A Zeusline Investigation: Bow-wow vs. Meow

The human pet took the raggedy one to Dr. Rodriguez's office on Saturday morning. Apparently, she needed to have him examined within one week of purchase in order for everything to be "valid". The pet may have been nervous, but clearly, she had nothing to fear. When they got to the hospital, he was treated like a rockstar by every staff member!

"Oh my goodness, Ares, you're so precious!"

"Ares! Oh baby! You cute little thing you! Oh, I bet your mama loves you very much!"

"Kathy, take Ares back so everyone can see how beautiful this baby boy is! You'll love our staff, Ares!"

Was there a reason they talked to him directly? It's not like he understood what was happening. He doesn't even know his own name! And what's with the motherese when they spoke to the puppy? The goo-goo gah-gah, smacking of the lips, and blowing bubbles in his face was slightly concerning. I was half expecting a pacifier to come out and adoringly slapped into his gummy little mouth.

To the ladies at Dr. Rodriguez's office, I hate to break it to you, but Ares is a canine - not a human baby.

Dr. Rodriguez was not working this past Saturday, but she made a special trip to visit the vermin. She has never done that for me. In fact, no one has ever given me that kind of reception when I come through the door. It's mostly speaking of me in third person as if I'm too dumb to understand, accompanied by assorted 'pet names' that I personally find insulting.

"Is that Mr. Kitty? He's so big!"

"Do we have Mr. Zeus in there? I'll check him in for you, Ms. Sabatini."

"Is Mr. Snookums feeling alright? Do you think Mr. Snookums would like some belly rubs?"

Note to homo sapiens everywhere: Putting Mr. in front of something doesn't make it alright. I think we can all agree that if I called you Mr. Fat-in-the-Rear, Mr. I'm-Too-Lazy-To-Even-Reach-For-The-Remote, or Mr. Good-For-Nothing-Freeloader, you'd find it pretty annoying and irritating. Guess what? We felines do too!

I would like to be spoken to directly the next time I go to see Dr. Rodriguez. I normally wouldn't stoop to this level, but in an effort to seek equal feline rights, I plan on doing what I call a "Dateline Trap". Most people are familiar with Dateline NBC and how they hold undercover sting investigations to reveal the truth. Well, this is no different.

I'm going undercover all right:

When I reveal the truth of this to the masses, they will have no choice but to change their biased, felinism ways. Just as human females fought for the right to vote, minorities fought to earn better jobs and pay, and people everywhere fought for the television series, Firefly, to have its own movie (Serenity), I too will fight for my right to be addressed directly and not in third person.