Dear Zeus and Isis,
I'm not even sure how to start this letter. This is a rather touchy subject, and I know that this is probably not my place to say any of what I am about to say. I just cannot keep my mouth shut! Oh, goodness, I guess I better just come out and say it then. No need for some dramatic hooplah.
Your owner is crazy.
What she did the other day to the two of you was perhaps one of the most deplorable displays of behavior I have ever seen! I was just minding my business raking the leaves when I saw the two of you scamper out onto your front yard. At first, I thought, "I never see Zeus and Isis outside," but I considered that perhaps your owner had finally loosened up on her strict No Outdoors policy.
You had only been out there for five minutes when she came out with guns blazing. She screamed, "What in the hell do you two think you are doing?" I was a bit befuddled seeing as though the two of you are cats, and she was talking to you like you were children. She said even louder, "There is no reason for the two of you to be out here!" I began to pretend I was raking, but to be honest, her tone made me curious so I continued to watch.
I noticed you listened immediately, Zeus. I was astounded! My own cat never listens to me when I tell him what to do! But Isis - oh, she was quite the kitty indeed. Your owner was so unimaginably cruel to her!
From where I was standing, I could see Isis arching her back and poofing herself out into a big, gray furball. She started hissing at your owner, but your owner was clearly too wrapped up in her own insanity to notice. She stated emphatically, "Listen, crazy: I'm not the people at DDO, and I will take you on, you little ten pound bitch! Get your ass in this house right now!" She pointed at the door, and Isis, to my utter amazement, listened right away.
I am deeply concerned for both of your well-beings. If you need a safe place to come to, you are more than welcome to stay with me. I need to be honest with you both though: If your owner continues with this crazy behavior, I will be calling CPS (Cat Protection Services), and I will be charging her with endangerment of felines. No cat should be embarassed like the two of you were.
Let me know if you need any help. I am here for the both of you.