Friday, January 26, 2007

Now accepting applications for new pet. See management for more details.

It was Wednesday night, 8:15 pm.

I was chillin' on my throne: Taking in all the sights and sounds of an empty house.

I don't know if you caught that so I'll say it again slowly.

Taking in

all the sights and sounds

of an EMPTY house.

I tried to remember if the pet had anything on her schedule, and I couldn't come up with any particularly good answer for why she had left me all alone. Granted, she had come home late on Monday evening, but there wasn't any cause for alarm. Once is not cause for worry...or suspicion...or paranoia.

She didn't have any meetings. She didn't have any parties. She didn't have any bars calling her name.

Two times in one week was simply just odd.

Why then was she not home?

8:30 pm.

I stretched languidly and looked around the house. Maybe she had come in while I was napping, and I just hadn't taken note of it yet. I checked the usual hot-spots: the kitchen, the bathroom, the den, and the bedroom. No sign of her anywhere. I returned to my throne to ponder the matter further.

8:33 pm.

I just didn't know what I had done to push her away. I had been trying to form a new habit of sleeping at her feet when she went to bed. I had been more than polite and understanding when she neglected to feed me on time. I had even kept her lap warm while she watched television. Hell, I was crafting a wonderful Thursday Thirteen in her honor. What more did this woman want?

8:40 pm.

It was all my fault. I had done something. I scratched her that one time she went for a sneak attack on my belly. She was probably mad at me for drawing blood. That had to be it. I hadn't meant to, but you just don't do that to felines! You don't just reach in with your grubby little hand and try to stroke my underside! Why couldn't she get that through her head?

8:45 pm.

I had to win her back! I decided to make an apology note. I nudged some markers off of the dining room table and pulled some paper out of a nearby notebook with my teeth. With my pet's taste for abstract art, she would surely be won over by the sincerity of my heartfelt apology, and she would come back to me.

8:50 pm.

The front door opened. The pet walked in carrying her black leather satchel, lunch tote, and purse.

8:51 pm.

"Where were you?" I cried, but she ignored me. She went to the dining room table, dropped her bags, and headed for the den.

I followed her.

8:52 pm.

I nudged her with my head and asked again: "Hey, where the hell were you?!"

"God, Zeus. Leave me alone. I just got back from class."


I headbutt her in her shin for good measure. I was so pissed!

"I mean it," she said. "Leave me alone. I'm tired as hell. Monday night, and now tonight. C'mon, just go lay down somewhere."

Not again! I thought we were over this foolishness! There's no need for her to become any smarter than me, and yet she persists in going.

Well, she'll see. I'm just going to have plans then on Monday and Wednesday nights. That'll show her. If she wants to see me, then she'll just have to come and find me. I'll show her what it's like to wait for someone all night long, worried sick, wondering if he's even dead.

Yeah, she'll be sorry. She'll come crawling right back to me, begging me to take her back.

And when she does, I might just be too busy for her.

As Beyonce says: I can have another you by tomorrow so don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' you're irreplaceable...



Anonymous said...

Wow, thats some serious accusations there. My Mommie always tells me to be careful of what I say, it might come true.

Dianne/Cos said...

I can so relate when my ma is gone for hours and hours. She acts like I wasn't even concerned-the heck with her!

Anonymous said...

I love your title, but I don't really think you mean it!

Anonymous said...

I wants to thank you for my super neat Secret Paws. Yes I'm late, Mom has been GONE FOR A SQUILLION PARSECTS and I just got to open it. Mom promises she will post pictures tomorrow of me enjoying the pressies. I ate the feffers off my toy alreay. It was great. I hauled it all over even though it was kinda heavy. ~Ko Ko

Carmen said...

Zeus, if the human pet doesn't go to class, she can't get a better future (with more money, hopefully) which means more treats for you, so hang in there during the hard times. ;)

Aloysius said...

I hate it when my humans go away without any explanation, too. That's why I always walk away and sulk after they've been gone. They get the message.

Anonymous said...

I was concerned Zeus. I definetly thought she was out shopping for your replacement

Anonymous said...

That is so....RUDE of her! I mean, you were worried about her, she could have been dead on the side of the road or something. Can she not use a telephone? Sigh...the People are SO disrespectful.


Anonymous said...

wow, when our momma comes home late she calls for us to come and get pets 'acause it puts her in a better mood. maybe your pet should try that. PET THE KITTY!!!

Cheysuli said...

I think Zeus, that you need to get rid of this one before you get a new pet. As for her class thing--don't you have something to do on Tuesdays and Thursdays?

Anonymous said...

Remember that you already have this pet trained. You don't want to start all over with a new pet do you?

Anonymous said... need to make her hit the pavement. Being your Human Pet is a priviledge.

Sounds like that skank has got her priorities all screwed up!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

A thoughtful Pet would have called, knowing you'd be concerned. My family usually lets tells me when they expect to be know, so I don't worry unnecessarily.


Derby said...

Poor Zeus that your human pet is ignoring you. Mum is good that the first thing in the door I get pets and scritches. No matter if she has been gone a long or short time. So, yeah, try ignoring her for a few nights. She will come crawling back for purrs.

Anonymous said...

OOOhhh, that's harsh! My Bubbles has a similiar mentality.

Jake and Bathsheba said...

And that's the thanks you get for writing such nice things about her! The nerve! Our mom comes home late a lot, but Dad is here most all the time, so he takes care of us. We CANNOT be ignored.


local girl said...

I think you just missed her. I knew you loved your Human Pet.

Anonymous said...

Oh Zeus! Neglect is an awful thing. But have you considered that your human pet needs your understanding? She obviously feels she must match your intellect and education. As a fellow student who also works full time I just know that your human pet is tired and so needs all the furry support you can muster! :-)

Anonymous said...

Humans can be so rude sometimes.My mom does this samething it makes me so mad.Perhaps some vomit on her pillow will make her see things your way.

sage said...

Zeus, you can come and hang out some at my house. My dog's getting lazy laying around these winter days and could use a bit of exercise!

Funny post.

Karen Jo said...

I'm sorry that your human pet left you alone for so long and then didn't want to pay attention to you. I don't think you should trade her in for a new one though. She's just trying to become as educated as you are.

Fat Eric said...

Ohhh...Zeus, I feel for you. I mean, sometimes my humans leave me alone and don't come home at exactly the right time. But at least they make a fuss of me when they get back. I find the best way to ensure this is to lie in the doorway of the living room or the kitchen, then they just can't ignore you! I usually lie on my back waving my paws in the air and looking plaintive but you may find that a little undignified, I don't know...
Fat Eric

Dachsies Rule said...


You most definitely need a new pet! But there have been some good points brought up. You have spent a lot of time training this one and a new one could be worse. And that class thing ... perhaps she would really rather be with you but can't show it so you won't be too concerned. But you never need to worry that she might become smarter ... they are only human, remember?

Roxie, Sammy & Andy

caspersmom said...

Ah Zeus, you sound so neglected. I'm sure she gave you pets and scritches over the weekend and then you can't play hard to get. Just remember at least you are not outside waiting for her, you are in a nice warm house. Some times it's hard on moms too. I know what the sights and sounds are of a quiet house too. Sometimes it's nice. Take care Zeus and don't be too hard on your Mom.