Thursday Thirteen, Edition 16

Thirteen of the Best Reasons To Dump a Man and Get a Cat From Our What's Your Reason Contest

1. "We are faithful, specially since we don't have our hoo-ha's to do anything with the lady cats," suggested Derby.

2. "Cats don't pee all over the toilet seat then complain that YOU are a bad housekeeper," stated Hot(M)BC.

3. "Cats don't come home drunk and wonder why you don't want to snuggle up to them," observed Katnippia.

4. "Cats don't criticize the way you drive," remarked Aloysius.

5. Carmen commented, "Cats don't answer when you ask, "Do I look fat in this?""

6. "Cats don't demand to watch stupid wrestling on television 3 or 4 times a week!!" shouted George, Tipper, Max, & Misty.

7. "Cats vibrate at the touch of a finger," Princess Mia declared.

8. "A cat won't ever give you a vacuum cleaner for Christmas," posed Millie.

9. "A cat will never say "as long as you're up ...," reported Beezer.

10. Jake and Bathsheba confirmed, "Cats won't dump you for a man when they discover they are gay."

11. "Cat whiskers don't cause whisker burn," declared DaisyMae Maus.

12. Yuki and Kimiko of Kazoku Neko offered, "Cats don't complain when you spend hours looking at all of the kitty blogs and posting comments."

13. Jack joshed, "Cats don't say they'll do something for you and then not do it for weeks."

And our winners are...

WOW! What an amazing three days it has been! The comments section has been a flurry of excitement, and more than once did I find myself rolling in laughter at what some of you creatively penned upon the screen. I want to thank each and every one of you for coming by and participating. All of you have helped make this contest a huge success!

I would like to extend a super special thanks to Harper Collins Publishing for providing all of the prizes for our winners. This contest could not have been held without their support.

Our winners are:




Mu Shue Pooh King Cat with 17 entries





Jake and Bathsheba with 32 entries





Katnippia with 51 entries





The House of the (Mostly) Black Cats with 57 entries





Jack with 103 entries



Congratulations to all of the winners! Please e-mail me with your shipping information, and I will send you your winnings!

What's Your Reason Contest!

UPDATE: The contest has ended.

Molly Katz' wonderful book, 101 Reasons To Dump Your Man and Get a Cat, is simply too good to keep to myself. Now is your chance to win a free hardcover copy of the book! Read below to find out how!

With the spirit of the book in mind, all you have to do is leave comments for this post in which you state your reasons as to why someone should leave his or her significant other and get a cat. You can only post one reason per comment, but you can post as many times as you want! After you leave your thoughtful and inspiring explanations as to why felines make better life partners, you must visit the previous commentor's blog and leave a comment for him or her. Make sure you let them know in your comment that Zeus Is My Reason For the Season.

To win, simply have the most reasons posted here by Wednesday at 5:00 p.m. CST. Five winners will be chosen, and my human pet will contact you for your personal information. Make sure to spread the word about the contest on your own blog to encourage more people to play!

Come back often! Don't forget to hit refresh! Oh, and that reminds me! Enjoy some refreshments while you play. I have brought together some fine cavier, tuna, a delightful cheese tray, Carr's crackers and biscuits, freshly baked brownies, Oregon Chai tea lattes, coffee, sodas, and of course, milk for all of my fine purring friends.

Fair warning

Dear Zeus and Isis,

I am coming home very early tomorrow morning. I heard rumors that you might possibly be having some sort of party, but I hope that is not true since you know perfectly well you are not allowed any visitors over when I am not around. Please make sure to have the house in tip-top shape, and fix the slipcovers on the couch since I know you more than likely have messed them up since I have been gone.


Love,

Marina

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #15

Thirteen Things Zeus Is Thankful For 1. I'm thankful for all of my wonderful blogging friends! Blogging has brought me into contact with so many different people, felines, and canines from various walks of life. I couldn't be happier! 2. I'm thankful for the loveseat in the living room. Without it, I couldn't possibly sleep comfortably. 3. I'm thankful for my sister, Isis. She takes the rap for my misdeeds quite often. Who doesn't need someone like that in their lives? 4. I'm thankful for my IAMS Salmon and Tuna flavors. They go down nice and smooth, and I never chuck them up on the floor. 5. I'm also thankful for my Purina One Salmon Dry Food. Variety is the spice of life I'm told! 6. I'm thankful that I don't have to go out and shop on Black Friday. Being a cat, I can't drive, and seeing as though I can't drive, I can't go shopping either. It's such a blessing! 7. I'm thankful that we moved into this beautiful house. We lived in an apartment for five years, and there were only so many spaces for me to lay around and lounge. Inside the house, I have many more options, including a sunning area by the deck which is absolutely fabulous. 8. I'm thankful for the success of my blog. I can't believe there are readers who keep coming back! Without you, there would be no blog so I say thank you for your support...even when I do have mishaps! 9. I'm thankful that I can even write. I suppose not every cat can do that so I should be a little bit grateful that I have that talent. 10. I'm thankful that I am healthy. Yes, even though I hate Dr. Rodriguez with a burning passion inside of my tiny, beating heart, I still am immensely grateful that she finds me to be in tip-top shape. 11. I'm thankful I have kind people who take care of me when my human pet is away. I'm not so thankful, though, that the human pet goes away...that big meanie. 12. I'm thankful for my gigantic whisker humps which make me look oh-so-manly. Take a look at my photo on the right; you will agree. 13. Finally, I am thankful for YOU, human pet! We have been through thick and thin together, and I do not know where I would be without you. (I do, however, know that I would be stuck with that horrible, wretched name of "Graham" had you not rescued me, and that simply would not have been cool!) Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

When the humans are away, the cats will play

WOOHOO!!!

It's time to get crazy with the cheese dip!

The human pet is G-O-N-E! I've never been happier! With all of the drama lately, we needed a break from her.

Everyone is totally invited to come and hang out. Make sure to bring plenty of snacks, toys, and nip...if you're into that sort of thing.

And Kukka: I'm looking forward to this interesting contraption known as a beer bong. You'll have to educate me as I've never had the joy of playing with that toy.

- Zeus

At O'dark thirty, we received this correspondence:

Dear Zeus and Isis,

I know how you both get very upset when I leave, but try to keep your spirits up while I'm gone. It's not the end of the world, you will still get fed, and I promise your litter box will still be cleaned. If you nap longer during the day, you won't even know I'm gone!

I will try to write you from Pittsburgh. Hopefully, I can have some sort of Internet access to send you e-mail. Remember: Even if you do not hear from me, I still know what you do so BE GOOD.

Love always,

Marina

Vacation?

Hello everyone...

I'm fairly certain that I am not grounded anymore. However, the human pet has been shopping and packing at the same time which can only mean one thing: Vacation! I'm slightly worried, but I won't let it show.

I wonder how long she will be gone this time. If she's going to see Aunt Diana and Uncle Gino again, I'm almost afraid. Maybe Isis and I can talk some sense into her.

Seventeen cups of coffee and thirty pages later...

Hallelujah! Raise your paws high and give thanks! The Mama's research proposal is finally completed! She turned it in last night, and she even got to come home early because only five people showed up for class. Now, we turn our attention to worrying about whether or not she will receive a good grade. After all: You're not living in this house if you're not worrying about something.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program...

Hello everyone,

Zeus has been grounded from the computer for his vicious reply to Mrs. McNickers. I would like to extend a sincere apology on behalf of Isis and myself to those readers who were shocked and appalled by his outburst. I simply do not know what has come over him. To be honest, I blame myself since I have been too busy to give him the attention he needs.

Hopefully, with the day off, Zeus will think about what he has done and come back a better feline. I'm completely sure this will be a step in a more positive direction. I know you were all looking forward to a fabulous Monday post, but unfortunately, this is how it has to be.

Marina

A Drumroll for Mrs. McNickers

Dear Mrs. McNickers,

I've been told that my writing has taken on an edge in the past few weeks, and so, I'm going to apologize in advance as well. I'm fairly sure that what I'm about to say is going to strike you as rude and possibly uncalled for, but seeing as though you sent your letter first, I have the right to say, "You asked for it."

Considering you're not into dramatic hooplah, and I am, you'll pardon me while I get the drumrolls started. I want you to place your hands on the table and rap your hands as quickly as you can. When you feel you have built up a nice crescendo, read below.


(I'm giving you time to get the roll humming.)


(Build it up just a bit more.)


(A wee bit more.)


(Perfect. You can continue.)


Go. To. Hell.

(I added the periods so you'll pause after each word since that is how I would express it to you if I could actually get out of this house to say it to your face. However, I doubt that you would understand it since it would probably sound like innocent mewings to your withered, wrinkled ears.)

When I first entered this house, my human pet only had one rule for me: "Zeus, what happens in this house, stays in this house. When you go out into the world, you need to remember that you represent not only yourself, but everyone else who lives here. You keep our name in high regard." She never mentioned to me at the time that I would not really be leaving the house, but that's completely beside the point. The point is that she who makes the rule determines when the rule is broken, and she decided I had not done as she asked. That's how the perpetual cookie of myth and legend crumbles, Mrs. McNickers.

So to summarize: Go to hell, and mind your own damn business. When you rake, actually rake. Don't eavesdrop and snoop for your own entertainment.

And for the record: There is no such thing as Cat Protection Services. It's Child Protective Services, you old ninny, and that would imply that we were children. I guess my human pet spoke to me properly then.

Not So Sincerely,

Thursday Thirteen Edition #14

Thirteen Research Articles You Won't Find In My Human Pet's Research Proposal...But Possibly In Mine

1. The Effects of Poor Litter Box Maintenance on Feline Anxiety

2. The Relationship Between Headbutting and Feeding Time

3. Case Studies in Veterinarian Bedside Manner

4. Discourse Rules in the Language Production of Kittens

5. Using Wand Toys To Foster Obediance in Human Pets

6. Beliefs and Practices of Famous Celebrity Felines Concerning Financial Stability

7. Success With Spoken English: Reflections of Feline Bloggers

8. The Siamese, Mexican Hairless, and African Serval: A Study of Intraindividual Diversity and Identity

9. Feline Consumption of Wet and Dry Food: A National Survey

10. Social-ecological Constraints on Feline Toy Needs

11. Meow Varieties Across the Feline Population and Their Acquisition by Kittens and Adults

12. Becoming Housebroken: Critical Factors For Felines To Consider When Training Homo Sapiens

13. The Correlation Between Anger in Humans and Clawed Furniture

Good ol' Mrs. McNickers

Dear Zeus and Isis,

I'm not even sure how to start this letter. This is a rather touchy subject, and I know that this is probably not my place to say any of what I am about to say. I just cannot keep my mouth shut! Oh, goodness, I guess I better just come out and say it then. No need for some dramatic hooplah.

Your owner is crazy.

What she did the other day to the two of you was perhaps one of the most deplorable displays of behavior I have ever seen! I was just minding my business raking the leaves when I saw the two of you scamper out onto your front yard. At first, I thought, "I never see Zeus and Isis outside," but I considered that perhaps your owner had finally loosened up on her strict No Outdoors policy.

You had only been out there for five minutes when she came out with guns blazing. She screamed, "What in the hell do you two think you are doing?" I was a bit befuddled seeing as though the two of you are cats, and she was talking to you like you were children. She said even louder, "There is no reason for the two of you to be out here!" I began to pretend I was raking, but to be honest, her tone made me curious so I continued to watch.

I noticed you listened immediately, Zeus. I was astounded! My own cat never listens to me when I tell him what to do! But Isis - oh, she was quite the kitty indeed. Your owner was so unimaginably cruel to her!

From where I was standing, I could see Isis arching her back and poofing herself out into a big, gray furball. She started hissing at your owner, but your owner was clearly too wrapped up in her own insanity to notice. She stated emphatically, "Listen, crazy: I'm not the people at DDO, and I will take you on, you little ten pound bitch! Get your ass in this house right now!" She pointed at the door, and Isis, to my utter amazement, listened right away.

I am deeply concerned for both of your well-beings. If you need a safe place to come to, you are more than welcome to stay with me. I need to be honest with you both though: If your owner continues with this crazy behavior, I will be calling CPS (Cat Protection Services), and I will be charging her with endangerment of felines. No cat should be embarassed like the two of you were.

Let me know if you need any help. I am here for the both of you.

Sincerely,

Mrs. McNickers

It's almost here...two times over!

As promised, we will be hosting a fabulous and insanely fun contest in honor of Molly Katz' latest book, 101 Reasons To Dump Your Man and Get a Cat. Our shipment of prizes has not come in yet, but do not lose hope! If all succeeds, we should get this party started at the end of the week. I'm very excited about it!

On a completely different track, the countdown has begun! The human pet's research proposal is due on November 13th. In the immortal words of her professor (known only to me as The Padre), it is "turned in to me at 5:30 and not 5:31. If you turn it into me at 5:31, I won't be taking it, and you will get an F." There's no pressure there whatsoever.

Keep it on the DL

If you're a music fan, a creative spirit, or perhaps, you just like a good laugh, check out The DL (that's "the downlow" for those who don't know) at AOL.com. The show is an online entertainment guide for the music industry. You can watch clips of interviews, upload your own videos, and catch up on some reading with the site's blog.

The human pet's brother is one of the writers for the show, and you can see him hamming it up in the episode, "Send Me An E-mail". Let him know what you think of the project by leaving him a comment!

Lecherous or lunacy? You decide.

I'm not even sure where to begin, but I feel the need to clear the air after Kukka's story. It's so difficult to admit that you have made a mistake, especially one as embarassing as this one. Unfortunately, I have to explain everything, and I can only hope that with your love, you will find the power to forgive me.

This previous Saturday was not a great day for me. No one ever enjoys being poked or prodded by strangers, and perhaps that is because strangers do not how to properly poke or prod you, but I digress. Needless to say, the news of my upcoming operation stunned me beyond words. It had all been too much to bear.

Now I've heard there are many words in the English language to describe what happened next: bashed, befuddled, boozed up, liquored up, canned, flushed, gassed, groggy, hammered, blitzed, juiced, jugged, inebriated, plowed, zonked, tipsy, totaled, wasted, soaked, sotted, oiled, or sloshed; however, none of those quite capture the essence of what came over me. You see, when I came home from the evil lair of Dr. Rodriguez, I felt a sudden and jarring pain along the right side of my mouth. It sent tingling signals to my brain, and the next thing I know, I felt compelled to drink.

"But Zeus," I hear you asking, "cats don't drink. What would make you have such an unnatural inclination?"
Well, dear reader, let me tell you about a movie I once saw entitled The Ghost and The Darkness. This movie tells the true story of the Tsavo maneating lions: two brothers who each suffered from an impacted canine tooth. They killed over 130 people in a nine month period. Thank goodness Val Kilmer and Michael Douglas were there to save the poor people in Uganda!

As I have two molars that are in great need of being pulled out, I theorize that this is what created the distinct need to drink inside of me. Just as the Tsavo lions went crazy and began hunting humans so I too went temporarily insane and began lusting for tequilla. I have had similar urges in previous months, but I was able to restrain myself. It's simply unfortunate that my will was weak this time.

I apologize to all of my readers for having to see me in such a state. Kukka-Maria's story is indeed all true, and to have you see those details brings forth a shame that only I can bear. If any of you know Val Kilmer or Michael Douglas, please contact them immediately as I feel they are the only two who can help me.

I'm afraid for my human pet. I'm afraid for Isis. I'm afraid of myself.

Thursday Thirteen Edition #13

Thirteen Things I'm Looking Forward To When My Human Pet Finishes Her Damn Research Proposal 1. Food is at the top of my list. You can't deny me for much longer, human pet. This morning, I was banging on your forehead with my massive headbutt at four o'clock. You're going to have to submit sooner or later. 2. Tummy rubs would be nice. When I roll over onto my back in the middle of hallway, you always think I am trying to trip you. Human pet, has it ever occurred to you that I just want lovin'? 3. Treats have been absent from the tip of my tongue for a rather long time, and what is worse is the fact that I know you have been stockpiling despite my deepest longings. I know you have a whole bunch from this past Secret Paw exchange. You might want to release the flood gates when you finish your proposal. 4. Whether you believe it or not, the dining room table misses me. Because it has the special glass top, I keep it warm when you are not here, human pet. With all of your papers covering it, it is freezing. I know you cannot hear its cry of misery, but that is because you do not have supersonic hearing like I do. 5. A clean litter box should be high on your priority list. Just because Xzibit pimped my box doesn't mean he is going to come over and clean it. I'm sure he has better things to do. You, on the other hand, won't. 6. The computer chair has been missing me. Were you aware of that? It's also afraid that you're going to take up permanent residency in it so you might want to explain to him that I'm coming back. I wouldn't want him to lose hope. 7. We're so going to play with my toys, human pet. You will owe me big time when you finish your proposal. Do you not see me when I grab my toy mice and drop them by your feet, or are you going blind from all the reading you have been doing? For all the times you have ignored me, we're going to be playing for days on end. 8. I'm looking forward to not getting yelled at, shooed, or shaken off of your beautiful leather satchel. When you stop going to this class, I know I will get away with sleeping, stretching, and clawing at it. However, right now, you seem to think that satchel is holy, and I end up suffering for it. 9. My blog misses me, human pet. Sure, you say that this week was fantastic in terms of entries and that you gave me plenty of time to do my thing, but what about next week or the week after that? I hate to tell you, but it's not always about you. 10. My friends miss me! I would like to be able to read about my fellow felines, canines, and homo sapien friends. I would like to know what is happening in all of their lives day by day as opposed to wishing them a happy birthday two to three days after the fact because my human pet someone was on the computer for hours upon hours. 11. I'm especially going to pounce on Isis like crazy and wrestle her to the ground repeatedly. For some reason, human pet, you have been entirely too stressed out that when the two of us play, you get very uppidity and tell us to stop. Here's a newsflash, woman: You're stressing us out. 12. I don't know if you're aware of this, human pet, but I can't wait to having you go to bed at an appropriate hour. These past three days with you heading off to sleep at one or two in the morning have really sucked put on a damper on our living arrangement. I'm definitely looking forward to a more stable you, human pet. 13. Above all, though, human pet, and I hope you don't take offense to this, I want you to go out and have some fun for yourself so that I can have The House to myself again. You need your space just like I need mine. I just feel like I have seen too much of you lately. If you want me to make advanced plans for you, let me know. I'm willing to do that for you. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Katz: A Name You Can Trust

Dear Mrs. Molly Katz,

Hello there! I am writing you to express my deepest appreciation for writing 101 Reasons to Dump Your Man and Get a Cat. You see, Mrs. Katz, I have been struggling with a rather intense situation for some time now, and your latest book was simply a godsend.

It was about three years ago when The Future Mate entered my life. He worked, went to school, took my human pet out for fun evenings, and even cooked for her. As the two of them began dating, though, I noticed my human pet slowly pulling away from me. At first, I let her get by without feeding me every morning. Then, it was every two days or so to clean the litter box. However, when the treats were in short supply because she had forgotten to buy some due to her evening out with The Future Mate, I had had enough!

I tried reasoning with her and showing her how much better I was. I attempted to display my powerful purr, my mighty headbutt, and my action-powered tailwhip ability. I nudged, rubbed, and stroked at her habitually. I even nibbled on her hand when she would pet me to show her I was the better species.

Three years later, though, I finally have the proof I need to convince her to lose The Future Mate and come back to me! It is all thanks to you, Mrs. Katz! I never thought about pointing out to my human pet that she doesn't need to call her girlfriends to analyze what I said. I hadn't even considered the fact that she doesn't need to remind me about using deoderant or how I will never use her toothbrush. You are also brilliant in suggesting the idea that I keep her company in the bathroom. The Future Mate would never do that! Ha!

Your book, Mrs. Katz, is simply a blessed gift to the feline community. So many of us are struggling to be rid of our homo sapien male competition. We have tried for ages to tell our loving female human pets that they would be better off without those males, but for some reason, they don't listen to us. (I suspect this is only due to the language barrier. Perhaps your next book could be Cat-o-nese as a Second Language.) With one of their own now reaching out to them through the pages of this book, I know our feline lives will only become better.

In honor of your fantastic book and its release on October 31, I will be presenting a contest for my readership so that I can spread your gospel to the far reaches of this world. Mrs. Katz, your message of hope cannot be kept a secret!

Thank you once again for your wonderful book, and may God bless you for revealing the truth we felines have known all along.

Sincerely,