Thursday Thirteen, Edition #29

Thirteen Reasons My Human Pet Won't Make Me My Own Pet Food
1. Certain foods have to be avoided from the recipes. No pork is a big one to keep in mind. Apparently, whether we realized it or not, felines are either Orthodox Jewish or Muslim. Who knew?

2. There will be no mixing of dog food ingredients. I apparently require more protein than most canines which translates into more money which translates into no filet mignon for me.

3. My human pet informed me that, "This was not Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous."

4. Overdoses of Vitamin A can be toxic, and well, if you know my human pet in even the slightest, then you know how terms such as "can be toxic" affect her, i.e., paranoid and anxiety-ridden to the point of paralysis.

5. Many cat food recipes can be found on the Internet. We all know how truthful the Internet can be.

6. Apparently, most of these recipes contain vegetables. I don't know about you, but the thought of consuming broccoli, cauliflower, or even brussel sprouts didn't sound appealing before so even with the scare of recalled food, it still doesn't sound appealing. I'd consider it if there were cheese sauce to be had.

7. Unfortunately, because I have been unable to kill several mosquito hawks and one frog that came into The House, there will be no custom cat food.

8. Use of garlic salt seems high on the list of spices for homemade pet food. I have no interest in garlic or salt. Whatever happened to plain old meat, raw and dripping?

9. When I persisted she make me my own food, she exclaimed, "You'll eat what I put in front of you, and you'll like it."

10. There was also the infamous line of, "If you don't want to eat it, you can starve for all I care."

11. I personally enjoyed the argument that since I was named for a god, I should summon my own food. Note to human pet: Just because I have the name does not mean I have the power.

12. My human pet also pointed out that she would not "pimp my bowl."

13. "I don't have time for that." This is her go-to answer when I question her. I'll remember that the next time she wants me to make time for her.

Idioms in action

I am proud to say I have figured out another fabulous homo sapien idiom. I actually had the marvelous opportunity to witness first hand why this quaint piece of figurative language had earned its delightful connotation. I don't think many people could make such a claim.

Such was my epiphany, that I heard Elton John singing in my head, only his infamous tune sounded more like, "That's why they call it the runs."

At around seven o' clock last evening, my human pet decided it was time to educate me in the ways of the runs. Apparently, when a homo sapien has the runs, she grabs her midsection and lets out beleaguered cries of agony, similar to when we cry for food. She rolls on the couch to and fro, almost like when we felines decide to roll from side to side on our backs along the floor.

But this is not what gives the term its name.

You must then run back and forth (And by back and forth, I mean between living room to bathroom or bedroom to bathroom or den to bathroom. Other combinations are possible, but it is dependent on the degree of runs one has versus the distance between the two points. One can calculate the degree of runniness with the following equation: 2x / y where x represents the amount of food you have eaten divided by y or the amount of medication you have attempted to take. You can then divide your answer by the distance between the two points to figure out the percentage of likelihood that you will make it to the bathroom in time.) from the couch to bathroom wailing profusely and muttering repeatedly, "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God."

When finished with your mystery business in the bathroom, you then crawl back to your couch, gripping your midsection tighter. Wait fifteen minutes. Rinse and repeat.

That's all there is to it apparently.

Now if only all that running accomplished something...

X-...err, Z-man

You Are Wolverine

Small but fierce, you're a great fighter. Watch out! You are often you're own greatest enemy. Powers: Adamantium claws, keen senses, the ability to heal quickly

Of course I'm Wolverine, Bub. You think I got these claws for nothin'?

Which of the X-Men Are You?

Le Bones sends inspiration!

I don't know about you, but I love getting gifts! On Saturday, I helped the human pet open the mail, and lo' and behold, there was a beautiful card from Le Bones. On the cover of the card, it had a group of nuns, all smiling for the camera with the words, "They know who you are..."

When you opened it up, the message inside read, "They know who you are, and that's why they're praying for you."

Isn't that sweet? Le Bones hired a group of nuns in the land of New Hampshire to pray for me! So precious...

But that wasn't all.

She apparently thought I had an odor problem as well. I guess I must stank pretty fierce for one to notice all the way in the land of New Hampshire; however, I don't know where to put this new item. You see, she sent me a Cat Butt Air Freshner.

Does this mean I hang it on my tail and drag it around the house?

Do I put it over the litter box?

Do I hang it in my human pet's closet to stomp out the fragrance in there?

Where do you think I should put it?

Don't cross the blue dragon.

I'm frightened for my life.

There were strong gusts in our area last evening, and for some reason, the satellite for our home stopped working. The human pet sat down and decided to watch one of three DVDs she had rented: Eragon. As the movie played, my pet's face was so comical that, at first, I thought the film might just be a comedy. But when I saw the big, blue dragon on the screen, all thoughts of comparing and contrasting to the classic Puff the Magic Dragon escaped me.

"About the only thing they got right with this movie was that there was a boy named Eragon, and he had a dragon named Saphira," she exclaimed in frustration when the movie finished.

I kept my paws crossed that the television might work since two hours had passed.

The human pet went for the remote and attempted to turn it on. A blue screen popped up, stating there was no signal.

Hmm. Odd. Eragon had a blue dragon. We had a blue screen. Coincedence? I thought not.

This morning, when the human pet woke up, she checked the television again. A blue screen still appeared.

I'm not leaving this house even if my very life depended on it. Forget that!

Note to self: Even though Eragon might be a stinky movie, take no chances and keep your opinions to yourself lest you wish to have your satellite stolen by an angry blue dragon named Saphira.

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #28

Thirteen Cat Foods on the List for Recall

1. Eukanuba
2. Iams
3. Science Diet Feline Savory Cuts Cans
4. Nutriplan
5. Hill Country Fare
6. Authority
7. Nutro Max Gourmet Dinners
8. Special Kitty, Canada and USA
9. Winn Dixie
10. Loving Meals
11. Food Lion
12. Wegmans
13. Presidents Choice

For a full listing of cat and dog foods which have been affected, please click here.

Could Zeus be off to the Land of Morning Calm?

While on Spring Break, I noticed the human pet studying some rather interesting symbols. I had never seen these before, and so I took note of them:

너가 이는 까 라고 여보세요

When I asked the human pet what it said, she said it meant, "Hello. How are you?" I then asked her what language it was, and she said she was teaching herself Hangul: the native alphabet of the Korean language and official script for both South and North Korea.

Raising an eyebrow, I inquired, "Why are you teaching yourself? Are we planning on going there?"

"Well, it's possible. However, it's just as possible that we go to Japan or China, even Taiwan or Thailand."

I sat back on my haunches and looked at her blankly. "You're serious?"

"Yes, Zeus. I'm serious. There's plenty of opportunities out there for someone with my background, and once graduate school is finished, it'd be nice to have some sort of game plan. I'm just investigating which country I think is best." It was then I noticed two books on Korean culture and history sitting beside her.

She was serious. She'd started reading.

Since having this conversation with my pet, I have mentally resigned myself to becoming an international diplomat. I suppose I would make a good choice for such a task, but I never thought it would be thrust upon me. I have a few years yet so I think I can come to acceptance by then.

On a different note, though, if anyone who reads this blog has any knowledge as to what materials exist for practicing the actual writing of Hangul, please send me an email. (It's one thing to be able to read it and another to actually write it!) Through various searches for my pet, I have located minimal resources at best.

Another bothersome detail is that there are no local programs for teaching the Korean language. If you know of any program (either sponsored by a college or through a faith community of some sort) within the Houston area or recommend any language software for learning, please send me an email as well.

Spring flings Zeus' heart

Hello again, dear readers,

I know. It's been a long time since I last posted; however, I am sure you found it as necessary as I did. Spring Break was my only opportunity to locate the woman known as Tany. I looked high along the cupboards and low along the baseboards. Not a single corner was left unnoticed by my steeley glance.

In the end, I am sad to report that I did not locate her within The House.

Yes, that's right. The House. While the rest of the world was out living it up on the coasts of Cancun, the Bahammas, and the Florida Keys, I was here in gorgeous and luxurious Houston. I had logically concluded that Tany must have known this aspect of my lifestyle, i.e., that I never leave The House, and that she was alright with it. Hence, she must have been located in The House.

Consider it the fruitless eHarmony scavanger hunt that it was. I don't know why I am prey to these naive pursuits.

Forgive me?

My Visual DNA

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Postcards from the edge

I think this needs no extra help in making you laugh

Some of you might remember how I signed up for eHarmony and tried to find feline hotties online. I was devastated when I found out that the company was only for human mates, and I threw my hopes down the drain. However, that didn't stop one interesting human female from making contact with me:

Ave, my friend,

I am looking for a man. I want to get married and to live happily. Life is passing by and I am looking at it like from the window of amoving train... I feel lonely in my heart... this loneliness iscausing pain to me... I know only one remedy - it's love... love thatonly a man can give to a woman...What about me? I am good looking, kind, attentive, caring... maybe you'll ask why I am lonely then?... I'll tell you! My life was hard here, in my country, I am disappointed with men here and with life in this country... I feel my second half is not here... Maybe it's you?If you wish to get to know me...

Looking forward to hear from you soon

Tany

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #27

For all the haters, I dedicate this Thursday Thirteen to you!

Thirteen Things Stupider Than Cat Blogging

1. Teens "made" a two-year-old and a five-year-old smoke pot.

2. Scientists study caged lesbian koalas in Australia

3. Captain America is killed by a sniper in the latest edition of the comic.

4. Lindsay Lohan is still a diva after rehab.

5. Prepare for a second season of America's Got Talent with Jerry Springer as its host.

6. The fact that Ms. Pac-Man makes headlines.

7. Female teachers who sexually abuse their students receive, in most case, only a slap on the hand.

8. Charla Faddoul from The Amazing Race: All-Stars Edition

9. Astronauts who fall in love for all the wrong reasons, carry plastic tubing, and wear Depends for travel purposes.

10. You can actually sue spammers and win.

11. Dolce & Gabbana attempt to use gang rape to sell fashion.

12. Forget that honeymoon! A recently wed groom attempts to run over his new bride.

13. Tranquilized moose are still able to bring down helicopters.

Do not poke me while I am all vulnerable-like and exposed!

Ariel decided I needed to share of myself with the blogosphere. Without further ado, I bring you this nameless meme:

A. Name four places you have lived

1. Foster home
2. PetSmart
3. Apartment complex
4. The House

B. Four things I love to watch

1. The Dresden Files
2. Lost
3. The Amazing Race
4. Survivor: Fiji

C. Four places I have been outside my home

1. My next-door neighbor to the left
2. My next-door neighbor to the right
3. My neighbor across the street
4. Dr. Jennifer Rodriguez's office (aka HELL)

D. Four websites I visit daily

1. Memoirs of a Feline Empress
2. If You Read No Other Blog This Year
3. Radioactive Jam
4. Hello, Ms. Mia

E. Four of my favorite foods

1. Tuna
2. Salmon
3. Shrimp
4. Leftover chicken bones

F. Four places I would rather be right now

1. Competing in The Amazing Race: All-Stars
2. Snuggling with the models from Deal or No Deal
3. Demonstrating my intellectual prowess on 1 vs. 100
4. Making mad, crazy sexytime with Halle Berry

G. Four toys I have owned and played with

1. My human pet
2. Isis
3. Various cat wands
4. Various feather-tailed mice

H. Four nicknames people call me

1. Hey Zeus...or Jesus for short
2. Fat ass
3. Beast
4. Zoo, I, whatever your name is

I. Regarding catnip

I don't do it. It doesn't do me. End of story.

J. Regarding cat grass

What the...? There's genetically engineered grass just for felines? I'm suspicious.

K. First things I buy after winning the lottery

1. Demand a remake of The Amazing Race: All-Stars with myself and my running partner, Kukka-Maria included.
2. Get my human pet a much needed new ride.
3. Buy the entire Eukanuba company and thus, reduce their outrageous prices.
4. A plane ticket for California to make mad, crazy sexytime with Halle Berry.

L. Four things I do besides eat sleep and litter box

1. Read. Read. Read.
2. Go on safari hunts.
3. Complain things are not how I want them.
4. Leave permanent bruises on my human pet's forehead.

M. Four things I want to do this summer

1. Help the King of Cars sell some cars in Vegas.
2. Earn my Ph.D. online.
3. Possibly hold my second season of The Amazing Zeus.
4. Raise money for charity with Blogathon.

N. My four most prized possessions that have limited value to anyone else

1. My food bowl
2. My throne
3. My stash of milk jug rings
4. My treasure of ponytail holders

O. What I am going to do before tomorrow

Sleep. Was that a trick question?

P.Which of the following is your favorite place to hide and play

I don't hide. Period. You always know where I am. You will probably hide from me, but no worries: I'll find you.

Q. Four other pets that Mommie has had with me

Umm, Isis, and that's about it.

R. Four furiends I tag to respond

Anyone who feels like participating! I tag you, and you, and you, and you!

Why look who's in my family tree...

My good friend, Ayatollah Mugsy, recently found his own celebrity heritage by visiting My Heritage Beta. Needless to say, I just had to find out if I was related to anyone interesting as well. I'm fairly sure this will give me an advantage now with Kukka-Maria since I finally have proof that I am related to George Clooney! Though, if I must say, Kevin Richardson and Trent Reznor ain't too shabby either!

(I suppose Trent Reznor should have been a gimme considering he wrote a song proclaiming how he would want to "do things" like an animal, but that's neither here nor there...)

Take that, Tomcat Stable! Not only am I going to get two nights a week with the illustrious Empress, but I'm also moving up to the penthouse suite! Beat that!

Wait a minute...

The human pet says these aren't relatives. They're look-alikes.

Sigh...

Well, maybe I could still get that penthouse suite? What do you think?

Wooing Females, Tip #1

I've tried Axe Body Spray, guitar rifts, and even eHarmony to secure a female's attentions, but this time, my fine tomcats, I think I have found the ultimate guarantee for landing that oh-so-special-someone.

Do you doubt me? You should not.

What I am about to tell you will revolutionize the way you approach your everyday lives. You will be astounded, amazed, and dare I say, speechless. I sense you still don't believe me, but no worries: I didn't believe it either when I first heard about...

Neuticles!

You heard how Stella got her groove back? Well be prepared to get your balls back, my fellow testicle-challenged toms! With Neuticles, you could be a swinger - literally and figuratively! For just $99.00, you can have a pair worth bragging about, and believe me, it's well worth the investment.

Let's just take a look at what some recently implanted tomcats are saying:

"I used to cry at night wondering where my balls went, but now, with Neuticles, I know exactly where they are."

- Popeye from Topeka, Kansas

"It's freakin' fantastic that I can't sit down!"

- Lucky from Juneau, Alaska

"Who cares if I'm shooting blanks? Only I know for sure!"

- Mr. Wiggles from Grand Rapids, Michigan

Still not convinced that this is for you? What if I told you that you didn't need to settle for average feline testicles? Imagine life with a pair of bull balls hanging between your legs! You could be quite the tom about town with your new and improved Neuticle 5.75 inch bull testicle implants, and you'd only be spending $649.00 for the pair!

Sure, walking would be difficult, but WHO CARES?!?

The company guarantees that:

• The texture and firmness of Neuticle Naturals were crafted based on the firmness of actual animal testicles.


• Neuticles replicate the testicle in actual size, shape, weight, and feel.


• Over 100,000 pets have been neutered with Neuticles in all 50 states and 32 countries worldwide by over 9000 veterinarians without a single reported complication when implanted as directed.

You have absolutely nothing to lose, and everything to gain! Just remember: When your human pet tells you that she could probably donate $649.00 to a local animal shelter and make more of a difference, you remind her that she should have thought about that before taking your manhood away from you! She won't have anything to say once you hit her with that massive guilt trip.

It's a small price to pay for the wrong committed against you.

Make things right. Get Neuticles, and feel like a tom again.

No one's been crueler than I have to me.

"We judge others by their behaviors.

We judge ourselves by our intentions."

Ian Percy

Satire is a lost artform within the writing community. Most present attempts that claim to be of the genre often fall into the realm of witty banter or mere sarcasm with bite. To find a truly excellent example, one has to search back through history to find the first V for Vendetta. Francois-Marie Arouet, better known as Voltaire, was a master of the pen, and his writings reflect a vivacious vigor for critiquing the Catholic Church and the French government. He challenged the world and made polemics cool and hip.

I'd like to think, that on occasion, The Zeus Excuse touches upon some of that fine, literary excellence.

Of course, on most days, this blog is sitting in the far, cold end of Voltaire's satirical genius' afternoon shadow: Small and insignifcant, like a pebble in a course, unpaved road.

That, however, does not mean that this pebble can't be scratched, chipped, or even broken.

When I initially proposed the concept of the Miss Litterbox contest to my friends, they found it to be truly original. Here was a chance to poke fun at what I found to be a ridiculous and absurd practice in today's society: The beauty pageant circuit. I loathe the idea of women being reduced to mere dolls, paraded about for the enjoyment of others, and then rewarded for the popular perceptions of a collective few.

The message these pageants send to young girls in our society is disturbing, and thus, worth mocking.

Having the support of my friends (who will always remain the best sounding board for my writing!), I went ahead and decided to try the idea as a contest. At first, I admit, I was a little worried when so few people participated, but I chalked that up to the fact that there were fewer female cat blogs than there were male blogs. Nonetheless, the contest went off without a hitch, and I found the whole thing to be a big success.

I had taken my proverbial stick and stuck it in the face of those corporate beauty pageants with their high-end sponsors and their waife wenches.

Nevermind the fact that not one of them had read what I wrote. I knew I had said it! That's all that mattered!

However, all tragic characters have their tragic flaw. Isn't that what your 10th grade English Literature teacher taught you back in the day? Well, in my case, that flaw can be summed up as an obsessive need to please. Plain and simple. Blame it on the fact that I'm the oldest of five children in a traditional Italian-American family.

I saw the comments regarding how other cat bloggers had felt left out of the fun of the initial competition, and I took a real interest in this. I hadn't wanted for people to feel as if they were being shunned or ignored. I wanted as many people as possible to walk away with a good time out of these events.

This time, though, the end result of the contest left only bitter feelings of disgust, hurt, and embarassment for many people, myself included.

Somehow, I hear my mother right now saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

I also hear Rodney King asking me, "Can't we all just get along?"

It seems I hear a lot of things, but that's beside the point.

If you, the reader, wish not to return to this blog over this incident, I can't say I blame you. In fact, the discussion in my little corner of the world for the entire morning revolved around whether or not to continue The Zeus Excuse as my satirical, sarcastic, and outlandish outlet. To say I was hesistant about writing this post does not even touch the feelings I had about it, and yet, I knew that if I was going to continue with this project of mine, I would have to be vulnerable and release this from me, if only through writing.

At the end of the day, I only wished to provide a unique look at something that occurs in today's society. I had hoped it would open people's eyes to the behaviors and trends we see around us. I hadn't meant for what did happen, and I can promise you, reader, that I will have learned from this when next you decide to stop by for a brief jaunt.

Marina

Outcome

To say we of The Zeus Excuse had a headache last night is an understatement.

After consultation with the legal department, the Dalai Lama, and the consumption of many beers we will be awarding both Beau and Skeezix as co-winners of Mr. Litterbox 2007.

Please send me your information through email.