Wooing Females, Tip #87

As some of you may know, I am attempting to further my research into effective methods for obtaining female attention when your male essence is, shall we say, lacking. Recently, I came across an interesting discussion on a musicians' message board where the gentlemen involved were discussing guitar rifts which inspired female affections. I thought to myself, 'Self, this could be genius!'

I formed my hypothesis: Guitar rifts produce increased positive female attention for males. Of course, I believe in a multicultural, multispecies approach. With such concepts in mind, it was only fair to test out the guitar rifts on both my sister-only-because-she-lives-here-too, Isis, and my human pet.



The first song mentioned on the message board was Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin. I began to play the song for them, monitoring their responses closely. After three minutes, the human pet walked into the computer room and saw me sitting in her chair. She eyed me curiously, but then said with a chuckle, "The best part of this is when it's almost finished, Zeus. Fast forward already!" Clearly, she didn't understand how to conduct proper experimental research.

Isis, on the other hand, had fallen asleep within the first few chords.



I decided perhaps they needed something more inviting and tender than Robert Plant's shattering vocals. I decided I would try Eric Clapton's stirring and emotional Tears in Heaven. Who could deny the poignant way Mr. Clapton delivered supple vocals coupled by acoustic phenomenal pluckings? Only the truly hardest of hearts could be turned away by such a reverent and sweet lullabye such as this.

"What the [expletive] are you doing, Zeus? Since when do you use Windows Media Player? You better get your [expletive] down now! For the love of -..."

In stark contrast, Isis moved into her own rifts of somber snoring.

The human pet began to move towards me with that unique fire in her eye that indicated to me lines had been crossed. As she reached for me, I cast my nails firmly into the desk and raising my right front paw, I slapped down on the left mouse button to play the next song. I needed a miracle right now to calm the proverbial savage beast set upon me!

Click!



The strummings of the bass began, and shortly thereafter, they were joined by the clear chords of the electric keyboard. Robert Smith's unparalleled voice echoed off of the walls, and the human pet's fingers released ever so slightly from my fur. It was enough to allow me to escape to the floor for a better vantage point for observation.

As the melody streamed forward, the human pet's eyes closed softly and a delicate smile spread upon her lips. Her head bobbed from side to side as her hips swayed in front of the computer. Quietly with a hint of nostalgia, she sang along with Mr. Smith, and I noted a slight blush to her cheeks as the song continued. It was as if she had traveled to some secretive place that only existed in her mind.

Isis, of course, remained sound asleep.

When the song ended, the human pet let out a gentle sigh. She turned and gazed down at me as I lay on the floor. "It's a good thing you thought to play that one, Zeus. Too bad that was nothing more than a freaky coincidence," she said and walked out of the room.

Freaky coincidence? I think not.

As a result of my experiment, I have adjusted my original hypothesis ever so slightly: Guitar rifts "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure produces increased positive female attention for males. I highly suggest that all males reading this obtain a copy of this song and use it in conjunction with your current mating rituals.

Though should you get in some sort of trouble with your mate, you could always play this song as a means of escape.