Seven interesting fact-ual stories about my pet

I had been tagged by The Crew to disclose intimate details concerning my human pet. The rules were as follows:

Either (1) post 7 facts about yourself AND photos OR (2) post 10 facts about yourself with no photos, OR (3) post a childhood picture of yourself.

I had never been so pleased to be tagged. I live for embarassing my human pet. It's what I'm good for, and I aim for perfection.

1. On the third day of first grade, a girl named Michelle had been absent. While students shouted out to the teacher, Mrs. Force, that Michelle was sick, the human pet piped up with, "Maybe she's dead." A hush quickly overtook the students, but Mrs. Force kindly pointed out that that was highly unlikely. The human pet replied, "But it is still possible." Needless to say, her peers knew she was strange from that moment forward.

2. Later on during first grade, the human pet had been approached by the elementary school bully: A second grader named A.J. who had an affinity for making girls kiss him. He cornered the human pet on the playground, waving his finger, saying, "Kiss me! Kiss me!" The human pet punched him so hard in the nose that the young boy was sent to the hospital. The pet's parents didn't find out anything had happened until a parent-teacher conference several weeks later. Apparently, the teachers were overjoyed with the pet's actions.

3. The pet had been seven or eight years old when her parents went to Disney World in Orlando, Florida. The pet's father had rented a really nice burgundy Cadillac for the growing family. As it just so happened, one morning during the vacation, the pet stuffed herself on three bowls of Lucky Charms for breakfast. After riding for an entire day, the family got into the rental car, only to listen to the pet complain about how she was going to throw up. The pet's father said, "You will not throw up in this car! Don't you dare do it!" The pet, left with no other option, pulled the flap on the back of the driver's seat, leaned over, and puked into the magazine pocket. You can imagine how much fun that was to clean up.

4. When my human pet was eleven years old, she went to a week-long camp for the summer with the Girl Scouts. While there, she had been rolling on top of an Earth Ball and fell head-first into the ground. She had been sent to the emergency room where it was discovered she had a sprained neck. One of the younger girls who had witnessed the event went home, ran for the community pool where the human pet's siblings were swimming, and announced, "Your sister is dead." The human pet's siblings continued playing in the pool until adult swim and then proceeded home to see if there was any truth to the matter.

5. At twelve, the human pet was encouraged to enter into the Western Pennsylvania Spelling Bee held at The Carnegie Science Center. The pet must have studied endlessly, being quizzed by her father night after night. She could spell everything - everything, that is, except for the word h-a-n-d-k-e-r-c-h-i-e-f, the word she misspelled her third time up to the microphone. When asked why she missed it, she said, "The 'd' is silent. I didn't know." Ah, the curse of the Western Pennsylvanian accent...

6. In eighth grade, the human pet, now thirteen, had three very special friends. They thought it would be cool to form their own clandestine girls' club. They gave themselves secret names based on, of all things, spices. The human pet's codename was Cinnamon. (You would be correct if you deduced that she gets teased with this name at holidays.)

7. Also during eighth grade, the human pet became overwhelmed by the rush of pure estrogen humming through her changing body. There was a boy (whose name she still remembers) who became the center of her world. When he declared his 'love' for another, the human pet took it upon herself to write one of the most vulgar, obscene, and downright lascivious letters ever known to man. The pet was caught for passing the note, the teacher read the infamous note (and almost fainted), and the pet was sent to the office where her mother then read the vile letter out loud for both the pet and the principal. The pet's punishment consisted of one week of both recess detention and after-school detention as well as being grounded for one week at home. What did she do during that time? Her parents asked her to write one 1000-word essay per night (seven essays total) related to the linguistic history of each curse word in her letter.

That concludes my trip down the human pet's memory lane. As you can see, I have my paws full with her and her antics. Unfortunately, she hasn't changed much since childhood.

Scavenger Hunt #18-23

So in the past week, Ares and the human pet have done a tremendous job of hunting for items around the neighborhood. In one case, they even went outside of the neighborhood. Many of you asked where Ares was off to when you saw he was traveling in the car yesterday. Today, the mystery will be solved.

Before I get to that, The Creek Cats had requested something pink. Since pink garage doors do not show up often, the human pet thought that was novel enough to warrant a picture:


The Monkeys had asked for a Ford Mustang. Since they didn't specify a year, the human pet didn't feel bad about shooting a quick photo of this one:


The Cats of Wildcat Woods suggested the human pet find an unusual mailbox. If this one doesn't scream of Texas, I don't know what does:


Now as for where Ares was off to yesterday, the human pet knew that a drive-thru was not exactly within walking distance of the house. She and Ares got into the car and just for Katz, they went to Sonic, a popular drive-in fast food joint. This is how it looks when you drive into Sonic:


And this is the menu that you order from when you pull up into the stall. You press the red button and relay your message. You also pay from your car with the magical check card. It's uber convenient and uber greasy.


I reminded the pet that she had not walked to Sonic so it could not be counted. She agreed so one dollar will be donated on Katz's behalf.

Unfortunately, the human pet did not find either Lola Lynn's mail truck or TC's child's bicycle. Apparently when the human pet comes out for her walks with Ares, little children and postal workers run and hide. (And really - who would blame them?)

Three dollars will be donated to Laney in her pursuit of Mutt Strut Poster Pooch 2010. This brings our grand total to $14.00. There's still 12 days left until August 10 so keep the suggestions rolling in!

Buckle up

Suck it up, pet

Dear human pet,

Please do not let out one more pitiful sigh as you lay on the couch, staring with as much zest as a rotten lemon at Susan Boyle's interview with Meredith Viera . It is not your fault that you did not get accepted into the Ed.D. program. It is their fault for not having told you how they had...

A) Dissolved the program you had originally applied for or -

B) Forwarded your original application to a different program that -

C) Had different requirements than the one you had originally applied for.

Consider the fact that they were willing to let you earn the credits you needed and work on your doctorate at the same time as a gift of sorts. Think of how they have already approved your application for an entire year should you choose to pursue this path. Remember how they said they really did want you for their school.

If this doesn't make you happy, then look fondly at your application to Texas A&M, and execute it with vigor!

After all - there's only room in this house for one creature to be this self-pitying, and that's me.

Sorry, babe, but you lose.

Will the pet be a cougar? Umm, wait...I mean...

Dear human pet,

I would like to take this opportunity to wish you good luck on your interview at The University of Houston this afternoon. It's not every day that someone is invited to join an Ed.D. program. I'd say do well, but I can't help but be reminded of the day you went to interview for The University of St. Thomas. Remember how you were terribly sick that day, complete with the shakes, sweats, and pukies? That was...interesting.

You aren't sick now, are you?

Scavenger Hunt #15-17

After the last few hunts, I didn't think the human pet had it in her to find anything. Her hunting skills could have best been described as obsolete as far as I was concerned. Ares didn't seem to be much better, though to be fair, he could blame youth as his excuse for coming home empty-pawed.

Imagine my surprise then when the human pet and Ares returned, having found a pink flamingo as requested by Cory:


Further imagine my surprise when they found a red wagon suggested by Tuck:


As for Roxie, Sammy, and Andy's sunrise, the human pet and Ares have been walking in the late afternoon so there was no chance of that happening. One dollar will be donated to Laney in her pursuit of Mutt Strut Poster Pooch 2010 on their behalf.

Scavenger Hunt #11-14

My human pet is a great, big disappointment. I cannot believe that she is unable to locate such simple things as a rabbit in a garden, a big, scary bug, or a garden gnome. Maybe she's not really taking Ares for a walk; perhaps, she is merely visiting the neighbors and then coming home claiming to have walked him.

Irregardless, it's money out of her pocket.

Congratulations to Eric and Flynn, The Meezers, and Shaggy, Scooby, and Scout. One dollar will be donated on each of your behalves to Laney's quest for Mutt Strut Poster Pooch 2010.

Fin, you will be happy to know the human pet did manage to find a cat in "the wild". I put wild in quotes since I think she stretched the truth quite a bit. You can be the judge.

And now, a message from my pet...

Hello everyone,

Very rarely do I ever get to post my personal thoughts on the blog, but this time, Zeus thought you should all hear it from me rather than him. (He's not big on being the messenger.)

For the past few days, I have been extremely ill. Poor Ares didn't get to go on any walks. In fact, the only walking he did was on top of me as I laid on the couch or bed. Yesterday was the first day I had felt well, but I didn't want to push it so I decided to wait until today to continue the scavenger hunt.

To all those people who made suggestions, please know I appreciate it, and I haven't forgotten. I will play catch-up tonight, and hopefully, we can start moving in a positive direction. Thanks for your understanding!

Sincerely,

Marina, a.k.a "the human pet"

The Perfect Tweet

The National Canine Cancer Foundation is sponsoring a terrific little contest at the moment via Twitter. All you have to do is donate $5.00 which also counts as your entry fee. You then choose which subject you would like to tweet about and craft the most perfectly assembled 140 characters as possible to win. Should you be chosen as the top Twitter guru, you might just win a new MacBook Pro! For more information, check out the site here.

Scavenger Hunt #8, #9, and #10

Well, it just goes to show that when you go looking for something, you're often not going to find it. As was the case with the following three items suggested by The Kitty Krew, Angel and Kirby, and The Island Cats:

• A bird in a tree
• Any bug
• A bird feeder

This may come as a shock, but there were no birds seen along the walk. As for bugs, the human pet admittedly didn't look too hard as she has a small phobia towards them. Bird feeders were probably abundant but not in anyone's front yards, and since all the houses in our neighborhood have fenced yards, that proved to be impossible as well.

Henceforth, the total for donations for Laney in Mutt Strut Poster Pooch 2010 has now reached...

Thank you for participating you three!

Be kind to your behind. It knows all.

It's a science as an old as time itself. The evolution of its history can be traced back to our earliest ancestors. Across seven continents, nothing else can claim such universality. So what could it be? If you guessed food, shelter, or fire, you would be wrong.

No, good reader, it is rumpology - the study of rear ends.

Currently in the scientific community, there is debate concerning the origins of this discipline. Many homo sapiens would like for their species to take credit for the birth of this extraordinary field, but several felines and canines are beginning to band together to fight back, claiming this branch of knowledge is specifically their own.

I became interested in rumpology when I overheard it being discussed on the human pet's radio. The morning announcers were trying to decide if there were any truth to discerning someone's personality and character based on the nooks and crannies of the person's buttocks. The two announcers mentioned Jacqueline Stallone and her 'study' of the derriere.

Intrigued, I decided to write to Jacqueline Stallone, famous rumpologist. As suggested on her website, I sent in a close-up of my rear with my letter detailing my investigation. Here is but a snippet of her report:

"Your rounded bottom suggests to me that you are a well-rounded person with much flexibility towards others. The curvature of your crevice indicates that you tend to be very accepting and good-natured. People enjoy your presence."

Personally, at this point, I felt pretty good about my venture into assology. After all, when people weren't looking at my gorgeous face, they were realizing what they were missing out on when I walked away. It seemed like a win-win situation to me.

That is until I met with Profesora Cordova.

Profesora Selina Cordova, leading specialist in canine rumps, of La Universidad Nacional de Mexico Para El Adelantamiento De Perros recently was kind enough to sit down and speak with me concerning her thoughts on the controversy during her recent visit to Houston, Texas. Right at the start of our discussion, she said heatedly, "How could homo sapiens really believe they came up with the idea of looking at or sniffing someone's butt? Everyone knows they got it from watching us! The whole idea is ludicrous!"

Profesora Cordova went on to explain that felines and canines have been sniffing one another's rear ends for centuries: "The whole process of the initial meeting between canines, for example, is to gather information regarding one another. The best way to do this is to smell one another's glands and to find out important things such as where the other has been, what food has been ingested, and what age the canine is." She went on to add that humans do not possess the necessary olfactory nerve endings to make such valid conclusions about one another by examining rear ends.

I informed the professor that I did not even have Ms. Stallone smell my rear end. I told her of how I had sent a picture of my furry bottom to the kind lady and how she had written me a very nice letter. Without warning, Profesora Cordova bent me over, took a whiff of my butt, and said, "You're completely selfish, a glutton to the very end. You whine continuously when you do not get your way. You tend to overgroom yourself and," she took another whiff before continuing, "you no longer enjoy sleeping with your human pet on the bed."

I almost cried, but I held back by tears. Her words cut me to the core, but I thanked the professor for her time and quietly left. I had always thought my ass was the greatest, but thanks to that mean-spirited chihuahua, I knew differently. Perhaps I had been too wanting, too demanding. Perhaps I had overstepped my bounds at home. Perhaps I had never known how to love.

Or perhaps the whole thing was just bullshit.

It smelled like it at least.

We interrupt this scheduled scavenger hunt for the following...

So apparently I'm about to divulge what is known in some parts as "T.M.I.", but quite frankly, I don't care. It's my blog, and I tell it like it is. Why cut corners? I leave the nuances of navigating social norms to the homo sapiens.

The human pet ate a baby poo burrito and got violently ill this evening.

By "baby poo burrito", I mean a suspicious, liquefied brown blend of bean and cheese which resembled the mushed and mashed mixture mother birds surely concoct when they chew and process food only to regurgitate it back to their young.

And by "violently", I mean doubled-over, arms wrapped around midsection, solidly working on the gag reflex because, by all means, let's not get crazy and puke in the living room even though certain puppies who shall remain nameless still have accidents involving poop and pee in that very area, and we're so beyond that so instead, let's just run back and forth to the bathroom until we've completed the third installment of the Ironman Challenge.

I'm sure you get the picture.

If not, let me know, and I will have Ares draw you a rendition, dear reader.

The human pet will double up her search for tomorrow. With any luck, she will have regained her normal, neurotic self.

Scavenger Hunt #7

Cheysuli and Gemini asked for my human pet to find a red, two-door car on her walk. Well, that didn't seem to pose too much of a problem:


Thank you for participating in the scavenger hunt, Cheysuli and Gemini!

Have an item you would like to suggest my human pet search for on her walks? Just click on the picture in the sidebar!

It's raining!

Scavenger Hunt #6

Ruby Bleu asked for my human pet to find a playing card along her walk. To make sure they had a fighting chance, I let Ares get a good whiff of some cards:


Despite my help, though, neither the human pet nor Ares found any cards while on their walk.

One dollar will be donated to Laney in support of her goal to be Mutt Strut Poster Pooch 2010 on your behalf, Ruby!

Have a suggestion for what my pet should be looking for? You can leave it here.

Scavenger Hunt #4 and #5

Kaze, Latte, and Chase asked my human pet to find the largest flower she could find. Well, considering there's a drought happening here in Houston, Texas, this was no small request. The human pet did manage to find a few homo sapiens interested in using their water on lawn care:




Mack asked for my human pet to find another puppy on her walks, but unfortunately, finding puppies strolling about the neighborhood was even more of a challenge than locating flowers.

Thank you for participating Kaze, Latte, and Chase!

One dollar will be donated to Laney in her pursuit of Mutt Strut Poster Pooch 2010 on your behalf, Mack!

Have a suggestion for what my human pet should be looking for on her walks? You can leave it here.

Celebrate the 4th by Commenting

My Pennsylvania friend, Khyra, is drumming up support for a special pooch named Kade. Kade is one of many animals being aided by The Last Resort Animal Rescue and Sanctuary in West Milford, New Jersey. At the moment, Kade is in need of some surgery, but the organization is lacking in greenbacks.

I can hear you saying it now: "Who isn't lacking in greenbacks these days, Zeus?"

True, but you can do your part by stopping by Khyra's today and wishing her a happy fourth of July. For every comment Khyra receives until Sunday evening, she will donate one dollar towards Kade's surgery costs. It's a terrific way to celebrate the holiday by sharing in some special fireworks of the charitable kind!

Scavenger Hunt #3

Mishkat asked for the human pet to find some money on the ground. Ares looked low...


...while the human pet looked high, but they did not find any money.

One dollar will be donated to Laney in support of her pursuit for Mutt Strut Poster Pooch 2010 on your behalf, Mishkat!

Have a suggestion for what my human pet should be looking for? Share it here!

Ares' Journal: Nal kliping

Special note from the human pet: Ares is fine! We both need to just calm down and take it slow with the nail clippings.

Scavenger Hunt #2

Parker asked for my human pet to find a fire hydrant. Well, that wasn't too hard:


Thank you for participating in the scavenger hunt, Parker!

Have something in mind for my human pet to find? You can make your suggestion here.

To some of my followers...

I tried to visit you today
but something always gets in the way.
Multiple windows appear,
Blank pages increasing my fear.

Occasionally, I stop by
and can't believe my eyes.
I see only your sidebar,
no posts from you, superstar.

Other times, when I hit your link,
I stop and begin to think:
Will I be able to comment today
since the screen is frozen to my dismay?

So if you have not seen me,
please listen to my plea:
It's not you, it's me.
iExplorer sucks, see?

Scavenger Hunt #1

Cliff and Olivia suggested my human pet find a cute cat in a window. Instead...

...she found a dog in a fence.

One dollar will be donated to Laney in support of Mutt Strut 2010 on your behalf, Cliff and Olivia!

Have a suggestion for what my human pet should look for? You can do so here.

Four-o-dark in the morning

I'm so annoyed with my human pet right now.

Readers, it's four-o-dark in the morning. I knew she had to get up early to administer some test to some children on some campus, but really? Four-o-dark in the morning? Is that even necessary?

While I know certain felines enjoy waking up at this unholy hour, I do not. I sleep straight to my designated time of six-thirty every morning. I don't handle adjustments or changes to my schedule well.

So hungry. So annoyed. The soft glow of this computer monitor makes me feel so comfy. If only I could just lay my head down on the keyboard and fall...asleep...yawn...

P.S. Thank you to everyone who made suggestions for Scavenger Hunt 2009! Please tell others about stopping by to make suggestions. Expect the first hunt late this afternoon.