I'm not even sure where to begin, but I feel the need to clear the air after Kukka's story. It's so difficult to admit that you have made a mistake, especially one as embarassing as this one. Unfortunately, I have to explain everything, and I can only hope that with your love, you will find the power to forgive me.
This previous Saturday was not a great day for me. No one ever enjoys being poked or prodded by strangers, and perhaps that is because strangers do not how to properly poke or prod you, but I digress. Needless to say, the news of my upcoming operation stunned me beyond words. It had all been too much to bear.
Now I've heard there are many words in the English language to describe what happened next: bashed, befuddled, boozed up, liquored up, canned, flushed, gassed, groggy, hammered, blitzed, juiced, jugged, inebriated, plowed, zonked, tipsy, totaled, wasted, soaked, sotted, oiled, or sloshed; however, none of those quite capture the essence of what came over me. You see, when I came home from the evil lair of Dr. Rodriguez, I felt a sudden and jarring pain along the right side of my mouth. It sent tingling signals to my brain, and the next thing I know, I felt compelled to drink.
"But Zeus," I hear you asking, "cats don't drink. What would make you have such an unnatural inclination?"
Well, dear reader, let me tell you about a movie I once saw entitled The Ghost and The Darkness. This movie tells the true story of the Tsavo maneating lions: two brothers who each suffered from an impacted canine tooth. They killed over 130 people in a nine month period. Thank goodness Val Kilmer and Michael Douglas were there to save the poor people in Uganda!
As I have two molars that are in great need of being pulled out, I theorize that this is what created the distinct need to drink inside of me. Just as the Tsavo lions went crazy and began hunting humans so I too went temporarily insane and began lusting for tequilla. I have had similar urges in previous months, but I was able to restrain myself. It's simply unfortunate that my will was weak this time.
I apologize to all of my readers for having to see me in such a state. Kukka-Maria's story is indeed all true, and to have you see those details brings forth a shame that only I can bear. If any of you know Val Kilmer or Michael Douglas, please contact them immediately as I feel they are the only two who can help me.
I'm afraid for my human pet. I'm afraid for Isis. I'm afraid of myself.