Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Katz: A Name You Can Trust

Dear Mrs. Molly Katz,

Hello there! I am writing you to express my deepest appreciation for writing 101 Reasons to Dump Your Man and Get a Cat. You see, Mrs. Katz, I have been struggling with a rather intense situation for some time now, and your latest book was simply a godsend.

It was about three years ago when The Future Mate entered my life. He worked, went to school, took my human pet out for fun evenings, and even cooked for her. As the two of them began dating, though, I noticed my human pet slowly pulling away from me. At first, I let her get by without feeding me every morning. Then, it was every two days or so to clean the litter box. However, when the treats were in short supply because she had forgotten to buy some due to her evening out with The Future Mate, I had had enough!

I tried reasoning with her and showing her how much better I was. I attempted to display my powerful purr, my mighty headbutt, and my action-powered tailwhip ability. I nudged, rubbed, and stroked at her habitually. I even nibbled on her hand when she would pet me to show her I was the better species.

Three years later, though, I finally have the proof I need to convince her to lose The Future Mate and come back to me! It is all thanks to you, Mrs. Katz! I never thought about pointing out to my human pet that she doesn't need to call her girlfriends to analyze what I said. I hadn't even considered the fact that she doesn't need to remind me about using deoderant or how I will never use her toothbrush. You are also brilliant in suggesting the idea that I keep her company in the bathroom. The Future Mate would never do that! Ha!

Your book, Mrs. Katz, is simply a blessed gift to the feline community. So many of us are struggling to be rid of our homo sapien male competition. We have tried for ages to tell our loving female human pets that they would be better off without those males, but for some reason, they don't listen to us. (I suspect this is only due to the language barrier. Perhaps your next book could be Cat-o-nese as a Second Language.) With one of their own now reaching out to them through the pages of this book, I know our feline lives will only become better.

In honor of your fantastic book and its release on October 31, I will be presenting a contest for my readership so that I can spread your gospel to the far reaches of this world. Mrs. Katz, your message of hope cannot be kept a secret!

Thank you once again for your wonderful book, and may God bless you for revealing the truth we felines have known all along.

Sincerely,

22 comments:

Carmen said...

Zeus, I hope this book helps with your human male troubles. :) However, maybe you and your human pet can come to a middle ground. She can keep the male, and STILL give you treats. :)

The Meezers said...

oh Zeus, we hope this helps wif your Human Pet. Maybe she just needs a stern talking to about the care and feeding of her feline companions.

Latte said...

Yeah, I don't like when the Chip Man gets attention I should be getting. I just go put the bitey on his stuff and that tends to at least give me some relief.

Sparky Duck said...

Zeus,

Kittie E Cat says that this book is a blessing, though I must say, it comes to late for me, since I have grown attached to the Evil One. I went days and days without food, ok, food on my schedule, and litter box cleaning, Hah! Please do your best to lay those pages around for your Pet to see, so you may avoid the discomfort of my previous years. Things are much better now, but thats because Eve is now my mommy, the buildup was stressful.

Kittie E Cat (with help from Sparky)

Sparky Duck said...

PS...

and can you BELIEVE Kittie E Cat was not invited to the wedding?? my Daddy heard a mouthful from that one let me tell you!

Renee said...

Sounds like a great book! I know that Darly would really like to have a cat.

Gemini said...

I'll take 50 copies. I'm sure if I just bury my human female in them she will get rid of the human male. I KNOW it. What's the ocntest?

Rascal said...

I dunno. My strategy has been to win the human male to my side, so that when I'm around, the human female is the one feeling neglected.

Kukka-Maria said...

What? I have humans living with me? How puzzling...

That sounds like a great book, Zeuster! I can't wait to win whatever contest you're going to throw our way.

Just make it worth my while, okay? You know I like some sort of a challenge...

Fat Eric said...

Oh, but dad's hair tastes so much better than mum's hair when I feel the need to eat human hair in the morning. And if you have two humans you can sometimes blag two breakfasts!

I am deeply hurt that you think my French food bowl is effeminate...

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Zeus, dude, you have everything a woman needs. With your rugged good looks, charm, superior intelligence, wit & personality, what else would a woman want? If it ever comes to a showdown, we think you'd win out over "The Future Mate" easily!

George & Max

Anonymous said...

Dear Zeus,

Glad you like my human partner's book, 101 REASONS TO DUMP YOUR MAN AND GET A CAT. It took her a loooong time and many feline hints to get the picture, but now her talents flow in a CATpassionate direction, and we shall all benefit.

Purrs,
Buddy

PS - You're ONE cat, and you think getting your litter box changed every second day is a bad thing? Two words: puh-leeze.............

Anonymous said...

Out problem is that the Man wants to pet us and pick us up all the time. We only like our Mom to pick us up.

Aloysius said...

Zeus,
At first I thought you were referring to me, Aloysius Katz. If it makes any difference, I find that human males, once they are domesticated (they call it marriage), are much more easily trained than is commonly believed. Good luck!

Junior said...

Oh my...I am gonna get my Meowm this book so she stays away from those bean males!

kailani said...

How funny! I don't think DH appreciated it very much, though. LOL!

Beau Beau & Angie said...

Thankfully SOMEONE knows how to tell the troof bout a cats life.

PrincessMia said...

Beanmom needs that book!!! I can't wait for the contest.

William said...

Maybe if you took your human pet to the vet for that special visit she would be much calmer--plus, she'd be all yours again.

Grr, Midnight & Cocoa said...

well, in all fairness ta sum of our furrends, sum of you seem ta haf furry good daddys that ya like a lot an (frum what we hear) are really great people. BUT...that book sounds like our Lady's kinda deal rite there! she's had men, she's had cats - guess which one ALWAYS provides a happier life (for her)? an, by the way, our Lady's lawyer is named Neil Katz. she picked him on account of his name.

Colleen Gleason said...

Zeus, you need to get this book on Oprah...or the feline equivalent.

Great post. I love your blog.

You should come by and enter your pet (or yourself!) in my contest!

Bob-kat said...

Zeus, I couldn't agree more with you. My cat Bob has always had his treats and is always there under my feet trying to help in some way. Of course I appreciate his efforts but sometimes wish he would he wouldn't help on the stairs so much! :0)