Friday, July 31, 2009

Seven interesting fact-ual stories about my pet

I had been tagged by The Crew to disclose intimate details concerning my human pet. The rules were as follows:

Either (1) post 7 facts about yourself AND photos OR (2) post 10 facts about yourself with no photos, OR (3) post a childhood picture of yourself.

I had never been so pleased to be tagged. I live for embarassing my human pet. It's what I'm good for, and I aim for perfection.

1. On the third day of first grade, a girl named Michelle had been absent. While students shouted out to the teacher, Mrs. Force, that Michelle was sick, the human pet piped up with, "Maybe she's dead." A hush quickly overtook the students, but Mrs. Force kindly pointed out that that was highly unlikely. The human pet replied, "But it is still possible." Needless to say, her peers knew she was strange from that moment forward.

2. Lat
er on during first grade, the human pet had been approached by the elementary school bully: A second grader named A.J. who had an affinity for making girls kiss him. He cornered the human pet on the playground, waving his finger, saying, "Kiss me! Kiss me!" The human pet punched him so hard in the nose that the young boy was sent to the hospital. The pet's parents didn't find out anything had happened until a parent-teacher conference several weeks later. Apparently, the teachers were overjoyed with the pet's actions.

3. The pet had been seven or eight years old when her parents went to Disney World in Orlando, Florida. The pet's father had rented a really nice burgundy Cadillac for the growing family. As it just so happened, one morning during the vacation, the pet stuffed herself on three bowls of Lucky Charms for breakfast. After riding for an entire day, the family got into the rental car, only to listen to the pet complain about how she was going to throw up. The pet's father said, "You will not throw up in this car! Don't you dare do it!" The pet, left with no other option, pulled the flap on the back of the driver's seat, leaned over, and puked into the magazine pocket. You can imagine how much fun that was to clean up.

4. When my human pet was eleven years old, she went to a week-long camp for the summer with the Girl Scouts. While there, she had been rolling on top of an Earth Ball and fell head-first into the ground. She had been sent to the emergency room where it was discovered she had a sprained neck. One of the younger girls who had witnessed the event went home, ran for the community pool where the human pet's siblings were swimming, and announced, "Your sister is dead." The human pet's siblings continued playing in the pool until adult swim and then proceeded home to see if there was any truth to the matter.

5. At twelve, the human pet was encouraged to enter into the Western Pennsylvania Spelling Bee held at The Carnegie Science Center. The pet must have studied endlessly, being quizzed by her father night after night. She could spell everything - everything, that is, except for the word h-a-n-d-k-e-r-c-h-i-e-f, the word she misspelled her third time up to the microphone. When asked why she missed it, she said, "The 'd' is silent. I didn't know." Ah, the curse of the Western Pennsylvanian accent...

6. In eighth grade, the human pet, now thirteen, had three very special friends. They thought it would be cool to form their own clandestine girls' club. They gave themselves secret names based on, of all things, spices. The human pet's codename was Cinnamon. (You would be correct if you deduced that she gets teased with this name at holidays.)

7. Also during eighth grade, the human pet became overwhelmed by the rush of pure estrogen humming through her changing body. There was a boy (whose name she still remembers) who became the center of her world. When he declared his 'love' for another, the human pet took it upon herself to write one of the most vulgar, obscene, and downright lascivious letters ever known to man. The pet was caught for passing the note, the teacher read the infamous note (and almost fainted), and the pet was sent to the office where her mother then read the vile letter out loud for both the pet and the principal. The pet's punishment consisted of one week of both recess detention and after-school detention as well as being grounded for one week at home. What did she do during that time? Her parents asked her to write one 1000-word essay per night (seven essays total) related to the linguistic history of each curse word in her letter.

That concludes my trip down the human pet's memory lane. As you can see, I have my paws full with her and her antics. Unfortunately, she hasn't changed much since childhood.

21 comments:

Reese =^..^= said...

H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!!! The D is not silent in that one. My human pet used to be a lonely social outcasts..until she read this. Now she's not lonely.

The Monkeys said...

We're glad you exposed your human pet! This was a great read and we think we like your pet even more! So funny

Parker said...

Zeus, Mommy and I would like to thank you for making us laugh so hard that Mommy snorted coffee out of her nose!

The Creek Cats said...

That was awesome! Our mom laughed and laughed! Your pet is very cool!

Lola Lynn said...

Great stories. We're glad she hasn't changed much. We want to hear MORE!

Cory said...

LOL! You do have your hands full Zeus. We love the stories!

The Island Cats said...

Zeus, your pet is quite the character...how do you handle her???

Thanks for sharing those stories with us!

Ludo van Doggy said...

Great stories, you really does have your work cut out for you!

TC said...

Man, I love the story of her punching the bully! Good for her!

I wrote a note in 3rd grade calling another girl a beyotch. The teacher found it. Not good.

Khyra The Siberian Husky And Sometimes Her Mom said...

Fur a khat, woo are pretty DOGgone khlever!

I'm know woo have made your pet furry proud!

Hugz&Khysses,
Khyra

Jasmim said...

It's very fun know a bit about the life of your human pet =)

Mishkat said...

This was one of the funniest blog posts we've ever read! Our mom is still laughing. Zeus, you are an excellent writer.

P.S. We want to hear more like this!

The Crew said...

Ahh Zeus, you've done it again. Some of those made us LOL!!

To her credit, at least your Pet knew what a hanDkerchief was even with a silent "D". Kids nowadays wouldn't.

Obviously that 8th grade letter put your Pet on the path to become a first rate writer so it all turned out for the best. Well, except for the detention part.

Angel and Kirby said...

Your Mom is a very interesting person. We love hearing all the stuff about Mom's

Eric and Flynn said...

Haha! That made us laugh. You must always wonder what is coming next with your human pet. Tell her not to change.

Hank said...

"Your sister is dead." The human pet's siblings continued playing in the pool until adult swim and then proceeded home to see if there was any truth to the matter.

HA!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess that's whut happens when ya tell yer 1st grade class some kid might be dead!

Karma's a bitch, huh, Zeus buddy?

Cheysuli and gemini said...

Okay all those made me laugh. Now my human really has something to feel inferior about because none of her stories are that funny.

Fin said...

Oh boy I think I did my meme all wrong! This is much better! You do have your paws full, but the pet sounds pretty cool to us.

Hope she still isn't punching people who want to kiss her.

Lorenza said...

Haaaaa!
Thanks for sharing all those things about your pet!
Looks like she had a very interesting childhood!
Kisses and hugs
Lorenza

Lois Lane/Laney said...

Hey, in response to your questions...
Yes, my mom works from photographs, high quality digital works best. She charges about $25-30 right now. (I think you could get a discount for all your fundraising efforts on my behalf) ;)
Speaking of, my group of bark park friends were talking about how I'm probably not even going to make the top 12 for the calendar, and the other parents said we should make our own shirts with my pic on it for Mutt Strut. If we do, my mom is planning on sending you one too!

Noll's Nip said...

Zeus, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your pet's childhood tales :)