Face to the paw style

Deep in the Forbidden Valley of the Shadow,

One stands cloaked by morning mist, dew clinging to his garments.

He surveys the battleground, proud and unafraid for he is...

TINY NINJA!

"Face to the paw style! How you like it?"

Happy Halloween everyone!

The annual exam

I'd love to tell you what a fantastic weekend I had, but no, it wasn't that way at all. In fact, it was downright horrible. I'm just so glad to have it all behind me; however, I suspect there's more to come.

First, we all had to wake up at 6:00 in the morning on Saturday. I had no idea why until I saw the carriers come out of the garage. "You woke me up for this? To go to the vet's? Are you serious?" I queried. This led to being chased all around the house until the human pet caught both Isis and myself.

"I lick you. I bathe you. I purr against you. This is what you do to repay me? Why? Why do you do this to me, human pet?" I lamented.

Isis, on the other hand, released a vile string of expletives.

We arrived for our appointment at 8:00. There was some crazy Dachsund in the lobby - not to be confused with the really awesome Dachsunds at Dachsies Rule! - who kept trying to choke on his leash. I hadn't thought he had any will to live as he did it repeatedly. Then he said to me with a glazed look in his eye, "I need to go wee-wee! I need to go wee-wee! Help me! Help me! I need to go to wee-wee!"

It all became clear to me. Crystal.

Dr. Rodriguez met with us. She could be a really nice lady if she weren't a vet. I was more than a tad cranky with her. I didn't let her weigh me, and I certainly hadn't like the pressure down on my lower section. She was not going to look in my ears, and when she started poking at my gums, that was the last straw. She's lucky she got a blood sample from me!

Apparently, I need to have a dental procedure immediately. Yeah...like I'm going to let that happen.

Isis, on the other hand, submitted gracefully. (That was shocking!) They weighed her, put the pressure on her, and gave her annual shots. When Dr. Rodriguez came back in, though, she told all of us that Isis was overweight! I laughed and laughed, but then she said I possibly was too. I cried and cried.

Now, Isis and I are limited to one can of wet food per day. We have to split it between the two of us. We get one fourth of dry food now too if we bug the human pet too much. I don't know how much more I can take even if it has been two days!

My life was fine until you stepped in, Dr. Rodriguez. I hate you.

My committment to my readers

It's no secret that I have not had much to offer the blogosphere as of late. I'm not surprised if you, the reader, have moved on to bigger and better blogs. I admit that it hurts, but if I were in your paws, I'd probably have said my good-byes long ago as well.

However, as a firm believer in the power of self-reflection and examination, I sat down with myself and had a long, thought-provoking plunge into my psyche:

Self, why can I not become inspired to write the beautiful, intriguing pieces of witty banter as I did three months ago?

Well, Zeus, it's because your human pet has been on the computer for what seems like forever.

True, Self, but I think that excuse only carries one so far.

Perhaps it's because you're horny? You know...being a male cat, you have needs.

Really, Self? Even if I have had the hoohah-ectomy? You think that's it?

Abso-freakin'-lutely.

For the sake of my blog and its readers, I decided I needed to find a femme feline, and I needed to find her now. If I didn't do something about this growing problem, I could possibly be looking at falling to the bottom of every blog list imaginable. I couldn't waste anymore time!

I decided to do my research by visiting Become A Player's website. They have a fabulous listing of online articles that cover a wide variety of subjects such as how to cure your fear of women, how to let women know you're available, and conversational strategies. I was very intrigued by the last article's title so I decided to read this one in-depth.

I noted all of the major points:

1. It REALLY doesn’t matter WHAT you talk about, so long as you make it interesting. I've said this again and again, but let me stress it now: you can talk about ANYTHING, and it will be okay.

2. The Golden Silence is as good as The Golden Tongue.

3. Pick a key word from her conversation and riff off of it.

It was then that my Self spoke up:

You know what would be a good idea? You should call someone for practice! You definitely shouldn't attempt this without practicing. Why not call one of those phone numbers you see on the television all the time?

I don't know, Self. Don't those cost money?

Sure, they do, but the human pet won't find out about it for at least a month. Whatever happened to taking care of Number One?

Self, you're right. Sometimes, it has to be about me.

I went to the phone and pawed in the digits for one of the more popular numbers: 1-900-HOT-BABE. I was met by a recorded message telling me about all of the wonderful and helpful ladies I would be interacting with, and it was followed by a prompt that asked me if I was over 18. I hit the pound key to confirm, and I was immediately connected to a very nice and friendly lady named Jigglin' Jill.

"Hey there, sexy. Wanna know what I'm wearin'?"

I decided to try Point #1 first: "Hello to you as well, Miss Jigglin' Jill. My name is Zeus, and I'm a handsome ginger boy from Houston, Texas. I'm a Capricorn, and I enjoy brisk runs through the living room, sunbathing, and naps on the couch. When I grow up, I want to - "

"Well, that's all fine and dandy, sweet thang, but don't you wanna know what I'm wearin'?"

I thought perhaps I was doing something wrong as she didn't seem impressed with anything I had said. I went to Point #2 instantly.

Three minutes passed.

"Excuse me? Are you there? Look, buddy, if you're just gonna purr into the phone, that's fine, but time is money here. You got some dirty fantasy you wanna play out, or do you want me to just keep on talkin' nasty to you?"

I followed up with what I took to be a rather intriguing riff off of her comments:

"My dirtiest fantasy actually isn't so dirty but involves something which is dirty. Perhaps you could come and clean my litter box sometime, Miss Jigglin' Jill."

"What a freak! You better understand me when I say that this conversation is over. I don't do that, let alone talk about it!"

Click!

I don't know that I can express my utter rejection in this regard. Apparently, the only thing I have going for me is my superb writing capability. Perhaps I should look into the intellectual strummings of Wordsworth, Keats, and Frost and learn a thing or two about romancing females the old-fashioned way.

I apologize to you, dear reader. I only tried on behalf of my neglect of you. Forgive me, and please bear with me as I attempt to rectify this dire situation.

Thursday Thirteen Edition #12

Thirteen Animal Horror Flicks 1. Pet Semetary - You should have known that cemetery was no good when the cat came back. Stupid humans... 2. Pet Semetary 2 - Still scary, but this time, thanks to Edward Furlong being in it! 3. Cujo - Good doggie! 4. The Birds - Stop looking at me, Mr. Cardinal! I know what you're going to do! 5. Jaws - You hum the theme song just because you read the word. 6. Congo - Primates gone wild! 7. Man's Best Friend - Good doggie, part 2 8. Arachnophobia - Perhaps the most frightening film for my human pet as she is deathly afraid of bugs. 9. Cat's Eye - Sweet, innocent Drew Barrymore: I'll be your tabby in shining armor! 10. Day of the Animals - See Leslie Nielsen as you have never seen him before...as a serious actor! (That, in and of itself, should frighten you.) 11. Sleepwalkers - Not very frightening, but we felines play a huge role in fighting off the vicious neighborhood shapeshifters! 12. Orca - The worst motion picture of all time. Period. 13. Snakes on a Plane - It's got action, terror, and Samuel L. Jackson. Do we need to say more? Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

My human pet is a freak

I'm just putting this out there for anyone who can offer me their opinions:

Is there something wrong with your human pet if she is able to fall asleep at night, watching Children of the Corn?

I'm a little worried to be honest. It kept me up all night!

Thank goodness The Amazing Zeus didn't take me into Nebraska. Who knows what would have happened to me?

And does this mean more scary movies will be coming out of the woodwork as the days approach Halloween?

Oh brother...

Pepnote

Human Pet,

You had literally little to no sleep this weekend. You have read, reread, and re-reread every single paper, page, and publication you could. Please, for the love of all that is holy, r-e-l-a-x and do well on your midterm. I think you are more than prepared.











P.S. Blackie and I will have the carbonated kitty water waiting for you when you come home.

Kitty Litter Cake

With Halloween approaching, why not think of this delightfully horrific cake? It's sure to make quite the impression on your guests!

Cake Ingredients:
1 box of Spice or German Chocolate cake mix
1 box of white cake mix
1 package white sandwich cookies
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix
12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent
A few drops green food coloring

Serving "Dishes and Utensils"
1 NEW cat-litter box
1 NEW cat-litter box liner
1 NEW pooper scooper

Directions:
1. Prepare and bake cake mixes according to directions in any size pan. Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in blender on food processor. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside.

2. When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy. Place the liner in the litter box and pour in the mixture.

3. Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable. Shape the blunt ends into slightly curved points. Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter the green crumbls lightly over top.

4. Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box. Heat the remaining Tootsie Rolls until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with the scooper. Enjoy!

Thursday Thirteen Edition #11

Thirteen Theories About Lost 1. Everyone is an animal - I saw nothing wrong with this one! 2. We can all live forever on the island! - Interesting, but has some flaws I'd like to see worked out. 3. Kate's choice - Will it be Jack? Will it be Sawyer? 4. Is Jack's Dad running around the island with nano-sized micro robots? 5. Did Locke's father con Sawyer's father? - Is this why Sawyer became the man he is today? 6. Are The Others sterile? 7. Just how long has Penny been searching for Desmond? 8. Better check the label - Hidden Easter egg on Sun's pregnancy test package! Time to break out Season 2 all over again! 9. Are Claire and Jack related? 10. Coincedence or serious clue - The name of The Others' dock will explain everything...or will it? 11. Did you see a UPS plane go by? - Just how is all of that fresh food getting to the island? 12. Horses, Sharks, and Polar Bears, oh my! - What is the deal with all of these animals? 13. Was Henry a part of the original Dharma Initiative? - It would explain just how stir-crazy he is! Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Scoop the Tabloids Contest

Are you the alien love-child of the Empress Kukka-Maria? Are you perhaps the Empress' biological father and are willing to take a DNA test to prove it? Maybe you want to let the whole world know about that one horrific night along the Las Vegas Strip, revealing all of the hot details concerning the Empress, the monkey, the bottle of cheap tequilla, and the mittens?

Or perhaps that's just my hot story...blush!

Nonetheless, The Empress Kukka-Maria is having a roaring fun contest all this next week. All you have to do is craft a story concerning she and you before the tabloids do. This is a fantastic way to get more visits to your blog, and best of all: The winner receives his/her choice of any Kukka designer tee from Kukka Couture!

So head on over there now to the Empress' Scoop the Tabloids Contest and may the biggest pile of bull-kukkah (pun intended) win!

Forgive and forget

Dear Blogger,

Sigh...

I had a Thursday Thirteen ready to go, but then you decided that even you would turn your back on me. I had all of fifteen minutes allowed to me by the human pet to post my beautiful creation, but no, it was not meant to be.

Blogger, why would you do this to me? I have been so faithful to you. I have been so loyal. Can you not see how my heart bleeds shades of tan and blue and occasionally white for you? What more can I do to appease you? What does it take to win your heart?

You hurt me, Blogger. You really hurt me. I expect this neglect from my human pet as of late, but not you. Not ever you. Don't you remember all of those nights when we snuggled together as the moonlight peeked through the blinds and highlighted my whiskers while I typed away along the keys? Precious memories like those don't come along very often.

Blogger, if we need to hug this out, I'm male enough to let that happen. Let's hug this out, Blogger, so that we both can move forward. I want to stop hurting inside, and I want to forgive you.

Come on now: hug it out.

The smallest of smallest luxuries

Yesterday, my friend, Colleen, informed the world that she found good, high-quality socks to be the smallest luxury. This got me thinking as to what my smallest luxury was, and I have decided that it is:

Ice!

When the human pet is careless enough to drop an ice cube onto the kitchen floor, I come running from the back of the house just to take a swat at it! There's nothing more pleasurable than the feel of slick, cool ice underneath your paw-pad. The only downside is that as I play with the ice, it melts between my paws. Occasionally, glistening puddles have been known to appear on the floor, and once or twice, the human pet has slipped on them. (Personally, watching her skate on liquid remnants of ice cubes is just a priceless bonus for having played with the ice.)

Pimp Names

I just received a phone call from my friend, Mr. Xzibit. He's too funny! He said to me, "Zeus, now that you got your pimped out litterbox, you need a new pimped out name." I told him I didn't think that was necessary, but he insisted.

"I don't even know what a pimp name is, Mr. Xzibit. Wherever will I find one? How will I know it is right for me? Isn't it against the moral code of humanity (and felinity) to name one's self?"

"Zeus-dawg, puhleese. All you's got to do is check out Playerappreciate.com. Those peeps will hook you up fo'real," explained Mr. Xzibit. "Once you gots the name, then you can accessorize with shades, hats, feathers, and cups!"

After much toiling, I have narrowed down my pimp name to three choices. However, as my loyal readers know, I enjoy your input immensely! Please vote for which name you prefer and tell me why if you could.

Your three choices:

A) Sugartastic Zeus Glide

B) Macktastic Zeus Flava

C) Funk Master Zeus Slick

Riddle me this

My human pet has been trying something...shall we say...interesting? I actually think it is more of an oxymoron myself, but she feels otherwise. I decided in an effort of fairness I would open it up to all of you so we can settle this once and for all.

The riddle is this:

If you decide to wake up every morning and follow Leslie Sansone and her Walking Off The Pounds regime, but you never move from your starting spot, is this really walking two miles?

The human pet says yes. I say no.

What do you think?

Pimp My Litterbox

"Yo, yo, yo G! Check it out! Today, we's comin' from H-town, U to the S to the A. We's about to go up an' surprise my boy, Zeus. He don't know it yet, but we's here to take care of a very special problem he be havin'. We's about to -"

[Cast and crew along with Xzibit thrust their fists at the camera in unison to each word as they shout:]

"PIMP - HIS - LITTERBOX!"

"That's right, holmes. C'mon and follow me whiles I creep on up to this here house."

[Xzibit knocks on the front door. He turns around to flash a big grin at the camera. After a few seconds, though, no one answers. A brief look of puzzlement flashes across his face, but he retains the smile as he wraps at the door harder. This time, a girl in her late-twenties opens it and peers out, confused and near speechless.]

"Um, yes?" she says, almost hesitantly.

"H to the u to the man pet?"

"Oh. my. god." [She gazes at all of the camera and sound crew with a wide-eyed expression.]

"We's here for the Z-man. Is he in da house?"

"Um...yeah..."

"You gonna let us in, mama, or just stand there?"

[The girl steps aside, and now, the camera displays the living room with its green slipcovered couch and loveseat. Residing on the back of the couch, sprawled out to his full length, is the man of the hour: Zeus]

"Zeus! My man! You wrote in, and we're here to answer the call. We's gonna make yo' litterbox superfly, dog! We's about to get crunk up in here!"

[The five year old litterbox is seen as it is brought from the garage out to the front lawn. Its dilapidated gray color has spots in some areas, and it is covered with scratch marks along the rim. Xzibit leans in and takes a deep whiff. He backs up, almost immediately, waving his hands in front of his face.] "Dayum! That there is one stank ass litterbox! We needs to pimp - this - out NOW!"

[In the driveway, the crew starts making upgrades to Zeus' litterbox while Xzibit shares his observations with the camera.]

"Times are tough for Zeus. How you get a litterbox like this for five years and not even try to upgrade? There's a lot of dirt on this here box, and my dude, Zeus, couldn't even spring fifteen bucks for a boxwash. It's like he got somethin' to hide. That's alright, though: We here to do it properly."

[Xzibit turns to Zeus who is laying sprawled out on the grass of the front yard.]

"So this baby got a name?"

[Zeus gives Xzibit an inquisitive look:] "I beg your pardon?"

[Xzibit chuckles and continues:] "I take it that it don't. What's up with all this dirt?"

[Zeus attempts to explain:] "Ah, well, it hides the scratches, dents, and my personal waste quite well."

[Xzibit lets out a good-sized laugh as he points at the camera repeatedly:] "See? I told you! I told you it was to cover somethin' up!"

[Xzibit leans over and pulls out some toilet paper from the dirt and holds it up to the camera. The paper seems to go on and on until a roll can clearly be seen.] "You changin' species on me, brother? What's up with this?"

"I accidentally knocked it into my box the other day while I was doing my thing, Mr. Xzibit. I just left it there for my human pet to use."

[Xzibit starts laughing as he turns the roll on its side to show the camera.] "Well, you sure know how to treat a lady right. [He points along the filthy edge.] "Look at all that dirt and stuff on the outside. He knows how to treat `em. Treat `em how they want to be treated. Treat `em right." [Xzibit laughs at his own humor.] "Alright Zeus. It's time for you to wait in the house, dog, while we's get this job done. We get you when we done."

[Thirty minutes later, the litterbox has been covered with a dark, black sheet. Xzibit brings Zeus out of the house for the unveiling.]

"Alright, Zeus. You ready, dog?"

"Yes, Mr. Xzibit, I'm ready."

[The curtain is unveiled, and Zeus' jaw nearly hits the pavement.] "I...I can't believe...how did you...?"

"Don't get all speechless on me, brother! Lemme show you whatcha got goin' on up in here now."

[Flashes of equipment are shown while Xzibit runs through the detailed list:]

"You got surround sound speakers around the interior of your box with amplifiers and three fifteen-inch Kicker subwoofers in the back for the ultimate bass experience!"

"You got superior air suspension underneath your box now. Just watch what this puppy can do!" [Xzibit flips a switch inside the litterbox, and the rear-end begins to bounce up and down.] "Oh snap! That is too damn sweet!"

"Let's not forget that fine lookin' paint job done by my boys at West Coast Customs. You'll be on fire while you sift the litter with those flames surrounding you!"

[Zeus can be seen tugging on Xzibit's pant leg.] "Excuse me, Mr. Xzibit?"

"Yeah, dog?"

"Did you include anything special for scooping my litter?"

"Did we ever, holmes! You got the deluxe, nitrous-powered, automatic, hydromatic, pneumatic, f to the a to the n to the tastic Super Pooper Scooper! You just press this button [Xzibit points it out to Zeus along the inside of the litterbox.], and you never need your human pet again!" [Xzibit leans over and whispers, "But don't be in the litterbox when you press it, dude, or else, you get scooped up the butt, and let me tell you: That shit is downright painful."]

[Xzibit turns to face the camera.] "Well, there you have it! Another satisfied customer! You got a litterbox holdin' you down? Then write to us here at Pimp My Litterbox, and perhaps I'll show up on your doorstep. Oh and Zeus?"

"Yes, Mr. Xzibit?"

[Xzibit hands him a set of keys (to God knows what) and leans over and pinches Zeus' shoulder and draws it back with smooth style.] "You just been pimped, dog!"

Housekeeping issues

While I wait for Ms. Winfrey to return my letter, I thought I would take a moment to address a few housekeeping issues:

1. You may have noticed that I have not been a good commentator as of late. I offer my sincerest apologies, but you must understand that it is not my fault. The human pet has been doing research on the computer nearly every night as she is preparing her proposal for her thesis. I really need to buckle down more on her selfish, it's-all-me attitude.

1a. However, Kukka-Maria demands that if I comment on no other blog for the day, I must comment on her's. Her rationale for such a request: "Enough about me. What do you think about me?"

2. There's no access pass needed to access the accessibility of this highly accessible blog. It's still all good.

3. Unfortunately, there won't be any cute, adorable, and precious babies on the site. Because she's too busy working on educational research, the human pet has no baby-making time.

3a. This just in: I have just been informed that it's because the human pet is not married that there is no baby-making happening.

4. There are still no teeny-tiny castles in The House. Though I try to discover new, exotic lands within my territory, I have found nothing.

If there are any other issues we need to discuss, feel free to e-mail me so I can hash those out as well. I am always open to your feedback and constructive criticism.

Zeus finds his spirit

Dear Ms. Winfrey,

My name is Zeus, and I currently live in Houston, Texas. I am quite familiar with your show, and I know that one of your mantras is to find your spirit. As I find your show very inspiring and heartwarming, I desired to do just that. I wanted to share my extraordinary journey of self-discovery with you, and hence, I write you this tale.

You have mentioned how to get rid of the "monkey mind", to stop being obsessed with rank and priviledge. This one was hard for me as I try very hard not to compare myself to other feline bloggers in the blogosphere, but I often find myself not measuring up. It was difficult to shed my obsession for Kukka-Maria, The Crew, The Meezers, and so many others. However, the comparing and contrasting needed to stop somehow as I was only hurting myself, and so I pushed forward.

I took your informative What Are You Hiding From Quiz to establish what was holding me back. Your advice was unbelievably spot on:

You deliberately "go blind" to significant aspects of your experience: maybe your own behavior, maybe someone else's, maybe both. Create a space and time for looking squarely at the truths you may be hiding from yourself. Group therapy or one-on-one counseling could make this easier and more effective.

So I decided to give myself the best therapy I knew how: a nap. It's amazing how much better everything is after you allow yourself a nap. I believe my human pet's mother may be onto something when she says, "Eat. Sleep. It will be better in the morning."

When I woke up, I knew the final thing I needed to accomplish was to discover what truths I had within myself. I was tired of listening to a barrage of stereotypes and innuendoes thrown on me by homo sapiens everywhere. I realized I had to take Life Coach Dr. Martha Beck's advice, and I had to come up with at least two to three little things I could say to myself every morning so I could remain true to myself. After some serious contemplation, I came up with the following:

1. I am infinitely precious.

2. I am worthy of being stroked and rubbed.

3. I am validated when I validate others.

What do you think, Ms. Winfrey? I have to say that after saying those repeatedly into the bathroom mirror, I only end up giggling. Is that not one positive aspect to all of this self-discovery: a renewed sense of humor?

I know that, thanks to you, my life has changed forever. I don't know what I would have done without you and your terrific show. I look forward to learning more about this intriguing process, and I hope to hear from you soon.