Top 10 Wackiest Dog and Cat Names for 2009

DOGS 10. Inspector Foo Foo 9. Kanye East 8. Fluffernutter 7. Mouse Meat 6. Bam-Bam Noodle Butt 5. Angus Sir Loin 4. Lunchbox 3. I Am Sparticus 2. Sergeant Sausage 1. Doogie Schnauzer, Md.

CATS 10. Polly Prissypants 9. Dishwasher 8. Yardsale 7. Thurston Picklesworth III 6. Catzilla 5. Blue Man Chew 4. Eartha Kitty 3. Velvet Elvis 2. Clawed Monet 1. Snag L. Tooth

For more strange names, visit The Top 50 Wackiest Pet Names for 2009 from VPI Pet Insurance

Building A Mystery

I'm beginning to suspect that Anonymous is really my human pseudo-grandma in disguise. I went through some of my older posts and compiled a series of comments that I think proves my case. I present them to you now in reverse chronological order:

December 29, 2009

Anonymous said...

I miss you Zeus, so glad to see you're back.

December 6, 2009

Anonymous said...

Ares sure likes his steak.

November 18, 2009

Anonymous said...

Ares, hope the fish oil will make you feel better.

November 17, 2009

Anonymous said...

Zeus,
Sorry to hear about Ares' eyes.
Don't worry you won't be in the rut for much longer just hold on until the holidays come then there'll be soo much excitement.

October 27, 2009

Anonymous said...

Zeus,
Enjoy the peace and quiet, hopefully no one will ring your door bell

October 19, 2009

Anonymous said...

Zeus,
I like your pumpkin; hope Isis and Ares helped out too.

So what do you think? Is it her? Is it someone else? Cast your vote now!

Thanks, human pseudo-grandma pet

Dear readers,

After a hiatus of nearly three weeks, imagine my surprise when the human pet actually allowed me use of the computer. Between her Mafia Wars, Vampire Wars, and Farmville addictions - let's not forget the imperative need to be on top of the leaderboard in Bejeweled Blitz - she was compelled to let me write. Why the sudden release on her vice grip of my freedom, authorizing me contact with the people who care if I live or die?

I present the following:

Hi Marina,

I am missing Zeus Excuse.

Always know that I love you.

Mom

Oh, human pseudo-grandma pet, I love you. Thank you for giving my pet a swift kick in the digital ass to allow me to finally return to typing. I should look to you more often in the future when such occurrences happen.

Let that be a lesson to you, readers: When all else fails, get your grandma involved to solve your problem. Who can ignore their mystical powers of persuasion? Clearly, they are uber powerful.

Steak

Umm, and this is...?

The things I find when I try to clean out the photos on my computer. I need to have a talk with the human pet's youngest brother.

Ares' Journal: Fish Oil

Caution: Rut Ahead

This is what humans call "falling into a rut".

I've just been pretty apathetic to all around me. I've had no desire to leave the couch. I've contemplated making art out of the litter, but it remained nothing more than a contemplation. I've picked and poked at my food, but the taste is simply blaise.

Not even observing Kelly Osbourne and her infectious smile could snap me out of this so-called "rut".

I'd always been curious how humans could fall into so many ruts when such ditches seemed to be fairly obvious, even from great distances. Now, I seem to have more clarity on the issue.

The only somewhat interesting thing to report is that I have returned to calling Ares by his adorable nickname of Chares (pronounced as cherries). His tear duct popped out last night, and the human pet just shook her head. Nothing like one more bill during the holidays to make the season bright!

Has anything interesting been happening with you, my friends and readers? If so, let me live vicariously through you.

What are they singing?

The human pet's brothers give new meaning to the words 'American Bandstand' at the wedding

Here comes the bride...

Well, apparently the human pet left to get me a brother-in-law. To be honest, though, I don't know if he would be called my brother-in-law or simply a cousin by marriage. I'll have to think about this...

Congratulations to the human pet's sister and her new husband as they begin their journey together! Yay for human mating rituals!

Don't trip when you fall

Oh boy...

The suitcases are coming out again. I can't believe the human pet is going to be leaving me, especially at Halloween! Who will hand out the candy to the little kiddies? Who will frighten Isis throughout the night? Who will send FrankenAres out to torture the masses?

Who will convince the trick-or-treaters that my human pet is harmless?

This is just not right.

Now, I'm going to be pouting all day.

Ares' New Coat

My dear feline friends,

Let's all point our claws at Ares and laugh as the human pet bought him his own coat. Apparently, he shakes and shivers when he's outside because of the supposed 'cold', and out of pity, the human pet had to help him. It's so sad when one's natural coat doesn't do what it should.

I present the coat to you now for your own amusement. You can thank me later.

The Cat Who Betrayed His Girlfriend

Since asking politely hasn't helped...

I'VE HAD IT, HUMAN PET!

YOU'VE DENIED ME FOR TOO LONG!

WHY DOES ARES GET TO OUTSIDE, AND I DON'T?!

ARRRGHHHH!!!!

My claws are tired now...

Easy. Breezy. Beautiful. Claws to the face.

Dear Mama,

You'd better not even think about putting your patty-cake foundation, sticky-icky mascara, or poopy plum lipstick on me! Just because you saw this woman do it, doesn't mean you have to. The voices in my head say we're fan-freaking-tastic looking like a clown on our own, and I believe them.











P.S. Don't even think about sitting me down to file my nails. I'll file them myself...on your backside!

Happy Columbus Day!

Ah, it's that time of year to celebrate a man who managed to achieve what so many before him already had.

I'm referring to Mr. Christopher Columbus, of course!

Erik the Red Day was too long, and no one had any desire to dress up like Capital One spokesmen and pillage local golf courses.

If you feel like showing off your Columbus pride and discovering different perspectives concerning the holiday, check out some of these fun and informative websites below.

Columbus Day 2009 at Kaboose

The History of Columbus Day

Why The American Indian Movement Opposes Columbus Day

Columbus No Angel, Yet His An Estimable Legacy

The Deluxe Christopher Columbus Crossword

What makes you think I'm up to something?

Extra-strength beer googles lead to extra-strength beat down

Dear anonymous man from Calgary, Alberta,

What in the hell were you thinking? How much alcohol does it take for this to even begin sounding like a good idea? I'm curious - no pun intended.

Sincerely,

A battle of two gods

There's something to be said
for the will of a male
when all odds are set against him,
when all life simply seems to derail.

Honor and glory,
Tales and songs,
A history of his battle
traversed through its throngs.
This is but what he wants:
A history remembered
for its joys and not its wrongs.

Odysseus traveled to the ends of Greece,
battling the Cyclops, the Sirens, and the Scylla,
but as epic as even his journey is,
it pales to this one lone hurrah.

The day had come
for this male to stand,
to deliver the final hammer stroke,
to elicit his one command.
Ares, god of war, had no recourse,
no protection from the pain,
felling the onslaught firsthand.

Zeus, god of the sky,
and also the House,
declared once and for all
that his rule would not be doused.

Seeing his couch dominated
by the taunt and lean pup,
Zeus leaped into the air,
his paws in a windup.
He hissed and spat,
making it clear
Ares would receive quite the wallop.

From that day forth,
Ares would no longer lay
on Zeus' pristine throne,
much to the god of war's dismay.

Though Ares would try,
sneaking onto its cushions now and then,
Zeus had made it clear
that Ares would never again
sit on top of the couch,
lay on the covers,
for that was his hallowed place of zen.

10 Top 10 Lists for Cat Lovers

Very rarely do I ever get excited over my inbox. Normally when I check my e-mail in the morning, I find nothing more than random Nigerian princes asking me to donate to their dwindling purses. Yesterday morning, though, there was something a bit more intriguing lurking between the spam.

I'm very pleased to announce that The Zeus Excuse has been selected for inclusion in the eBook 10 Top 10 Lists for Cat Lovers published by BellaLife Studios!

The eBook costs $9.98 CDN and has a very simple download process. No special programs are required to view the contents. Better still is the fact that 50% of sales goes towards non-profit groups such as cat rescues, shelters, and charities! It's a terrific way to get solid information regarding your feline while helping other felines in need.

If you're interested in learning more about the 10 Top 10 Lists for Cat Lovers, simply click here.

Ares' Journal: Envy

Slowly back away from the PMS-ing human pet

Dear Ares,

Look. We know the human pet is a female, but for the love of all that's holy, do you really need to let us know when she's about to have a visit from her monthly friend? We can tell she's PMS-ing (That's Psychotic Mood Shift in case you didn't know.) even without sniffing her rear. The fact you decide to shove your wet nose there when she's laying down is beyond gross, dude.

You've been in this house since April, and if you haven't noticed the signs yet, there's something wrong with you. She starts stuffing her face with salty foods, french fries being her absolute favorite. She cries at anything remotely emotional - remember yesterday evening when she cried because Ramon was voted off of Project Runway? She'd never have done that if he had been voted off last week! Let's also not forget the cramping, bloating, and occasional gassy treat we're forced to endure.

(While I know you are quite the gassy creature, the human pet can and will give you a run for your money. You may not know this, but sometimes, when she's the one who unleashed the bomb, she blames you. The worst part is that you actually like being blamed. You need to stop that!)

So, really, dude, just back off the humping of the human pet's leg, the sniffing of her crotch, and the following her back and forth as if she's some delectable treat. It's a little creepy, dude, and honestly, females don't like that. There's no love in the word 'stalker'.

What is this?!

Hide the remote. Football season is here.

Football season is in full effect in my house.

This usually means several things.

First, special meals are prepared on Sundays. I have no idea why any game constitutes having an extraordinary meal of hot sausage, boudain balls, spaghetti and meatballs, pizza, chili, hamburgers and hot dogs, or gyros. Does this food somehow add to the entertainment value of twenty-two men slamming into one another over some little thing they call a pigskin? I don't think so.

(I'd honestly like to know why they even label that oddly shaped ball a pigskin. Since when did hog skin become so valuable that men would fight over it?)

Second, it means nothing gets done around my house. My human pet will wake up early, make a pot of coffee, and then prepare for the games by watching something the homo sapiens call 'the pregame show'. 'The pregame show' is similar to the ancient Greek oracle: You visit 'the pregame show' to 'know' whether or not your team is going to win that day by listening to 'the predictions' of 'analysts' (known also by the humans as 'color commentators') who used to be former players of the game. The hilarity continues as these analysts perform, dance, and argue amongst themselves as to whose predictions are correct.

Needless to say, the human pet eats it all up as if it were Fancy Feast for the soul.

Then the game commences, and I swear, it's as if time stops in the house. Only two things will get my pet off of the couch: the need to smoke when her team is down and a trip to the litter box. That is it. If I were to break some sort of appendage or kill Isis when she wasn't looking, I promise you, it could wait until the end of the game.

Nothing is more important than watching her beloved Steelers.

Finally, the third thing is that I encourage all of my friends to purchase stock in Excedrin as I undoubtedly purchase thousands of bottles throughout the football season. The human pet is notorious for screaming and yelling at her television. It's as if she truly believes that her men in black and gold can hear her, but instead, only my cochleas are suffering from her onslaught of cuss words at high-pitched frequencies.

I personally think angels cry when my human pet watches football.

I know I do.

So, for all of these reasons and many more, I am adding football season to my Litter List. You make my life a living hell for seven months, and all I have are painful memories (and ears) to show for it. Consider yourself warned, football season: I'm coming with a cancellation notice in paw!

Recipe for Bacon Carbonara Appetizer

Since the Bacon Carbonara Appetizers were a big hit, here's the recipe!

Ingredients

2 pizza crusts (6 inch)

1/4 cup Alfredo sauce

6 slices of bacon, crisply cooked and crumbled

3 Tbsp. chopped red onion

2 tsp. grated Parmesan cheese

2 tsp. chopped fresh parsley

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Place pizza crusts on baking sheet. Top with sauce, bacon, red onion, and Parmesan cheese.

2. Bake 8 minutes or until crust has reached a golden brown.

3. Cut pizza into thin wedges to serve.

Suggestions

We decided to make this appetizer on the cheap so rather than pay five dollars per premade pizza crust, we made our own using Jiffy Pizza Crust Mix. It turned out so much better in our opinion!

The human pet's birthday

The human pet's birthday was on September 10, and in grand fashion, we celebrated by making a terrific meal for her!

Bacon Carbonara Appetizer

Cornmeal Breaded Chicken Breast with Peach and Tomato Salsa and Garlic Mashed Potatoes

White Heart Cake

I think we did pretty good, don't you think?

Thursday Thirteen #40

Taking care of your human pet can be a lot of work, especially when it comes to keeping your pet looking her best. With so many products on the market, how do you know which ones are great for your pet? Perhaps my list of go-to's will help you the next time you're out shopping for your pet.

Thirteen Products I Use to Keep My Human Pet Looking Good

13. Aveeno Clear Complexion Cream Cleanser

12. Biore Pore Unclogging Scrub

11. Anew Clinical Eye Lift

10. Anew Alternative Clearly C 10% Vitamin C Serum

9. Clean and Clear Oxygenating Ultra-Light Skin Moisturizer

8. Pantene Beautiful Lengths Shampoo

7. Pantene Beautiful Lengths Conditioner

6. Colgate toothpaste

5. Dove Go Fresh Body Wash Burst

4. A great pair of tweezers

3. Lady Speed Stick

2. Revlon ColorStay Makeup

1. Dove Energy Glow Body Lotion

Give him his wings

April 1, 1988 - August 31, 2009

Good bye, Kevin.

"10000 days in the fire is long enough.
You're going home..."

10,000 Days (Wings, Part 2) - Tool

Thank goodness it's Monday!

The weekend was pretty uneventful, aside from the shrieks and cries of zombies dying thanks to skillful shooting of the human pet. Left 4 Dead actually looked so entertaining that I even contemplated hopping onto the Xbox 360 to take a try at it. I only got to think about playing, though, as the human pet practically hogged it every chance she got.

Aside from that, the human pet finalized her doctorate application to Texas A&M University. She won't know whether she's accepted until November or December. Now, it's time to turn our attentions towards applying for financial aid - a process the human pet finds utterly confusing. Who knew she could be so easily outwitted?

As for me, I'm just glad it's Monday. It means I get the whole house to myself. Ah, peace and quiet with an occasional whine from Ares. There's nothing better.

There's enough drama in reality...minus the tv.

There I was, preparing my kibble for another dramatic episode of Project Runway, when I heard the shrieking bloody cry of the human pet from outside. I ran to the window to look out, but as I did so, the front door flew open, and I watched with mild interest as Ares was flung inside. The door quickly slammed shut, but the human pet did not enter.

Moments later, the human pet walked into the living room, and she was shaking. Her eyes were welling up quickly with tears, and she could barely move, standing firmly in one place, boring a hole into Ares with her eyes alone.

"What happened?" I whispered.

The human pet explained that she had gone out to collect the mail from our mailbox which is right by the road in front of our house. Ares had followed her down the driveway, and as it just so happened, the neighbor from across the street had come outside at the same time, walking to his car to grab something he had forgotten. Ares had bolted, running to our neighbor friend to say hello, and the human pet had given him a firm warning, saying his name assertively.

With his ears back indicating he had understood, Ares turned quickly around to run back across the street to our front porch, but he had not seen that a car was coming down the road. It had been exceptionally dark thanks to the flickering status of the broken street lamp in front of our house so the human pet quickly knew that the little one would be quite difficult to see for the oncoming driver. She had little time to think, but she knew if something was not done, Ares would be hit - such was the timing of the entire incident.

She ran in front of the oncoming car, hands in front of her in the universal symbol for 'stop', and yelled at the top of her lungs, "No!"

Brakes squealed as the headlights illuminated the human pet in the middle of the road. She didn't stand there, though, like so many deer who find themselves in that precarious position. After the car had stopped, she ran into our yard, scooped up Ares, and proceeded to throw him into the house...literally.

I had never known until last night the depth of my human pet's love for us, that she would risk her own life to save ours. I don't think she realized it either until that moment, so shocked she was by her own actions without regard to her own safety. It was a powerful moment for everyone involved.

Needless to say, Project Runway lacked a certain je na sais quoi after that.

Thursday Thirteen #39

Thirteen Reasons Why I Haven't Written Anything Good Lately

13. I haven't been getting my Omega-3's.

12. My nails are too long.

11. Every time I want to go on the computer, Ares is playing Mafia Wars.

10. I love watching Hell's Kitchen, Top Chef, and Project Runway.

9. Isis has not been much of a muse lately.

8. I've taken up paper shredding as a hobby.

7. Every time I want to go on the computer, the human pet is on Facebook.

6. I'm so close to beating Guitar Hero on expert. (Do you have any idea how hard it is to reach both the keys and the strum bar for a feline? Believe me: This is quite an accomplishment!)

5. I keep getting phone calls from old friends like Phil.

4. I'm swamped in fan mail, and paper cuts hurt.

3. Every time I want to go on the computer, Isis is on Twitter.

2. I have ideas, but due to reason 8, they somehow never make it to paper.

1. I'm in a vicious cycle of sleeping too much and hence, I'm always too tired.

Show me your mean mug

Mastermind Moscow Mutts

I really didn't know what to think when I heard about this originally on The Colbert Report, but apparently, it is true. Stray dogs in Moscow are now taking to the subway to travel. According to other websites, the stray dogs have taken to public transportation in an effort to find food, returning to their home base in the evening.

Note to self: Find a subway station, and leave Ares there. He'll surely be alright.

Crasher Squirrels

The original Crasher Squirrel photo was taken by Melissa and Jackson Brandts in Banff in late May. (Melissa Brandts)

Don't you just hate when self-centered, lime-lighting squirrels ruin a good photo opportunity? I know I do. While browsing the Internet, I could not help but notice this little nugget of joy tucked away on one of my many social networking sites. I laughed so hard that tuna juice squirted from my nose. Enjoy Top 10 Crasher Squirrels! You will not be sorry!