Nasty little hidden secret

Dear Zeus,

When my human tries to get onto your blog from work it blocks her because of the letters zeu s-e-x cuse in the address. This really annoys her. Any ideas how she can get round this? I told her to do actual work instead of blog surfing but apparently she isn't keen on this idea.

Congrats on a great cause by the way xx

HRH Yao-lin

Dear HRH Yao-lin,

When this blog was created back in April of 2006, it never dawned on me that I was handing out a subliminal message with my address. You can imagine my shame when fellow readers informed me of my mistake, and as such, a deep self-loathing overcame me.

What did this say about me: That I was a hoohahless tomcat in need? That I desired 'the nasty' 24/7? Whatever would my human pet say if she knew?

You are not the first to point this out to me!

I doubt you will be the last!

However, I am absolutely clueless when it comes to such technological quandaries. I suggest you speak to someone, such as Hot(M)BC, who is more knowledgeable than me. I apologize for not being of more assistance.



Do you have a question you would like for me to answer during Blogathon 2007? Leave it in the comments! By leaving a question, you help the cause as I will have plenty to blog about for the next 20 hours.

Special Blogathon Edition of Thursday Thirteen, Edition #36

Hi Zeus!

We've been reading your blog for a while.

We are curious about your sister, Isis. Doesn't she have anything to say?

Dazey Jesse and Conner Cloud

Dear Dazey, Jesser, and Connor Cloud,

Seeing as though I did not post a Thursday Thirteen yesterday, this is as good a time as any to tell you thirteen reasons why my sister, Isis, does not post very often on my blog:



1. This is The Zeus Excuse, not The Isis Crisis.

2. Her obsessive compulsive disorder would keep her from finishing a post as every i would need to be dotted and every t crossed.

3. She has cyberphobia.

4. Paranoia should not be encouraged...even if it is funny.

5. Constant twitching leads to bad typing.

6. Her war with Fuzzy Bear doesn't leave much spare time for blogging.

7. Isn't it more interesting to read about my pranks on her?

8. Though she would never admit to it, Isis is a hard-working geisha girl. You can imagine how tired she is after working the circuit.

9. She's a hater. Need I say more?

10. Because when you have too much in common with Golum, you need to be contained.

11. There's a lot of tampons in this world that need her to submerge them in water so that they may be freed of their cardboard applicators.

12. She can't handle having adoring fans like I can!

13. I'm more sophisticated, dashing, charming, intelligent, and did I fail to mention, stable?

Do you have a question you would like for me to answer during Blogathon 2007? Leave it in the comments! By leaving a question, you help the cause as I will have plenty to blog about for the next 21 hours.

Curling on your pet's lap may be dangerous to her health

We felines have been accused of possessing all sorts of strange gifts: unique camouflage, keen hearing, and the ability to heal with our purrs. In truth, we all know better. That's just how we are, but throw in the fact that homo sapiens enjoy attaching meaning to meaningless occurrences, and you have yourself the stuff of myth and legend.

Case in point: Oscar (seen above) of Providence, Rhode Island.

Lately, Oscar seems to be having quite the effect on the elderly homo sapiens. You see, every time Oscar decides to curl up on the lap of a hospice patient, the patient passes away within four hours. Don't believe it? Well, apparently, 25 times in a row is enough for the homo sapiens to say, "Hey! This cat may be onto something!"

Is this what scientists call 'pattern-seeking behavior'?

Today, I am going to try to see if I can score an interview with Oscar, but I suspect he may be busy.

After all: It's hard work being the harbinger of death.

What is this prewriting you speak of?

Simba asked, "Knowing how fond cats are of napping, did you and your human pet have to prepare some posts in advance to help you to make it through the 24 hours?"

Well, Simba, I definitely would be lying if I said, "No, that thought never crossed my mind!" The whole concept of Blogathon, however, is for blogging to be spontaneous and continuous throughout the 24 hour period. Prewritten posts are, therefore, discouraged. I believe the only exceptions would be for artwork or stories.

Most of what you will see on the blog today will be spur-of-the-moment posting. The only planned event I had was a story entitled, Flea Games, which, at the moment, totals ten chapters. The beauty of that, though, is I will have to complete the story in the thirty minute increments as it remains unfinished. That should be interesting!

Do you have a question you would like for me to answer during Blogathon 2007? Leave it in the comments! By leaving a question, you help the cause as I will have plenty to blog about for the next 22 hours.

Hoodie hopes

My human pet loves her computer, but she loves hoodies more. You can imagine then how easy it was to convince her to let me have the computer for the entire day for Blogathon 2007 by promising her a new hoodie for her collection. What female doesn't love schwag?

If you're looking to get your hands on some Blogathon gear, visit their online store. They have quite the selection, but unfortunately, no feline wear. I suppose they didn't consult Skeezix as to the latest trends in cat couture!

Want to make a donation to support my efforts? Click here!

Want to play a game?

Perhaps sponsoring me is not your thing, and that's ok! There are squillions of bloggers who are desperately in need of sponsors for their charities. Over at An Indian Summer, they're playing $5 Fairy: Sponsor a blogger for $5.00 and get yourself a button - free of charge!

And how do you find a blogger in need? Simple. Tour the blog list!

Want to make a donation to support my Blogathon efforts? Click here!

Why Zeus is participating in Blogathon 2007

Seeing as though I do not get out of The House very often, the human pet was kind enough to do some research for me concerning why animals are given up by their owners and sent to the SPCA. I suspect that some of these reasons are the same for The Humane Society. Nonetheless, I think it's important to remind myself (and all of you out there) why this organization needs our help.

(Originally posted as 10 "Reasons" Why Animals Go To The SPCA)

10. The animal is too energetic.

9. The animal is not energetic enough.

8. Unwanted gift

7. Too many pets already at home.

6. Pet restrictions at previous owner's location.

5. Owner has passed away.

4. Unsold kittens or puppies from large litters.

3. Animal has a high prey drive.

2. Animal in question does not get along with children.

1. Cruelty surrender

Research compiled by the human pet who visited the SPCA here in Houston on Tuesday, July 11, 2006.

Want to make a donation to support my Blogathon efforts? Click here! Total as of 8:30 am is $235.00! Thank you to all who have donated!

Start your blogging engines!

Hello everyone!

It has finally arrived! It's time to begin Blogathon 2007! Stay tuned throughout the day for poems, songs, photos, and even a story or two. There will be action and suspense, drama, and who knows? Maybe even a little bit of humor.

Wait a minute.

I hope I'm funny.

Also, for one day and one day only, you can leave me a question in the comments that you would like to have me answer. Questions can be about anything, but I reserve the right not to respond as a cat does have to have some secrets. By leaving me questions, you help in assuring I will have plenty to blog about for the next 24 hours!

Remember: This is all to help The Humane Society of the United States. If you have not made a pledge as of today, you may do so right up until I quit blogging on Sunday morning at 8:00 am. So click here and submit your donations! Every little bit helps!

Blogathon 2007

Hello friends,

It's that time of year again! The Blogathon of 2007! This will be my first Blogathon experience, and I could not be happier. I will be writing for The Humane Society of the United States because of their tireless work in protecting animals everywhere from cruelty and suffering. Please help the cause by clicking on the banner above to make a donation in support of my efforts. I will be blogging nonstop for 24 hours on July 28 with updates every 30 minutes.

Just think: That's more action than Jack Bauer gives you on 24!

Make your pledge today, and thank you in advance for your generosity!

UPDATE: Total raised as of July 28 at 7:30 am is $210.00! Thank you to everyone who has donated!

Spic 'N' Span

The human pet is coming back tomorrow, and as is the tradition in The House, Isis and I dutifully clean every room from top to bottom to insure that the pet is greeted in the manner to which she is accustomed. What happens more often than not, though, is utter and complete mayhem. Typically said mayhem is definitely not my fault since I am known for being an instigator. You see, I'm having some problems having Isis cooperate. She simply has taken it upon herself to become the diva of her own personal world. She may think she is helping, but she is not.

When I woke up this morning, I sauntered into the kitchen, groggy-eyed and lifeless. As I knelt over my morning water, lapping the sweet nectar, I could hear rustlings of mischief coming from just behind me in the sink. I hadn't wanted to turn around for I knew that the moment I did, my blood would ignite on fire. I tried to ignore it, continuing to focus on the cool, crisp water, but with every Scrriittttch! and Squeaaaaak! my fur pricked a bit more until my entire body was one big poofball of anxiety.

Gingerly (no pun intended), I turned around, and I could not help but raise one eyebrow to indicate my perplexed thoughts. There was Isis, hovering over the plates in the sink, running her claws over a dinner plate caked with dried spaghetti sauce and bits of cooked beef. With every swipe of her claws, she would bring her talons to her lips and lick them clean with delightful moaning sounds.

Just as she was about to continue in this repetitious nails-on-chalkboard routine, I said, "Granted, I should know better than to ask, but what are you doing?"

"I'm washing the dishes," she replied as if it should be quite obvious to any and all who observed her.

"You see that device over there?" I pointed to the machine known as Maytag. "It's what the pet uses to clean the dishes. My instincts tell me that the pet isn't going to want to eat off of dishes that you quote unquote 'washed'."

"Well, if she wanted me to wash them her way, she should have given me some opposable thumbs to work with. She'll just take it and like it." Isis returned to her scavenger hunt of remnant food goodness.

"Isis, if you're going to do a job, you might as well do it the proper way. Why would you want to do something wrong the first time only to end up doing it again later?" If I could have propped my paws on my hips, I would have right at that moment.

"I'm sorry, but who is the fatty who slept in until noon only to come out and lecture me now? Hmm...wait. It's coming to me. Let me think: Zoolander? Zelda? Oh no, wait! Zeus!" She cocked her head to the side and pursed her lips at me as her tail wagged bitchily behind her as if to say 'That's two snaps around the world' worthy.

I turned to walk away since I knew that would indicate I was the bigger cat to her. As I did, however, I noted the fresh hazy marks of pawprints on the pet's glass dining table. Padding over for a closer look, I leapt onto a chair and stuck my nose to the prints from underneath the glass, narrowing my eyes and sniffing inquisitively. Definitely the work of Isis.

From the dining room, I asked, "And you call this helping the pet as well? Leaving a trail of pawprints all over her dining room table?"

"Excuse me, Zeustard, but I was rearranging the centerpiece you knocked over last night."

"I knocked over?"

"Don't act like it was me, Zeusaslut. You chased me all over the house and forced me against my will to jump onto the table and knock over all the candles!" Her tail swung even faster to and fro, and I could feel my hairs prickling with the sensation of whoop ass.

"I dare you to call me one more thing, Isis. One. More. Thing. Why don't you let me handle the cleaning while you get cranked out on nip since that's the only thing you're good at?"

"MeooooooooooOOOW!"

The next thing I know the two of us were tumbling and wrestling on the dining room floor. There were flashes of canines, tufts of fur flying, and the screeching cries of agony. I suspect to the casual observer we looked more like a ginger and silver tumbleweed, bouncing along the western trail with the rise and fall of the desert wind.

If The House ever gets cleaned in time for the human pet, it will be a miracle. By chance, does anyone know the phone number for Merry Maids?

Even felines can smell bullshit

And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves, and said unto them, "It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.”

Matthew 21:12-13

One of my favorite television shows has to be The Colbert Report on Comedy Central. Yes, I know what you must be thinking: Felines actually give a shit about the political upheaval facing the United States? Indeed we do. Indeed, indeed. How else am I supposed to gain the inside track to obtaining my voting rights if I do not at least know the particular ins and outs of the process?

But I digress...

Anyhoo, as I said earlier, I was watching The Colbert Report while propped on my throne, and I could not help but perk my ears when I heard the following story:

Prophets for Profit: Wal-Mart to sell extensive line of religious toys in 420 stores across the nation.

I narrowed my eyes as I looked upon the television. A brief flash of a 12-inch, plastic-faced Moses (Complete with burning bush and holy staff!) secured in colorful packaging accompanied by chic branding popped onto the screen. Moses' stiffened and warped smile seemed to say, "Hell yeah, I parted that Red Sea, and guess what? Ima gonna do it again! Know why? Cause I CAN!" I suddenly saw images of young girls and boys fighting over the poor plastic Moses, demanding that they raise his staff into the air and part the waters in their bathtubs before bedtime.

I believe it was at this point that I sniffed the air of my living room and found the intoxicating scent of irony drifting about in dense, rolling wafts.

I considered the poor Indian laborers, milling away for eightteen hours, seven days a week, just to craft the wonderful George line of clothing (selling from $8.00 to $29.00) and ending up with a paycheck the equivalent of $2.00 US. I thought of how the term, "health care", did not really apply to Wal-Mart workers. I was reminded of how many mom-and-pop stores, the true heritage of Americana, had successfully been snuffed out by the opening of a Wal-Mart near to their businesses.

I lowered my head for a moment, and I realized an all-important truth:

Wal-Mart really is the Devil.

Chumbawambaian Flick

Proof that homo sapiens can spoof just about anything:

Tara's Meme

I got tagged by The Furry Kids for Tara’s meme. In between reading all the postcards my human pet has sent me and destroying maintaining the house, I answered the following questions as truthfully and as thoughtfully as I could.

The questions are:

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?

Ten years ago, I was but a mere thought held in the loins of my father. My mother, however, had no idea what was coming.

2. What were you doing 1 year ago?

One year ago today, I was enjoying The Amazing Zeus Season Finale. Good times in Alabama!

3. Five snacks you enjoy:

Seeing as though I don't even get many snacks since I'm on a strict diet, I love any and all snacks should I even get them.

4. Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:

Freak on a Leash by KORN, Cat's in the Cradle by Guns N Roses, We Are Siamese If You Please from Lady and the Tramp, Don't Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me by Pussycat Dolls, and my personal favorite: Crucify by Tori Amos simply for mentioning a cat named Easter.

5. Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

If I were a millionaire, I would [coughs for a moment and assumes a Mr. Universe-esque stature] 1.) solve the crisis in the Middle East 2.) end filibustering 3.) buy Nicole Richie one hundred cheeseburgers 4.) free Paris Hilton's chihuahua from his prison 5.) become the largest stockholder in Purina.

6. Five bad habits:

Scratching the very throne I adore, deciding I need to sing at the top of my lungs at 4:30 in the morning, setting lofty and innane goals for myself, attempting to find ways to compensate for my lack of hoo-hahs, and posting Thursday Thirteens.

7. Five things you like doing:

Sleeping, pestering Isis, bathing myself in front of other people, headbutting my human pet in the morning, and, of course, bitching!

8. Five things you would never wear again:

I don't have five things, but I do have one that equals five. Two words: Little Ninja!

9. Five favorite toys:

Cat wands, feather-butt mice, ice cubes, hairties, and cardboard boxes of any size!

Postcards from Pittsburgh

Dear Zeus and Isis,

Flying through three time zones is not for the faint of heart! I flew from Las Vegas to Cleveland, and once I arrived, I waited for an hour for my next flight. Little did I know I would be riding on a itsy-bitsy Cessna from Cleveland to Pittsburgh! During that flight, there was one poor old lady who sat behind me, crying and praying the entire trip. She was terrified, and I thought to myself that that might be just how you would act, Isis!

Know that I arrived safe and sound, and I am relaxing in the land known as Hopewell, Pennsylvania. Yes, I know that if you were to look it up, you would find the one located in the eastern half of the state, but I am in the western half of the state. My hometown is so small, it does not have its own zip code!

Hopewell Township is a far cry from the hustle and bustle of Houston to be certain.

I will write to you again soon! Please don't kill one another while I am gone!

Marina

Postcards from Vegas, Part 2

Dear Zeus and Isis,

I have been having a blast losing all my money! I go up...I go down...but I never have a bad time! I have made all the rounds one might expect here in Vegas, and I even took in a few shows. I'm going to save all of the details for when I get home. Just know I am really enjoying myself!

Tomorrow, I will be flying to Pittsburgh as we discussed to handle some family business. I know you miss me, but I will home in a week. Know that I miss you, and I will write again just as soon as I can!

Marina

Postcards from Vegas

Dear Zeus and Isis,

I'm having a great time in Las Vegas! Yesterday, I arrived bright and early at 8:30 in the morning, and once at the hotel, I slept until noon. I hate to say it, but it was nice having a bed to myself without having to share it with the two of you. (Please don't think less of me for having said that!) I went to Terrible's Casino, Morton's Steakhouse, and then to end my evening, I went to the Hard Rock Cafe Hotel and Casino. I haven't won a lot of money just yet, but this trip is far from over!

I'm taking lots of pictures, and when I get home, I'll show you all of them!

I miss you both; however, I know you would never love this 110 degree heat! Maybe it's better you're both stuck in the house with the air conditioner...

Love always,

Marina

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #35

Thirteen Reasons To Ship The Human Pet Off To Las Vegas

1. She's lost too much weight, and Vegas has the biggest and best buffets in the world!

2. Cirque du Soleil is now accepting applications for freaks. She's a shoe-in!

3. Four days of absolute calm with no obligations to demonstrate affection.

4. Perhaps Criss Angel can make her disappear...permanently.

5. The Roller Coaster at New York-New York might jostle some sense into her.

6. Maybe while she's there, she can get hooked up with a phat new ride from the King of Cars.

7. It's all together possible that she can teach Rob Mariano how to play poker properly.

8. Because maybe Mr. Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, needs a Mrs. Las Vegas.

9. I asked her to bring me home a bunny from The Bunny Ranch.

10. It's like sending her to Paris, but not quite.

11. I wanted her to meet my friends at MGM Grand's Lion Habitat.

12. My human pet thought Houston was bleeping hot. This will definitely learn her!

13. The real reason: To celebrate her parents' 50th birthdays as well as their 30th wedding anniversary! Congratulations to my pseudo-grandparents!

Kitty Swap

Dear Zeus,

Hello there! My name is Stephen Lambert, creator of the provocative hit television show, Wife Swap, on ABC. Perhaps you are familiar with the concept of the program: Two families who have two very different sets of values are asked to participate in a challenge lasting two weeks. The wives of the families are switched, and whatever happens after that is completely left to those involved. Most of the time, there is mayhem and strange antics, followed by screeching voices and plenty of tantrums.

I have been wanting to put myself into a new creative project. After all: Not everyone in America is married, has kids, or even for that matter, lives the life of heterosexual bliss. There are plenty of people who are being left out from the possible viewing audience of Wife Swap, and it is those people that I wish to reach.

I would like to extend an offer to you for my new upcoming program entitled Kitty Swap. The basic premise would be the same: Two families of two different backgrounds with two totally different felines would exchange their cats for two whole weeks. Our cameras would follow the antics that ensue, and after the prescribed time, each cat will be given time to remark on the other's families with candid, heartwrenching remarks.

I do hope you contact me soon so we can begin to make plans for programming. I already have the perfect swap in mind so please do not hesitate. You can reach me either by my cell phone number or email.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Stephen Lambert
Creator of Wife Swap

Bad News

Dear Zeus,

Hello, dear friend! How have you been? I have been busy handling casting interviews for our upcoming season of The Amazing Race and helping our staff pick exotic locations and challenges for our latest group of contestants. It has definitely been keeping me busy. I haven't had much time for anything else.

I had been perusing your blog the other day when I noticed you brought up the issue of why CBS had not reinstated The Amazing Zeus. I thought it was time we discussed this as it has certainly put a wall in the midst of our friendship. It's a rather long story, so I hope you bear with me as I relate the sad details in proper order.

I had approached Bertram van Munster and Elise Doganieri, the original creators of The Amazing Race, with the idea of the sequel. When I said your name, Elise turned me and said, "Are you serious? We didn't even pull in enough ratings to beat out Treasure Hunters last season! We can't possibly have him try again!" I knew she was right, but I informed her that it might have been because the adventures were too long. Bertram interjected at that point: "Too long is right! I nearly fell asleep watching those cats visit some of those places!"

"If you can figure out a way to make it more exciting, perhaps we'll reconsider. You know sex, drugs, and violence sell. See if Zeus is willing to add a bit of spice to the offer, and then we'll talk again," said Elise.

With that in mind, I went to see Jonathan Littman, the executive producer. He was lounging in his office, ruffling some papers when I stepped inside. He stopped me though as soon as he saw me: "I hear you're trying to pitch this Amazing Zeus sequel idea, and I'm just letting you know it's not going to fly."

"Why not?" I asked.

Jonathan scoffed at me as he spouted, "You're smoking some serious crack! Let's think about it: Cats running all over the nation, visiting inane tourist attractions, having no challenges, and getting all of our financial backing?! Do you know that freakin' cat racked up a $12,930 airline fee alone? You can't be in your right mind if you think that investors are going to line up to sponsor a cat!"

"I thought people really enjoyed the change of pace," I told him sheepishly. "There was something very endearing about seeing their adventures."

"There's nothing endearing about seeing cats talk to a mechanical cow or watching them wiggle their way through a maze of miniature Chinese army men or having Derek Acorah do a psychic reading for them on the streets of London! Forget it, Phil! This is not going to happen!" And with that, he plugged in his iPod and cranked it to full blast to let me know the conversation was over.

I just want you to know, Zeus, that I tried everything in my power to make your sequel happen. I really think the only way it's going to take off is if you find financial backing independently of CBS. I'm sorry, my friend, for the bad news, but I thought you should hear it from me first.

Sincerely,

Phil Keoghan

P.S. Please tell Marina I said hello, and that I love the photos of her on the blog.

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #34

Thirteen Reasons I Need To Get Out Of This House

1. Surely, there is more to life than three bedrooms and two baths.

2. There's only so much one can take of running the house circuit.

3. I watch squirrels, frogs, and even junebugs enjoying freedom. I'd like to think I'm above those lesser lifeforms.

4. Blackie needs more carbonated kitty water stat!

5. Simply because I'm bored, I'd throw down with Cangura.

6. My human pet pays no attention to me.

7. I'm guessing there's more variety in food in the City of Outside.

8. TiVo holds no interest for me anymore.

9. Why hasn't Phil called me for The Amazing Zeus sequel?

10. I'm thinking the grass has to be greener on the other side as compared to the fabulous tan carpet I lay on every day.

11. I'd like to poop somewhere that didn't involve sand.

12. Because felines start to ask questions when you shack up with your sister.

13. Do I even need a reason? Honestly?