Hello feline friends,
It's rare that I address my letters to only one side of my beloved friendship tree, but today, as I have been inspired by both Scooby (Beans Training 101) and The Empress Kukka-Maria (Open Letter to My Mother--I'm Tired of Training You), I decided to share my personal experiences with training my beloved homo sapien.
This is my homo sapien pet. That picture was taken while she was at The Work. My human is what some might call a Teacher, and she teaches little homo sapiens who cannot hear. My human pet can be difficult at times as she will not always readily respond to my attempts to communicate with her, and it's times like those that make me wonder if she is like her pupils.
I have noted that when working with the human pet, it is best to follow a tried and true schematic: The Scientific Method. Now, feline friends, if you're not familiar with this, I'll go through it step-by-step and provide you with examples so that you can try it at home with your own pet.
Step 1: Observation and description of the phenomenon: What is it you wish to set about accomplishing? Do you want more food? Do you want to go to The City of Outside? Do you long for a relaxing belly rub? Consider the environment and different factors that might influence your human pet to not succumb to your will. Such factors might include (but are certainly not limited to): the flashy-loud box (in homo sapien, television), the humanip (P-L-A-Y-S-T-A-T-I-O-N), the speak-into-bone (telephone), or even the flashy-type-type box (computer). Note all these factors so you can account for them in the next step.
Step 2: Form a hypothesis: After figuring out all of the factors that may be prohibiting you from reaching your goal with your human pet, then make what the homo sapiens call "a hypothesis". Basically, take a guess at what you think you could do to change the behavior. Let's look at a situation that happened to me the other day as an example. I was extremely hungry, and it was 6:00 a.m. My human pet had let my food bowl become empty. I "hypothesized" that my human pet not only needed a wake-up call but also a reminder to go make my breakfast on time. Both the wake-up call and the reminder would take the form of a swift jump on the head followed by smothering of the face with my tummy, otherwise known as "Cover and Smother". This led to...
Step 3: Use hypothesis to predict new observations: With this hypothesis in mind, I predicted that "Cover and Smother" would get the human up and into the kitchen to fill my bowl. The only thing left to do was...
Step 4: Perform experimental tests of the predictions: I jumped on top of the bed and belly-flopped right on my human pet's face. She began to spat and wave at me, but I kept the motor running and pressed my tummy down harder on her face. She would only be left with two choices: Continue wearing me as a face-mask, or get up to fill the food bowl. In the end, I was triumphant, and the food was prepared on time according to my specifications.
This process takes some practice, but with enough time, any feline can become skilled at this. In time, everything you ever wanted from a refreshing spa-like litter box to bottled water with a spritz of lemon can be (and should be!) your's!