I've often wondered why I have not done it myself.
I've spent enough time degrading myself emotionally and spiritually by not doing it.
Yes, it's time for.......
THE LACGAC CAMPAIGN!
What is LACGAC exactly? Besides being an extremely helpful and concise acronym, LACGAC represents the following concept:
Leave a comment. Get a comment.
It's high time that I acknowledge all of the beautiful comments you readers leave behind every day. I've read each and every comment, but how would you ever know if I don't respond? From this moment on, I will now leave each of you a witty, playful, ever-so-gentle response.
Novel? No.
But remember the acronym you will!
Besides: I would be lying if I told you that a little birdie informed me that this was how you gained more readership.
So while it may seem like it's all about you, it isn't. I just thought I would be honest with you before the campaign started.
Why don't we get this campaign off to a fantastic start? Test the waters, and leave a comment now!
I absolutely adore the movie, Shrek. Honestly, though: Who doesn't? Of course, Puss in Boots is my hero, but I am sure you already jumped to that conclusion without my help. The series is extremely helpful in advocating for animal rights and equality between the species.
Further imagine the look on my face when I found out The Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood wants Shrek to be removed as the spokesperson, stating that the big fellah "promotes junkfood" by talking about treats and snacks and even doing a spoof on Happy Meals.
To both sides of this intense and heated debate, I have this to say:
1. If you truly cared about what kids were watching, why not take a look at cable television? Truly: I thought everyone knew cable was the devil for children.
2. I think you've made a gross error in labeling Shrek a spokesperson. He's a spokesogre. I smell lawsuit.
3. If it's that easy to get a job promoting healthy living, why not sign me up? I eat the same hooplah everyday, I sleep 13 hours out of a 24 hour day, and I get about 15 minutes exercise walking from the bed to the food bowl. I'm just as good a pick as Shrek, don't you think?
1. The constant exploitation of my paranoia has reached epic proportions and must be stopped.
2. I've asked him to stop touching my butt, but apparently, he's deaf because he just keeps doing it with this sadistic grin on his face.
3. Doesn't he know it's a crime to be cruel to the mentally ill? 4. I can be sitting quietly in a room, at one with myself, and from out of nowhere, a gigantaur voice will erupt sending my heart into palpatations: HELLO ISIS!
5. He doesn't acknowledge my hissing means "no".
6. Making me snuggle isn't my idea of a good time.
7. I've never once been able to catch his wagging fingers when we play "Wagging Fingers".
8. Fuzzy Bear has aligned himself with Ricardo Montoya* (blasted little monkey!) and has shot him at me several times.
9. He's almost stepped on me several times because he's so freakin' huge.
10. He thinks just because he can manhandle me that he can have his way with me. Sorry, but dinner and a movie must come first.
11. All of The Mama's friends know not to bleepity-bleep with me. Why doesn't he?
12. Because he said I was "the most beautiful ugly cat in the world". What the bleep does that mean?
13. Do I really need a reason if I'm crazy? Maybe I just bleeping feel like it.
*Ricardo Montoya story coming soon, but use your imagination for now!
I've known my human pet for awhile now, and I would like to think I know her better than most humans. I've witnessed the horrors of my pet before she's had her morning cup of coffee. I've laid beside her on the bed while she tosses and turns, lighting the bed sheets aflame with her monstrous night-crippling farts. I've even sat nonchalantly and admired her beautician grace while she plucked the chin hairs from her face.
However, it's time to reveal my human pet's ultimate secret to the world:
She's an online gaming addict, a.k.a., a closet geek.
When my pet and I first met, she was heavily involved with a game called Everquest. Personally, I prefer to call it Evercrack. Her weekend routine would involve making a rather large pot of coffee, snuggling into her robe, and sitting in front of her computer while pummeling monsters, solving outrageously time-consuming quests, and chit-chatting it up with people who lived miles away. It was a constant, habitual practice, and when we moved into The House, I was more than grateful that she gave it up.
Her skin had grown translucent from sitting in front of the computer screen for hours on end. Alas, I would show the pictures, but when I tried to upload them, all of them had a blotch of pure white that resembled, strangely enough, Patrick Swayze in his final moments in the movie, Ghost.
But I digress...
Nonetheless, the itch has returned. How do I know this? Well, her remedies for beating her addiction to Evercrack have grown cold. Turning to her college years for guidance, she resumed playing Magic: The Gathering like the good closet geek that she is (shhh, don't tell her I said that!), and she even managed to participate in some tournaments; however, that just ended up frustrating her due to human males asking her if she had a boyfriend continuously and all of the ceaseless boob-staring. She has beaten God of War II twice and has won countless badges on Pogo, but there's a sadness that lingers just beyond her eyes. There's no sense of joy, no sense of sheer digital accomplishment.
I'm concerned about my pet. I know she needs an outlet, but I fear this is probably not the right path. If she plays Evercrack again, when in the world can I expect to blog? It's not like we have a squillion computers in this House! Will she even remember to feed me, or will it constantly be time "to kill the dragon"? Let's not even contemplate if she'll clean the litter box. It's all too gruesome for me to consider.
Did I neglect to mention that she finally has a tan? For goodness sake, felines: We have to do something! I may not be able to find her if she becomes translucent again!
Human pet, if you're reading this, I beg of you: Forsake the Evercrack. Remember: You have a life now, and I am your life. There is no other life but me. I have included this video clip of a poor soul who became too involved with online gaming to remind you of its horrors. Heed the message well!!!
Warning: Contains online gaming language which requires lengthy, detailed linguistic analysis to comprehend...or level 64 epic elf mage ability of "Decipher". Hopefully, you have one or the other. If not, you're still bound to laugh.
Between the human pet's two research papers and high-stakes testing all this week for the her students, she has absolutely put this home on lock-down. If writing papers on the computer is stressing her out, I don't know why she insists on going back to it. I think that justifies giving me a turn. Nonetheless, I know I have to post pictures of the lovely blanket Millie sent to me and introduce all of you to my new crime-fighting friend, Ricardo Montoya.
Yes, I said Ricardo Montoya. Why do you laugh?
As soon as this tumult of activity slows down, expect some serious endeavors to win your heart over!
I came across this questionnaire hosted by Esquire. There are times in a tom's life when revelations hit you. Upon completing this survey, I had such a moment times two:
1. The only balls I came with were the ones included with my Ping Pong table.
Greetings, Zeus fans! My name is Radioactive Jam and-- well, I am not a cat, as far as I know. That's not my real name, of course. See, I wanted my very own dot-com internet domain, and ethelbert.com was unavailable; I had to go with my second choice. But enough about me! We're here to celebrate the one-year anniversary of The Zeus Excuse.
The human "owner" said Zeus wanted me to compose an anniversary post for him. As readers here soon learn, Zeus can be pret-ty persuasive when he throws his weight around. Could I say no? I could not. So I hope you enjoy this special tribute post written for the one and only Zeus, the super-sizedego feline extraordinaire without whom this weblog would surely slim downneed a new name be "diminished."
You don't need thumbs for typing. Spacebar? It is to laugh. - Zeus
Zeus claims he started a weblog to spread "advice, humor and joy" among feline friends. Sounds almost noble and altruistic, doesn't it? That's Zeus, all right; never thinking of himself, always putting the other cat first.
Dogs are obsessed with thumbs; cats couldn't care less. - Zeus
Cats have a reputation for holding themselves aloof, and Zeus is no exception to the rule. Zeus is cool, unfazed by events swirling around him. He has neither need nor time for trivial, shallow amusements; he's a Busy Cat with Important Things to do.
Do I look like I care? - Zeus
One of the things keeping Zeus busy this past year: extensive travel. Showing his signature modesty - not! - Zeus calls his travelogue The Amazing Zeus. It is pretty amazing, and not just because major world governments haven't yet realized how far his reach extends. They'll learn soon enough I am sure.
You don't need plans for world domination when you're already in control. - Zeus
Speaking of learning (and control), we humans should never underestimate a cat's ability to "manage" its environment. If one thinks a little thing like not having opposable thumbs will slow down a clever cat like Zeus, perhaps one needs to think again.
Doorknobs impede me? DOORKNOBS?! HAHAHAHAHahahaha! purrrrrr! - Zeus
Zeus portrays himself as an invincible, haughty overlord. Okay sure, that pretty much applies to all cats, and - let's face it - they're basically right. Still, one might find lovable "weaknesses" in the feline aura... if one knows where to look. Suppose I were to tell you that deep down, Zeus is just an old softie looking for a little affection and attention, not unlike a lot of human "owners?"
One word, humans: Photoshop! - Zeus
In closing I'll pass along a few words from an actor-friend of Zeus, pictured below in one of his many famous movie roles. Here's what he had to say about Zeus:
We're still trying to explain to Zeus why he shouldn't take "human" as an insult.
It was nine o'clock when the human pet came back home, and let me just say that there have been very few times I have seen such a look of pure disdain on my pet's face. I don't think one would have needed to be psychic to figure out that there would be no furniture in our future. For the sake of my readers, I decided I would listen in to the rantings of this mad woman my bothered pet for the full story.
"I get in there, I sit down, and we start talking about prices for the third time in three weeks, and you know damn well, Zeus, I have been all over town looking at furniture! I should have known not to go when Brad wasn't there. This woman I ended up with - would you believe she refused to work with me?"
Seated proudly on top of my current throne, I listened intently while cocking my head to the left side. I just had to ask though since curiosity got the best of me: "Who is Brad?"
"That guy was awesome! He told me about hidden sales, he worked out prices with me, and if something wasn't in the budget, he tried to find me something that worked. That's the kind of salesman you want to see your money go to."
Intrigued, I poked a little further: "So what was wrong with this woman?"
"She just would not budge! I even told her that I had been working with Brad, but she was determined to get that oh-so-fantastic half commission. I said repeatedly, 'Don't you have some sale coming up for the Easter weekend? I've received at least three flyers about furniture sales with other stores. Surely, you know what you'll be doing by now.' And you know what she said to me? 'We don't know until the day of, Ma'am. I'm really sorry.' Oh like hell you are!"
Her face crinkled up as she raised her fists to heaven, screaming, "Why, God, Why?!"
Ok, she didn't really do that, but that would have been a nice Academy Award touch on her part.
So I suppose the negotiations didn't meet with the final stamp of approval from the pet. Next time, she should take me so that instead of all the tonguewagging, I can just pluck some eyes out with my claws. Normally, people do what you want after you pluck some eyes.
This may be the last time you get to see us on my throne because...
I'm finally getting a new living room set!
What's that you say? I'm not the one buying it so it can't be mine? Pardon me, but I think you're misled. As soon as this new living room set comes into this house, I'm all over it - literally and figuratively.
Tonight, the human pet, on one of her rare evenings with nothing to do, is going to pick up my new furniture and bring it to The House. With her knack for decorating, I'm sure it won't take long for the new room to be put together. Wait a minute: She's looking at me as if she has something to say...
"Note to Zeus: It probably won't be coming until Saturday, and no, I won't be putting it together for you. It's for me."
Semantics, schmantiks. Some people...
I think the more hair you leave on items indicates the higher the level of ownership you have over the item. If you're with me, raise your paw.
