Some of you readers might know that I can be a bit of a prankster when I want to be. Who can forget the time when I lured Blackie into the bathroom so he could give the human pet a nice shower surprise? It takes skill to actually get someone to follow you around the house with such blindness that he never sees it coming. Then, of course, there was the time when I managed to get Blackie drunk. That poor kitty still begs and pleads for more carbonated kitty water. Now, it's nightly entertainment to watch him open up the refrigerator and stumble out with a few bottles.
However, the best prank I have ever done has nothing to do with my friend, Blackie. It was with my sister, Isis. Now before you get upset, reader, please understand: My sister is too easy a target to let alone. If you were here in this house, you would probably be drawn to her gullible nature like bees to honey.
It all started as we gathered in the living room to watch television one evening. The human pet was laying on the couch, Isis was snuggled on the loveseat, and I was perched high on the back of the same couch as my sister. We were observing commercials when suddenly, flashing lights and bright wording zoomed onto the screen. I glanced over to the human pet to see if she knew what it all meant, and she reached for the remote, muttering, "Stupid Lotto Texas."
As the human pet felt around the table and underneath the couch for the remote, I watched as two homo sapiens stood behind a machine filled with bouncing, white balls. One of the humans excitedly said, "Tonight's drawing is for over thirteen million dollars. Let's see what lucky numbers are going to bring this jackpot to life!" The other human reached into the machine and pulled out a ball while the speaker announced what number was on it. They continued in this fashion five more times, and at the end, both humans stated that they "hoped you were a winner!"
After the lottery ended, I let out an intrigued purr as I laid on the couch. The wheels in my mind began turning as a plan was being concocted. I wonder...no, it's almost too easy...I couldn't...oh, what the hell...
A week later as the lotto was about to come on, I casually padded back into the bedroom and with a soft touch, turned on the television. I jumped off of the bed to see if either of my adversaries had noticed the noise, but the human pet and Isis both remained in the living room, unaware of my movements. Turning my attention back to the television, I mimicked the scratchings of the human pet and brought up the menu for the TiVo.
"Would you like to record this showing?"
"Oh yes. Very much so."
Day two of my operation was harder than the first. I entered into the computer room to create the final piece in my puzzle and slid into the chair. I opened up Microsoft Paint, created the proper size box, harnessed the power of the text box, and added a bit of coloring to the side. I was careful to place the numbers exactly in the correct order. It was perfect! I hit print and snatched my masterpiece. Before anyone could spot me, I ran into the bedroom and hid it under the bed.
It was hard to keep my cool until ten o'clock that night, but somehow, I managed. As the time drew closer, I casually padded my way up to Isis who was curling up in her pet bed. "Psst! Psst! Psst!"
Isis' eyes blinked several times, and she rubbed at her nose. "What is your problem?! Stop spitting on me!"
"I need you to come to the bedroom with me. It's an emergency!"
"You know, Mama told me about how boys use these stupid lines on you to get you into bed, and guess what, Zeus? I'm not falling for it!"
I hung my head and sighed. Isis was a special kind of stupid which required a special kind of tactic. "Look: I just need you to come back there for one moment. I'm having problems getting one of our toy mice from under the bed, and you're smaller than me. Would you be able to get it for me please?"
Isis went into a deep, long stretch and said, "I suppose, but you're going to owe me." I followed her back into the bedroom with a smirk.
As Isis looked under the bed for the nonexistent mouse, I leapt onto the covers and flipped through the various recordings until I found the one of the lottery. I let it play as I tucked the falsified lottery ticket nonchalantly into the sheets. I then sat back on my haunches, waiting patiently.
"I can't find it. Are you sure you lost it down here?"
Just then, the loud cacophony accompanied by the flashing lights began. It was time.
"Did you hear me? I said I can't find it."
"I think you better get back up here."
"What is your problem, chunky butt?! You ask me to come in here, and then you tell me that -"
"Isis, I really mean it! Get up here now!"
Isis crawled out from under the bed and jumped on top of the covers. The numbers began streaming across the screen, and I left my jaw wide open in disbelief. Isis looked at the television with a tilt of her head and then turned her gaze on me.
"What? It's just the lottery," she said.
I pointed at the card tucked away in the sheets. As Isis flicked it out from under its confines with her claws, I paused the recording, leaving the numbers lined up across the screen. Isis read the numbers and then looked at the screen. Her eyes grew large, and once again, she checked each number and confirmed it with the screen.
"HOLY MOTHER OF CATFISH! WE WON! WE WON!"
She snatched the ticket in her teeth and leapt off of the bed, running as fast as she could into the computer room. I flipped onto my back, rolling with laughter. I didn't need to be in that room to hear what happened next.
"Isis, where did you find this?"
Isis apparently tried to tell the human pet the whole story, but unfortunately for her, all the human pet heard was meow, meow, meow!
"Isis, this isn't funny. It's a fake lotto ticket done with Microsoft Paint. Go play with Zeus or something."
As I lay on the bed with tears of laughter streaming down my face, Isis came back into the room. She stood in the doorway with an evil glare in her eye as she said, "I want you to know I hate you. I really, honestly, truly hate you." She turned and walked away with her tail straight in the air, attempting to recover some sense of her lost dignity.
All I could do was laugh harder.