Step away from the crack

I've known my human pet for awhile now, and I would like to think I know her better than most humans. I've witnessed the horrors of my pet before she's had her morning cup of coffee. I've laid beside her on the bed while she tosses and turns, lighting the bed sheets aflame with her monstrous night-crippling farts. I've even sat nonchalantly and admired her beautician grace while she plucked the chin hairs from her face.

However, it's time to reveal my human pet's ultimate secret to the world:

She's an online gaming addict, a.k.a., a closet geek.

When my pet and I first met, she was heavily involved with a game called Everquest. Personally, I prefer to call it Evercrack. Her weekend routine would involve making a rather large pot of coffee, snuggling into her robe, and sitting in front of her computer while pummeling monsters, solving outrageously time-consuming quests, and chit-chatting it up with people who lived miles away. It was a constant, habitual practice, and when we moved into The House, I was more than grateful that she gave it up.

Her skin had grown translucent from sitting in front of the computer screen for hours on end. Alas, I would show the pictures, but when I tried to upload them, all of them had a blotch of pure white that resembled, strangely enough, Patrick Swayze in his final moments in the movie, Ghost.

But I digress...

Nonetheless, the itch has returned. How do I know this? Well, her remedies for beating her addiction to Evercrack have grown cold. Turning to her college years for guidance, she resumed playing Magic: The Gathering like the good closet geek that she is (shhh, don't tell her I said that!), and she even managed to participate in some tournaments; however, that just ended up frustrating her due to human males asking her if she had a boyfriend continuously and all of the ceaseless boob-staring. She has beaten God of War II twice and has won countless badges on Pogo, but there's a sadness that lingers just beyond her eyes. There's no sense of joy, no sense of sheer digital accomplishment.

I'm concerned about my pet. I know she needs an outlet, but I fear this is probably not the right path. If she plays Evercrack again, when in the world can I expect to blog? It's not like we have a squillion computers in this House! Will she even remember to feed me, or will it constantly be time "to kill the dragon"? Let's not even contemplate if she'll clean the litter box. It's all too gruesome for me to consider.

Did I neglect to mention that she finally has a tan? For goodness sake, felines: We have to do something! I may not be able to find her if she becomes translucent again!

Human pet, if you're reading this, I beg of you: Forsake the Evercrack. Remember: You have a life now, and I am your life. There is no other life but me. I have included this video clip of a poor soul who became too involved with online gaming to remind you of its horrors. Heed the message well!!!

Warning: Contains online gaming language which requires lengthy, detailed linguistic analysis to comprehend...or level 64 epic elf mage ability of "Decipher". Hopefully, you have one or the other. If not, you're still bound to laugh.