Slowly back away from the PMS-ing human pet

Dear Ares,

Look. We know the human pet is a female, but for the love of all that's holy, do you really need to let us know when she's about to have a visit from her monthly friend? We can tell she's PMS-ing (That's Psychotic Mood Shift in case you didn't know.) even without sniffing her rear. The fact you decide to shove your wet nose there when she's laying down is beyond gross, dude.

You've been in this house since April, and if you haven't noticed the signs yet, there's something wrong with you. She starts stuffing her face with salty foods, french fries being her absolute favorite. She cries at anything remotely emotional - remember yesterday evening when she cried because Ramon was voted off of Project Runway? She'd never have done that if he had been voted off last week! Let's also not forget the cramping, bloating, and occasional gassy treat we're forced to endure.

(While I know you are quite the gassy creature, the human pet can and will give you a run for your money. You may not know this, but sometimes, when she's the one who unleashed the bomb, she blames you. The worst part is that you actually like being blamed. You need to stop that!)

So, really, dude, just back off the humping of the human pet's leg, the sniffing of her crotch, and the following her back and forth as if she's some delectable treat. It's a little creepy, dude, and honestly, females don't like that. There's no love in the word 'stalker'.