Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Pimp My Litterbox

"Yo, yo, yo G! Check it out! Today, we's comin' from H-town, U to the S to the A. We's about to go up an' surprise my boy, Zeus. He don't know it yet, but we's here to take care of a very special problem he be havin'. We's about to -"

[Cast and crew along with Xzibit thrust their fists at the camera in unison to each word as they shout:]


"That's right, holmes. C'mon and follow me whiles I creep on up to this here house."

[Xzibit knocks on the front door. He turns around to flash a big grin at the camera. After a few seconds, though, no one answers. A brief look of puzzlement flashes across his face, but he retains the smile as he wraps at the door harder. This time, a girl in her late-twenties opens it and peers out, confused and near speechless.]

"Um, yes?" she says, almost hesitantly.

"H to the u to the man pet?"

"Oh. my. god." [She gazes at all of the camera and sound crew with a wide-eyed expression.]

"We's here for the Z-man. Is he in da house?"


"You gonna let us in, mama, or just stand there?"

[The girl steps aside, and now, the camera displays the living room with its green slipcovered couch and loveseat. Residing on the back of the couch, sprawled out to his full length, is the man of the hour: Zeus]

"Zeus! My man! You wrote in, and we're here to answer the call. We's gonna make yo' litterbox superfly, dog! We's about to get crunk up in here!"

[The five year old litterbox is seen as it is brought from the garage out to the front lawn. Its dilapidated gray color has spots in some areas, and it is covered with scratch marks along the rim. Xzibit leans in and takes a deep whiff. He backs up, almost immediately, waving his hands in front of his face.] "Dayum! That there is one stank ass litterbox! We needs to pimp - this - out NOW!"

[In the driveway, the crew starts making upgrades to Zeus' litterbox while Xzibit shares his observations with the camera.]

"Times are tough for Zeus. How you get a litterbox like this for five years and not even try to upgrade? There's a lot of dirt on this here box, and my dude, Zeus, couldn't even spring fifteen bucks for a boxwash. It's like he got somethin' to hide. That's alright, though: We here to do it properly."

[Xzibit turns to Zeus who is laying sprawled out on the grass of the front yard.]

"So this baby got a name?"

[Zeus gives Xzibit an inquisitive look:] "I beg your pardon?"

[Xzibit chuckles and continues:] "I take it that it don't. What's up with all this dirt?"

[Zeus attempts to explain:] "Ah, well, it hides the scratches, dents, and my personal waste quite well."

[Xzibit lets out a good-sized laugh as he points at the camera repeatedly:] "See? I told you! I told you it was to cover somethin' up!"

[Xzibit leans over and pulls out some toilet paper from the dirt and holds it up to the camera. The paper seems to go on and on until a roll can clearly be seen.] "You changin' species on me, brother? What's up with this?"

"I accidentally knocked it into my box the other day while I was doing my thing, Mr. Xzibit. I just left it there for my human pet to use."

[Xzibit starts laughing as he turns the roll on its side to show the camera.] "Well, you sure know how to treat a lady right. [He points along the filthy edge.] "Look at all that dirt and stuff on the outside. He knows how to treat `em. Treat `em how they want to be treated. Treat `em right." [Xzibit laughs at his own humor.] "Alright Zeus. It's time for you to wait in the house, dog, while we's get this job done. We get you when we done."

[Thirty minutes later, the litterbox has been covered with a dark, black sheet. Xzibit brings Zeus out of the house for the unveiling.]

"Alright, Zeus. You ready, dog?"

"Yes, Mr. Xzibit, I'm ready."

[The curtain is unveiled, and Zeus' jaw nearly hits the pavement.] "I...I can't did you...?"

"Don't get all speechless on me, brother! Lemme show you whatcha got goin' on up in here now."

[Flashes of equipment are shown while Xzibit runs through the detailed list:]

"You got surround sound speakers around the interior of your box with amplifiers and three fifteen-inch Kicker subwoofers in the back for the ultimate bass experience!"

"You got superior air suspension underneath your box now. Just watch what this puppy can do!" [Xzibit flips a switch inside the litterbox, and the rear-end begins to bounce up and down.] "Oh snap! That is too damn sweet!"

"Let's not forget that fine lookin' paint job done by my boys at West Coast Customs. You'll be on fire while you sift the litter with those flames surrounding you!"

[Zeus can be seen tugging on Xzibit's pant leg.] "Excuse me, Mr. Xzibit?"

"Yeah, dog?"

"Did you include anything special for scooping my litter?"

"Did we ever, holmes! You got the deluxe, nitrous-powered, automatic, hydromatic, pneumatic, f to the a to the n to the tastic Super Pooper Scooper! You just press this button [Xzibit points it out to Zeus along the inside of the litterbox.], and you never need your human pet again!" [Xzibit leans over and whispers, "But don't be in the litterbox when you press it, dude, or else, you get scooped up the butt, and let me tell you: That shit is downright painful."]

[Xzibit turns to face the camera.] "Well, there you have it! Another satisfied customer! You got a litterbox holdin' you down? Then write to us here at Pimp My Litterbox, and perhaps I'll show up on your doorstep. Oh and Zeus?"

"Yes, Mr. Xzibit?"

[Xzibit hands him a set of keys (to God knows what) and leans over and pinches Zeus' shoulder and draws it back with smooth style.] "You just been pimped, dog!"


Anonymous said...

Zeus you're so safa - you can cotch down at my yard any time :)

Kukka-Maria said...

Zizzy! What chu be lettin' that dude call you DAWG, nephew? Have some respect fo yo self!

Lovin' the hydraulics. When you're stopped up, pump those and it will set the turd free, brotha!

Yes, I went there. Deal, mutha fu...WHAT, MOM?! No, I'm just leavin' some words on Zizzy's bizzle lizzle o gizzle! Fine. I'll be right there.


Anonymous said...

Lol so funny.Your too cute Zeus.

Aloysius said...

You are so lucky, Zeus! How can I get my litterbox pimped for my blogiversary?

Tigersan said...

For a second there... me thought you were going to get Punked ;)

You deserve an upgrade to your litter area... but me thinks you may still need the humans to fill that litter back up when it is all used up ;)

LZ said...

Day-yam! That is one sweet box! Ours are just...well...covered boxes.

Fat Eric said...

Woah...another proof for us Brits that weird things go on in America...
I want some speakers in my box now!
Were these the same people who pimped Kukka's litterbox a while ago?

Petey said...

But like what KM said; what's wit' the DAWG'N? You's gotta let dem know dat a cat ain't gonna be DIS'D like dat. You know what I mean, feline.

PeaceOUt, PT

Ricki said...

LOL...too funny! I did have to get out my ebonics to english dictionary. What was the deal with letting him call you dog? I would have found that very insulting. Now I feel the need to not necessarily "Pimp" my babies litterboxes, but I may definitly have to buy them some new ones. Now, what kind of stereo system should it have....hmmm...

Lisa said...

OMG!!!! I cant stop laughing! You oh so lucky kittie you! For Shizzle my nizzle!!!

Anonymous said...

Dog? DOG? The guy is clearly not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He did pimp that box, though - we'll give him that. (DOG? Huh. The nerve! That's almost as bad as Turkey...)
~ turtle

The Meezers or Billy said...

that's one awsome litterbox zeus - we needs the pooper scooper button in ours - 'acause Miles nefurr covers anyfing up - Sammy

Colleen Gleason said...

BWahhaaahahahaa! Zeus, you are always good for a chuckle.

Can't wait to see tomorrow's TT.

Renee Nefe said...

I can now rest peacefully knowing that I've received the full Pimped experience...and I wasn't missin nuttin! LOL!

Enjoy the box Zeus. :D

Bravely Sir Robin said...

Yo, ZEUS, my MAN! You been holdin' out on us!! Here we thought you was a CAT when you're actually a DAWG!! ^0^

Rosie & Cheeto said...

Wow, this is amazing. Yer soooo smart, Zeus

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

I have always taken pride in the fact that I did my business in the back yard, where I could take in the beauty of Mother Nature. While my feline acquaintances were slinking to their smelly, musty litter boxes, I felt an air of superiority. I went outside, in the fresh air, as Allah intended (the occasional rainy-day rug incident excluded, of course).

But now ... now I'm thinking I may need a pimped-out litter box.

Anonymous said...

Zeus, you da MAN! dood, kin we come offur an pee sumtime?

Carmen said...

that is one pimped out litter box.

But he kept calling you dawg. Doesn't he know you're a cat? (Damn I see that Kukka said that already. no orignal thoughts for me today)

Gemini said...

wow. You gots a nice fancy litter box now.

Hot(M)BC said...

I fink I'd be skeered of a litterbox wif all that stuff. I'd nefur be able to go!

Angel Junior, Orion and Sammy said...

You are one lucky dog....I mean cat!

The Crew said...

OMG, Zeus, we'll be right over. You don't mind if we try out your new litterbox, do you? Oh...better tell your pet to stock up on litter. There might be a waiting line to get in!

The Fluffy Tribe said...

Wow a pimped up litterbox. That is so cool ~Merlin, Shadow, Ko Ko

Roxie, Sammy, Andy and Shermie said...

Zeus! You dog! (And we think that is a compliment!) No wonder you are such a kewl cat.

Roxie, Sammy & Andy

Anonymous said...

I love this! Do you think they would also go to Holland to pimp a litterbox? :)

Great post!

Tommy and Teaghan said...

Well Zeus you really know how to get fings done all way cool.

Gigolo Kitty said...

Hot dawg! Zeus, that is an awesome litterbox!

Unknown said...

Hey Zeus -- do you have a 2nd box for when you really "need to go" as opposed to "want to show" ... Isis doesn't use this one does she?

PrincessMia said...

So you wanna be a player?
But your litterbox ain't fly?
Just hit us up
To get a pimped out box

You gotta pimp my boooooxxxxxxxx
(Damn Right)

cat_aunty said...

Hahahahahahahahaaha. I love you, Zeus!

Susie said...

Dude - we want to see a picture of your pimped out box!

Shaggy and Scout said...

Zeus you are the luckiest cat alive!!!!

Anonymous said...

You're so lucky dude! I've been needing a new box for a looooong time. Now I want a pimped up one as well!!! Sounds fly man!!