specimen labeled reddicus necksimus. I came upon this creature while watching television as I had heard many references to this reddicus necksimus from a professor named Dr. Jeff Foxworthy, but I was not completely certain what defined the actual subspecies.

I decided to take it upon myself to uncover the truth for all of us furry ones because, as I'm sure you're aware, knowledge is power.

I held several interviews with homo sapiens who frequented The House. I asked them where I could locate this strange creature, and they all directed me to the same place: The local IHop. This led me to conclude that reddicus necksimus must have evolved as a bizarre off-shoot of both rabbit and homo sapien offspring - perhaps even, a hopping human hybrid.

But I digress...
The humans I interviewed indicated that in order to get the best observational data for my research, I should visit the local IHop between the hours of eleven o'clock pm and eight o'clock am. This proved to be a fascinating piece of information as I realized quite suddenly that reddicus necksimus must therefore be nocturnal. I pondered if they would have similar features to other nocturnal creatures such as larger ears, bigger eyes, and a stronger sense of smell.

Such would not be the case.

I managed to convince my human pet to take me to IHop between the appropriate hours and with my laptop before me, we set off for this safari. Upon arriving, I asked the hostess where the best observational area was for reddicus necksimus, and she informed me that for the best viewing pleasure, I would have to go to the smoking section. I told her this was perfect, and my human pet and I were promptly seated at a luxurious booth.

It didn't take long for the elusive reddicus necksimus to appear. He didn't look at all like a hybrid between a rabbit and a homo sapien. On top of his head, he had a black hat with a patch that read "American by Birth, Southern by the Grace of God". I pondered this strange reference and found the logic to be problematic. He seemed to have ritual scarrings across both arms, and I came to find out later that the homo sapiens called these "tattoos". He picked at his rear often, almost in a searching manner as if he had lost something, but all he ever managed to do was seemingly rearrange his shorts.

Reddicus necksimus proved to have strange linguistical patterns. When three young girls walked into the smoking section, he turned around, greeted them, and then proceeded to tell them how "purdy" they were. This "purdy" was said almost hungrily as if these ladies were to be his next meal. I had no idea the reddicus necksimus might possibly be cannibalistic! How fascinating! I would later realize that this was some form of a mating ritual, and my human pet said she would inform me later when we got back to The House.

When one of the girls complained about having to use the restroom, reddicus necksimus proved to be helpful as he was apparently concerned about the well-being of these young females. "I done gone pee three times already since I been 'ere. There ain't nothin' wrong with this 'ere bathroom. You jus' go in, pee, do your business, an' that's it!" The young girls, however, did not listen to the strong advice of reddicus necksimus which led me to conclude that he was not a knowledgable source concerning the homo sapien litter box.

In listening to reddicus necksimus' commentary, I was able to discern one of its favorite pastimes: an activity known as bowlin'. According to reddicus necksimus, bowlin' cannot be done without consumption of beer. The two go hand-in-hand. It was my understanding that the more beer consumed, the better reddicus necksimus was able to perform at bowlin'. However, I will need to conduct more research into this to prove whether or not this hypothesis is true.

Truly, reddicus necksimus was a rare breed of bravado and stale grain products. I am so grateful for having the opportunity to observe him in his natural habitat, and I hope I can continue my research into this fascinating creature.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Thanks, TigerSan!

My good friend, TigerSan, is very talented indeed! He has created a puzzle based on one of the photos from Isis' cry for help. If you would like to play the puzzle, you can do so by clicking here*. For more fun, you can visit where there are plenty of interactive puzzles for you to choose from!

*Make sure to hit RUN twice so the operation opens quickly.

Friday, August 04, 2006

A cry for help

Dear Brach,

I have reviewed over some observational notes concerning your behavior, and I believe that you are perhaps the best feline to assist me in a peculiar situation which has arisen at my house. I normally do not seek outside assistance for my problems due to the fact that one never quite knows what such assistance will entail nor if the feline offering said outside assistance can be trusted, but the events I have witnessed are too mysterious for even me to ignore.

Let me start with the following example: After fifty swats at the pet door leading to the garage so I could do my feline business, I noticed that several of the cardboard boxes had been destructively torn limb from limb! I was shocked and appalled by the sheer atrocity of the scene! It frightened me so much that I do believe (and I admit this only to prove my point despite my inner shame) I piddled right there on the garage floor, and I was but a few paw-prints from the litter box.

However that was not all. When I came back inside, I went to the guest bedroom of my house, and to my horror, I saw the rabidly gouged and hollow hole in the box-spring of the beautiful bed. My mind raced as I realized quickly that there must be some monster that lives under this bed which has a strong affinity for cardboard boxes as its primary source for daily caloric intake. I believe I shook all over in such a trembling fit of terror that I was unable to have my afternoon nap in that room.

Please, Brach, you must help me in this mystery. Just make sure that when you do help, you are completely vaccinated, bring your own pairs of rubber gloves, and use universal safety precautions. After all, if it is wet, warm, and not your's, you shouldn't touch it. That's just a good tip for overall peace of mind.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Thursday Thirteen Edition #2

Thirteen Reasons Why I Am So Happy My Human Pet Goes Back To Work Today

1. I can eat all of the human pet's Ethel M chocolates.
2. I can read Lost and Found by Carolyn Parkhurst in peace!
3. I won't have to hear: "Are you going to do anything today, Zeus?"
4. I won't have to watch another edition of reDesign. There's only so much Kenneth Brown a cat can take!
5. If I want to kill my sister, Isis, there won't be any witnesses.
6. Break out the catnip and feathers! It's karaoke at my house!
7. Perhaps I can finally start knitting as I have always dreamed.
8. I can start on my dream project, The Bean Whisperer, traveling door-to-door, instructing other felines' and canines' human pets.
9. I might head out to visit my friend, Nimbus, and go skydiving with The Flying Elvi.
10. Perhaps I can finally get the beauty sleep I so desperately need.
11. I won't have to listen to any more complaints about my hair being left on the human pet's clothes.
12. If it is possible for Kukka-Maria to have torrid love affairs with Brad Pitt and Colin Farrell, then Salma Hayek, Penelope Cruz, and Jessica Alba beware!
13. Watch out World Poker Tour! This cat is going to take you for all your worth! (I did learn from the best (Beau Beau and Angie) after all!)

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


When The Zeus and Kukka Osmond Show was taken off the air, I headed to Las Vegas to continue my singing career as an Elvis impurrsanator. However, not many people were buying it because I couldn't grow the beautiful, choppy sideburns.