Thursday, November 02, 2006

Lecherous or lunacy? You decide.

I'm not even sure where to begin, but I feel the need to clear the air after Kukka's story. It's so difficult to admit that you have made a mistake, especially one as embarassing as this one. Unfortunately, I have to explain everything, and I can only hope that with your love, you will find the power to forgive me.

This previous Saturday was not a great day for me. No one ever enjoys being poked or prodded by strangers, and perhaps that is because strangers do not how to properly poke or prod you, but I digress. Needless to say, the news of my upcoming operation stunned me beyond words. It had all been too much to bear.

Now I've heard there are many words in the English language to describe what happened next: bashed, befuddled, boozed up, liquored up, canned, flushed, gassed, groggy, hammered, blitzed, juiced, jugged, inebriated, plowed, zonked, tipsy, totaled, wasted, soaked, sotted, oiled, or sloshed; however, none of those quite capture the essence of what came over me. You see, when I came home from the evil lair of Dr. Rodriguez, I felt a sudden and jarring pain along the right side of my mouth. It sent tingling signals to my brain, and the next thing I know, I felt compelled to drink.

"But Zeus," I hear you asking, "cats don't drink. What would make you have such an unnatural inclination?"
Well, dear reader, let me tell you about a movie I once saw entitled The Ghost and The Darkness. This movie tells the true story of the Tsavo maneating lions: two brothers who each suffered from an impacted canine tooth. They killed over 130 people in a nine month period. Thank goodness Val Kilmer and Michael Douglas were there to save the poor people in Uganda!

As I have two molars that are in great need of being pulled out, I theorize that this is what created the distinct need to drink inside of me. Just as the Tsavo lions went crazy and began hunting humans so I too went temporarily insane and began lusting for tequilla. I have had similar urges in previous months, but I was able to restrain myself. It's simply unfortunate that my will was weak this time.

I apologize to all of my readers for having to see me in such a state. Kukka-Maria's story is indeed all true, and to have you see those details brings forth a shame that only I can bear. If any of you know Val Kilmer or Michael Douglas, please contact them immediately as I feel they are the only two who can help me.

I'm afraid for my human pet. I'm afraid for Isis. I'm afraid of myself.

15 comments:

The Meezers said...

Zeusie, once you get your teef fixed, you will feel better. We don't blame you for your prollem - you were in pain and you weren't finking clearly. Obviously, you are a kitty in need of some Human Pet caring and cuddling. And also in need of unnerstanding from all of us in the cat blogsphere. You're still the Zeuster to us - you are one awsome cat!

when is your oper-way-shun?

kattonic said...

Ugh, yoo can be forgiffen fur ur laps in jujment. Soor teef will make good kitties do bad fings. I'm shur Kukka will forgif yoo. O.K. maybee a gift will haf to be involved. Hang in der, ull feel better once dat toofie is fixed.
Princess Ziporah (Zippy) (who's been der)

Latte said...

Bad teeth are bad things indeed. No one can fault you for your drinking, your human pet hasn't been there for you, you've been poked & proded, you have to have surgery, and then all the issues with Kukka.

I don't blame you Zeus, and it will get better soon!

Kukka-Maria said...

Hmmm...

First off, thank you for corroborating my story. It is of the utmost importance that everyone be reminded I was right and not wrong.

The questions no one seems to be asking, Zeus, are these:

• Why drunk-dial my AGENT? Is she that much more attractive than me? Does my bundonkadonk not do it for you anymore?

• Why did your Human Pet think it appropriate to mix Tequila Spritzers for you paw over fist? Don't you think a responsible Human Pet would have encouraged you to do something more productive than get shit-faced? I'm just sayin'...

• Now that you've tasted the devil's juice, do you think you will abstain from drinking once your molars are extracted? Are you strong enough to "just say no?"

• Do you really think Val Kilmer and Michael Douglas will take time from their rigorous schedules of admiring me to come to your aid? That one is easy. Yes. I'll ask them to do that as a personal favor to me.

You know how I adore you, Zeus, and I want what's best for you. I think next time you're soused, you shouldn't refrain from drunk-dialing...YOU JUST REMEMBER TO ASK FOR ME WHEN YOU CALL!

Carmen said...

there are 2 sides to every story Zeus. i'm glad you filled in the gaps. i don't know Val or Michael, if I did, I'm not sure I'd let 'em up for air, but when i was done with them, I'd definitely send them to help you.

You know what works for tooth pain? Vicadin. You won't care a thing about your teeth. Of course, then you might still 'drunk' dial kukka, but you won't care about that either.

DEBRA said...

Zeus

We can talk...letteme tell you havin toofies out is no walk in da park, ya 'know? Well I had a toof that had to be X-tracted. Momma wouldn't let me eat nofink for many many hours. She only let me have water. I should have know somefink bad was comin when they took me to the VET early one morning and just left me there. I won't speak of the horrible finks that they did to me. I couldn't even bear to tell Momma. When I woke up I was calling for Momma. She wasn't there I got scairt. Finally Momma came to save me and when she did all my furrs were a mess I was wild eyed and crying! For heaven sakes woman get me out of here. It took two days a'fore I could calm down. I can only tell you that I was glad once it was all ofur, but I hopes I nefur has to go frou that again! I'm wif ya Zeus!

*Abby

Kukka-Maria said...

You know, after reading Abby's tale of torment, perhaps you should do a couple of tequila shooters before your operation! It might be just the thing to ease your pain...

Also, I think you should wear your ninja costume when you go to the vet. It will remind them you have the skillz to kick ass if they do you wrong!

Just don't fall asleep wearing it then like you did on Halloween. Sleepy ninjas just aren't scary!

Junior said...

Oh Zeus.....you will not turn on your family! You are just to sweet and loving to do that! Once your teeth are fixed you will feel like a new cat!

Pink Chihuahua Princess said...

Zeus, baby! We hear you. Our ex-step daddy used to try to give us chihuahuas beer. We hated it, but he just kept trying. Maybe that's why Mommy didn't like him anymore.

PrincessMia said...

Oh Zeus,

First of all, can I just mention that Kukka said "bundonkadonk"?

Just had to say it, that's all.

Back to you, my dear Zeus. I'm so sorry that you are going to have to face such a procedure. I hope that you will be completely knocked out during your surgery. I will be thinking of you.

::purr::

Anonymous said...

Hi Zeus,
I like Guinness so more power to you Z!!!! Hey, maybe you can find a cat that looks like Dean Martin and one that looks like Jerry Lewis and one like Liza Minelli and start the "Cat Pack" and you can keep boozing your way to singing stardom.

Cal

Les Trois Chats said...

Zeus, that is definitely one of the scariest movies ever - though we didn't know the lions had a REASON for the rampage... although not a very good one, come to think of it...

Hope you get those teeth fixed and are feeling much better soon! (Mom said she best likes Val Kilmer from Tombstone, where he said stuff like, "I'm your huckleberry."

Heehee...

caspersmom said...

Goodness Zeus, sorry to hear about your teeth. Hope after you have them out you will feel so much better. If you are going to have some tequila have a few margaritas. They taste good and put you in la-la land and you won't feel a thing.

Casper

Dianne said...

Pal, numb yourself with catnip-lots and lots of it. It will soon be over if you keep yourself in a state of kitty oblivion.

Buddy said...

Hey Zeus dude...The good news is that the anestesia they use today is lots better than when I was 1 1/2 yrs old I got a toof cleaning and I had a complication. Mom took a week of work cause I couldnt walk. Both my 3rd eyes were up and my head shook. She carried me to the food, cat box and stuff cause we had stone tile in the house and I would fall hard. I had gone from king of the house to Puss pushing me down!!! Then midnight came and helped me get better. Puss just had her toof taken out and she had no problem. The vet said cause 8 yrs ago they had bad stuff to put us out. Puss feels better now and you will to dude!
Headbutts and heal quick.

Buddy, Puss & Midnight