Be kind to your behind. It knows all.

It's a science as an old as time itself. The evolution of its history can be traced back to our earliest ancestors. Across seven continents, nothing else can claim such universality. So what could it be? If you guessed food, shelter, or fire, you would be wrong.

No, good reader, it is rumpology - the study of rear ends.

Currently in the scientific community, there is debate concerning the origins of this discipline. Many homo sapiens would like for their species to take credit for the birth of this extraordinary field, but several felines and canines are beginning to band together to fight back, claiming this branch of knowledge is specifically their own.

I became interested in rumpology when I overheard it being discussed on the human pet's radio. The morning announcers were trying to decide if there were any truth to discerning someone's personality and character based on the nooks and crannies of the person's buttocks. The two announcers mentioned Jacqueline Stallone and her 'study' of the derriere.

Intrigued, I decided to write to Jacqueline Stallone, famous rumpologist. As suggested on her website, I sent in a close-up of my rear with my letter detailing my investigation. Here is but a snippet of her report:

"Your rounded bottom suggests to me that you are a well-rounded person with much flexibility towards others. The curvature of your crevice indicates that you tend to be very accepting and good-natured. People enjoy your presence."

Personally, at this point, I felt pretty good about my venture into assology. After all, when people weren't looking at my gorgeous face, they were realizing what they were missing out on when I walked away. It seemed like a win-win situation to me.

That is until I met with Profesora Cordova.

Profesora Selina Cordova, leading specialist in canine rumps, of La Universidad Nacional de Mexico Para El Adelantamiento De Perros recently was kind enough to sit down and speak with me concerning her thoughts on the controversy during her recent visit to Houston, Texas. Right at the start of our discussion, she said heatedly, "How could homo sapiens really believe they came up with the idea of looking at or sniffing someone's butt? Everyone knows they got it from watching us! The whole idea is ludicrous!"

Profesora Cordova went on to explain that felines and canines have been sniffing one another's rear ends for centuries: "The whole process of the initial meeting between canines, for example, is to gather information regarding one another. The best way to do this is to smell one another's glands and to find out important things such as where the other has been, what food has been ingested, and what age the canine is." She went on to add that humans do not possess the necessary olfactory nerve endings to make such valid conclusions about one another by examining rear ends.

I informed the professor that I did not even have Ms. Stallone smell my rear end. I told her of how I had sent a picture of my furry bottom to the kind lady and how she had written me a very nice letter. Without warning, Profesora Cordova bent me over, took a whiff of my butt, and said, "You're completely selfish, a glutton to the very end. You whine continuously when you do not get your way. You tend to overgroom yourself and," she took another whiff before continuing, "you no longer enjoy sleeping with your human pet on the bed."

I almost cried, but I held back by tears. Her words cut me to the core, but I thanked the professor for her time and quietly left. I had always thought my ass was the greatest, but thanks to that mean-spirited chihuahua, I knew differently. Perhaps I had been too wanting, too demanding. Perhaps I had overstepped my bounds at home. Perhaps I had never known how to love.

Or perhaps the whole thing was just bullshit.

It smelled like it at least.