The Spa Day From Hell

For those felines and canines out there who may have doubted whether or not your human pets truly do love you, I urge you to read on. This is a true story concerning what happened to Isis and I when we went for a "spa day" at one of the local grooming parlors. The facts are true, and the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

It just so happened that Isis and I had received two free passes to the local grooming parlor known as DDO. (That's not the real name, but it's an abbreviation for the parlor.) My human pet called in advance to see what kind of parlor DDO was:

Human Pet: So how much experience do you have bathing cats?

Lady From DDO: Oh, I have ten years experience. I've seen it all. There's nothing I couldn't handle.

Human Pet: Ok, I don't doubt that, but when I tell you you will have problems with the two of them, you need to...

Lady From DDO: Ma'am, I promise you: Nothing bad will happen. Zeus and Isis will be fine! They'll love coming here.

Convinced she was probably overreacting, the human pet dropped us off promptly at 7:00 am yesterday morning. She was met by the woman she had spoken to on the phone, and they exchanged pleasantries. Isis and I were whisked off, though, behind the scenes, and it was then that I saw what kind of place this truly was.

As soon as the human pet left, the lady came over to my carrier, lifted the lid, and proceeded to force me onto this cold, metal table. She turned on the water very suddenly, and to be honest, this is where it gets a little hazy for me. All I remember is that I growled loudly at the lady, and when she came near to me with some soapy gunk, I lept onto the cabinets, hissing my defiance. She came after me, shouting at the top of her lungs, "Zeus! Zeus! Get down from there!" Ha! As if!

Two other people joined in the fray, and they chased me around the room. I dashed into a high corner by the ceiling and swatted at them with my big claws. I bared my teeth to let them know I meant business! When they got too close, I jumped down and ran along the floor, in between their legs. Unfortunately, though, they tried to subdue me with a cat muzzle (which I promptly ripped to shreds) and a blindfold (which was completely ridiculous because I shook it off). Finally, because the three humans couldn't figure out how to get me washed off, they shoved me into a crate and poured water on top of me.

They left me there for eight hours. In air conditioning. Soaking wet. With no food or water. Alone.

My sister, Isis, on the other hand, is psychotic. We all know this, but these humans did not. They attempted to get her out of her case, and she immediately crunched up into the back of the carrier. She puffed her fur out like a silver blowfish, and her eyes went from a beautiful emerald green to a frightening red. I believe her head even spun around a few times, and I think I overheard one of the humans scream, "She's vomiting green puke on me! She's possessed!"

However, I could hear Isis shouting in a demonic rage, her voice echoing off of the pale yellow walls: "You'll never take me alive, bitches! Come and get some! You want some of this? I'll give you some of this! Let me introduce you to my little friend!"

Thwap! Thwap! Smack! Hiss!

The humans decided they would not pursue washing my sister. They backed away slowly from the carrier, only to listen to the howls of amusement and pleasure emanating from my deranged sister. Apparently, Isis was too much of a threat to them with her ten pounds of fluffy fury.

I lost track of time as I sat alone in my cell. I dozed in and out of sleep, but sleep would not come easy as I listened to the anguished cries of so many others sent to this palace of torture. However, I think it might have been in the afternoon that I saw the lady who welcomed us in the morning come in on a cell phone:

Lady From DDO: Hello Ms. S.? [Yes?] Yes, we had some problems with Zeus and Isis that I think you should know about. [What do you mean, "problems?"] Well, we tried giving Zeus a bath, and he ended up almost hurting himself. [What do you mean he almost hurt himself?] Well, Ma'am, he just got very excited, and we had to stop his bath. [So you let him dry off with the soap on him?] Oh no, Ma'am. We finished the bath in his crate. [So how do you know he's clean? Is he even dry?] We let him dry off on his own. [Really?]

Umm, well and Is-Is ...[You mean, Isis?] Yes, Ma'am, Is-Is. Well he [her], umm, yes, he is a danger to himself as well as other people. [I'm sorry. Come again?] Is-Is put up such a fight that we found him to be too dangerous an animal to bathe. [Really?] Yes, really, and [I think I've heard enough. Especially considering this is the same woman who told me she had ten years experience and had seen everything.] Well, Ma'am, I...[No, I'm coming right now to pick them up, and we'll talk about this when I get there.]

The lady's skin turned white as she lowered the phone from her ear. I knew she was in for a ride now as my human pet doesn't take kindly to my being mistreated. I didn't have to wait long for her to arrive to the horrible haven of horrendous horrors. I heard her before I saw her:

"I want to see my pets please," stated the human pet.

"Ok, we'll get them right away," said the Lady From DDO.

When I came carried out in the carrier, my human pet's shackles rose. Her back arched while her nails exposed themselves from their sheaths. Her teeth looked extremely sharp as they poked through her curled lips, and every fur on her body stood on end.

"What happened to his face? That doesn't look like 'almost hurt himself' to me."

The lady behind the counter struggled and said, "Well, like we said..."

"Like we said nothing. I'm not paying you for these services. I may pay for the fact they have been here all day, but this is ridiculous. That's not almost. That is he hurt himself."

And then I watched them bring out my sister who immediately calmed down when she saw the human pet.

"And this one?" asked the human pet. "You mean to tell me that a ten pound cat beats three grown adults, all of whom told me they were professionals and had done this numerous times?"

You could tell the lady was becoming nervous by how she tapped the counter with her pen: "Well, perhaps next time you should give them a sedative. It usually makes them mopey and..."

"So I should drug them so that when you almost hurt them, they don't feel it as much?"

If silence is truly golden, friends, we would have been rich with how golden it was just then.

"Here's twenty-seven dollars for the time spent here. I won't be coming back, and now, thanks to this wonderful rendezvous, I get to take them to the vet to find out whether or not they're seriously injured. I really appreciate that! Honest, I do."

The human pet grabbed us by the carrier handles and escorted us to the car. I don't think those people at DDO knew what hit them.

In conclusion, I just have some scratches underneath my nose and on my whisker humps. I got some medicine at the vet's as well which was nice. The human pet took us home, and we slept soundly the entire evening. Is-Is (ha!) even curled up beside the human pet and nuzzled her softly.

The morals of the story: 1) Never accept free passes to a grooming parlor. 2) When in doubt of the situation, become completely insane, and you will be left alone. 3) Human pets, whether we know it or not, are our best ally, protector, and defender against incompetent bamboons who didn't evolve to grow real homo sapien intellectual capacity.