A Special Edition of Wooing Females: Wookin' pa nub in all da wong paces. Wookin' Pa Nub.

If you're a tomcat who is a few fries short of the downtown Happy Meal, then you know how I felt a few months ago when I decided to try eHarmony. 'What could be better than finding the love of your life without ever having to leave your home,' I thought to myself. It seemed like the perfect solution to my problem of finding true love.

I went to eHarmony.com, and I proceeded to complete the questionnaire. It was unlike anything I had ever done in my life. I thought to myself several times, 'Do they really expect me to sit in this chair long enough to complete this?' The questions seemed to go on forever. The first section dealt with my personal description. The second revolved around my attributes. The third asked me for my feelings.

It went on and on and on.

I, however, knew this was my ticket to finally landing the femme feline of my dreams. I had to persevere!

My personal interests, life skills, and important characteristics in my future mate...

Yes, I want her to be passionate. Yes, she needs to have a high energy level. Yes, we need to be sexually compatible - especially since I've had the hoohahectomy.

(Alas, though, there was no place to document my lack of hoo-hahs. Perhaps it was better that way.)

My height, weight, and ethnicity...

Four feet sounded good. I had four after all. A svelte 240 ounces for my weight. I checked "Other" since "Feline" wasn't listed.

After all the seemingly ceaseless questions, I finally, Finally, FINALLY got my matches! Unfortunately, I wasn't able to see their photos unless I paid money, and well, my figurative pockets were empty. Nonetheless, my purring grew louder, and my tail swung rapidly back and forth.

I finally stood a chance of getting, what the humans call, "action".

My first match was Marie. She was 29. Her most recent book read was about Adolf Hitler. She stated: "It was about war, I did not like it but my knowledge about Hitler is good now."

I thought to myself, 'Really, Marie? You didn't like it? I'm shocked.'

I immediately moved on.

I looked at Michelle. She was 26. She provided some information as to her interests. As she put it: "I'm much interest in all that are important in the world."

I felt much dumb in all that I was after have read that.

Finally, I came to Audra. She was 31. She wanted others to know some very important information pertaining to her. This is what stopped me dead in my tracks: "I'm only human. Don't judge me. I do good when I want to do good."

HUMAN?!?!?

I let out a deep sigh. With all of my hope blinding me from the beginning, I had no idea I would be matched with HUMAN females. I was so crushed that I slipped down into my computer chair, letting my nails scratch into the desk as my entire body sulked into one, big ball of ginger fur.

I share this story with you, my fellow hoohah-lacking toms, so that I might hopefully spare you the pain of what I experienced. No one should have their hopes built so high and then crashed so suddenly. After all: We might not have hoohahs, but we do have feelings.

*Entry for February's Write-Away Contest at Scribbit