Dear Mrs. Molly Katz,
Hello there! I am writing you to express my deepest appreciation for writing 101 Reasons to Dump Your Man and Get a Cat. You see, Mrs. Katz, I have been struggling with a rather intense situation for some time now, and your latest book was simply a godsend.
It was about three years ago when The Future Mate entered my life. He worked, went to school, took my human pet out for fun evenings, and even cooked for her. As the two of them began dating, though, I noticed my human pet slowly pulling away from me. At first, I let her get by without feeding me every morning. Then, it was every two days or so to clean the litter box. However, when the treats were in short supply because she had forgotten to buy some due to her evening out with The Future Mate, I had had enough!
I tried reasoning with her and showing her how much better I was. I attempted to display my powerful purr, my mighty headbutt, and my action-powered tailwhip ability. I nudged, rubbed, and stroked at her habitually. I even nibbled on her hand when she would pet me to show her I was the better species.
Three years later, though, I finally have the proof I need to convince her to lose The Future Mate and come back to me! It is all thanks to you, Mrs. Katz! I never thought about pointing out to my human pet that she doesn't need to call her girlfriends to analyze what I said. I hadn't even considered the fact that she doesn't need to remind me about using deoderant or how I will never use her toothbrush. You are also brilliant in suggesting the idea that I keep her company in the bathroom. The Future Mate would never do that! Ha!
Your book, Mrs. Katz, is simply a blessed gift to the feline community. So many of us are struggling to be rid of our homo sapien male competition. We have tried for ages to tell our loving female human pets that they would be better off without those males, but for some reason, they don't listen to us. (I suspect this is only due to the language barrier. Perhaps your next book could be Cat-o-nese as a Second Language.) With one of their own now reaching out to them through the pages of this book, I know our feline lives will only become better.
In honor of your fantastic book and its release on October 31, I will be presenting a contest for my readership so that I can spread your gospel to the far reaches of this world. Mrs. Katz, your message of hope cannot be kept a secret!
Thank you once again for your wonderful book, and may God bless you for revealing the truth we felines have known all along.