Ch-ch-ch-ch-chANGES!

So Bob didn't end up being a demonic killer. In fact, he was an older gentleman with southern manners. However, it seemed that the third plumbing contractors the pet had contacted decided to stand her up. Now, a plumbing leak detection firm and Bob will be coming back on Friday afternoon to have a look-see into the problem.

Have I mentioned the pet's nervousness in regards to watching her rooms be ripped apart? If not, it's quite entertaining to observe, and I highly suggest it sometime.

As if that didn't stress her out enough, one of her brothers is moving in with her as well. He flies in tonight. He will only be staying the summer, and did we mention that he hates animals? He has ailurophobia and cynophobia. In other words, he's scared of cats and dogs. He's already threatened to "accidentally" throw open the front door to free us.

I like this guy already. I see many fun times in my future.

Oh well, Ares. It was nice knowin' you.

ZEUS

The meaning of "free" is _________.

Things have been quiet on this homefront. The weekend was uneventful, and for that, we were all glad. The guest bedroom wall has dried (finally), and the carpet doesn't seem so mushy. As for the guest bathroom, well, that's another story.

The pet had Roto-Rooter come out to provide a free estimate, wanting a second opinion on the matter at paw. Apparently, the word 'free' in some circles means "ten minutes of doing everything your pet already tried". The pet was not too happy so she ended up calling a third plumber.

They never got back with her to schedule an appointment.

We've just finished rewatching Twin Peaks so we were more than a bit concerned when the insurance adjuster called us yesterday afternoon and introduced himself as Bob. If Bob the adjuster ends up being anything like Bob the demonic killer, I think things will take a turn for the highly interesting. One can only hope.

Looking forward to meeting Bob,

ZEUS

I hate that dog!

So even with everything going wacky around the house, Ares managed to pay a visit to Dr. Rodriguez for his annual exam. I'm beyond pissed to report that she proclaimed him...

PERFECT!!!

What the hell?! All he does is make his token 'Black Lip the Pirate' face, and she's all over him like mud on a pig. I do investigative reporting. I've traveled the world. I've even corrupted minors. What does it take to impress this woman?!

You know what? I don't even care anymore. If she can't accept me as I am - swaying Buddha belly in between my legs and all - then I don't give a flying flick of my tail what she thinks.

Well, until I see her in two weeks for my exam. Ooo, that bitch!

ZEUS

Suggestions anyone?

In light of our new predicament with the Backyard Tree, I'm accepting suggestions on how to raise money. Feel free to be as creative as possible. I will not tolerate this foliage freeloader frisking from furrowed pipes.

I'd offer a prize for the most creative suggestion, but you'll only end up with my undying gratitude. Hopefully, that counts for something.

Hoping not to be entangled by roots in my sleep,

ZEUS

A new enemy, closer to home

On Wednesday, the human pet learned some very bad news. She had plumbers come over to take care of both bathrooms, and in the process, they discovered that the beautiful tree in the backyard has been thieving water out of tiny holes in our main pipe. The tree has been so thirsty that it has created an air pocket which is stopping the hallway toilet from flushing.

Should we be so daring as to flush it now, it might erupt like Mount Vesuvius. Unfortunately, in this analogy, we would be Pompeii.

The cost to fix the toilet and the pipe is tremendous. For this reason alone, I have decided to add the Backyard Tree to the very tippy-top of my Litter List. It's not like the human pet doesn't have enough going on in her life! All she does is work, work, work, but did the Backyard Tree ever think about that before it went stuffing its greedy little roots into our main pipe? Clearly, the Backyard Tree didn't care about the pet's feelings. All it cared about was itself!

Selfish, thieving, overgrown sapling!!!

ZEUS

What's a little pee between friends?

I don't know what the pet's problem is.

Honestly.

She should understand that I have standards.

The pet decided it would be a FANTASTIC idea to try the new World's Best Cat Litter. You know, the one made from corn? She thought it would help us become more 'green', but all it did was make me more constipated.

It beeping sucks!

I wasn't about to walk on shredded corn husks and have kernels of recycled golden nuggets in between my toes. I'm sorry, but I didn't sign up to poo in a compost heap! And this whole idea of it being safe for me to clean my paws after I do my business is pure bullshit - though, to be fair, bulls probably have higher standards than pooing in used cornbits.

So what did I do?

I peed all over the dining room, the living room, and for shiggles, I went for the hallway too.

The human pet then had to clean everything when she came home.

Let that be a lesson to her for even thinking of being environmentally conscious!

Give me my sand, baking soda, and odor crystals! Give them to me NOW!

ZEUS

Results for WOW! Winter 2010 Contest

The results are in! The human pet did not place in WOW! Women on Writing's Winter 2010 Flash Fiction Contest, but she did finish as a runner-up. (And since the runner-ups are listed in no particular order, we'll prefer to tell you she finished fourth!) Three hundred entries were submitted so we're very proud of her top ten accomplishment. Not too shabby for her first attempt at putting her writing out there!

Visit WOW! Women on Writing Winter 2010 Flash Fiction Winners to read the top three entries, or you can click here to read the human pet's entry. Leave your feedback below, and I'll be sure to tell her what you think!

ZEUS

Look into my eyes...

Umm, happy birthday, Isis?

All I wanted for my birthday was to be left alone, but instead, shining bright lights were thrown in my face as the Catstapo were coming to seize me.

I tried to run away, but everywhere I went, the lights followed. I then suspected it was Xenu, coming to take me away to another planet of inhospitable nature.

Then I heard my Momma's voice saying, "Pose for the camera! It's your birthday!" At that point, I almost wished it had been Xenu.

Sigh... Another year, and still, no one learns. Just leave me alone!

Opportunities to Volunteer for Gulf Coast Wildlife Rescue Efforts

There are many organizations seeking volunteers to help with wildlife rescue efforts in Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida. To find out if there are organizations in your area that you could assist, please read this article at CNN.com. For those living anywhere along the Gulf Coast, check out Mobile Baykeeper, an environmental organization accepting volunteers all along the coast.

ZEUS