Pimp My Litterbox

"Yo, yo, yo G! Check it out! Today, we's comin' from H-town, U to the S to the A. We's about to go up an' surprise my boy, Zeus. He don't know it yet, but we's here to take care of a very special problem he be havin'. We's about to -"

[Cast and crew along with Xzibit thrust their fists at the camera in unison to each word as they shout:]

"PIMP - HIS - LITTERBOX!"

"That's right, holmes. C'mon and follow me whiles I creep on up to this here house."

[Xzibit knocks on the front door. He turns around to flash a big grin at the camera. After a few seconds, though, no one answers. A brief look of puzzlement flashes across his face, but he retains the smile as he wraps at the door harder. This time, a girl in her late-twenties opens it and peers out, confused and near speechless.]

"Um, yes?" she says, almost hesitantly.

"H to the u to the man pet?"

"Oh. my. god." [She gazes at all of the camera and sound crew with a wide-eyed expression.]

"We's here for the Z-man. Is he in da house?"

"Um...yeah..."

"You gonna let us in, mama, or just stand there?"

[The girl steps aside, and now, the camera displays the living room with its green slipcovered couch and loveseat. Residing on the back of the couch, sprawled out to his full length, is the man of the hour: Zeus]

"Zeus! My man! You wrote in, and we're here to answer the call. We's gonna make yo' litterbox superfly, dog! We's about to get crunk up in here!"

[The five year old litterbox is seen as it is brought from the garage out to the front lawn. Its dilapidated gray color has spots in some areas, and it is covered with scratch marks along the rim. Xzibit leans in and takes a deep whiff. He backs up, almost immediately, waving his hands in front of his face.] "Dayum! That there is one stank ass litterbox! We needs to pimp - this - out NOW!"

[In the driveway, the crew starts making upgrades to Zeus' litterbox while Xzibit shares his observations with the camera.]

"Times are tough for Zeus. How you get a litterbox like this for five years and not even try to upgrade? There's a lot of dirt on this here box, and my dude, Zeus, couldn't even spring fifteen bucks for a boxwash. It's like he got somethin' to hide. That's alright, though: We here to do it properly."

[Xzibit turns to Zeus who is laying sprawled out on the grass of the front yard.]

"So this baby got a name?"

[Zeus gives Xzibit an inquisitive look:] "I beg your pardon?"

[Xzibit chuckles and continues:] "I take it that it don't. What's up with all this dirt?"

[Zeus attempts to explain:] "Ah, well, it hides the scratches, dents, and my personal waste quite well."

[Xzibit lets out a good-sized laugh as he points at the camera repeatedly:] "See? I told you! I told you it was to cover somethin' up!"

[Xzibit leans over and pulls out some toilet paper from the dirt and holds it up to the camera. The paper seems to go on and on until a roll can clearly be seen.] "You changin' species on me, brother? What's up with this?"

"I accidentally knocked it into my box the other day while I was doing my thing, Mr. Xzibit. I just left it there for my human pet to use."

[Xzibit starts laughing as he turns the roll on its side to show the camera.] "Well, you sure know how to treat a lady right. [He points along the filthy edge.] "Look at all that dirt and stuff on the outside. He knows how to treat `em. Treat `em how they want to be treated. Treat `em right." [Xzibit laughs at his own humor.] "Alright Zeus. It's time for you to wait in the house, dog, while we's get this job done. We get you when we done."

[Thirty minutes later, the litterbox has been covered with a dark, black sheet. Xzibit brings Zeus out of the house for the unveiling.]

"Alright, Zeus. You ready, dog?"

"Yes, Mr. Xzibit, I'm ready."

[The curtain is unveiled, and Zeus' jaw nearly hits the pavement.] "I...I can't believe...how did you...?"

"Don't get all speechless on me, brother! Lemme show you whatcha got goin' on up in here now."

[Flashes of equipment are shown while Xzibit runs through the detailed list:]

"You got surround sound speakers around the interior of your box with amplifiers and three fifteen-inch Kicker subwoofers in the back for the ultimate bass experience!"

"You got superior air suspension underneath your box now. Just watch what this puppy can do!" [Xzibit flips a switch inside the litterbox, and the rear-end begins to bounce up and down.] "Oh snap! That is too damn sweet!"

"Let's not forget that fine lookin' paint job done by my boys at West Coast Customs. You'll be on fire while you sift the litter with those flames surrounding you!"

[Zeus can be seen tugging on Xzibit's pant leg.] "Excuse me, Mr. Xzibit?"

"Yeah, dog?"

"Did you include anything special for scooping my litter?"

"Did we ever, holmes! You got the deluxe, nitrous-powered, automatic, hydromatic, pneumatic, f to the a to the n to the tastic Super Pooper Scooper! You just press this button [Xzibit points it out to Zeus along the inside of the litterbox.], and you never need your human pet again!" [Xzibit leans over and whispers, "But don't be in the litterbox when you press it, dude, or else, you get scooped up the butt, and let me tell you: That shit is downright painful."]

[Xzibit turns to face the camera.] "Well, there you have it! Another satisfied customer! You got a litterbox holdin' you down? Then write to us here at Pimp My Litterbox, and perhaps I'll show up on your doorstep. Oh and Zeus?"

"Yes, Mr. Xzibit?"

[Xzibit hands him a set of keys (to God knows what) and leans over and pinches Zeus' shoulder and draws it back with smooth style.] "You just been pimped, dog!"