Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Apparently, according to the CDC, 86,000 people are injured every year in falls related to their pets.
And here, I thought I was above being a statistic.
Now, with a little puppy running around, it's even more obvious that this house is statistic-bound. The human pet has fallen in the backyard at least three times now when she has taken the little war god out for his bathroom break. He runs full speed at her, weaving in and out of her legs, and when she is not looking, he lunges for her ankles. Canine and homo sapien become a tangled mess of slobbering, panting, rolling, and let's not forget, cussing.
Maybe we pets could make some sort of X-games sport out of this. I see potential.
Have you given your human pet a good trip lately? I would love to hear about it. Leave it in the comments today, and let's swap details.
Monday, April 27, 2009
What disturbs me is this photo the human pet took while Ares visited with his new woman. When you enter Dr. Rodriguez's office, it's tradition to have all of the animals that are coming in for the day to be listed on the welcome sign. I've circled Ares' name in green. Please note the name circled in blue.
WHO IS THIS ZEUS IMPOSTER?!
To the fake Zeus, I can only say that I am now officially on the hunt for you. I will find you, and when I do, I will go Christopher Lambert style upon you for I am Zeus MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod. I was born in 1518 in the village of Glenfinnan on the shores of Loch Shiel. And I am immortal.
Friday, April 24, 2009
"I cannot walk past her! She will inhale me into her gaping nostrils of death!"
"I knew I should have never left the caves!"
The fleas that marched behind Harbali seemed restless, agitated, and overall, completely useless. Yes, they were moving forward, but the presence of the long and lean silver infidel had struck a chord of fear into their tiny hearts.
Harbali turned around and faced his nervous brethren, raising his feelers into the air: "The silver infidel is not as wise as the golden one. Look how she sleeps while death approaches. She is clueless!"
From the front, one of the fleas cried, "Perhaps she sleeps as a mere ploy! It is folly to underestimate one's enemy!"
There were murmurings of agreement to this statement, but Harbali waved them away, saying, "I have never known the infidels to 'fake' sleep. They spend nearly 15 to 16 hours of Flallah's day sleeping. If they're 'faking', then they certainly have very pathetic lives to engage in such nonsense."
The throng of fleas all nodded their heads to Harbali's logic:
"He's right - that would be pathetic!"
"Why did we ever doubt him?"
"So much sleep seems so peaceful!"
Harbali could not believe how his brothers were behaving. It was almost as if they thought he were leading them on some sort of field trip. He waved his feelers into the air once more, crying, "Brothers, silence! How can we have a proper jihad if everyone is talking and carrying on?"
The crowd suddenly became quite still, practically frozen. Harbali leaned back and smiled to himself. He was indeed a leader to manage such an unruly group of soldiers. Beaming with pride, he turned around to begin the march when, to his surprise, a pair of golden eyes, a pink, wet nose, and a twitching mouth stood but inches from his body.
"Oh Flallah, have mercy," he whispered.
The silver infidel sat back on her haunches and said casually, "Who's Flallah?"
Harbali, unable to stop the thundering beats of his tiny, miniscule heart, fainted.
Turning to the quivering mass behind the fallen body, the silver infidel said, "Um, I think he might need some help over here."
Whispers and hushed words coagulated in the air while Isis sat still, observing. Finally, a few members of the congregation crept forward and quickly pulled the tiny flea's body back into the safety of the crowd. Isis nodded and then turned to make her way back into the house when cries sprang up behind her:
"Wait! Silver infidel! Wait!"
Isis did not turn around for she absolutely had no clue what an infidel was or that she happened to be one. She had figured out the mystery of the garage, and all she cared about was reporting back to her impatient brother. She passed through the pet door silently, leaving the teeming crowd speechless.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Yes, it's Earth Day, my friends!
Our planet is so spectacular, it's the only one in the solar system with its own holiday!
(Slightly unknown fact: Uranus Day was considered, but the constant snickering of immature homo sapiens was deafening.)
It might be a human's planet, but we all have to live here.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Are you ever planning to complete your Flea story? Would love to hear the resolution.
I know my departure from the blogging world put a damper on my story, Flea Games. I definitely have been thinking about it, and now, it seems I may actually have time to finish it. You see, the human pet has been working on several end-of-the-year projects for her final class, and as a result, her work has cut into my computer time. I swear she only ever thinks of herself!
For those of you who may not know about Flea Games, you can catch up by reading the following chapters:
- Chapter One
- Chapter Two
- Chapter Three
- Chapter Four
- Chapter Five
- Chapter Six
- Chapter Seven
- Chapter Eight
- Chapter Nine
- Chapter Ten
- Chapter Eleven
- Chapter Twelve
Do you have a question for Zeus? Click on the email logo and send it in! Your question will be featured in an upcoming blog post.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Well, as it just so happens, Bakerella has done it again by designing cupcake pops for a cure. If you're not familiar with how to make the pops, you can find the general directions here. She's also designed cake pops for a multitude of other occasions, but my personal favorite has to be her Hello Kitty pops, though to be honest, it slightly concerns me that I enjoy biting off warm, cakey kitten head goodness.
Cancer won't know what hit it when it gets popped by these cupcakes!
Good work, Bakerella, in helping fight cancer! I'll be sure to get started right away on baking some of those delicious pops...just as soon as I figure out how to do it without opposable thumbs.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I wasn't sure if you had seen the following headline. Do you have any thoughts about it?
Neeson to star as Zeus in `Clash of the Titans'
Thank you for following along on the blog! When I found your letter in my email, it reminded me of my experience in Blogathon 2007 where felines, canines, and homo sapiens all around the world sent in their questions to help me make it through 24 hours of nonstop blogging. Those were good times.
I have to say that I don't normally follow entertainment news. I'm more of a casual news watcher at best, and for the most part, I rely on incidental learning, i.e. overhearing it when other homo sapiens are milling about in the house. To find out that Quigon was going to represent me came as quite a shock to say the least.
You see, this issue has come up before, and I thought I had pretty much secured my three top picks should anyone ever have felt the need to make a movie about my life. Considering the depth required for this role, it seemed only right that Sir Anthony Hopkins play me since Sean Bean has been nothing but disastrous (The Hitcher makes me cry for him.), and Adrian Brody has dipped silently off the radar. No one asked me what I thought of Liam Neeson!
Even though no one sought my approval or cared what I thought (which seems to be a common trend for some reason), I still will give my feline blessing to Mr. Neeson. How could I push away the man who won my heart in Love Actually, kicked my ass in Batman Begins, or rescued my daughter from terrorists in France in Taken? He is simply perfect.
Have a question for Zeus? Click on the email logo in the sidebar, and send it!
Monday, April 13, 2009
The human pet took the raggedy one to Dr. Rodriguez's office on Saturday morning. Apparently, she needed to have him examined within one week of purchase in order for everything to be "valid". The pet may have been nervous, but clearly, she had nothing to fear. When they got to the hospital, he was treated like a rockstar by every staff member!
"Oh my goodness, Ares, you're so precious!"
"Ares! Oh baby! You cute little thing you! Oh, I bet your mama loves you very much!"
"Kathy, take Ares back so everyone can see how beautiful this baby boy is! You'll love our staff, Ares!"
Was there a reason they talked to him directly? It's not like he understood what was happening. He doesn't even know his own name! And what's with the motherese when they spoke to the puppy? The goo-goo gah-gah, smacking of the lips, and blowing bubbles in his face was slightly concerning. I was half expecting a pacifier to come out and adoringly slapped into his gummy little mouth.
To the ladies at Dr. Rodriguez's office, I hate to break it to you, but Ares is a canine - not a human baby.
Dr. Rodriguez was not working this past Saturday, but she made a special trip to visit the vermin. She has never done that for me. In fact, no one has ever given me that kind of reception when I come through the door. It's mostly speaking of me in third person as if I'm too dumb to understand, accompanied by assorted 'pet names' that I personally find insulting.
"Is that Mr. Kitty? He's so big!"
"Do we have Mr. Zeus in there? I'll check him in for you, Ms. Sabatini."
"Is Mr. Snookums feeling alright? Do you think Mr. Snookums would like some belly rubs?"
Note to homo sapiens everywhere: Putting Mr. in front of something doesn't make it alright. I think we can all agree that if I called you Mr. Fat-in-the-Rear, Mr. I'm-Too-Lazy-To-Even-Reach-For-The-Remote, or Mr. Good-For-Nothing-Freeloader, you'd find it pretty annoying and irritating. Guess what? We felines do too!
I would like to be spoken to directly the next time I go to see Dr. Rodriguez. I normally wouldn't stoop to this level, but in an effort to seek equal feline rights, I plan on doing what I call a "Dateline Trap". Most people are familiar with Dateline NBC and how they hold undercover sting investigations to reveal the truth. Well, this is no different.
I'm going undercover all right:
When I reveal the truth of this to the masses, they will have no choice but to change their biased, felinism ways. Just as human females fought for the right to vote, minorities fought to earn better jobs and pay, and people everywhere fought for the television series, Firefly, to have its own movie (Serenity), I too will fight for my right to be addressed directly and not in third person.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
I did manage to get one picture of the guinea pig. Zeus keeps ranting on and on that its a puppy, but I think he must have a streak of paranoia in him. (Of course, I would be one to know so I feel confident in stating this.) I think he just creates these scenarios so he has something to write about, similar to The National Enquirer.
Great read, by the way.
There are several reasons this is not a puppy. The rodent is not big enough to be a puppy. He chirps like a mouse! His eyes are bulbous and always darting to and fro. Only guinea pigs have eyes that are too big for their heads. Oh, did I also mention he has no tail? Everyone knows that's a staple for puppies so clearly, this is not a canine.
And since it is a guinea pig, if it gets out of control, I'll eat him. He does look pretty tasty. Those hind quarters are packed with meat. I know quality when I see it.
I am providing the following picture as my evidence. You would think that with a scientific brother like Zeus that he would have figured this out before me, but this just goes to show how you can be completely book smart but not street smart. He needs to get over himself.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
You are a traitor.
I thought we had agreed that we would make the human pet miserable, force her to her knees, bring nothing but sadness when this holy terror arrived. We had done so well too. As soon as she had arrived, our hisses in unison made her cry. (Forget the fact that she had been tired, hungry, and worn out from the day. I know it was us!)
The human pet knew from that initial moment that we would not take this laying down. I have done nothing but ignore her. If she walks into a room, I leave. If she offers me food, I will not eat. If she decides to come near me to pet me, I do not purr. I have been a solid rock of protest, and my antagonizations were nearing our goal.
But no, Isis, you had to break down and become a mother.
What has gotten into you?
Just because you cannot reproduce doesn't mean you decide to have some sort of instinct to take care of this raggedy-ass floppy mess!
Everything was going fine until you decided to walk into the bedroom and jump onto the bed with the human pet. You laid down next to her as she cradled the snotnosed punk in our sleeping spots and observed him. You even purred! Now, she believes there's hope, and you know why?
YOU! You have given her hope. You have fed her idea that this will somehow all work out. Have you learned nothing from me? Hope is dangerous to give humans because once they have it, they will not deter from it. They will always believe anything is possible, and now, because of you, she has hope that we will all get along with the tiny pooper.
It's bad enough I was betrayed by my own pet, but to be betrayed by my own sister is too much. I am seriously considering leaving this house as I can see I am only an outsider in my own domain. The next time you see me in the hallway, just keep on walking.
You are dead to me.
P.S. If you grab the camera and take photos of him, I promise you - you will be double dead to me. I want no record of his existence. I will erase him from this Earth. Don't even think about it.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Monday, April 06, 2009
She grabbed some bottled water, granola bars, fruit, and sandwiches and placed them into a medium-sized tote. She reviewed over her directions, checking them twice. I knew just by looking at her that she was becoming nervous, but I didn't really have any sympathy for her.
Yesterday, she bought me catnip buds, a new feather wand, and a new scratching post. She even secured new food bowls for both Isis and I so we wouldn't need to share food anymore. I simply was not fooled. I knew it was only a mere ploy to try to get Isis and I happy, to win our hearts over to her evil ways.
I hope you get lost on the way to that puppy, human pet. I hope you never find him. I hope your TomTom lies to you. I hope you turn around in frustration. I hope you cry.
I hope a lot of things, but mostly, I'm hoping you don't bring him back here.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Friday, April 03, 2009
1) My human pet cannot dance.
She likes to think she can, but more often than not, I would compare her skill to Elaine's masterpiece from Seinfeld. My pet likes to hoot and hollar just like Elaine. She claps and throws her hands into the air as well. The only thing separating the two is my pet's dances are not so choppy and erratic.
Let's study another point:
2) My human pet will dance over anything.
She got a mocha latte for free at the local coffee house. Incoming dance. She received her biweekly check for doing her job. Incoming dance. She busted out a beat subconsciously, realized it, and now, must make sure it was not in vain. Incoming dance.
Hold those thoughts. (Feel free to take me literally and print this post out. I'll wait.)
Let me take you to last night. I am sitting next to the human pet as she plays on PokerStars. I am softly washing away the grime of the day, content in the quiet of our den. She is fixated on the glowing screen, clicking the words 'Fold', 'Check', 'Raise', and 'Call' with precision. She occasionally lets out a grunt or two, but she's focused, clearly poised to make a move.
And then it happens...
I call that the I've-got-pocket-Kings-and-you-don't-know groove. Oh, you haven't heard of that one before? I'm not surprised. I suppose then it's safe to assume you also don't know of the I-just-won-more-than-500-chips slide or the elusive I-can't-believe-I-went-all-in-on-a-weak-Ace jig.
Dear God in heaven, hear my prayer. Make the bad pet stop.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
No pressure, human pet!
Just think of how Isis and I (Who cares about the puppy?) will starve to death if you can't pass this test. That should be more than enough inspiration to get you the grade you need. If, for some reason, you don't succeed, don't expect me to be here when you come home.
Leaving on a jet plane. Don't know when I'll be back again...
Sorry. That ditty just broke loose from me
No pressure though! Absolutely none! Just chillax!
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
I want to thank long time friend and supporter of the blog, MacVet's Pets for passing onto me this great award for outstanding creativity. I certainly hope I can live up this award's implications. Bet you wish you earned this one, Francesca and Sharkey!
As for who these awards should go to next? Hmm. I believe I will let you tell me where to bestow them. Have a suggestion? Leave it in the comments today so I can get to know the blogosphere a bit better.