Katz: A Name You Can Trust

Dear Mrs. Molly Katz,

Hello there! I am writing you to express my deepest appreciation for writing 101 Reasons to Dump Your Man and Get a Cat. You see, Mrs. Katz, I have been struggling with a rather intense situation for some time now, and your latest book was simply a godsend.

It was about three years ago when The Future Mate entered my life. He worked, went to school, took my human pet out for fun evenings, and even cooked for her. As the two of them began dating, though, I noticed my human pet slowly pulling away from me. At first, I let her get by without feeding me every morning. Then, it was every two days or so to clean the litter box. However, when the treats were in short supply because she had forgotten to buy some due to her evening out with The Future Mate, I had had enough!

I tried reasoning with her and showing her how much better I was. I attempted to display my powerful purr, my mighty headbutt, and my action-powered tailwhip ability. I nudged, rubbed, and stroked at her habitually. I even nibbled on her hand when she would pet me to show her I was the better species.

Three years later, though, I finally have the proof I need to convince her to lose The Future Mate and come back to me! It is all thanks to you, Mrs. Katz! I never thought about pointing out to my human pet that she doesn't need to call her girlfriends to analyze what I said. I hadn't even considered the fact that she doesn't need to remind me about using deoderant or how I will never use her toothbrush. You are also brilliant in suggesting the idea that I keep her company in the bathroom. The Future Mate would never do that! Ha!

Your book, Mrs. Katz, is simply a blessed gift to the feline community. So many of us are struggling to be rid of our homo sapien male competition. We have tried for ages to tell our loving female human pets that they would be better off without those males, but for some reason, they don't listen to us. (I suspect this is only due to the language barrier. Perhaps your next book could be Cat-o-nese as a Second Language.) With one of their own now reaching out to them through the pages of this book, I know our feline lives will only become better.

In honor of your fantastic book and its release on October 31, I will be presenting a contest for my readership so that I can spread your gospel to the far reaches of this world. Mrs. Katz, your message of hope cannot be kept a secret!

Thank you once again for your wonderful book, and may God bless you for revealing the truth we felines have known all along.

Sincerely,

Face to the paw style

Deep in the Forbidden Valley of the Shadow,

One stands cloaked by morning mist, dew clinging to his garments.

He surveys the battleground, proud and unafraid for he is...

TINY NINJA!

"Face to the paw style! How you like it?"

Happy Halloween everyone!

The annual exam

I'd love to tell you what a fantastic weekend I had, but no, it wasn't that way at all. In fact, it was downright horrible. I'm just so glad to have it all behind me; however, I suspect there's more to come.

First, we all had to wake up at 6:00 in the morning on Saturday. I had no idea why until I saw the carriers come out of the garage. "You woke me up for this? To go to the vet's? Are you serious?" I queried. This led to being chased all around the house until the human pet caught both Isis and myself.

"I lick you. I bathe you. I purr against you. This is what you do to repay me? Why? Why do you do this to me, human pet?" I lamented.

Isis, on the other hand, released a vile string of expletives.

We arrived for our appointment at 8:00. There was some crazy Dachsund in the lobby - not to be confused with the really awesome Dachsunds at Dachsies Rule! - who kept trying to choke on his leash. I hadn't thought he had any will to live as he did it repeatedly. Then he said to me with a glazed look in his eye, "I need to go wee-wee! I need to go wee-wee! Help me! Help me! I need to go to wee-wee!"

It all became clear to me. Crystal.

Dr. Rodriguez met with us. She could be a really nice lady if she weren't a vet. I was more than a tad cranky with her. I didn't let her weigh me, and I certainly hadn't like the pressure down on my lower section. She was not going to look in my ears, and when she started poking at my gums, that was the last straw. She's lucky she got a blood sample from me!

Apparently, I need to have a dental procedure immediately. Yeah...like I'm going to let that happen.

Isis, on the other hand, submitted gracefully. (That was shocking!) They weighed her, put the pressure on her, and gave her annual shots. When Dr. Rodriguez came back in, though, she told all of us that Isis was overweight! I laughed and laughed, but then she said I possibly was too. I cried and cried.

Now, Isis and I are limited to one can of wet food per day. We have to split it between the two of us. We get one fourth of dry food now too if we bug the human pet too much. I don't know how much more I can take even if it has been two days!

My life was fine until you stepped in, Dr. Rodriguez. I hate you.

My committment to my readers

It's no secret that I have not had much to offer the blogosphere as of late. I'm not surprised if you, the reader, have moved on to bigger and better blogs. I admit that it hurts, but if I were in your paws, I'd probably have said my good-byes long ago as well.

However, as a firm believer in the power of self-reflection and examination, I sat down with myself and had a long, thought-provoking plunge into my psyche:

Self, why can I not become inspired to write the beautiful, intriguing pieces of witty banter as I did three months ago?

Well, Zeus, it's because your human pet has been on the computer for what seems like forever.

True, Self, but I think that excuse only carries one so far.

Perhaps it's because you're horny? You know...being a male cat, you have needs.

Really, Self? Even if I have had the hoohah-ectomy? You think that's it?

Abso-freakin'-lutely.

For the sake of my blog and its readers, I decided I needed to find a femme feline, and I needed to find her now. If I didn't do something about this growing problem, I could possibly be looking at falling to the bottom of every blog list imaginable. I couldn't waste anymore time!

I decided to do my research by visiting Become A Player's website. They have a fabulous listing of online articles that cover a wide variety of subjects such as how to cure your fear of women, how to let women know you're available, and conversational strategies. I was very intrigued by the last article's title so I decided to read this one in-depth.

I noted all of the major points:

1. It REALLY doesn’t matter WHAT you talk about, so long as you make it interesting. I've said this again and again, but let me stress it now: you can talk about ANYTHING, and it will be okay.

2. The Golden Silence is as good as The Golden Tongue.

3. Pick a key word from her conversation and riff off of it.

It was then that my Self spoke up:

You know what would be a good idea? You should call someone for practice! You definitely shouldn't attempt this without practicing. Why not call one of those phone numbers you see on the television all the time?

I don't know, Self. Don't those cost money?

Sure, they do, but the human pet won't find out about it for at least a month. Whatever happened to taking care of Number One?

Self, you're right. Sometimes, it has to be about me.

I went to the phone and pawed in the digits for one of the more popular numbers: 1-900-HOT-BABE. I was met by a recorded message telling me about all of the wonderful and helpful ladies I would be interacting with, and it was followed by a prompt that asked me if I was over 18. I hit the pound key to confirm, and I was immediately connected to a very nice and friendly lady named Jigglin' Jill.

"Hey there, sexy. Wanna know what I'm wearin'?"

I decided to try Point #1 first: "Hello to you as well, Miss Jigglin' Jill. My name is Zeus, and I'm a handsome ginger boy from Houston, Texas. I'm a Capricorn, and I enjoy brisk runs through the living room, sunbathing, and naps on the couch. When I grow up, I want to - "

"Well, that's all fine and dandy, sweet thang, but don't you wanna know what I'm wearin'?"

I thought perhaps I was doing something wrong as she didn't seem impressed with anything I had said. I went to Point #2 instantly.

Three minutes passed.

"Excuse me? Are you there? Look, buddy, if you're just gonna purr into the phone, that's fine, but time is money here. You got some dirty fantasy you wanna play out, or do you want me to just keep on talkin' nasty to you?"

I followed up with what I took to be a rather intriguing riff off of her comments:

"My dirtiest fantasy actually isn't so dirty but involves something which is dirty. Perhaps you could come and clean my litter box sometime, Miss Jigglin' Jill."

"What a freak! You better understand me when I say that this conversation is over. I don't do that, let alone talk about it!"

Click!

I don't know that I can express my utter rejection in this regard. Apparently, the only thing I have going for me is my superb writing capability. Perhaps I should look into the intellectual strummings of Wordsworth, Keats, and Frost and learn a thing or two about romancing females the old-fashioned way.

I apologize to you, dear reader. I only tried on behalf of my neglect of you. Forgive me, and please bear with me as I attempt to rectify this dire situation.

Thursday Thirteen Edition #12

Thirteen Animal Horror Flicks 1. Pet Semetary - You should have known that cemetery was no good when the cat came back. Stupid humans... 2. Pet Semetary 2 - Still scary, but this time, thanks to Edward Furlong being in it! 3. Cujo - Good doggie! 4. The Birds - Stop looking at me, Mr. Cardinal! I know what you're going to do! 5. Jaws - You hum the theme song just because you read the word. 6. Congo - Primates gone wild! 7. Man's Best Friend - Good doggie, part 2 8. Arachnophobia - Perhaps the most frightening film for my human pet as she is deathly afraid of bugs. 9. Cat's Eye - Sweet, innocent Drew Barrymore: I'll be your tabby in shining armor! 10. Day of the Animals - See Leslie Nielsen as you have never seen him before...as a serious actor! (That, in and of itself, should frighten you.) 11. Sleepwalkers - Not very frightening, but we felines play a huge role in fighting off the vicious neighborhood shapeshifters! 12. Orca - The worst motion picture of all time. Period. 13. Snakes on a Plane - It's got action, terror, and Samuel L. Jackson. Do we need to say more? Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

My human pet is a freak

I'm just putting this out there for anyone who can offer me their opinions:

Is there something wrong with your human pet if she is able to fall asleep at night, watching Children of the Corn?

I'm a little worried to be honest. It kept me up all night!

Thank goodness The Amazing Zeus didn't take me into Nebraska. Who knows what would have happened to me?

And does this mean more scary movies will be coming out of the woodwork as the days approach Halloween?

Oh brother...

Pepnote

Human Pet,

You had literally little to no sleep this weekend. You have read, reread, and re-reread every single paper, page, and publication you could. Please, for the love of all that is holy, r-e-l-a-x and do well on your midterm. I think you are more than prepared.











P.S. Blackie and I will have the carbonated kitty water waiting for you when you come home.

Kitty Litter Cake

With Halloween approaching, why not think of this delightfully horrific cake? It's sure to make quite the impression on your guests!

Cake Ingredients:
1 box of Spice or German Chocolate cake mix
1 box of white cake mix
1 package white sandwich cookies
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix
12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent
A few drops green food coloring

Serving "Dishes and Utensils"
1 NEW cat-litter box
1 NEW cat-litter box liner
1 NEW pooper scooper

Directions:
1. Prepare and bake cake mixes according to directions in any size pan. Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in blender on food processor. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside.

2. When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy. Place the liner in the litter box and pour in the mixture.

3. Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable. Shape the blunt ends into slightly curved points. Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter the green crumbls lightly over top.

4. Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box. Heat the remaining Tootsie Rolls until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with the scooper. Enjoy!

Thursday Thirteen Edition #11

Thirteen Theories About Lost 1. Everyone is an animal - I saw nothing wrong with this one! 2. We can all live forever on the island! - Interesting, but has some flaws I'd like to see worked out. 3. Kate's choice - Will it be Jack? Will it be Sawyer? 4. Is Jack's Dad running around the island with nano-sized micro robots? 5. Did Locke's father con Sawyer's father? - Is this why Sawyer became the man he is today? 6. Are The Others sterile? 7. Just how long has Penny been searching for Desmond? 8. Better check the label - Hidden Easter egg on Sun's pregnancy test package! Time to break out Season 2 all over again! 9. Are Claire and Jack related? 10. Coincedence or serious clue - The name of The Others' dock will explain everything...or will it? 11. Did you see a UPS plane go by? - Just how is all of that fresh food getting to the island? 12. Horses, Sharks, and Polar Bears, oh my! - What is the deal with all of these animals? 13. Was Henry a part of the original Dharma Initiative? - It would explain just how stir-crazy he is! Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Scoop the Tabloids Contest

Are you the alien love-child of the Empress Kukka-Maria? Are you perhaps the Empress' biological father and are willing to take a DNA test to prove it? Maybe you want to let the whole world know about that one horrific night along the Las Vegas Strip, revealing all of the hot details concerning the Empress, the monkey, the bottle of cheap tequilla, and the mittens?

Or perhaps that's just my hot story...blush!

Nonetheless, The Empress Kukka-Maria is having a roaring fun contest all this next week. All you have to do is craft a story concerning she and you before the tabloids do. This is a fantastic way to get more visits to your blog, and best of all: The winner receives his/her choice of any Kukka designer tee from Kukka Couture!

So head on over there now to the Empress' Scoop the Tabloids Contest and may the biggest pile of bull-kukkah (pun intended) win!

Forgive and forget

Dear Blogger,

Sigh...

I had a Thursday Thirteen ready to go, but then you decided that even you would turn your back on me. I had all of fifteen minutes allowed to me by the human pet to post my beautiful creation, but no, it was not meant to be.

Blogger, why would you do this to me? I have been so faithful to you. I have been so loyal. Can you not see how my heart bleeds shades of tan and blue and occasionally white for you? What more can I do to appease you? What does it take to win your heart?

You hurt me, Blogger. You really hurt me. I expect this neglect from my human pet as of late, but not you. Not ever you. Don't you remember all of those nights when we snuggled together as the moonlight peeked through the blinds and highlighted my whiskers while I typed away along the keys? Precious memories like those don't come along very often.

Blogger, if we need to hug this out, I'm male enough to let that happen. Let's hug this out, Blogger, so that we both can move forward. I want to stop hurting inside, and I want to forgive you.

Come on now: hug it out.

The smallest of smallest luxuries

Yesterday, my friend, Colleen, informed the world that she found good, high-quality socks to be the smallest luxury. This got me thinking as to what my smallest luxury was, and I have decided that it is:

Ice!

When the human pet is careless enough to drop an ice cube onto the kitchen floor, I come running from the back of the house just to take a swat at it! There's nothing more pleasurable than the feel of slick, cool ice underneath your paw-pad. The only downside is that as I play with the ice, it melts between my paws. Occasionally, glistening puddles have been known to appear on the floor, and once or twice, the human pet has slipped on them. (Personally, watching her skate on liquid remnants of ice cubes is just a priceless bonus for having played with the ice.)

Pimp Names

I just received a phone call from my friend, Mr. Xzibit. He's too funny! He said to me, "Zeus, now that you got your pimped out litterbox, you need a new pimped out name." I told him I didn't think that was necessary, but he insisted.

"I don't even know what a pimp name is, Mr. Xzibit. Wherever will I find one? How will I know it is right for me? Isn't it against the moral code of humanity (and felinity) to name one's self?"

"Zeus-dawg, puhleese. All you's got to do is check out Playerappreciate.com. Those peeps will hook you up fo'real," explained Mr. Xzibit. "Once you gots the name, then you can accessorize with shades, hats, feathers, and cups!"

After much toiling, I have narrowed down my pimp name to three choices. However, as my loyal readers know, I enjoy your input immensely! Please vote for which name you prefer and tell me why if you could.

Your three choices:

A) Sugartastic Zeus Glide

B) Macktastic Zeus Flava

C) Funk Master Zeus Slick

Riddle me this

My human pet has been trying something...shall we say...interesting? I actually think it is more of an oxymoron myself, but she feels otherwise. I decided in an effort of fairness I would open it up to all of you so we can settle this once and for all.

The riddle is this:

If you decide to wake up every morning and follow Leslie Sansone and her Walking Off The Pounds regime, but you never move from your starting spot, is this really walking two miles?

The human pet says yes. I say no.

What do you think?

Pimp My Litterbox

"Yo, yo, yo G! Check it out! Today, we's comin' from H-town, U to the S to the A. We's about to go up an' surprise my boy, Zeus. He don't know it yet, but we's here to take care of a very special problem he be havin'. We's about to -"

[Cast and crew along with Xzibit thrust their fists at the camera in unison to each word as they shout:]

"PIMP - HIS - LITTERBOX!"

"That's right, holmes. C'mon and follow me whiles I creep on up to this here house."

[Xzibit knocks on the front door. He turns around to flash a big grin at the camera. After a few seconds, though, no one answers. A brief look of puzzlement flashes across his face, but he retains the smile as he wraps at the door harder. This time, a girl in her late-twenties opens it and peers out, confused and near speechless.]

"Um, yes?" she says, almost hesitantly.

"H to the u to the man pet?"

"Oh. my. god." [She gazes at all of the camera and sound crew with a wide-eyed expression.]

"We's here for the Z-man. Is he in da house?"

"Um...yeah..."

"You gonna let us in, mama, or just stand there?"

[The girl steps aside, and now, the camera displays the living room with its green slipcovered couch and loveseat. Residing on the back of the couch, sprawled out to his full length, is the man of the hour: Zeus]

"Zeus! My man! You wrote in, and we're here to answer the call. We's gonna make yo' litterbox superfly, dog! We's about to get crunk up in here!"

[The five year old litterbox is seen as it is brought from the garage out to the front lawn. Its dilapidated gray color has spots in some areas, and it is covered with scratch marks along the rim. Xzibit leans in and takes a deep whiff. He backs up, almost immediately, waving his hands in front of his face.] "Dayum! That there is one stank ass litterbox! We needs to pimp - this - out NOW!"

[In the driveway, the crew starts making upgrades to Zeus' litterbox while Xzibit shares his observations with the camera.]

"Times are tough for Zeus. How you get a litterbox like this for five years and not even try to upgrade? There's a lot of dirt on this here box, and my dude, Zeus, couldn't even spring fifteen bucks for a boxwash. It's like he got somethin' to hide. That's alright, though: We here to do it properly."

[Xzibit turns to Zeus who is laying sprawled out on the grass of the front yard.]

"So this baby got a name?"

[Zeus gives Xzibit an inquisitive look:] "I beg your pardon?"

[Xzibit chuckles and continues:] "I take it that it don't. What's up with all this dirt?"

[Zeus attempts to explain:] "Ah, well, it hides the scratches, dents, and my personal waste quite well."

[Xzibit lets out a good-sized laugh as he points at the camera repeatedly:] "See? I told you! I told you it was to cover somethin' up!"

[Xzibit leans over and pulls out some toilet paper from the dirt and holds it up to the camera. The paper seems to go on and on until a roll can clearly be seen.] "You changin' species on me, brother? What's up with this?"

"I accidentally knocked it into my box the other day while I was doing my thing, Mr. Xzibit. I just left it there for my human pet to use."

[Xzibit starts laughing as he turns the roll on its side to show the camera.] "Well, you sure know how to treat a lady right. [He points along the filthy edge.] "Look at all that dirt and stuff on the outside. He knows how to treat `em. Treat `em how they want to be treated. Treat `em right." [Xzibit laughs at his own humor.] "Alright Zeus. It's time for you to wait in the house, dog, while we's get this job done. We get you when we done."

[Thirty minutes later, the litterbox has been covered with a dark, black sheet. Xzibit brings Zeus out of the house for the unveiling.]

"Alright, Zeus. You ready, dog?"

"Yes, Mr. Xzibit, I'm ready."

[The curtain is unveiled, and Zeus' jaw nearly hits the pavement.] "I...I can't believe...how did you...?"

"Don't get all speechless on me, brother! Lemme show you whatcha got goin' on up in here now."

[Flashes of equipment are shown while Xzibit runs through the detailed list:]

"You got surround sound speakers around the interior of your box with amplifiers and three fifteen-inch Kicker subwoofers in the back for the ultimate bass experience!"

"You got superior air suspension underneath your box now. Just watch what this puppy can do!" [Xzibit flips a switch inside the litterbox, and the rear-end begins to bounce up and down.] "Oh snap! That is too damn sweet!"

"Let's not forget that fine lookin' paint job done by my boys at West Coast Customs. You'll be on fire while you sift the litter with those flames surrounding you!"

[Zeus can be seen tugging on Xzibit's pant leg.] "Excuse me, Mr. Xzibit?"

"Yeah, dog?"

"Did you include anything special for scooping my litter?"

"Did we ever, holmes! You got the deluxe, nitrous-powered, automatic, hydromatic, pneumatic, f to the a to the n to the tastic Super Pooper Scooper! You just press this button [Xzibit points it out to Zeus along the inside of the litterbox.], and you never need your human pet again!" [Xzibit leans over and whispers, "But don't be in the litterbox when you press it, dude, or else, you get scooped up the butt, and let me tell you: That shit is downright painful."]

[Xzibit turns to face the camera.] "Well, there you have it! Another satisfied customer! You got a litterbox holdin' you down? Then write to us here at Pimp My Litterbox, and perhaps I'll show up on your doorstep. Oh and Zeus?"

"Yes, Mr. Xzibit?"

[Xzibit hands him a set of keys (to God knows what) and leans over and pinches Zeus' shoulder and draws it back with smooth style.] "You just been pimped, dog!"

Housekeeping issues

While I wait for Ms. Winfrey to return my letter, I thought I would take a moment to address a few housekeeping issues:

1. You may have noticed that I have not been a good commentator as of late. I offer my sincerest apologies, but you must understand that it is not my fault. The human pet has been doing research on the computer nearly every night as she is preparing her proposal for her thesis. I really need to buckle down more on her selfish, it's-all-me attitude.

1a. However, Kukka-Maria demands that if I comment on no other blog for the day, I must comment on her's. Her rationale for such a request: "Enough about me. What do you think about me?"

2. There's no access pass needed to access the accessibility of this highly accessible blog. It's still all good.

3. Unfortunately, there won't be any cute, adorable, and precious babies on the site. Because she's too busy working on educational research, the human pet has no baby-making time.

3a. This just in: I have just been informed that it's because the human pet is not married that there is no baby-making happening.

4. There are still no teeny-tiny castles in The House. Though I try to discover new, exotic lands within my territory, I have found nothing.

If there are any other issues we need to discuss, feel free to e-mail me so I can hash those out as well. I am always open to your feedback and constructive criticism.

Zeus finds his spirit

Dear Ms. Winfrey,

My name is Zeus, and I currently live in Houston, Texas. I am quite familiar with your show, and I know that one of your mantras is to find your spirit. As I find your show very inspiring and heartwarming, I desired to do just that. I wanted to share my extraordinary journey of self-discovery with you, and hence, I write you this tale.

You have mentioned how to get rid of the "monkey mind", to stop being obsessed with rank and priviledge. This one was hard for me as I try very hard not to compare myself to other feline bloggers in the blogosphere, but I often find myself not measuring up. It was difficult to shed my obsession for Kukka-Maria, The Crew, The Meezers, and so many others. However, the comparing and contrasting needed to stop somehow as I was only hurting myself, and so I pushed forward.

I took your informative What Are You Hiding From Quiz to establish what was holding me back. Your advice was unbelievably spot on:

You deliberately "go blind" to significant aspects of your experience: maybe your own behavior, maybe someone else's, maybe both. Create a space and time for looking squarely at the truths you may be hiding from yourself. Group therapy or one-on-one counseling could make this easier and more effective.

So I decided to give myself the best therapy I knew how: a nap. It's amazing how much better everything is after you allow yourself a nap. I believe my human pet's mother may be onto something when she says, "Eat. Sleep. It will be better in the morning."

When I woke up, I knew the final thing I needed to accomplish was to discover what truths I had within myself. I was tired of listening to a barrage of stereotypes and innuendoes thrown on me by homo sapiens everywhere. I realized I had to take Life Coach Dr. Martha Beck's advice, and I had to come up with at least two to three little things I could say to myself every morning so I could remain true to myself. After some serious contemplation, I came up with the following:

1. I am infinitely precious.

2. I am worthy of being stroked and rubbed.

3. I am validated when I validate others.

What do you think, Ms. Winfrey? I have to say that after saying those repeatedly into the bathroom mirror, I only end up giggling. Is that not one positive aspect to all of this self-discovery: a renewed sense of humor?

I know that, thanks to you, my life has changed forever. I don't know what I would have done without you and your terrific show. I look forward to learning more about this intriguing process, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Thursday Thirteen Edition #10

Thirteen Things I Did Instead of Working on a Fabulous Thursday Thirteen 1. I spent the wee hours of the morning being the human pet's alarm clock, headbutting her repeatedly at 6:00 a.m. 2. I did some excellent stretches on the back of the loveseat. That was very relaxing! 3. I did my cardio work-out with Isis which consists of back-and-forth laps between the master bedroom and the living room. 4. I had guard duty for the backyard from noon to 3:00 p.m. 5. I investigated the contents of cups that had been left on the coffee table. I decided to knock a few over. 6. I shredded some important papers of the human pet's. 7. I picked through the garbage and pulled out the old tuna cans which still had remnants of tuna in them. I made those cans clean! Yum! 8. I went after the chicken bones as well, but those weren't as good as the tuna. 9. I took several baths throughout the day. I was even generous enough to give Isis one as well. 10. I played with the litter to the litter box. I made a nice piece of sandart for the human pet. 11. I prowled around the house looking for intruders. You never know when one of their kind might slip by you! 12. I sat in the blue, comfy, computer chair and spun round and round and round and... 13. When that was all finished, I went back to sleep. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Proof!

A-ha!

Proof that I just might be allergic to my human pet:

Are asthmatic cats allergic to humans?

What do you think about that, human pet?

Hypoallergenic felines...and homo sapiens?

Dear friends,

If you are a new reader to this blog, then you may not know that I am chronic allergy sufferer. Every year as the season changes, I sneeze, sniffle, and cough thanks to pollen, grass, and dust. I am sure there are probably other things I am allergic to, but I haven't discovered them yet. One thing I may be allergic to is my human pet. Don't laugh: it could be possible! After all, about 30% of all homo sapiens are allergic to felines so wouldn't it be logical to conclude that perhaps a similar percentage of felines are allergic to humans?

Hence, my interest in this latest article from The World News: Australia. Apparently, a San Diego based company named Allerca has genetically engineered the first hypoallergenic feline. His name is Joshua, and his birth was in response to human cat-lovers who unfortunately could not own felines due to their allergies.

(The last time I heard of a genetic experiment involving a creature named Joshua was back in the early 1990's thanks to a television show called Dark Angel. Joshua's life didn't seem to be all that great: he was engineered to have canine DNA and he had some interesting facial features as a result. He also wasn't that well received in the outside world, and most people shunned him for being different.)

I'm working right now on my letter to the scientists of Allerca. I'm wondering if I can send my human to them for upgrades so I no longer wheeze or break out in rashes when she is nearby. They could start by removing the protein she excretes that I am allergic to, and then while she's there, they might as well make other changes as well. I don't like the number of skin moles that appear on her arms and legs. I think she is too tall for me as I hate having to look up at her. Her feet also stink on occasion, and I suspect that would be an easy fix. Perhaps I'll have them look into aspects of her personality as well so that she can be made more obedient and more compliant to my demands.

After all: why stop at physical traits when we have more important aspects we need changed?

I'm average...sigh

Hello everyone,

I have recently been reviewed at Frog My Blog, and I don't think I ended up with too many wounds as a result. Unfortunately, there weren't too many comments pertaining to my writing which was what I was hoping for. The reviewer alluded to the fact that she hadn't read the entire front page. Overall, the critique ended up being a reflection of catblogging.

I suppose I have some work to do.

If you would like to read the review, click here.

Thursday Thirteen Edition #9

Thirteen Books You'll Find in The House 1. God: A Biography by Jack Miles 2. Our Lady of the Forest by David Guterson 3. The Brief History of the Dead by Kevin Brockmeier 4. Publication Manual of the American Psychological Association, Fifth Edition, by The American Psychological Association 5. Pooh and the Philosophers by John A. Williams 6. The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran 7. The Dogs of Babel by Carolyn Parkhurst 8. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey 9. The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A Leadership Fable by Patrick M. Lencioni 10. The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova 11. Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communication of the Dying by Maggie Callahan and Patricia Kelley 12. Wild Swans: Three Daughters of China by Jung Chang 13. Gods and Myths of Northern Europe by H.R. Ellis Davidson Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Wooing Females, Tip #87

As some of you may know, I am attempting to further my research into effective methods for obtaining female attention when your male essence is, shall we say, lacking. Recently, I came across an interesting discussion on a musicians' message board where the gentlemen involved were discussing guitar rifts which inspired female affections. I thought to myself, 'Self, this could be genius!'

I formed my hypothesis: Guitar rifts produce increased positive female attention for males. Of course, I believe in a multicultural, multispecies approach. With such concepts in mind, it was only fair to test out the guitar rifts on both my sister-only-because-she-lives-here-too, Isis, and my human pet.



The first song mentioned on the message board was Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin. I began to play the song for them, monitoring their responses closely. After three minutes, the human pet walked into the computer room and saw me sitting in her chair. She eyed me curiously, but then said with a chuckle, "The best part of this is when it's almost finished, Zeus. Fast forward already!" Clearly, she didn't understand how to conduct proper experimental research.

Isis, on the other hand, had fallen asleep within the first few chords.



I decided perhaps they needed something more inviting and tender than Robert Plant's shattering vocals. I decided I would try Eric Clapton's stirring and emotional Tears in Heaven. Who could deny the poignant way Mr. Clapton delivered supple vocals coupled by acoustic phenomenal pluckings? Only the truly hardest of hearts could be turned away by such a reverent and sweet lullabye such as this.

"What the [expletive] are you doing, Zeus? Since when do you use Windows Media Player? You better get your [expletive] down now! For the love of -..."

In stark contrast, Isis moved into her own rifts of somber snoring.

The human pet began to move towards me with that unique fire in her eye that indicated to me lines had been crossed. As she reached for me, I cast my nails firmly into the desk and raising my right front paw, I slapped down on the left mouse button to play the next song. I needed a miracle right now to calm the proverbial savage beast set upon me!

Click!



The strummings of the bass began, and shortly thereafter, they were joined by the clear chords of the electric keyboard. Robert Smith's unparalleled voice echoed off of the walls, and the human pet's fingers released ever so slightly from my fur. It was enough to allow me to escape to the floor for a better vantage point for observation.

As the melody streamed forward, the human pet's eyes closed softly and a delicate smile spread upon her lips. Her head bobbed from side to side as her hips swayed in front of the computer. Quietly with a hint of nostalgia, she sang along with Mr. Smith, and I noted a slight blush to her cheeks as the song continued. It was as if she had traveled to some secretive place that only existed in her mind.

Isis, of course, remained sound asleep.

When the song ended, the human pet let out a gentle sigh. She turned and gazed down at me as I lay on the floor. "It's a good thing you thought to play that one, Zeus. Too bad that was nothing more than a freaky coincidence," she said and walked out of the room.

Freaky coincidence? I think not.

As a result of my experiment, I have adjusted my original hypothesis ever so slightly: Guitar rifts "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure produces increased positive female attention for males. I highly suggest that all males reading this obtain a copy of this song and use it in conjunction with your current mating rituals.

Though should you get in some sort of trouble with your mate, you could always play this song as a means of escape.

Let's Make a Deal

It's around eight o'clock,
to your comfy couch I flock,
and I wait for you to sit down.

I climb on your lap
while you stretch for a nap,
flipping through channels absently.

But it's then that you see
that man named Howie,
and you sit up straight in your seat.

There's twenty-six ladies smiling,
and then Howie is dialing
to find out what the myterious Banker has to say.

Howie asks his infamous question,
hands steepled per his discretion,
and you wait anxiously for the response.

"No Deal?!" you scream and jump off the seat,
Into the air I fly, head over feet,
shot like a canon off of the couch.

This is why I do not like Deal or No Deal:
The screams, shouts, or squeals,
and also flying is just not my thing.

So let's make a deal:
You stay seated and simply clap
while I get cozy and take a nap.

Amazing Race 10 off to an amazing start

How exciting!

A new season of The Amazing Race 10 started last evening, and I couldn't be happier! As most of you know, Phil Keoghan is a good friend of mine, but even he did not prepare me for some of the twists and turns found in this episode! This season, it would appear that any couple can be eliminated at any point in the race - pitstop or not! Poor Bilal and Sa`eed, best friends from Cleveland, Ohio, found this out the hard way as they were eliminated midway through the first leg of the race. Vipul and Arti , the first Indian-American team ever to be on the show, were also eliminated when they arrived last to the pitstop.

As with every season, I try to figure out early who I think will end up winning the million. I have to say that this season is quite difficult. It might be easier to say who is not going to win like Tom and Terry, Rob and Kimberly, and of course, Kellie and Jamie. However, since no one remembers the names of these people in these types of shows, I'll use their pseudonyms: The Boyfriends, The Bartenders, and The Cheerleaders.

My team for the moment is Tyler and James, the recovering drug addicts turned models, who proved you can overcome adversity to get ahead.

I wonder if these new challenges such as scaling The Great Wall of China or eating fish eyes will be included in my new season of The Amazing Zeus.

I say yes to the fish eyes and no to the Wall!

Love is in the air, everywhere I look around

Just like Zeus received something weird in the mail, so did I:

Dear frosty Isis,

I am writing on behalf of my lovestruck kitty cat, Lim, who uses me to type up a political limerick blog and just to let you know--I have mentioned you, and Lim's hopeless crush on you, in a recent post.

Please don't mind--I don't think Lim expects a even a mere meow from you (he read your profile), and I believe no harm may be done by this adulation.

Keep up the blogging, Isis, say Hi to Zeus....and know that you have a devoted fan in Lim!


Jude Cowell (typist for Lim)

What is it with these secret admirers?! The last secret admirer I had turned out to be nothing more than a huge horrruuurggghh....excuse me....horrruuurggghh....ahem....hoax.

I hate when I get typist hairballs.

Look, Lim, I've said it once, and I'll say it again:

You must provide proof that you have been vaccinated for the following before we can even speak to one another:

Rabies
Feline Viral Rhinotracheitis
Feline Calicivirus
Feline Panleukopenia
Feline Leukemia
Feline Immunodeficiency Virus

Once you do that, I might allow you to take this to the next level: a letter in the mail.

Yum Yum! Veggie Boca Burgers are DELICIOUS!

Dear Zeus,

I came across your blog the other day, and I was really quite confused. At first, I saw your profile picture, and I thought, "Surely this isn't someone who thinks he's a cat." However, as I read the posts, I began to understand that you honestly do think you are a cat.

Zeus (whomever you really are), I hope you understand why I won't be linking to you. I just can't have crazy people represented on my blog. Don't comment again on my posts either. It's all too weird.

Sincerely,

Simon

P.S. What is it with your stupid signature anyhow? We all know that's not your paw. It was clearly made using Microsoft Paint.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Simon,

You claim to be confused, but I do believe I am the one more confused than you. You see, I am a cat, and I can't just stop being a cat. Believe me, I have tried! However, there just comes a point in your life where you have to accept who you are, and I have done that a long time ago. I wonder how comfortable you are in your own homo sapien skin, Simon.

Are you intimidated by my whisker humps? I realize they are quite large and manly, but I cannot help this part of my being. After all, I am a cat. Perhaps it is my long, striking tail that throws you into fits of jealousy? I hadn't figured you for tail-envy, but I can only assume that this might be part of the reason for this vicious assault. I am not a homophobe (a.k.a., a creature afraid of homo sapiens), but you seem to be a catophobe.

I don't know why you question whether or not I took out a stuffed kangaroo named Cangura in my living room or whether or not I really utilize the scientific method when it comes to my human pet. Is it so hard to believe that I might encourage a particular ceramic kitty named Blackie into a drinking spree or that I am knowledgable when it comes to chakras? Perhaps it's even harder to swallow that I am actually a world traveler, and I happen to know Phil Keoghan personally. I think you're simply jealous of my accomplishments, my accolades, my sheer tenacity, and of course, my intelligence.

If you choose not to link to me, then that is your choice. I don't recall asking you to link to me. I understand you have an image you need to maintain. In the wide world of blogging, my kind and I are like Veggie Boca Burgers presented in the line-up of McDonald's along with Big Macs and Quarter Pounders with Cheese. I know you don't have a place for me on your so-called menu, and that's ok. Sooner or later, though, you will have to make room for all the other crazies like me.

I'll help you out in advance. Title your blogroll: V.B.B. That way, no one will know you're associating with the mighty Veggie Boca Burger Blogosphere.

Sincerely,



P.S. The scanner I utilize regularly would not accept my plaster mold of my paw print, and I was forced to improvise. You caught me: I did use Microsoft Paint for my signature. I would like to think that it is a very close representation of my paw based on the original mold, but I can certainly upgrade it. Thank you for inspiring me, Simon!

Thursday Thirteen Edition #8

Thirteen Things To Do With Your Sick Human Pet 1. Rip apart her used tissues as she lays them in the basket next to the loveseat. 2. Lick at her face while the feverish sweat comes down her cheeks. 3. Listen to her ramblings concerning how hot Matthew Fox is while Season 2 of Lost plays throughout the day. 4. Listen to her ramblings concerning how hot Josh Holloway is while Season 2 of Lost plays throughout the day. 5. Continuously remind her she has a fever, and that she can never have Matthew Fox or Josh Hollway because they're stuck on some island in the middle of nowhere that is controlled by disturbed psychologists. 6. Convince her that she need not bother trying to come up with elaborate theories concerning the events and happenings of Lost since it's a television show. 7. Encourage her to shower so she doesn't stink up the living room. 8. Count how many cups of tea she has. 9. Lap up the remaining tea in the cups she leaves behind so none of it goes to waste. 10. Sit on her stomach and watch her squirm. 11. Headbutt her fifteen times in a row so she feeds you. 12. Cover your ears with your paws when the sonic booming of her sneezes erupts. 13. Purr and snuggle with her so she knows that even though she's sick, she's still beautiful to you. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Get down with the sickness

The Mama agreed to stay home, but she has been near delirious...or so it seems to me, and I think I would know since everyone tells me I am all the time anyhow.

She is burning up, and every part of her is covered in sweat.

What I don't understand is how she says she is cold, then hot, then cold, then hot. Make up your mind, the Mama!

I don't lay on top of her. I just lay beside her. Zeus already made the mistake of throwing his fat belly on top of the Mama's belly which made her groan and cry. The Mama seemed more sensitive than normal at that moment, and Zeus just was too slow to catch on to the fact that he was hurting the Mama. I climbed on top of the loveseat and hit him on his tail.

Sometimes, a little swat is all it takes.

Hopefully, the Mama's fever will break sometime today.

Until then, I am sure I will get to watch all of Season 2 of Lost, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, and perhaps even Kill Bill, volumes 1 and 2.

Sick days are movie days which are the best!

What to do?

Pssst! Psssssssssssssst! Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst!

Yeah, you! The one reading this! Listen up as I don't have much time.

The mama is sick. Yes, it's true. I know you don't believe me, but it's true!

She has been coughing, sneezing, and running a fever. If you were to ask me, I'd say her skin looks a little dull, and her cheeks look swollen.

What's worse is, she doesn't stay home to get any rest! What is wrong with her? Is this some sort of work-related disease? She looks like crap, but she goes to work?! That's crazy!

Someone please help me help the mama. I can't take any more of this insanity.

I need to run before the fatty sees me on the computer.

28 Things About My Human Pet

It's my human pet's birthday, and today, she turns 28 years old! To celebrate, I thought I would give all of you 28 things you might not know about her. Enjoy!

1. She was born on September 10, 1978.
2. She was born at 10:00 a.m.
3. She weighed 10 lbs. and 10 oz.
4. She was a month early unfortunately, or it would have been all 10's!
5. She does not have a middle name.
6. She never went to kindergarten.
7. She started playing softball when she was six years old.
8. She played softball until she graduated from high school.
9. She was the first girl ever to play basketball at her Catholic grade school.
10. She played from fourth to eighth grade.
11. The school has a sign in their gym in her honor. They now have several girls' team.
12. She knows how to cross-stitch.
13. She would sit down with her Grandma Vern and cross-stitch whenever she visited her.
14. In seventh grade, she had wanted to see the New Kids on the Block concert. Her father had said that he would not pay for it. She went out and signed up for a job as a newspaper delivery girl, saved her money, and went to the concert anyhow.
15. Unfortunately for her, her father didn't let her quit her job so she ended up delivering newspapers for three more years.

16. Her first cup of coffee was the first day of eighth grade. She couldn't stand the taste so she had it with six chocolate chip cookies.

17. She participated in the Miss Junior Miss pageant when she was a junior in high school.

18. She ended up winning third place - the first person from her high school ever to place in the pageant.

19. Her talent for the pageant had been dramatic reading. Her family still teases her about it. She tells them if she had been able to shoot hoops, she would have gotten first!

20. When she turned 15, she became a busgirl at J. W. Hall's Restaurant, the fanciest restaurant in town! She worked there until she attended college.

21. She never went to any of her formals because her dad had told her she was not allowed to ask a boy. Of course, it didn't help that no one had asked her to go either.

23. She performed spoken word every Thursday night at a local coffeeshoppe called The Bridge Street Inn.

24. She attended college at Indiana University of Pennsylvania.

25. She was accepted into the very first class of the Robert E. Cook Honors' College.

26. When her first boyfriend in college went to Oregon for the summer, she dyed her hair black, thinking that it would wash out. Oh, how wrong she was.

27. She had ACL reconstructive surgery when she was 16.

28. One day, she will get to see where family came from by visiting Naples, Italy.

Eye of the tiger, baby!

Michael Buffer accepts the microphone lowering from the ceiling of The House. He takes center stage in the living room, standing on top of the mosaic coffee table. He gazes intently at a crowd that exists only in his mind as his voice echos throughout the kitchen and hallway.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! It is my honor in welcoming you to the Grand Pubah Luxury Living Room this morning for today's main event. This fight has been sanctioned by the Committee at 2922 Creek Manor and is in accordance with all state and local laws."

"In the left corner, we have the challenger in the brown trunks. Weighing in at a massive one pound, she's the upcoming contender from the land of Kohl's. She has 0 wins, 0 losses, and 0 knock-outs. She's the Roo of Kung Fu: Caaaanguuuuurrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

"In the right corner is our reigning heavyweight champion in the gold trunks. He weighs a staggering fifteen pounds of pure raw muscle. With 9 wins, 1 loss, and 0 knock-outs, he's what Rolling Stone hails, "a sheer triumph of boxing magnificence"! He's the Buddha Belly, and his mama said to knock you out: Zeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuussssssssssssssssssssss!"

"Ladies and gentlemen: The time has come."

There's a dramatic pause as Michael Buffer looks around the living room.

"Let's get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!"

Thursday Thirteen Edition #7

Thirteen Reasons Dogs Are O.K. 1. They can lick their own rear ends just like we felines can! 2. They aren't fickle when it comes to eating. 3. They perform manual labor so cats don't have to. How awesome are Willow and Stella? 4. Sometimes, dogs are even leaders in major religious organizations as in the case of my friend, Ayatollah Mugsy! 5. Occasionally, they like to show off their tummies too! 6. Dogs can even have fancy hair-dos as in the case of the beautiful, springy curls my friend, Chelsea, possesses! 7. Every once in awhile, dogs solve complex puzzles...like TigerSan! 8. Currently, canines are working on digging the hole to China we've heard so much about. I hope they succeed! 9. Some dogs like Brody the Bulldog even host soccer clinics. 10. Though I hate to admit this, canines get cooler Halloween outfits than felines. 11. As someone once said, "If it wasn't for dogs, some people would never walk." I consider that valuable community service! 12. When their human pets act up, they have The Dog Whisperer to turn to for help. 13. Some dogs even have foods named after them as in the case of my friends Andy, Roxie, and Sammy, or as I prefer to call them, The Hot Dog Gang. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Cangura unveiled!

It's time to uncover the truth, my friends.

It's no secret to most that my human pet is a devoted Tekken fan. Long have I listened to her recall her former glory days in college when she would storm the local coffeeshoppes, locate the Tekken arcade, and gleefully conquer young teenage boys with her flaming fingers of fury. While sipping on mocha lattes and smoking cigarettes, she would denounce the powers of man with her avatar of war, Jin Kazama, laying to waste the male egos before her.

When she brought home Tekken 5 for her humanip (a.k.a. Playstation 2), I didn't immediately care. I would sit beside her, watch her animated responses, and note the kickback motion which indicated that she was once again on her way to earning yet another beloved character. Sometimes, I would even lay my belly on her legs and spread out to keep her seated, but alas, that was folly for I would be flown thanks to her thighs o'torque.

It was not too long ago, however, that my interest was piqued when I noticed that one of the characters the human pet had unlocked looked strangely familiar to me. Curious, I pawed at the controller, hoping to land the flashing box on the image so as to gain some more information. My plan worked brilliantly.

"Do you want me to be Roger, Jr., Zeus?"

Roger, Jr. Yes. Actually, I do.

When the image of the kangaroos (yes, kangaroos plural) appeared, my eyebrows nearly shot off of my face! I knew this mug! I knew this roo!

Leaping off of the human pet ("Dammit, Zeus! That bleeping hurt!"), I rushed into the living room to look at Cangura. (I apologize as I had pictures, but Blogger decided you would have to use your imagination!) My eyes narrowed as I took in her features, the lines of her pouch, and the all-too-innocent look in her baby's eyes.

"I'm on to you now, Cangura...if that is your real name," I hissed.

I drew my paw across the carpet and waved my claws at her. "Get ready, Cangura! Friday - you and me - right here in the living room, as soon as the human pet leaves for work. Got that?"

She just stared at me like a cold-blooded killer, her eyes empty and void of emotion.

"Fine then. It's settled! Now everyone will know the truth!"

I know I am right about this, my friends. They look too much alike not to be related at the very least, but I suspect we have been living with this well-trained fighting machine for months now without ever knowing! I need to take a stand on this in order to keep this house safe! Excuse me, friends, as I have to prepare for my match against Cangura...if that is her real name.

Fungus on the loose!

Hello, my friends,

Some of you may remember my battle with the evil and ruthless monster known as Sand Her. Though Sand Her ended up leaving the property, I have discovered finally what the demon spawn was here for all along:

Our bathroom walls! Sand Her eats bathroom walls!

My human pet for the past few months has kept the door to her master bathroom shut. However, last night, I noticed she had left it open by a small margin. Harnessing the power of my ultra-powerful headbutt, I knocked down the door and walked inside. What my eyes beheld was unlike anything I had ever seen!

It was like walking onto the set of Jumanji*:

Sand Her had come in and destroyed the beautiful wallpaper that was here when we first moved in. It had completely covered the walls in its gooey, green trail, leaving behind a terrible stench so other animals could know Sand Her's territory. My nose crinkled up as I gazed around at the wicked carnage. With all of the tools laying around, it was clear to me the human pet had been trying to fight off the fungi-esque trail; however, she was losing this battle to be certain.

Smiling down at me, she said, "So how do you like the venetian plaster, Zeus? This is just the first coat."

I tilted my head and gave her an inquisitive look. "How do I like it? This is a tragedy! We have to get this off of the walls at once!"

The human pet squinted her eyes and pursed her lips. She picked me up and hoisted me out of the bathroom. I heard the door slam shut behind me, and I quickly turned to paw at it to see if I could save my human pet's life!

"Zeus, I mean it! Leave me alone!"

I'll check on the human pet later today to make sure she's still alive and untouched by the disease-infested fungus. After all, you never leave a human pet behind.

*Having never been on the set of Jumanji, I can neither validate or invalidate the validity of this claim.

Pick up your broom

And now, a word from our sponsor...

"If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michaelanglo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will pause to say, 'Here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well."

I remember hearing those words from an airline stewardess whose face remains etched along my mind but whose name is no where to be found. I was twenty-two years old, flying to Pittsburgh to see my family for the Christmas holiday, and so much had changed for me that season. In July of that year, I had moved to Houston, Texas with only one thousand two hundred dollars to my name. I had come to fulfill my dream: To become a teacher for students with hearing loss.

I remember how depressed I had been on that flight, and it had all been due to lofty and daring fancies that had been torn apart by institutions. No one ever instructed me in college that education was politics. No one had told me that there was only one philosophy to what was right or wrong in a classroom. No one had informed me that teaching would also mean parenting. I was faced with the most absolute truth that I heard throughout my entire college career that, up until that moment, I had always believed to be a joke: "They don't teach you how to be a teacher in college."

So imagine my curiosity when the airline stewardess sat down beside me and struck up a conversation. Imagine even more when we started talking about Martin Luther King, Jr., and how she remembered listening to his powerful speeches, captivated by his words. When she told me that quote, something inside of me lit on fire - literally. My stomach turned, and my heart pounded.

My conscience had a knock at the door.

"I don't feel like I'm being the best streetsweeper I can be," I remember telling her. I can recall her gentle smile even now as she said, "Then you better pick up your broom and get back to sweeping, child."

I'd love to tell you how it all just changed magically right then and there, but that would be a drama best left to movies. The truth is that change crept upon me in small steps with small events that left small, significant impressions upon my heart. It wasn't until I was asked to move into the itinerant department for children with hearing loss that I realized how different a teacher I truly was.

I'd love to tell you that I'm a fantastic teacher now. I'm sure there are plenty of people who think I am, but I'm also fairly certain that you'll find those who say I am not. I'm realistic in that regard. However, there's one thing I think both camps would say about me that sets me apart from my peers: I'm idealistic. For better or for worse, that's the rub of the whole thing.

I try to face my work as a task assigned to me and as a priviledge which I am thankful for having. I know every day that there is a child on my current caseload who needs someone, and sometimes, that need has nothing to do with our current objective of the day. I am aware now of a greater impact that I possess simply because I decided to show up for work. I am finally cognizant that the trite phrase "making a difference" need not be considered trite, but rather, precious because it is rare.

As I enjoy my hamburgers, hot dogs, potato salad, and cold lemonade, I will be smiling. I will remember what a joy it is to do my job, and how it is my goal to fulfill the challenge set out by Dr. King forty years ago. I hope you join me in this as well during Labor Day weekend, but if by chance, you find yourself feeling like you are unfulfilled, useless, or stagnant in your field of work, let me be the first to say to you:

You better pick up your broom and get to sweeping, child.

Marina