Tuesday, February 02, 2010


Originally posted on January 19, 2007

Behold! My entry for
The Write-Away Contest held at Scribbit! It'll take your breath away...but you won't die. I promise.

I have set three goals for myself.

I hear you laughing and snickering, whispering under your breath, "You've got to be kidding me." Is it so hard to fathom that we cats also have things we would like to accomplish in this life?

I didn't laugh when I was informed of a human desiring to eat the most cockroaches in one sitting. I didn't raise an eyebrow when I discovered someone wanted to have the record for most modelling balloon sculptures in one hour. Hell, I didn't even so much as gag when I stumbled upon a woman who achieved the feat of being the most pierced person in the world.

So with all of the chicanery you humans claim as goals, I think you could suspend your disbelief for just one moment when it comes to my goal-setting.

Goal #1: Free my four-legged friends from supposed "pet" clothing.

Let's get right to the heart of the matter. I'm a cat. I was born with fur. I don't remember having committed the first sin in the Garden of Eden and thus realizing that I needed to be clothed due to my abrupt awakening of apple goodness. And even if I had, I'm betting that God, in His infinite wisdom, would have looked upon me and said, "Forget the not-so-inconspicuous leaf of private places. It doesn't suit you."

Don't throw your baggage on us, homo sapiens.

You did that one all on your own so carry that Samsonite sin suitcase with pride.

Goal #2: Censor animal pornography on cable television.

There's something wrong with this world when I can flip through the 900 channels on my television and come across such disturbing images as elephants getting it on rough and wild in the African savannah, dolphins chasing after one another to initiate foreplay, or even, watch my canine friends attempt to make a gazillion puppies. Is this really necessary? We of the animal kingdom should have known there was a problem when the infamous lyrics penned by The Bloodhound Gang stated "Let's do it like they do on The Discovery Channel."

Discovery Channel and all of your affiliates: I'm coming for you with my MA rating and parental warnings in tow.

Goal #3: Have legislation passed to prohibit the sale and distribution of catnip.

In April, 2006, I reported on the growing epidemic of catnip junkies among the feline race. In recent months, the problem has only gotten worse. Rather than "just saying no", kittens and young felines are harnessing this gateway drug at an alarming rate. Young kittens stand on the corner, turning tricks (Just look at the poor, addicted kitten on that dog!) for money, just so they can afford their nip habit. Others lie, cheat, and steal for a mere ounce of the green plant. How much more can our youth slide before we take to action?

As someone who has a family member who is hopelessly addicted, I know all too well the destructive powers this drug has on a feline. Even though A&E's Intervention refused my letters and calls for help, stating that "catnip is perfectly legal", this only serves as proof for how mainstream and commonplace this horrible substance is. It is time for our government to stand up and take notice of this problem and to be held accountable for legally supplying catnip in an effort to suppress our feline rights.

Yes, these are my three main goals.

Though they are lofty, they are not unattainable.

For where there is a will, there is a way, and though I am not named Will, a way I shall find.


local girl said...

I think that cat outfit is so cute! However, I know better than to try and get my kitties into one.

Anonymous said...

I'm right with you Zeus! Nothing is more magnificent than your feline fur coat so why cover it?

I'm afraid my cat is hopelessly addicted to catnip adn given his years it's a bit late to do anything about it. He's been a junkie for 16 years now!

Glad you liked the bouncing balls on my blog :-) I now have a clip showing how they did it!

Heather Rae Scott said...


I'm not laughing at your goals. Really. I'm not. Just like you're not going to become a must read blog. Nope.

Unfortunately, to meet you in person would cause great distress for my eyes, nose and throat. I must confess I'm allergic to felines.

That isn't to say I don't like cats, they just don't like me.

Anonymous said...

So, "pet" haircuts are still okay then? A new salon opened in town and I wasn't sure whether I should cheer or protest. Mostly I just laugh.

It's a lot like reading here in that sense.

tiggerprr said...

Zeus, I love your blog. :) That is all.

Anonymous said...

Zeus, I support you completely on goal #2. But I could never give up my cute outfits! Or my catnips!

ps: I love yer blog!

Anonymous said...


I am adamant in my opposition to #3. Its the only way I get the 2 new kitties in the house to show they are still alive and come out to see us. I cant be looking under couches for the next 20 years can i?

Anonymous said...

You see a catnip-addicted cat on top of a dog, on a tricycle. I see a cat with talent.

I think catnip should remain legal. If certain cats are overcome with desire for it, that is their issue.

I can stop any time I want!

Anonymous said...

You go Will, I mean Zeus.

Anonymous said...

we agree wif you on the clofs and the animal nooky, but Sammy would flip out if nip was illegal.

Eric and Flynn said...

Well we are with you on #1 and2, but#3???? No way Jose, or Will or Zeus.

Jess said...


Derby said...

One and two are OK, but three? Outlow catnip?

Lilize said...

how's my fave cat doing? ;D

thank you for checking back after such a long time!!!

well, i think life will be nicer now... calmer and so.

anyway, are those goals set for a year or a life-time?

good luck with the pornography thing... haha sex is overrated...

Anonymous said...

Oh Zeus

NO Catnip?
Now dat wood be a crime....

Haley-O said...

Zeus you are FABULOUS! Your goals are purrrrfectly purrrrfect. Clothes on pets are totally demeaning. Please don't try to prohibit my catnip!

xo Minden-O

Anonymous said...

I am quite impressed by your goals, Zeus. Especially #1, since an attempt was made to fit me into a Halloween outfit. This attempt will probably never be made again, I'm happy to report.

Wonderful writing!

Anonymous said...

I'm with you Zeus! I HATE wearing clothes! And this animal pornography is just unfair! Taking pictures of animals when they're getting friendly in what they thought was the privacy of their own forest, or savannah.

As for nip. It's not that great, but Grumpybutt is definitely a nip head and look how grumpy he is! Except when he's on the nip! A CLEAR sign of withdrawal pains! And Persephone! Oh MY! That girl gets a little nip and ALL inhibitions are gone!!!

You just let me know what I can do, Zeus!

Anonymous said...

What is nice is that we still have some freedoms and enjoying our nip is one of them. Yippee!!! Nippy!!!

Anonymous said...

What is nice is that we still have some freedoms and enjoying our nip is one of them. Yippee!!! Nippy!!!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Sadly, I must agree with #3, Zeus. As a member in good standing of Catnip Anonymous, I feel I'm making progress in kicking my habit.

As to your other excellent points, have you considered being Chey's running mate? These would be wonderful topics for the presidential debates.


Anonymous said...

My cats are total catnip junkies. I try to control their intake, but I just can't resist giving in now and then. I know, I know. I'm a bad kittie mom. But it makes them so happy!

Congratulations on being a runner-up, by the way!

kanishk said...

Glad you liked the bouncing balls on my blog :-) I now have a clip showing how they did it!
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