Monday, March 05, 2007

Wooing Females, Tip #1

I've tried Axe Body Spray, guitar rifts, and even eHarmony to secure a female's attentions, but this time, my fine tomcats, I think I have found the ultimate guarantee for landing that oh-so-special-someone.

Do you doubt me? You should not.

What I am about to tell you will revolutionize the way you approach your everyday lives. You will be astounded, amazed, and dare I say, speechless. I sense you still don't believe me, but no worries: I didn't believe it either when I first heard about...

Neuticles!

You heard how Stella got her groove back? Well be prepared to get your balls back, my fellow testicle-challenged toms! With Neuticles, you could be a swinger - literally and figuratively! For just $99.00, you can have a pair worth bragging about, and believe me, it's well worth the investment.

Let's just take a look at what some recently implanted tomcats are saying:

"I used to cry at night wondering where my balls went, but now, with Neuticles, I know exactly where they are."

- Popeye from Topeka, Kansas

"It's freakin' fantastic that I can't sit down!"

- Lucky from Juneau, Alaska

"Who cares if I'm shooting blanks? Only I know for sure!"

- Mr. Wiggles from Grand Rapids, Michigan

Still not convinced that this is for you? What if I told you that you didn't need to settle for average feline testicles? Imagine life with a pair of bull balls hanging between your legs! You could be quite the tom about town with your new and improved Neuticle 5.75 inch bull testicle implants, and you'd only be spending $649.00 for the pair!

Sure, walking would be difficult, but WHO CARES?!?

The company guarantees that:

  • The texture and firmness of Neuticle Naturals were crafted based on the firmness of actual animal testicles.

  • Neuticles replicate the testicle in actual size, shape, weight, and feel.

  • Over 100,000 pets have been neutered with Neuticles in all 50 states and 32 countries worldwide by over 9000 veterinarians without a single reported complication when implanted as directed.
You have absolutely nothing to lose, and everything to gain! Just remember: When your human pet tells you that she could probably donate $649.00 to a local animal shelter and make more of a difference, you remind her that she should have thought about that before taking your manhood away from you! She won't have anything to say once you hit her with that massive guilt trip.

It's a small price to pay for the wrong committed against you.

Make things right. Get Neuticles, and feel like a tom again.

46 comments:

The Meezers said...

ok, I have to wipe the diet cherry coke off the monitor that mommy spit out her nose. 5.75 inch bull hoo-has - I measured and from the ground to my hoo-has, it's only almost 6 inches - so if I gain anofurr ounce or two, they is gonna be scraping on the ground. And then my furs would wear off, so I would haf 5.75 inch bald hoo-has. Think that would still turn on the ladies? - Miles

Zeus said...

Wow, Miles! I think you came up with a new tongue twister:

Bald bull balls

Trying saying that three times fast!

Rosie & Cheeto said...

HAHAHAHA, I can't believe that's the seckret! I mean, I always knew I was missing my cheezeballs (aka Cheezenuts) but now I can have them back with thowse Neuticles!?!?!

Whare do I sine up? Should I talk it ovur with Mrs. B (my sweetie) before I commit? Do thay offur same day surgury survice? Can I put it on my ladys credit card under anothur name....say ummm, pawdicure!?!?!

Max said...

Ohhhhhh....forget helping other kitties. I think I want to have an auction to raise money for a pair of those for myself!

Dachsies Rule said...

Sniff, sniff.

Mom said "no".

Sammy & Andy
(Roxie never had any and doesn't need any)

Sophia, The Diva Kitty said...

Do they come in Bun sizes? -Lando Bun

Cheysuli said...

Oh good lord. I hope Latte doesn't feel a need. A former queen, I'm pleased he DOESN'T have any...

Kimo & Sabi said...

You mean were missing our testicles too?! We thought we were only missing our hoo-haas! Well, we can't be mad at Mommakitty . . . the shelter did our hoo-haa-ectomies before we were adopted. We fink we will save our money fer some good nip.

Hot(M)BC said...

Oh oh, Mile's Mommy did it too. We's got moms wif talented noses. hehehe I fink I better go emale my boyfriendcat bout this. Now.
Purrrrrrrs,
Sanjee

Dragonheart said...

Oh my! My mom didn't let me read very far, because she says I'm still a kitten and I shouldn't be reading such things.

She read the whole thing though, and she is laughing so hard that she nearly dumped me out of her lap! Then she started singing "I've got big balls, I've got big balls" - I think it's a hard rock song.

One-Eyed Jack said...

Mew?

I don't know 'bout this. I met boycats with their hoo-has in the shelter and they were kinda mean!

I don't think I'd like a boycat who got his hoo-has put back in. Or even new hoo-has.

And why do you need them? You're a cute orange boycat! Isn't that enough? ~Persephone

ML (Mary Lynn) said...

KC said....

o, dat be so funnie, hee hee.... but whatsa hoo-has???

purrrrsssss, KC

Eric and Flynn said...

Hmm we thought about it, and we think it could be a good idea.We could all post for Big Mancat Monday then.Think we'll pass on the bull size balls though, mum already says it looks like I got a cow's udder swinging when I run.
Eric

Tara said...

Mom is still laughin! She wouldn't let me read very far, being a kitten and all, but I read far enough to wonder if the girl kitties will need boob implants to keep up. Think of that, we could get six of them!
Tara

Kaze, Latte, or Chase said...

Nice!!! Now I can really feel like the Big Man Cat I am. Really you should become an rep and earn a percentage on everyone sold! Imagine the commissions....

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Zeus has come roaring back!!! Yesss!

Too bad a $600+ price tag for a set of neuticles is more than Mom will consider. Even Dad, who understands our hoo-la-less plight, won't spring for that (he, who won't even pony up $250 for a stroller for me!).

Zeus, my friend, could you anonymously inquire about the cost of a smaller set, since I think "bull" size would be too large for me? Let's say something about the size of an almond...of course 2 per cat with a set for me and Max. Have them shipped in a plain, brown wrapper, please.

The Tower Hill Mob said...

Mum's choking on her tea...
We discussed it and she told me I could either have fake hoo-has or $600 worth of food. Naturally, I chose food. Didn't everyone?
Toby

Kukka-Maria said...

Where are the before and after pics, Zeus?

I think I dated Mr. Wiggles, from GR, MI. And, let me tell you...he's shooting blanks (if he's shooting anything at all, ifyouknowwhatImean)!

I may have to install neuticles in all my tomcats so they maintain that masculine air about them (and between their legs) on the red carpet.

Beau said...

Mom can't stop laughing, and snorting, either! I don't know. On the one hand, that would be SO cool to have them. On the other hand I think I'm VERY manly with or without them! A real man doesn't need his hoo-has to know he's a manly man!!

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

There's 3 of us here. Do they take group discounts?

Daisy said...

I think it takes a real man-cat to be hoo-ha-less and still confident!

Bonnie Underfoot said...

Chase is manly enough wifout that! Oh, Gawd, don't give Victor ideas! He's only two. He chases me enough as it is without developing an ego and urges.

Emma's Kat said...

LMAO!! Neuticles...what will they come up with next!?

Carmen said...

I think pooh is better off not knowing where his hoo-has are. :) when I first saw the picture, I thought it was a jellybean. Ha ha.

momsbusy said...

mommees is rollin on the floor an we finks her hiney has fallen off an she is crying cuz it hurts so much. so why is she laffin?

yuki & kimiko

The Meezer Gang said...

HOLY PATOODI!!!!

Can you have these put in after market style???

Funniest Blog today!

Artsy Catsy said...

Perfect post for Mancat Monday!!! Hey, can I get some of those for my human's fingernails, 'cause she has to clip the neuticles off of them?

Rocky

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

Omigosh, it's a good thing Speedy was napping when we read this! That boy would be hard to live with if he thot he cood get his nuts back. He'd neffur leeve mom alone til he gotted them, and we'd rather spend that money on food and toys, thankyouverymuch.~Zippy and Sadie
Hey, why are you blocking the screen! Are you gerls looking at man cats again? Whoa, fake hoohas, um, ouch. I had enough of the vet cutting 'em to take those out I don't think I want to go thru that again to put 'em back in.~Speedy

yao-lin said...

OH MY GOD I AM BUYING THEM!!! I AM GOING TO GET MY BIG MAN BOLLOCKS BACK!!! HURRAH!!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR THIS INFORMATION!

Sparky Duck said...

ok this post is making me cringe, just because its balls and all

o'jeter harris said...

i am speechless.

said...

*shivers*
ouchie :-)

Derby said...

No, I will skip this. I am confident with my mancathood that I don't need artyficial ho-has. Plus, unlike some kitties, I at least have the furry covers on my backside. They are empty, but they are still there.

P.S. Mum was snorting big time reading your post and the comments. She said someting about Rocky Mountain Oysters.

Hot(M)BC said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hot(M)BC said...

HMPH. The typist screwed up there, sowwy. Let's try again...

Zeus... ummn... ok, sign up if yoo wants. But wouldn't
these fingies Jack found be cheeper an just as big?
Oh heck. Don't do it Zeus!

Mooooom... shut up! Stop giggling! Hush!

Sheesh. Humans!

Lux said...

I think I must be like Derby, because I've never noticed anything was missing. I'm going to have to talk to my people about this.

DaisyMae Maus said...

Well ... the Feline Americans asked Mom and she said (loudly), "Hell NO!" I guess we won't be getting honest answers to the question "How's it hangin', boys?" anytime soon. I suppose Mom might not have been quite so emphatic if our neighbors down the street didn't have what look like brass buffalo testicles hanging from the tailgate of their "penis compensating" F350 Ford truck.

And ... to Miles ... Bald hoo-has aren't furry sexy.

DMM

Creatures said...

I don't remember them. I don't miss 'em. I'm metrosexual AND politicians should be neutered!
Great post. I laughed until my pants fell off and I don't wear pants :) Cato

Grr, Midnight & Cocoa said...

we're reading through the comments with our Lady and now she's singing the same song Dragonheart's mom is singing, and we're really interested in watching Eric run...

Karen Jo said...

Good post, Zeus. I laughed so hard my eyes started leaking. People is just plain weird to invent such stuff.

Tracy said...

I think there really IS a market for these things for male dogs. It is the DADS in their families that feel badly for them looking "different" if they are neutered. Not nearly so obvious with kitties. So really the market here is men who own male dogs.

The idea of spending all that money to give them to bulls is hysterical.

Funny post and funny comments!!

Mama Duck said...

ROTFL, I choked on my Dr. Pepper this morning!!

Furry Logic said...

I am secure in my manhoodness. So I think I would rather have $649 worth of stinky goodness.

Furry Logic said...

Tucker said that by the way.

Name: Mr. Hendrix said...

that is the funniest.... *snort, laughing* I can't....breathe *laughing and rolling aruond* my sides are splitting. My mommy knows the song you're talking about Dragonheart. I am *wiping tears of laughter away* totally going to have to take a nap now

Barb said...

Whoa. At first glance I thought that was a Bertie Bott's Every-Flavor Bean!