Thursday, October 26, 2006

My committment to my readers

It's no secret that I have not had much to offer the blogosphere as of late. I'm not surprised if you, the reader, have moved on to bigger and better blogs. I admit that it hurts, but if I were in your paws, I'd probably have said my good-byes long ago as well.

However, as a firm believer in the power of self-reflection and examination, I sat down with myself and had a long, thought-provoking plunge into my psyche:

Self, why can I not become inspired to write the beautiful, intriguing pieces of witty banter as I did three months ago?

Well, Zeus, it's because your human pet has been on the computer for what seems like forever.

True, Self, but I think that excuse only carries one so far.

Perhaps it's because you're horny? You know...being a male cat, you have needs.

Really, Self? Even if I have had the hoohah-ectomy? You think that's it?

Abso-freakin'-lutely.

For the sake of my blog and its readers, I decided I needed to find a femme feline, and I needed to find her now. If I didn't do something about this growing problem, I could possibly be looking at falling to the bottom of every blog list imaginable. I couldn't waste anymore time!

I decided to do my research by visiting Become A Player's website. They have a fabulous listing of online articles that cover a wide variety of subjects such as how to cure your fear of women, how to let women know you're available, and conversational strategies. I was very intrigued by the last article's title so I decided to read this one in-depth.

I noted all of the major points:

1. It REALLY doesn’t matter WHAT you talk about, so long as you make it interesting. I've said this again and again, but let me stress it now: you can talk about ANYTHING, and it will be okay.

2. The Golden Silence is as good as The Golden Tongue.

3. Pick a key word from her conversation and riff off of it.

It was then that my Self spoke up:

You know what would be a good idea? You should call someone for practice! You definitely shouldn't attempt this without practicing. Why not call one of those phone numbers you see on the television all the time?

I don't know, Self. Don't those cost money?

Sure, they do, but the human pet won't find out about it for at least a month. Whatever happened to taking care of Number One?

Self, you're right. Sometimes, it has to be about me.

I went to the phone and pawed in the digits for one of the more popular numbers: 1-900-HOT-BABE. I was met by a recorded message telling me about all of the wonderful and helpful ladies I would be interacting with, and it was followed by a prompt that asked me if I was over 18. I hit the pound key to confirm, and I was immediately connected to a very nice and friendly lady named Jigglin' Jill.

"Hey there, sexy. Wanna know what I'm wearin'?"

I decided to try Point #1 first: "Hello to you as well, Miss Jigglin' Jill. My name is Zeus, and I'm a handsome ginger boy from Houston, Texas. I'm a Capricorn, and I enjoy brisk runs through the living room, sunbathing, and naps on the couch. When I grow up, I want to - "

"Well, that's all fine and dandy, sweet thang, but don't you wanna know what I'm wearin'?"

I thought perhaps I was doing something wrong as she didn't seem impressed with anything I had said. I went to Point #2 instantly.

Three minutes passed.

"Excuse me? Are you there? Look, buddy, if you're just gonna purr into the phone, that's fine, but time is money here. You got some dirty fantasy you wanna play out, or do you want me to just keep on talkin' nasty to you?"

I followed up with what I took to be a rather intriguing riff off of her comments:

"My dirtiest fantasy actually isn't so dirty but involves something which is dirty. Perhaps you could come and clean my litter box sometime, Miss Jigglin' Jill."

"What a freak! You better understand me when I say that this conversation is over. I don't do that, let alone talk about it!"

Click!

I don't know that I can express my utter rejection in this regard. Apparently, the only thing I have going for me is my superb writing capability. Perhaps I should look into the intellectual strummings of Wordsworth, Keats, and Frost and learn a thing or two about romancing females the old-fashioned way.

I apologize to you, dear reader. I only tried on behalf of my neglect of you. Forgive me, and please bear with me as I attempt to rectify this dire situation.

28 comments:

Les Trois Chats said...

Oh, Zeus. I fear that 1-800-hot-babes is not the number for, er, your level of conversation. Nala and I, on the other hand, would be happy to help you practice your conversation skills with the ladies.

Sparky Duck said...

LMAO

As long as you dont go to Frost, you will get your groove back.

kailani said...

I don't think you've lost your groove. You can't get rid of me that easily!

Anonymous said...

Hi Zeus

Don't worry, your true friends will never stop reading you! And if it's female companionship you need, I can send Tipper & Misty over to visit. You don't need to resort to those Jigglin Jill types!

George
(whose Mom is so addicted to this, she's at a Holiday Inn in Findlay, OH reading cat blogs!!!)

Mama Duck said...

Zeus, I think you need to find another 900-hot-kitty line ;).

Kukka-Maria said...

Gee, Zeus. If you want dirty talk, you can call me and I won't even charge you for it.

Plus, you'll already know what I'm wearing.

Nothing!

Gemini said...

Oh Zeus, you are far too good for the phone number.

The Meezers said...

Oh Zeusie, don't let that jigglin jill woman get you down. If you had called me, I would have purred back at you on the phone. I love a kitty who knows how to use the phone. I think you're just wonderful as you are! - Meezer Mom

Carmen said...

Zeus, you're one hot cat, and i think that our TRUE blog readers will stick with ya. :)

CatDonna & Cats said...

Blog readers come and go. You shouldn't let it put the pressure on you to come up with funny and interesting posts.

I think blogging should be enjoyable first and foremost for the blogger; when you're having fun, we the readers inevitably reap the benefits.

That aside, this was pretty hilarious. Heehee. :D

Fat Eric said...

Don't worry Zeus, we won't be deserting your blog any time soon.

But we would LOVE to be around when your human pet opens her next phone bill...

Colleen Gleason said...

ROTFLMAO.

Zeus! We haven't forsaken you! We're still here.

Hooha-ectomy. Bwaaahaaaaha.

(And I just added you to my blog roll, so there.)

Junior said...

Oh my Zeus! What a conversation that was!

Derby said...

Blog when you can Zeus. We all get busy some days, and no time to blog. Just save up the stories for another day.

Princess Ziporah said...

Zeus, you should call me. I like a cat who has conversations with himself. I do that all the time (it kinda freaks out the mom). And I like man cats who've had the ole hoohaectomy.

Renee said...

You're in my blogroll Zeus to stay. I totally get the whole hogging the computer time thing...I've been known to do that myself sometimes.

And I think the other kitties were right when you dialed the wrong phone number. JJ just wasn't the kind of gal you were looking for.

Kukka seems to scare you, but she seems like a sure thing. Perhaps you should practice on the other kitties first.

Samantha said...

I come by here every chance I get :O) This is one of my favorite blogs! I dont plan on neglecting you anytime soon!

Dachsies Rule said...

Zues, you are the king of cats. Who would forsake you? We only visit two cat blogs and yours was the first. As long as you blog, we will read.

If you write it, they will come.

Roxie, Sammy & Andy

Grr, Midnight & Cocoa said...

we're sorry ya felt ya had ta turn ta that jiggly jill persun fur conversayshun. we wuzzn't avoidin' ya on purrpose - we wuz bizzy layin' on our Lady in between dashes ta the human littler box room where she hadta hyack up hairballs she called "the flew".

ya did just give us an idea fur a hotline # though. we're thinkin' 1-800-CALL-GRR

nels, ed, nitro, and/or xing said...

well, fret not, zeus--we has read ya for a while but our secretary (whom we keep firin' for screwin' up but then hafta rehire when it comes chow time) has been remiss in not blogrollin' ya. you're there now, buddy, to stay!!!

and WE're prolly gonna call 1-800-CALL-GRR! should be quite some conversation THERE!

Jake and Bathsheba said...

Hi Zeus, you can call me and I'll tell you that I'm wearing only my beautiful fur coat. We enjoy your blog, but we know how timeconsuming blogging can be. We're cats; we don't put pressure on ourselves.

~Bathsheba

Ariel said...

Zeus as cute as you are you should'nt have any problem talking to the girls.

Rose said...

DUDE! call or e-mail ME if'n ya feel like cruisin' for some Ladies-in-Waiting (for us, that is!::heh-heh::)...HM The Queen Mum's been a bit lax in posting for us Royals lately. I hear her mutterin' about not having enoulgh gray matter left for school...I dunno why she doesn't go on eBay an' get some more...Anyway, Zeus, yeah, we of the post-hoo-ha-ectomy experience gotta stick together! Yeah, so, whatever, Dude, when ya's up to it, let me know, we'll hang t'gether!
Cheers!
HRH Prince Brutus

Anonymous said...

Zeus ... You are welcome to teleport your groove-thang down to San Diego. I'm not as super-sexy as Kukka-Maria, but I can hold my own ... Meow!!
DaisyMae Maus

PS ... Jiggin' Jill looks like a man. I'm sure that you don't swing that way, right?

katnippia said...

Zeus, we have not left youz either. There is two of single girls here aat the Katnippia crew. So if's you wants to talk to us you canz. - Sia

Hot(M)BC said...

Gee Zeus, ya coulda called me. I'da been nicer than that jiggly purrson. And I already finks your handsum.
Purrrrrrrs,
Mini

Kelly Cat said...

What are you doing reading Become A Player.com. I thought you knew how to play already! I mean, what's the Emerson quote say at the top of your page?

DivaP said...

Zeus don't stress ... you're still very groovy baby! Your friends all know you're the coolest cat around.