Saturday, April 29, 2006
Lately, my human pet has been studying a lot for a test called G-R-E. It seems like it is going to be a tough test as the pet has listened and studied various words and worked on many mathematical problems.
Of course, being so brilliant, I decided to help her by sharing my knowledge!
I decided to use familiar objects to review basic mathematical concepts with her. I believe this will be successful since visual clues typically jog her memory. For example, while she was reviewing fractions, I developed the following problem for her:
Who wouldn't remember how to perform operations with fractions while having tuna as an aid?!
Brilliant, I say!
Excuse me for now, though, friends, as that tuna looks too tasty to ignore!
Friday, April 28, 2006
Azrael was kind enough to do a telephone interview with me. I have typed out the transcript verbatim:
Zeus: I just wanted to say thank you for speaking with me today, Azrael. This is a real honor!
Azrael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been quite a long time since anyone cared to do an interview with me so I'm hoping this can jumpstart my career.
Zeus: So does this mean you have something in the works?
Azrael: Do you know anything about cars?
Zeus: A little.
Azrael: When the car needs a jumpstart, it's dead so I suppose the answer to your question is no.
Zeus: Oh...I'm sorry. Umm...
Azrael: Do you have any more questions?
Zeus: Well, yes. I was wondering what it was like to work with the homo sapien, Gargomel?
Azrael: Well, for one, his one tooth was disgusting. I couldn't understand anything he said to me. We actually had to have someone come in and do a voiceover for him because he had the look, but well, he just couldn't talk fluently.
Zeus: Amazing! I never knew that!
Azrael: Yes, it was just a shame. Talented man, but no teeth. It happens to the best of us.
Zeus: Have you seen this report written by J Marc Schmidt entitled Socio-political Themes in the Smurfs by chance?
Azrael: I can't say that I have.
Zeus: In it, you are described as being the representation of the worker in a ruthless free-market state. Basically, that through your character, you demonstrated exploitation and oppression of the proletariat. Any thoughts on this?
Azrael: Yeah. I can definitely say I was exploited. I didn't make near as much as Papa Smurf, and I don't care what anyone says: That man was NOT sexy. I had way more sex-appeal than him.
Azrael: And as for being oppressed? Well, that's no shocker. Half the time the producers insisted on giving me a carrier for a dressing room instead of a trailer like everyone else. The Smurfs and Gargomel got catering while I was left with a bowl of Meow Mix. Whatta crock!
Zeus: Well, that isn't exactly -
Azrael: And all of those Smurfs were against me from the beginning. They didn't like it that Smurfette and I were becoming close, and it was Hefty Smurf that turned her against me. Oh how I hate that blithering idiot! He's such a -
Zeus: Ok, well, I think that's it! I really appreciate you talking to me for my weblog.
Azrael: Yeah, yeah. What's your name again?
Azrael: Talk to you later, Moose. Oh, and Moose?
Zeus: It's Zeus.
Azrael: Yeah, whatever. Listen: Give my number to that Kukka-Maria chick, would you? She's so hot.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
My training has led me to studying the chakras. In humans, the chakras are represented as seven distinct centers which focus on different attributes. Here they are in order:
Red: Physical identity
Orange: Emotional identity
Yellow: Ego identity
Green: Social identity
Blue: Creative identity
Violet: Intuitive identity
Purple: Universal identity
Now, even though I don't understand all of the homo sapien identities or see these centers on my human pet, I did find it extraordinary that I came across this picture:
Apparently, felines have it too! I don't know how to locate them, but rumor has it that by opening up these pathways, I can channel great power. With this newfound strength, I can possibly hold off on my weight training and still manage to suppress my sumo opponents!
For felines, the chakras are:Red: Litter identity
Orange: Agility identity
Yellow: Food identity
Green: Love identity
Blue: Purr identity
Violet: Sniff identity
Purple: Headbutt identity
Did you know that the reason why I have allergies is because my red chakra is deficient? You can find out more about why you might be sick by reading this chart!
Until the next time, friends! I'm opening my chakras as we speak.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Interviewer: Zeus, we noticed this book in your training bag. Any significance?
Zeus: Yes, Human Pet. I have been reading On Tai Chi Chuan in order to better harmonize my chi. I find that once my chi are in perfect balance, my workouts are much more effective. I also sleep better which is an added bonus.
Interviewer: Wow! That is one huge food bowl, Zeus!
Zeus: Yes. I have been attempting to pack on the pounds so I can better handle my opponents.
Interviewer: How many times do you eat like this?
Zeus: I eat about five to six times a day like this.
Interviewer: FIVE to SIX times A DAY?!?!
Zeus: Right now, I am a sleek 14 lbs, but in order to be truly competitive, I should be 22-25 lbs. It's going to take a lot of tuna, chicken, and sardines, Human Pet.
In other news, Isis still refuses to train for Tub Soccer. Will she or will she not decide to get in the rink this year? Will she get over her paranoia that the sponges are attacking her? This interviewer will keep you informed as to the latest developments in this ongoing story.
According to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, a woman and her daughter abandoned at least twelve cats, two ferrets, and three dogs (one dead) in their rented trailer in rural East Huntingdon. It's suspected that some animals might be lingering about in the woods of the property so the actual number may be more.
Upon reading the article, I thought about this statement:
Ms. Bricker said a conviction for animal abandonment can carry a fine of up to $750 and 90 days in jail for each count.
Is this severe enough? According to Gorilla Dogs, it is a state jail felony in Texas that is punishable by a minimum of 180 days and a maximum of 2 years. There can also be a fine of $10,000. However, this law only applies to those animals which live in homes. It doesn't extend to animals released on highway roads or in farm fields. That action, which is only considered a Class A misdemeanor is hard to prosecute as someone must "witness" the crime and then have sufficient proof to bring charges.
What do you consider fair for those people who decide to leave their animals behind?
Bringing you things to think about,
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
It's rare that I address my letters to only one side of my beloved friendship tree, but today, as I have been inspired by both Scooby (Beans Training 101) and The Empress Kukka-Maria (Open Letter to My Mother--I'm Tired of Training You), I decided to share my personal experiences with training my beloved homo sapien.
This is my homo sapien pet. That picture was taken while she was at The Work. My human is what some might call a Teacher, and she teaches little homo sapiens who cannot hear. My human pet can be difficult at times as she will not always readily respond to my attempts to communicate with her, and it's times like those that make me wonder if she is like her pupils.
I have noted that when working with the human pet, it is best to follow a tried and true schematic: The Scientific Method. Now, feline friends, if you're not familiar with this, I'll go through it step-by-step and provide you with examples so that you can try it at home with your own pet.
Step 1: Observation and description of the phenomenon: What is it you wish to set about accomplishing? Do you want more food? Do you want to go to The City of Outside? Do you long for a relaxing belly rub? Consider the environment and different factors that might influence your human pet to not succumb to your will. Such factors might include (but are certainly not limited to): the flashy-loud box (in homo sapien, television), the humanip (P-L-A-Y-S-T-A-T-I-O-N), the speak-into-bone (telephone), or even the flashy-type-type box (computer). Note all these factors so you can account for them in the next step.
Step 2: Form a hypothesis: After figuring out all of the factors that may be prohibiting you from reaching your goal with your human pet, then make what the homo sapiens call "a hypothesis". Basically, take a guess at what you think you could do to change the behavior. Let's look at a situation that happened to me the other day as an example. I was extremely hungry, and it was 6:00 a.m. My human pet had let my food bowl become empty. I "hypothesized" that my human pet not only needed a wake-up call but also a reminder to go make my breakfast on time. Both the wake-up call and the reminder would take the form of a swift jump on the head followed by smothering of the face with my tummy, otherwise known as "Cover and Smother". This led to...
Step 3: Use hypothesis to predict new observations: With this hypothesis in mind, I predicted that "Cover and Smother" would get the human up and into the kitchen to fill my bowl. The only thing left to do was...
Step 4: Perform experimental tests of the predictions: I jumped on top of the bed and belly-flopped right on my human pet's face. She began to spat and wave at me, but I kept the motor running and pressed my tummy down harder on her face. She would only be left with two choices: Continue wearing me as a face-mask, or get up to fill the food bowl. In the end, I was triumphant, and the food was prepared on time according to my specifications.
This process takes some practice, but with enough time, any feline can become skilled at this. In time, everything you ever wanted from a refreshing spa-like litter box to bottled water with a spritz of lemon can be (and should be!) your's!
In response to your malicious, immature, and otherwise, degenerative behavior, you leave me no choice but to remove your access to this weblog. I want there to be no misunderstanding: I am not dismissing you due to your photographic attempts at insult, but because you simply wish to try your paw at slandering me. Even though I know you will not succeed in this regard, I do not wish to further encourage your ruthless wagging of the tongue.
In the words of Will from Good Will Hunting, "How you like them apples?"
Monday, April 24, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
9. He rolls over on his back, and people think it's cute. I could roll over on mine, but then that requires effort.
8. How is fat cute and cuddly?
7. He may think I'm his bath slave, but if I didn't bathe him, he would never do it himself. This is my way of giving back to the community.
6. He's so fat I can't get to the food bowl. Are you sure he's not a ginger pot-belly pig? It's possible, you know.
5. Whenever I get to snuggle with the Mama on the bed, he jumps on the comforter and knocks me off. Do I sense jealousy?
4. Whenever Mama calls me, his name suddenly becomes "Isis". I'm sorry, but there can be only one.
3. Zeus is the only cat I know that chases his own tail, and when he does catch it, he bites down on it and welps. How stupid can you be?
2. Have I mentioned his Buddha Belly? No one wants to see that.
1. He didn't have to get anally expressed!!! (Maybe if he had, he could have dropped a few pounds. Chunky butt!)
Most pet owners would agree that playing with your homo sapien is important. We cats have our fancies: feathers, yarn, cardboard boxes, or even those little toy mice for batting practice, but these may not interest your human pet. Sometimes, you have to be involved in what your homo sapien finds fascinating so the two of you can have some quality time.
How should you best get involved? Take for instance the following situation I found myself in yesterday afternoon. My human pet was seeming a bit mellow and lax. She went into her den and began playing some humanip. Her humanip of choice for the day was Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones.
Now, feline friends, I don't know anything about humanip, but I do know my homo sapien pet loves it. I decided I would try to join in on her fun time. First I sat by her and watched the television as she moved this falsified homo sapien along the colorful screen. She smiled at me which meant she approved of my interaction.
I decided to kick it up a notch by then pressing some of the buttons on the Black Button Box. ("X" and "O" are my personal favorites!) The homo sapien pet responded by playing with me: She bat at my paws, and I at her's! I nibbled on her hand, and she tugged at my ears. It's always fun to wrestle with your human pet, I must say!
Then I just decided I would play some of the game myself. I moved onto the human pet's lap and took over the Black Button Box. I had a hard time moving the falsified homo sapien on the colorful screen, but I don't think my human pet minded. She made lots of cooing noises, said my name a lot, and then kept trying to grab the Box back.
That's how memories are made right there, feline friends. Ah, what joy!
So the next time your homo sapien decides to do something that you may not find appealing (and we all know there's plenty of that at times!), try getting involved and enjoy some human activities! You never know: you just may like it!
Saturday, April 22, 2006
I know yesterday when you came home, you were deep in thought. You seemed quite down to me, and I was not sure what was wrong. I overheard you talking about your human father and how you found out he was sick. You said something about 'deep', 'vain', 'trom', 'beau', and 'isis', and I became confused since I wasn't sure how Isis and your human father could possibly be interacting when I have never seen your human father.
I want you to know that if Isis has done something to your human father, I can definitely make her pay. Just say the word, human pet, and consider it done.
All I know is that I am here for you however you may need me. I will sit on your lap, let my motor run, and look deep into your eyes to let you know that you are loved:
Even though your father is in the Town of Far Away, I am sure you will see him soon. So get your chin up, and don't worry! Things will be ok...well, as long as Isis is not involved.
Isis: We have a perpetrator on the loose, Sir!
Zeus: Good. He can run, but he can't hide.
Isis: What do you suggest we do, Sir?
Zeus: I'm going to make him wish he never entered this house.
Isis: Don't you think that's a bit extreme, Sir?
Zeus: Extreme? Extreme is my middle name.
Friday, April 21, 2006
I was merely sipping on my morning water and nibbling on some Purina Cat Chow when I came across this strange article by Will Cohu concerning his review on the book, The Character of Cats. It started out with the typical ramblings as most reviews do, and I was about to click away until I saw:
Personally, I believe cats are aliens that arrived on Earth about the same time that colonists from Mars founded the civilisation of ancient Egypt. There are some otherworldly things about cats: they have no collarbone, and - uniquely among quadrupeds - glide rather than walk, using both feet on each side of the body alternately. Cats are also bent on the rapid elimination of other earthbound species; domestic and feral cats kill a billion birds a year in America.
I raised one eyebrow and pondered this paragraph intently. He surely could not be serious. Then I read the whole thing again, and looking at his word choice more closely, I decided that he was indeed serious. Surely, there were not other homo sapiens out there who believed this innane load of codswallop, but would you believe there are?
Apparently, this website written by someone named Clyde delves into different hypotheses on cats and their (supposed) connection to space aliens. He even goes so far as to show how we evolved from space aliens in order to blend in with our current environment.
Proof: Most cats are either affectionate or frightened. This cat pretends to be frightened when I walk by. But rather than dashing and hiding, as any actual frightened cat would do, it saunters off about two feet, half-heartedly cowers under a tree, and watches with malevolent green eyes.
Maybe the cat simply did not wish to be in your way, Ms. Bond, and was being polite. Perhaps your pet clothes did not match that day, and the feline noticed and stared as you walked by because it was in shock. Maybe the cat really was frightened!
Then how could I not include this "documented proof" that all felines are aliens:
I don't know about you, feline friends, but when I use the litter box, all I want to do is get in and get out. I want my claws cleaned immediately, and I have no desire to sit there fiddling with the grains of litter until they create immaculate designs! The reason why I have no desire is because it's my bathroom! I don't play with poo!
Homo sapiens, lend me your ears! This may or may not come as a surprise to you, but...
FELINES ARE NOT ALIENS!
Thursday, April 20, 2006
I cannot believe I was tagged by Victor, and we do not mean with the microchip inserted underneath the skin of the nape of the neck! There has been a post flittering around the cat blogging community started by the infamous Derby in which fellow felines had to state their five most precious words for items, people, places, etc.
So since I am new to the blogging feline community, I had Isis do a little research for me:
Clearly, she didn't know how to read since she went to the shelf with the humanip. And that's when it hit me!
Humanip [hyu-mi-nip] noun, Etymology: Combination of the Middle English humain with the Middle English nippen: Def. These boxes with some shiny circular object inside them which are stuck into a slim black box that has "P-L-A-Y-S-T-A-T-I-O-N" on it. Humanip entertains the homo sapiens for hours and hours on end.
So I came up with one word. I felt pleased. Four more to go.
Then I saw my human pet use the litter-bowl, and I thought to myself, "Yureka!"
Litter-bowl [li-t&r-bOl] noun,Etymology: Middle English to Middle French litiere combined with Middle English bolle: Def. The white porcelain god that homo sapiens worship as much as we do our own litter boxes. It is typically filled with water that swirls around when a special metal handle is pulled. You left the seat to the litter-bowl up again!
I was on a roll now! Surely, I could find three more! I decided to stretch out so I could think of more words:
And sure as my fur is golden, I thought of another, but this time, it was a phrase:
Indoor thunder [in-dOr th&n-d&r] noun, Etymology: Middle English thoner with the addition of the word indoor: Def. The noise made from my human pet's future mate when he sleeps. Hide! It's indoor thunder coming from the couch!
Other than these, dear feline friends, I have found the words scritches and poodins since joining this community to be my personal new favorites! I do apologize in advance for having lost so much of mother tongue, but you know how it is when you become immersed in a foreign culture. You simply adapt: When in Rome...
I suppose I am to tag other people now so let me see:
- The Meezers
- Debra, Abby, Boo, Ping, Jinx, and Gracie
- Patches and Mittens
- Turtle, Moose, and Nala
- Mia and Ghost
It's your turn now, my feline friends!
The Miss America Pageant has come and gone. Female human pets from each of the fifty states and Puerto Rico lined up to compete in this wonderful championship. They attempted to display style, grace, and poise admist a sea of adoring admirers and intense pressure, but in the end, only one, Miss Jennifer Berry, was the winner.
In the same respect as this American homo sapien tradition, felines have been competing for awards and titles for years. Just as the aforementioned fifty-one human females sought the elaborate, sparkling tiara of first place, there are those in the feline community who struggle for the ultimate prize of the flashy, blue-ribbon. Purebreeds and mixed breeds alike have aimed for sheer perfection, and the lengths to which they have gone are extraordinary!
In yesterday's New York Times, Anita Gates wrote a marvelous review on the PBS one hour program, "The Standard of Perfection: Show Cats":
The most interesting moment is when one cat freaks out in the middle of a competition and leaps into the audience. The film's best tip is for figuring out whether an animal has the right temperament to be a show cat: Turn on the vacuum cleaner. If the cat doesn't run away, it can probably handle audiences and spotlights.
Gales went on to remark that most felines command their human pets rigidly and gorge themselves on luxuries. She also believes there is a connection between human females and competitive cats: Most competitive cats have human female pets. Can this be validated? I cannot say. Read the article yourself, my feline friends, and see what you think!
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Find out more about this law and its effect on both pets and women by reading the rest!
PORTLAND, Maine -- Spurred by growing evidence of a link between domestic violence and animal abuse, Maine has enacted a first-in-the-nation law that allows judges to include pets in protection orders for spouses and partners leaving abusive relationships.
In helping pets, advocates hope to help battered women and others who aren't willing to abandon their animals to be saved themselves.
"This is a very innovative, new approach, and it makes perfect sense because the protection order is a critical stage for women and others seeking protection," said Nancy Perry of the Washington, D.C.-based Humane Society of the United States.
Hello again, my precious kitties and delightful homo sapiens,
I am sure most of you know that a large number of evacuees of Hurricane Katrina came to the Houston area to seek shelter. Today, I was reading through some of the Houstonian news, and I came across this touching article written by a woman named Tara. She discusses how her kitties survived the ordeal of Hurricane Katrina, and how she even managed to build them their own "kitty evacuation shelter":
I cried myself to sleep in Houston thinking I'd killed my cats in the days after Katrina. I will never take them for granted again. But chances are they will never have their own bedroom again, either. That was ridiculous.
I believe they survived because I created a "kitty evacuation shelter" for them in a guest bathroom with enough food to last a month.
It was truly touching to read the love of this human pet for her kitty owners. May we all have pets who behave as such with love and respect for our needs, even when their own are threatened.
Until the next time,
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
this foul monstrosity named Sand Her came through the front door!
Isis hid immediately, fearing the worst, and harnessed her inner demon just in case the monster proved threatening.
I took matters into my own paws and showed the monster my roundhouse kick to the face!
The monster seemed unimpressed, and I was ever dejected.
I decided since its name was Sand Her that I had nothing to fear. Isis could handle herself if worse came to worse. After all, it was naptime, and that was more important.
9. I have sharp claws which resemble thunderbolts.
8. I cause small thunderstorms when I snore.
7. I too struggle against Titans: mosquito hawks, beetles, and cockroaches.
6. I too look regal and imposing just like Zeus.
5. "Zeus" comes from the Greek word, dios, meaning "bright", and well, I think you can tell from the pictures that my fur shimmers!
4. Zeus was also called "Soter" meaning savior, and my human pet thinks I am when she is sad and needs a hug.
3. Besides deities, Zeus fathered plenty of mortals. I have my human pet so I could be accused of "fathering".
2. My human pet couldn't have named me Isis because I am not female.
1. I am the supreme ruler of my house, my personal "Mount Olympuss".
Monday, April 17, 2006
This is Isis.
Isis came to my home in May of 2003. One day, my human pet came home to our then apartment at the time, and she heard what sounded like a wounded bird in a nearby bush. She walked over to investigate, and out came this little, poofy, gray furball with bright, blue, young kitten eyes. She was so tiny that she fit in the palm of my human pet's hand. We had no idea at the time that she would become so colorful in her Caliconess.
Isis had been abandoned, or so we thought. We could find no mama cat anywhere. It was a wonder that she had survived when she was so very fragile in her youth. She had taken to drinking from the side of the road that led to the apartments, and in the process, she had received worms. My human pet struggled to get medication down Isis' throat so she could get better.
It is believed that Isis is suffering from paranoid schizophrenia. We, however, take no pity on her. I can sneak up on Isis, and if she just catches sight of me out of the corner of her eye, her fur will stand up straight, and she will jump forty feet in the air. She also does not like people petting her on the rear for she is paranoid that something will happen. I blame my human pet for this because when Isis was little, she needed to be "anally expressed", and we felines do not like being violated.
When she was but a babe, she went into the bathroom, took the toilet paper in her mouth, and wound it around the apartment. It was amazing that the toilet paper had not broken. We still do not know how she did this. My human pet knew it was not me because I do not have a fascination with paper.
Isis also takes to stealing my human pet's feminine hygiene products. If she can get her hands on one, she will carefully pick away at the wrapper and take cotton by the string in her mouth. She will then walk it to the water bowl, much to my dismay, and sit there. She will watch patiently as the cotton expands. Why she does, we don't know.
Isis is also a big fan of bread in plastic bags. She enjoys waiting for my human pet to go shopping, and if the pet is silly enough to leave the bread in its delectable wrapper, Isis will pounce on it. She will nibble at the plastic and tear at it with her claws until she reaches the tasty goodness. Isis then only takes one bite. That's right. Just one bite of the bread. She then decides it is no good, and my human pet becomes infuriated.
Then, of course, there was the time that Isis decided it was a good idea to jump in the garbage can. Apparently, there were chicken bones inside, and she was clever enough to find a way to get inside unnoticed. However, she could not get out, and we had to tip over the garbage can as she cried nonstop.
As you can see, I am the good cat.
Isis is the bad cat.
And of course, anything I do, she gets blamed for which is fine by me.
I get told frequently that I am a big cat, and personally, I never had any reason to doubt it. After all, there's only Isis and myself, and I have never truly seen another cat face-to-face to believe otherwise about myself.
I am very slim and trim, and I will never again entertain those "big" comments!
This must be the world's fattest feline I have ever laid my kitty eyes on. Watch the video if you do not believe me! I don't even know how the poor cat made it up the stairs. That might be a mystery that goes on for days.