Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The Spa Day From Hell

For those felines and canines out there who may have doubted whether or not your human pets truly do love you, I urge you to read on. This is a true story concerning what happened to Isis and I when we went for a "spa day" at one of the local grooming parlors. The facts are true, and the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

It just so happened that Isis and I had received two free passes to the local grooming parlor known as DDO. (That's not the real name, but it's an abbreviation for the parlor.) My human pet called in advance to see what kind of parlor DDO was:

Human Pet: So how much experience do you have bathing cats?

Lady From DDO: Oh, I have ten years experience. I've seen it all. There's nothing I couldn't handle.

Human Pet: Ok, I don't doubt that, but when I tell you you will have problems with the two of them, you need to...

Lady From DDO: Ma'am, I promise you: Nothing bad will happen. Zeus and Isis will be fine! They'll love coming here.

Convinced she was probably overreacting, the human pet dropped us off promptly at 7:00 am yesterday morning. She was met by the woman she had spoken to on the phone, and they exchanged pleasantries. Isis and I were whisked off, though, behind the scenes, and it was then that I saw what kind of place this truly was.

As soon as the human pet left, the lady came over to my carrier, lifted the lid, and proceeded to force me onto this cold, metal table. She turned on the water very suddenly, and to be honest, this is where it gets a little hazy for me. All I remember is that I growled loudly at the lady, and when she came near to me with some soapy gunk, I lept onto the cabinets, hissing my defiance. She came after me, shouting at the top of her lungs, "Zeus! Zeus! Get down from there!" Ha! As if!

Two other people joined in the fray, and they chased me around the room. I dashed into a high corner by the ceiling and swatted at them with my big claws. I bared my teeth to let them know I meant business! When they got too close, I jumped down and ran along the floor, in between their legs. Unfortunately, though, they tried to subdue me with a cat muzzle (which I promptly ripped to shreds) and a blindfold (which was completely ridiculous because I shook it off). Finally, because the three humans couldn't figure out how to get me washed off, they shoved me into a crate and poured water on top of me.

They left me there for eight hours. In air conditioning. Soaking wet. With no food or water. Alone.

My sister, Isis, on the other hand, is psychotic. We all know this, but these humans did not. They attempted to get her out of her case, and she immediately crunched up into the back of the carrier. She puffed her fur out like a silver blowfish, and her eyes went from a beautiful emerald green to a frightening red. I believe her head even spun around a few times, and I think I overheard one of the humans scream, "She's vomiting green puke on me! She's possessed!"

However, I could hear Isis shouting in a demonic rage, her voice echoing off of the pale yellow walls: "You'll never take me alive, bitches! Come and get some! You want some of this? I'll give you some of this! Let me introduce you to my little friend!"

Thwap! Thwap! Smack! Hiss!

The humans decided they would not pursue washing my sister. They backed away slowly from the carrier, only to listen to the howls of amusement and pleasure emanating from my deranged sister. Apparently, Isis was too much of a threat to them with her ten pounds of fluffy fury.

I lost track of time as I sat alone in my cell. I dozed in and out of sleep, but sleep would not come easy as I listened to the anguished cries of so many others sent to this palace of torture. However, I think it might have been in the afternoon that I saw the lady who welcomed us in the morning come in on a cell phone:

Lady From DDO: Hello Ms. S.? [Yes?] Yes, we had some problems with Zeus and Isis that I think you should know about. [What do you mean, "problems?"] Well, we tried giving Zeus a bath, and he ended up almost hurting himself. [What do you mean he almost hurt himself?] Well, Ma'am, he just got very excited, and we had to stop his bath. [So you let him dry off with the soap on him?] Oh no, Ma'am. We finished the bath in his crate. [So how do you know he's clean? Is he even dry?] We let him dry off on his own. [Really?]

Umm, well and Is-Is ...[You mean, Isis?] Yes, Ma'am, Is-Is. Well he [her], umm, yes, he is a danger to himself as well as other people. [I'm sorry. Come again?] Is-Is put up such a fight that we found him to be too dangerous an animal to bathe. [Really?] Yes, really, and [I think I've heard enough. Especially considering this is the same woman who told me she had ten years experience and had seen everything.] Well, Ma'am, I...[No, I'm coming right now to pick them up, and we'll talk about this when I get there.]

The lady's skin turned white as she lowered the phone from her ear. I knew she was in for a ride now as my human pet doesn't take kindly to my being mistreated. I didn't have to wait long for her to arrive to the horrible haven of horrendous horrors. I heard her before I saw her:

"I want to see my pets please," stated the human pet.

"Ok, we'll get them right away," said the Lady From DDO.

When I came carried out in the carrier, my human pet's shackles rose. Her back arched while her nails exposed themselves from their sheaths. Her teeth looked extremely sharp as they poked through her curled lips, and every fur on her body stood on end.

"What happened to his face? That doesn't look like 'almost hurt himself' to me."

The lady behind the counter struggled and said, "Well, like we said..."

"Like we said nothing. I'm not paying you for these services. I may pay for the fact they have been here all day, but this is ridiculous. That's not almost. That is he hurt himself."

And then I watched them bring out my sister who immediately calmed down when she saw the human pet.

"And this one?" asked the human pet. "You mean to tell me that a ten pound cat beats three grown adults, all of whom told me they were professionals and had done this numerous times?"

You could tell the lady was becoming nervous by how she tapped the counter with her pen: "Well, perhaps next time you should give them a sedative. It usually makes them mopey and..."

"So I should drug them so that when you almost hurt them, they don't feel it as much?"

If silence is truly golden, friends, we would have been rich with how golden it was just then.

"Here's twenty-seven dollars for the time spent here. I won't be coming back, and now, thanks to this wonderful rendezvous, I get to take them to the vet to find out whether or not they're seriously injured. I really appreciate that! Honest, I do."

The human pet grabbed us by the carrier handles and escorted us to the car. I don't think those people at DDO knew what hit them.

In conclusion, I just have some scratches underneath my nose and on my whisker humps. I got some medicine at the vet's as well which was nice. The human pet took us home, and we slept soundly the entire evening. Is-Is (ha!) even curled up beside the human pet and nuzzled her softly.

The morals of the story: 1) Never accept free passes to a grooming parlor. 2) When in doubt of the situation, become completely insane, and you will be left alone. 3) Human pets, whether we know it or not, are our best ally, protector, and defender against incompetent bamboons who didn't evolve to grow real homo sapien intellectual capacity.

50 comments:

Carmen said...

Oh Zeus and Isis! I'm so glad your human pet told that place what to do with their experience. I hope you feel lots better very soon.

The Meezers said...

Oh Zeus, that was a horrible horrible fing that happened. What horrible people. Your human pet should call the local newspaper and tell them your story so that ofurr human pets don't bring their furbabies there.

Dachsies Rule said...

Zeus,

We are so glad you and Isis survived the ordeal! And to think what could have happened if you hadn't defended yourself so noblely! We are sure your human pet is glad to have gotten you out of there before anymore damage could happen.

Roxie, Sammy & Andy

Mama Duck said...

Oh no, you poor things!! I hope your human pet spreads the word so that no other cats suffer your fate! I hope you are much better behaved when your human pet bathes you.....

Kukka-Maria said...

What a horrific story! I encourage you to create an artist's rendering of each of the incompetent spa workers and post it here for everyone to see! Then, if I see them walk by my house, I can hiss at them (I'd do more, but I'm not allowed outside)!

Maybe Is-Is can help you draw them, Zues. He's such a good artist...that Is-Is.

Latte said...

Oh you poor things!! I think my human pet would have been spitting flames at the "nice" people. I'm sure your human pet will make it up to you! You guys are amazing!

The Tower Hill Mob said...

What a horror story for all concerned! Your Mum needs to file a complaint with the BBB (whatever THAT is) or at least tell everyone she knows not to go to that "spa"!
We kitties have to remember that beans usually mean well, even if things don't always work out.
We're sending headbonks to comfort you both.
Tilly and Toby

Ariel said...

Oh,my Zeus and Isis I'm so glad your okay. I'm so sorry to hear about your bad experience.Thank god
your mommy told those people off.Zeus my mommy was in tears when she read about them putting you alone and wet in a cage.She said she would like to do that to them she was so mad.Maybe your can report them so this never happens again.I send you and Isis Huggs and Purrs.

cat_aunty said...

Oh Zeus and Is-Is!! That was a horrible experience! And I feel sad that you and Is-Is had to go through so much anguish, fighting for your life. Hugs kisses and scritches to you both.

Tigersan said...

Oh my, this sounds like one of those scary movies that me can't watch! And you lived through it?!?!? Wow, you are super tough :)

Sam I Am said...

Zeus~
horror !!!!!We are glad you are okay.I will share mt treats with you that will make you feel better,

Chow for Now,
Sam

Cecilia said...

Poor Zeus and Isis. The Horror, the Horror! I hope your human pet is giving you lots of love and treats today.

DEBRA said...

OH Zeus and Isis

OH NO. How...oh my Why? Oh my this is just too much. We need to band together and ... hey rememeber yesterday Fat Eric had a posting about all the BIG boys out there... we could hire them to go ahhh 'take care' of this little parlor problem. Yeah, let's get them on the case they'll nefur mess wif kitties again!

Drop by and visit, it's our one year annerversarry today. Yippee

*ABBY

Junior said...

This is horrible! Simply horrible! I hope my Meowmy never takes me to a spa.

Gemini said...

Oh it sounds horrible. I am going to make my momma read this so she fogets about the whole shaving thing..

Renee said...

Wow! What a horrible groomer. I've heard many second hand (usually from another groomer...dissing a different place) stories about such goings on, but never a first hand account.
When I was a kitty slave, I did my own kitty baths. The cats weren't all that happy about the baths as they were quite sure that they could do the job themselves, but we had a terrible time with fleas in FL and had to make sure they didn't get any. No one ever got hurt or put in a crate wet...a bathroom with a space heater, yes...but not a crate. Kitties hate blow driers.

Lone Star Purrs said...

That's horrible!!!! We agree...you should report them to the BBB. We're glad that y'all weren't too badly hurt (physically)...emotionally, who knows? Your reaction sounds like what we do to Momma when she tries to give us our baths!
::purrs & headrubs::
~Meeko & Kiara

Badness said...

What?! I am so glad you and Isis made it through that horrible ordeal. The nerve of those humans!!!! Human pets may be irritating but they will always come to our defense we are being mistreated. I am suprised you human pet didn't scratch that ladies eyes out.

Kailani said...

Poor Zeus and Is-Is . . . I hope you're both feeling better by now. At least you now know how much your Human Pet loves you!

Happy0303 said...

Poor Zeus and Is-Is . . . I hope you're both feeling better by now. At least you now know how much your Human Pet loves you!

Pink Chihuahua Princess said...

Good for your human pet, Zues! Sometimes our Mommy tells us we are going to the PetMall (PetSmart) to get a mani and a pedi. I don't know why she makes it sound so glamerous because they just cut our nails, and they are very rough when they do it too. They aren't loving to us like our Mommy is.

We are sorry you had such a horrible experience at the "spa!"

ML (Mary Lynn) said...

Poor Zeus and Isis. I am so sorry to hear of your experience at the Spa. Bless your hearts.

My two kitties, Missy and KC, are in the Houston area also. Now I am terrified to let them go to a spa. I get all their grooming at the vets, the Houston Cat Hospital.

Hooray for you, Zeus and Isis, fighting back. Those horrid people. And good for your human Mommy as well.

I agree, she needs to notify the BBB and maybe someone like Lisa Foronda - 11 News Animal Attraction. She helped publicize our lonely kittens, and most found good homes.

Lilize said...

hahaha OMG

the house or terror couldn't be as bad as DDO! hehe

i think your human pet shouldn't have paid at all... and i say more!!! she should have sued them! hahaha..

brandi said...

Please have your bean report them to the BBB! And your bean should not have paid them at all, but sent the vet bill to them to pay! Mean, mean, mean "Spa from Hell". Bet they gave away coupons for free so they could sucker beans in....

We are so glad you are okay, and please please report that place!!

caspersmom said...

Gosh, what a story. So glad you didn't get a cold when you had to sit in your cage with water all over you, you must have been cold. Sounds like you and Is-Is sure gave them what for, good for you. Glad you were O.K. though. Your Momma Should have had DDO pay for the vet bill. Or is it DoDo

Oh btw, all I do is bat the froggies around. Sometimes I put them in my mouth and carry them around and give them a ride. Didn't catch any today just sat there looking for them. Mom came out several times to ask me to come in. She finally came out and got me. Oh well, there's another day.

Casper

Derby said...

Zeus and Isis what a horrible day for you. Mum says that unless I get into something where I really need a bath she won't give me one. Also would as the VET to recommend a spot.

But hisss to those terrible people. I agree with Brandi that the BBB needs to be contacted. And spread the word in the Houston area to stay away from them.

They said they had 10 years of experience. HA, probably more like 10 minutes.

Cal the Wonderdog said...

OMG! If that happened to my worst emeny I would snap my jaws so hard at them they would see stars for a week.

Unbeleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

I did enjoy the story very much though - you are a great storyteller Zeus.

Cal

PrincessMia said...

I'm so mad! There were horrible and I'm glad your Lady Pet told them off.

Samantha said...

Okay...I would just like to go and clobber all them people! Want me to? HUH? sheesh, some dumb humans!

NOLADawn said...

Oh what a horrendous day!! I'm so glad you and Is-Is are home safe and sound (and drugged up!)

Edsel/The Pooch said...

awful people

kattonic said...

Ten years experience doing what? Not cat bathing! I would definitely report them. I had a rather *ahem* rotund long haired cat that needed butt shaves and clump removals about every three months. The groomer my vet suggested had a cell phone listed in her ad - she wanted to meet the kitty before I even made an appointment, wanted me to tour her facility and make sure both the cat and I were comfortable before hand. It got to the point where I'd take out the carrier and say "bath day" and she'd jump in the carrier and start purring. Mary is a wonderful cat groomer, and when my Punkin got cancer and had surgery and chemo she came to my house to trim her nails and brush her "because, just like people, they like to look their best". Please feel better Zeus and Isis, I'm sorry that "Mary the Cat Lady" isn't in Houston. I bet she'd love you too.

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

What more can we add to all of the above comments??? Zeusie we hope you are not traumatized and that Isis is doing ok. Her rare talent for demonic possession seems to come in handy at times.We have never had water baths, except Shaggy gets his butt washed in the laundry sink when he gets poopie butt.

WendyWings said...

Oh no you poor things, not my idea of a nice day at the spa, your human pet must have been so upset.

Buddy said...

Zeus Dude!!! I am with Abby (congrats by the way Abby!!) We should hire some thugs to ruff em up like they did you...Midnight says she has no doubt you are still Mr. Sexsahh!! Puss says good job Isis! Thats exactly what the tabby handbook says to do. Loud & Proud~Pussalapigus

Patches & Mittens said...

Yes, the BBB (whatever that is) needs to be contacted and these people run out of town on a rail (that last part Momma told me to say) Thank goodness you are alright.

Patches

Lisa said...

Oh no, poor little Zeus and Isis!!! I am so sorry this has happened to you two!!! Tell your human never again! I hope you get to feeling better soon!

Mommy the Maid said...

You poor kitties!! I am so glad the human pet decided to let them have it. I would advise her to not only contact any forms of media that my be interested, but also the Humane Society. It is ABUSE to lock an animal in a cage and dump water on them.

I am so sorry you had to go through with that.

Kimo & Sabi said...

Oooooooh! You guys have a great Mommakitty to stick up for you like that - our Mommakitty wouldn't take that poopy attitude either! We don't go to a groomer - Mommakitty uses "wipes" on us. Hope you don't suffer from PTGD (post traumatic groomer disorder)!

BTW - thanks for visiting our site - we'll post your link.
Kimo & Sabi

Nathalie said...

Oh poor Zeus and Is-Is!
Why would anyone think that you should need a bath?
If my human pet would do that, I would most definitely start to hyperventilate, just like the times when she decides I need to go to the vet!
I hope you never need to go anywhere unpleasant ever again!
Proppie

Beau Beau & Angie said...

Are you ok now? We hope efurry cut you gots is healing ok. That sounds like an awful fing to haf happend to you Zeus, and speshully Isis, Queen of the throne, who deserves royal treatment always.

Fat Eric said...

OMG!!! I only just read this and I am horrified by what you and Isis went through, Zeus! I hope your face is feeling better now. I don't have water baths and I am so thankful! Hope your mum can warn some other people about this bunch of idiots.

KXBC said...

Poor things you two.

Your mum should publish the name of this so-called parlour/spa and the address so that innocent cats will not suffer the same fate as you.

Rascal said...

Zeus, that was a nightmare that no Cat should have to put up with. Those humans are a menace and shouldn't be allowed to be in business. Maybe your lady pet needs to warn other humans.

Three said...

I'm glad you guys survived the trip! It sounded dreadful. :( Thankfully Ma has never taken any of us to such places. We all kick up enough of a fuss going into the carrier already. Heh...

FiveCats

Darcy X said...

Yeowl!

Me and my posse of friends -- including One-Eye Jack--would be glad to go over to that place and beat up on the stupid humans.

Shmoo said...

Good work Zeus and Is-Is. We will count on you to help us determine the good humans from the bad humans.

Meeshka

Dusty Doodles said...

Doodles knew it, I just knew that they torture animules at those spa places. With us dogs they steal our fur and cut our toes -- just ask Sadie Mae, my cousin! Doodles is sorry you had such a bad time and I am ready to go do the bitie thing on those peepols.

Mouse said...

Zeus, my mommy got so mad when she read that you were left in the cage wet, all day. It made her very very sad. She says that those stoopid beans must not have any kittys of their own if they treated you like that. And then she said some of those words that I have to go look up.

Cheese has to get his butt shaved every few months but she takes him to the V-E-T cause she believes they do a better job of loving him and mommy never leaves the room. The one time mommy left Cheese in the room with the V-E-T was when he had to get his anal glands expressed and he screamed. Mommy started to cry and had to leave. The man with the big fingers said Cheese wasnt hurt, just mad, but mommy cried anyway.

Eric and Flynn said...

Oh no!!! Poor Zeus and Isis. We hopes you are bofe recuvvering now. We don't know what the BBB is, but if it's like the "Cat's Protection League" in the UK, we fink your mum should def-furr-nately report those evil spa peepul, so no uvver poor kitties haf to go thru wot you did.