My dearest, beautiful Mouse,
I am writing to apologize to you for my sister, Isis. In case you have not noticed, Isis is crazy. Literally. I wish I could say I were joking, but I am not. She suffers from several mental illnesses, and it is very sad to watch her when she behaves in a manner that is unfit for felines. I hope that with this letter, I am able to clear up some of the confusion as to why she wrote you that letter with those provocative pictures.
You see, she was first diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder. She is suspicious of everyone, even me. I could walk over to Isis and try to help her with her evening bath, and she will immediately go into attack mode. The only person she seems to trust is our human pet, and even then, that sometimes comes into doubt.
It has been so terribly trying because I love my sister. I don't know why she would ever think I mean her harm. Sure, I steal her food, drink her share of water, broke her Cat Charmer, ate all of her birthday stinky goodness, and have snuck up on her on more than one occasion, but that doesn't mean I really want to hurt her. Honestly - I'm too intelligent to go to jail.
She also has obsessive compulsive disorder. The human pet put catnip (I still can't believe our human is pushing this drug on us!) in a specific place in the living room way back when during Isis' birthday. Every night since, Isis has gone to the same spot on the floor, rolled around, sniffed, clawed, and examined it, hoping to find catnip that is not even there. Perhaps this is not so much obsessive as it is delusional, but in either case, she's crazy.
Isis also cannot sit anywhere without first kneading our human pet's flesh with her claws. She has raked several red lines into our human pet with her insanity, and it brings tears to my eyes every time. She just doesn't know how to sit somewhere, trusting the fact that the earth will remain still for her furry bottom. She insists on kneading the couch, pillows, the carpet, rugs, the comforter, and anything else she decides to sit down upon. I've never timed her kneading, but I suspect she could do it for hours if no one were to snap her out of her hypnotic state.
My sister, Isis, also has several phobias. She has ablutophobia (a fear of bathing or washing), acousticophobia (a fear of loud sounds), agrizoophobia (a fear of wild animals), ailurophobia ( a fear of other cats), amychophobia (a fear of being scratched), and perhaps her biggest one: aphenphosmphobia (a fear of being touched).
In regards to her thinking you were a secret admirer, clearly, you can conclude I didn't tell her that. She's delusional as I stated before so she is prone to scripting her own individual and private conspiracies. I don't even know how she managed to get on the computer when she's cyberphobic (fearful of computers).
Once again, my dear Mouse, I am sorry for the inconvenience my sister has caused. I hope you are not too terribly dramatized by the incident.