Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Wooing Females, Tip #87

As some of you may know, I am attempting to further my research into effective methods for obtaining female attention when your male essence is, shall we say, lacking. Recently, I came across an interesting discussion on a musicians' message board where the gentlemen involved were discussing guitar rifts which inspired female affections. I thought to myself, 'Self, this could be genius!'

I formed my hypothesis: Guitar rifts produce increased positive female attention for males. Of course, I believe in a multicultural, multispecies approach. With such concepts in mind, it was only fair to test out the guitar rifts on both my sister-only-because-she-lives-here-too, Isis, and my human pet.



The first song mentioned on the message board was Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin. I began to play the song for them, monitoring their responses closely. After three minutes, the human pet walked into the computer room and saw me sitting in her chair. She eyed me curiously, but then said with a chuckle, "The best part of this is when it's almost finished, Zeus. Fast forward already!" Clearly, she didn't understand how to conduct proper experimental research.

Isis, on the other hand, had fallen asleep within the first few chords.



I decided perhaps they needed something more inviting and tender than Robert Plant's shattering vocals. I decided I would try Eric Clapton's stirring and emotional Tears in Heaven. Who could deny the poignant way Mr. Clapton delivered supple vocals coupled by acoustic phenomenal pluckings? Only the truly hardest of hearts could be turned away by such a reverent and sweet lullabye such as this.

"What the [expletive] are you doing, Zeus? Since when do you use Windows Media Player? You better get your [expletive] down now! For the love of -..."

In stark contrast, Isis moved into her own rifts of somber snoring.

The human pet began to move towards me with that unique fire in her eye that indicated to me lines had been crossed. As she reached for me, I cast my nails firmly into the desk and raising my right front paw, I slapped down on the left mouse button to play the next song. I needed a miracle right now to calm the proverbial savage beast set upon me!

Click!



The strummings of the bass began, and shortly thereafter, they were joined by the clear chords of the electric keyboard. Robert Smith's unparalleled voice echoed off of the walls, and the human pet's fingers released ever so slightly from my fur. It was enough to allow me to escape to the floor for a better vantage point for observation.

As the melody streamed forward, the human pet's eyes closed softly and a delicate smile spread upon her lips. Her head bobbed from side to side as her hips swayed in front of the computer. Quietly with a hint of nostalgia, she sang along with Mr. Smith, and I noted a slight blush to her cheeks as the song continued. It was as if she had traveled to some secretive place that only existed in her mind.

Isis, of course, remained sound asleep.

When the song ended, the human pet let out a gentle sigh. She turned and gazed down at me as I lay on the floor. "It's a good thing you thought to play that one, Zeus. Too bad that was nothing more than a freaky coincidence," she said and walked out of the room.

Freaky coincidence? I think not.

As a result of my experiment, I have adjusted my original hypothesis ever so slightly: Guitar rifts "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure produces increased positive female attention for males. I highly suggest that all males reading this obtain a copy of this song and use it in conjunction with your current mating rituals.

Though should you get in some sort of trouble with your mate, you could always play this song as a means of escape.

25 comments:

cat_aunty said...

Heehee Zeus, you are very knowledgeable and wise.

Latte said...

What would we do without your vast research and testing skills? Thank you Zeus, you are a legend!

Kukka-Maria said...

Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick...the one that makes me meow, she said. The one that makes me purr, she said and threw her paws around my neck. Show me how you do it and I promise you, I promise that I'll run away with you.

Zeus, you are so wise and someday, when you decide to perform your experiments on me, I'll run away with you...

Gemini said...

Oh that was furry smart of you Zeus to do that experiment. However, you are so selfless as you are not at all lacking!

Renee said...

Just curious Zeus...which kitty are you trying to attract?

DEBRA said...

Zeus

You're brillant!
ABBY

Fat Eric said...

My mum says "Love Cats" is the best Cure song. She gets nostalgic about them too.

The Meezers said...

wow, we needs to try that so that mommy will stop the insanity and painting in the lifing room.

Blue Moon said...

I dont think you are lacking at all Zeusy! You are so darn adorable! How could you be lacking in anything! But I must confess, you had me with the Cure as well, now get over here and let me give that head a good scratch!

Blue Moon said...

I dont think you are lacking at all Zeusy! You are so darn adorable! How could you be lacking in anything! But I must confess, you had me with the Cure as well, now get over here and let me give that head a good scratch!

Colleen Gleason said...

Okay, I can't believe I'm going to admit this, but...wayyy back in 7th grade, this adorably cute guy serenaded me with Stairway to Heaven at a party I was at. He was also the first guy I ever really kissed.

So, Zeus, I have to tell you...the guitar riffs might or might not work on the females of my species, but there are certain songs that will do it every time.

PrincessMia said...

What? No Love Bites? no Never Say Goodbye? No Every Rose Has It's Thorn?

Bravely Sir Robin said...

No Robert Palmer (Might as well admit it you're addicted to CATNIP)??

No, seriously, you've again proven that music calms the savage beast!! Congrats! ^_^

Kimo & Sabi said...

Wow - that's some big research you're doing - keep up the good work for us dude cats!

Come over and play during our caption game!

Eric and Flynn said...

That's good ree-seerch yer doing. When our mum heard the Cure, she sed we had to move so she cud lissen to them. she likes Stairway to heaven too.

Lone Star Purrs said...

Fanks for the comp-lee-mints Zeus!! We still don't get along all that well yet.
~M&K

I have both ears, but my left one is bent ofur. At some point I hadded a hema-toma that wuz drained the V-E-T sed. The scar made it bend ofur. Momma sez it gives me "character".
~Emmy

Candy Minx said...

I have also heard that female cats respond to the Nelly Furtato song "I'm LIke A Bird" as well as the others listed here...

Good luck on your love life, you are so charming it is difficult to believe you have trouble with the ladies, how are you with The Commitments?

Cheers and here is my TT list...

Candy

http://gnosticminx.blogspot.com/2006/09/movies-in-chicago.html

Carmen said...

ha ha! I don't know that it's the actual rifs, but the players of the rifs that make the difference.

Sam I Am said...

Zeus~
Let's all do some catnip and listen to "Wild Kitty" woof-woof

Lot's of Lick's
Sam

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Goodness, Zeus. You certainly are accumulating a wealth of knowledge about females...and you've learned to play the guitar! Well done. There seems to be no end to your talents.

Max and I will be paying special attention.

Skeeeeezix the Cat said...

Whut are "Mating Richuals"? I just wanna know how to ask a gerl cat to danse without wetting my pants and stuttering.

Kelly Cat said...

Mating? What's that? I admire your research, but mating is something I can no longer do, my friend.

Deeply disappointed,
Mr. Kelly Cat

Buzzerbee & meep said...

We showed our mom your post, and she said "Ah, The Cure . . . I kinda miss college". We don't know what this college thing is or what was so great 'bout "the 80's" - lets' face it, probably not too many of our bloggin' buddies were even born then, so how much fun could "the 80's" have really been?!?!

tiggerprr said...

LOL SOOOO cute!

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