Originally posted on January 19, 2007
Behold! My entry for The Write-Away Contest held at Scribbit! It'll take your breath away...but you won't die. I promise.
I have set three goals for myself.
I hear you laughing and snickering, whispering under your breath, "You've got to be kidding me." Is it so hard to fathom that we cats also have things we would like to accomplish in this life?
I didn't laugh when I was informed of a human desiring to eat the most cockroaches in one sitting. I didn't raise an eyebrow when I discovered someone wanted to have the record for most modelling balloon sculptures in one hour. Hell, I didn't even so much as gag when I stumbled upon a woman who achieved the feat of being the most pierced person in the world.
So with all of the chicanery you humans claim as goals, I think you could suspend your disbelief for just one moment when it comes to my goal-setting.
Goal #1: Free my four-legged friends from supposed "pet" clothing.
Let's get right to the heart of the matter. I'm a cat. I was born with fur. I don't remember having committed the first sin in the Garden of Eden and thus realizing that I needed to be clothed due to my abrupt awakening of apple goodness. And even if I had, I'm betting that God, in His infinite wisdom, would have looked upon me and said, "Forget the not-so-inconspicuous leaf of private places. It doesn't suit you."
Don't throw your baggage on us, homo sapiens.
You did that one all on your own so carry that Samsonite sin suitcase with pride.
Goal #2: Censor animal pornography on cable television.
There's something wrong with this world when I can flip through the 900 channels on my television and come across such disturbing images as elephants getting it on rough and wild in the African savannah, dolphins chasing after one another to initiate foreplay, or even, watch my canine friends attempt to make a gazillion puppies. Is this really necessary? We of the animal kingdom should have known there was a problem when the infamous lyrics penned by The Bloodhound Gang stated "Let's do it like they do on The Discovery Channel."
Discovery Channel and all of your affiliates: I'm coming for you with my MA rating and parental warnings in tow.
Goal #3: Have legislation passed to prohibit the sale and distribution of catnip.
In April, 2006, I reported on the growing epidemic of catnip junkies among the feline race. In recent months, the problem has only gotten worse. Rather than "just saying no", kittens and young felines are harnessing this gateway drug at an alarming rate. Young kittens stand on the corner, turning tricks (Just look at the poor, addicted kitten on that dog!) for money, just so they can afford their nip habit. Others lie, cheat, and steal for a mere ounce of the green plant. How much more can our youth slide before we take to action?
As someone who has a family member who is hopelessly addicted, I know all too well the destructive powers this drug has on a feline. Even though A&E's Intervention refused my letters and calls for help, stating that "catnip is perfectly legal", this only serves as proof for how mainstream and commonplace this horrible substance is. It is time for our government to stand up and take notice of this problem and to be held accountable for legally supplying catnip in an effort to suppress our feline rights.
Yes, these are my three main goals.
Though they are lofty, they are not unattainable.
For where there is a will, there is a way, and though I am not named Will, a way I shall find.