Friday, April 21, 2006

Homo sapien lie: Cats are aliens!

Dearest feline friends and human pets,

I was merely sipping on my morning water and nibbling on some Purina Cat Chow when I came across this strange article by Will Cohu concerning his review on the book, The Character of Cats. It started out with the typical ramblings as most reviews do, and I was about to click away until I saw:

Personally, I believe cats are aliens that arrived on Earth about the same time that colonists from Mars founded the civilisation of ancient Egypt. There are some otherworldly things about cats: they have no collarbone, and - uniquely among quadrupeds - glide rather than walk, using both feet on each side of the body alternately. Cats are also bent on the rapid elimination of other earthbound species; domestic and feral cats kill a billion birds a year in America.

I raised one eyebrow and pondered this paragraph intently. He surely could not be serious. Then I read the whole thing again, and looking at his word choice more closely, I decided that he was indeed serious. Surely, there were not other homo sapiens out there who believed this innane load of codswallop, but would you believe there are?

Apparently, this website written by someone named Clyde delves into different hypotheses on cats and their (supposed) connection to space aliens. He even goes so far as to show how we evolved from space aliens in order to blend in with our current environment.

Then there was this "fabulous entry" on Letters of Marque. Heidi Bond's conclusion that the cat was an alien was simply:

Proof: Most cats are either affectionate or frightened. This cat pretends to be frightened when I walk by. But rather than dashing and hiding, as any actual frightened cat would do, it saunters off about two feet, half-heartedly cowers under a tree, and watches with malevolent green eyes.

Maybe the cat simply did not wish to be in your way, Ms. Bond, and was being polite. Perhaps your pet clothes did not match that day, and the feline noticed and stared as you walked by because it was in shock. Maybe the cat really was frightened!

Then how could I not include this "documented proof" that all felines are aliens:

I don't know about you, feline friends, but when I use the litter box, all I want to do is get in and get out. I want my claws cleaned immediately, and I have no desire to sit there fiddling with the grains of litter until they create immaculate designs! The reason why I have no desire is because it's my bathroom! I don't play with poo!

Homo sapiens, lend me your ears! This may or may not come as a surprise to you, but...

FELINES ARE NOT ALIENS!

Sincerely,

12 comments:

Oreo said...

HEHEHE! That's too funny! Although, there are those alien eggs growin' on some of our trees outside......
Mine Mom's claws am real! I don't have to groom them or nothin'. She says the only thing she does different than anycat else she knows is, she uses a LOT of lotion. Schmaybe that's what it is.

PrincessMia said...

This is a very interesting hypothesis. I don't know about the littercircle picture. An obvious fake if you ask me. hurumph! I do all my artwork in my bean's zen garden, not my toilet.

Fat Eric said...

All very interesting stuff, Zeus. My mum used to love reading Will Cohu's newspaper column about woofies but he stopped writing it, so now she concentrates on cats, of course! I do not do artwork in my litter box either, I tried to do artwork in my mum's newly-planted rose bed today but she didn't seem too happy.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Hi Zeus

Just found you over at the Calico Girls page. Sorry it took us so long. Welcome to the cat blogging community.Stop over and see us.

The Meezers said...

Our mommy laughed at that article and then we reminded her that the Meezer Motto (check out meezer.com) is total world domination.

Beau Beau & Angie said...

Yes, very interesting indeed. We sometimes wonder if the beans are from outerspace. They certainly acts strange enough sometimes. Sometimes the litter after being cleaned has the unmistakable signs of a little litter circles all over it. Do do do do, do do do do.

Patches & Mittens said...

This is just unbelievable....of course we are mysterious and we do have powers. That is why we are loved so........

Cruxley said...

I have hard this before. I think the authors just trying to explain our obvious superiority.

Sometimes I like to dig in the litter until I throw most of it out of the box and across the room. My favorite time to do this is in the middle of the night, as noisily as possible.

Tucker said...

Descended from aliens? No. Descended from the Gods? Yes.

Although, my litter box does look like a moon landscape but that is because Scrappy likes to get in there and dig to China!

Petey said...

Hi Seus, I just found your blog and will catch up when the mom lets me have more computer time. I agree we are not aliens. Really, where do they get these stoopid ideas from; I'm from Colorado.

The Foo said...

LOL. Too funny! Thanks for the laugh. Miles (my cat) says... "Me? Alien? Nooooooooo". Great site Zeus!

Anonymous said...

Crop Circles in a litter box??? Too funny.

That Web site with the evolution of cats and aliens has another section with more catalien lore called CATZILLA. You should check it out, very funny!

http://www.clydesight.com/cinema.html