Here comes the bride...

Well, apparently the human pet left to get me a brother-in-law. To be honest, though, I don't know if he would be called my brother-in-law or simply a cousin by marriage. I'll have to think about this...

Congratulations to the human pet's sister and her new husband as they begin their journey together! Yay for human mating rituals!

Don't trip when you fall

Oh boy...

The suitcases are coming out again. I can't believe the human pet is going to be leaving me, especially at Halloween! Who will hand out the candy to the little kiddies? Who will frighten Isis throughout the night? Who will send FrankenAres out to torture the masses?

Who will convince the trick-or-treaters that my human pet is harmless?

This is just not right.

Now, I'm going to be pouting all day.

Ares' New Coat

My dear feline friends,

Let's all point our claws at Ares and laugh as the human pet bought him his own coat. Apparently, he shakes and shivers when he's outside because of the supposed 'cold', and out of pity, the human pet had to help him. It's so sad when one's natural coat doesn't do what it should.

I present the coat to you now for your own amusement. You can thank me later.

The Cat Who Betrayed His Girlfriend

Since asking politely hasn't helped...

I'VE HAD IT, HUMAN PET!

YOU'VE DENIED ME FOR TOO LONG!

WHY DOES ARES GET TO OUTSIDE, AND I DON'T?!

ARRRGHHHH!!!!

My claws are tired now...

Easy. Breezy. Beautiful. Claws to the face.

Dear Mama,

You'd better not even think about putting your patty-cake foundation, sticky-icky mascara, or poopy plum lipstick on me! Just because you saw this woman do it, doesn't mean you have to. The voices in my head say we're fan-freaking-tastic looking like a clown on our own, and I believe them.











P.S. Don't even think about sitting me down to file my nails. I'll file them myself...on your backside!

Happy Columbus Day!

Ah, it's that time of year to celebrate a man who managed to achieve what so many before him already had.

I'm referring to Mr. Christopher Columbus, of course!

Erik the Red Day was too long, and no one had any desire to dress up like Capital One spokesmen and pillage local golf courses.

If you feel like showing off your Columbus pride and discovering different perspectives concerning the holiday, check out some of these fun and informative websites below.

Columbus Day 2009 at Kaboose

The History of Columbus Day

Why The American Indian Movement Opposes Columbus Day

Columbus No Angel, Yet His An Estimable Legacy

The Deluxe Christopher Columbus Crossword

What makes you think I'm up to something?

Extra-strength beer googles lead to extra-strength beat down

Dear anonymous man from Calgary, Alberta,

What in the hell were you thinking? How much alcohol does it take for this to even begin sounding like a good idea? I'm curious - no pun intended.

Sincerely,

A battle of two gods

There's something to be said
for the will of a male
when all odds are set against him,
when all life simply seems to derail.

Honor and glory,
Tales and songs,
A history of his battle
traversed through its throngs.
This is but what he wants:
A history remembered
for its joys and not its wrongs.

Odysseus traveled to the ends of Greece,
battling the Cyclops, the Sirens, and the Scylla,
but as epic as even his journey is,
it pales to this one lone hurrah.

The day had come
for this male to stand,
to deliver the final hammer stroke,
to elicit his one command.
Ares, god of war, had no recourse,
no protection from the pain,
felling the onslaught firsthand.

Zeus, god of the sky,
and also the House,
declared once and for all
that his rule would not be doused.

Seeing his couch dominated
by the taunt and lean pup,
Zeus leaped into the air,
his paws in a windup.
He hissed and spat,
making it clear
Ares would receive quite the wallop.

From that day forth,
Ares would no longer lay
on Zeus' pristine throne,
much to the god of war's dismay.

Though Ares would try,
sneaking onto its cushions now and then,
Zeus had made it clear
that Ares would never again
sit on top of the couch,
lay on the covers,
for that was his hallowed place of zen.

10 Top 10 Lists for Cat Lovers

Very rarely do I ever get excited over my inbox. Normally when I check my e-mail in the morning, I find nothing more than random Nigerian princes asking me to donate to their dwindling purses. Yesterday morning, though, there was something a bit more intriguing lurking between the spam.

I'm very pleased to announce that The Zeus Excuse has been selected for inclusion in the eBook 10 Top 10 Lists for Cat Lovers published by BellaLife Studios!

The eBook costs $9.98 CDN and has a very simple download process. No special programs are required to view the contents. Better still is the fact that 50% of sales goes towards non-profit groups such as cat rescues, shelters, and charities! It's a terrific way to get solid information regarding your feline while helping other felines in need.

If you're interested in learning more about the 10 Top 10 Lists for Cat Lovers, simply click here.

Ares' Journal: Envy

Slowly back away from the PMS-ing human pet

Dear Ares,

Look. We know the human pet is a female, but for the love of all that's holy, do you really need to let us know when she's about to have a visit from her monthly friend? We can tell she's PMS-ing (That's Psychotic Mood Shift in case you didn't know.) even without sniffing her rear. The fact you decide to shove your wet nose there when she's laying down is beyond gross, dude.

You've been in this house since April, and if you haven't noticed the signs yet, there's something wrong with you. She starts stuffing her face with salty foods, french fries being her absolute favorite. She cries at anything remotely emotional - remember yesterday evening when she cried because Ramon was voted off of Project Runway? She'd never have done that if he had been voted off last week! Let's also not forget the cramping, bloating, and occasional gassy treat we're forced to endure.

(While I know you are quite the gassy creature, the human pet can and will give you a run for your money. You may not know this, but sometimes, when she's the one who unleashed the bomb, she blames you. The worst part is that you actually like being blamed. You need to stop that!)

So, really, dude, just back off the humping of the human pet's leg, the sniffing of her crotch, and the following her back and forth as if she's some delectable treat. It's a little creepy, dude, and honestly, females don't like that. There's no love in the word 'stalker'.

What is this?!

Hide the remote. Football season is here.

Football season is in full effect in my house.

This usually means several things.

First, special meals are prepared on Sundays. I have no idea why any game constitutes having an extraordinary meal of hot sausage, boudain balls, spaghetti and meatballs, pizza, chili, hamburgers and hot dogs, or gyros. Does this food somehow add to the entertainment value of twenty-two men slamming into one another over some little thing they call a pigskin? I don't think so.

(I'd honestly like to know why they even label that oddly shaped ball a pigskin. Since when did hog skin become so valuable that men would fight over it?)

Second, it means nothing gets done around my house. My human pet will wake up early, make a pot of coffee, and then prepare for the games by watching something the homo sapiens call 'the pregame show'. 'The pregame show' is similar to the ancient Greek oracle: You visit 'the pregame show' to 'know' whether or not your team is going to win that day by listening to 'the predictions' of 'analysts' (known also by the humans as 'color commentators') who used to be former players of the game. The hilarity continues as these analysts perform, dance, and argue amongst themselves as to whose predictions are correct.

Needless to say, the human pet eats it all up as if it were Fancy Feast for the soul.

Then the game commences, and I swear, it's as if time stops in the house. Only two things will get my pet off of the couch: the need to smoke when her team is down and a trip to the litter box. That is it. If I were to break some sort of appendage or kill Isis when she wasn't looking, I promise you, it could wait until the end of the game.

Nothing is more important than watching her beloved Steelers.

Finally, the third thing is that I encourage all of my friends to purchase stock in Excedrin as I undoubtedly purchase thousands of bottles throughout the football season. The human pet is notorious for screaming and yelling at her television. It's as if she truly believes that her men in black and gold can hear her, but instead, only my cochleas are suffering from her onslaught of cuss words at high-pitched frequencies.

I personally think angels cry when my human pet watches football.

I know I do.

So, for all of these reasons and many more, I am adding football season to my Litter List. You make my life a living hell for seven months, and all I have are painful memories (and ears) to show for it. Consider yourself warned, football season: I'm coming with a cancellation notice in paw!

Recipe for Bacon Carbonara Appetizer

Since the Bacon Carbonara Appetizers were a big hit, here's the recipe!

Ingredients

2 pizza crusts (6 inch)

1/4 cup Alfredo sauce

6 slices of bacon, crisply cooked and crumbled

3 Tbsp. chopped red onion

2 tsp. grated Parmesan cheese

2 tsp. chopped fresh parsley

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Place pizza crusts on baking sheet. Top with sauce, bacon, red onion, and Parmesan cheese.

2. Bake 8 minutes or until crust has reached a golden brown.

3. Cut pizza into thin wedges to serve.

Suggestions

We decided to make this appetizer on the cheap so rather than pay five dollars per premade pizza crust, we made our own using Jiffy Pizza Crust Mix. It turned out so much better in our opinion!

The human pet's birthday

The human pet's birthday was on September 10, and in grand fashion, we celebrated by making a terrific meal for her!

Bacon Carbonara Appetizer

Cornmeal Breaded Chicken Breast with Peach and Tomato Salsa and Garlic Mashed Potatoes

White Heart Cake

I think we did pretty good, don't you think?

Thursday Thirteen #40

Taking care of your human pet can be a lot of work, especially when it comes to keeping your pet looking her best. With so many products on the market, how do you know which ones are great for your pet? Perhaps my list of go-to's will help you the next time you're out shopping for your pet.

Thirteen Products I Use to Keep My Human Pet Looking Good

13. Aveeno Clear Complexion Cream Cleanser

12. Biore Pore Unclogging Scrub

11. Anew Clinical Eye Lift

10. Anew Alternative Clearly C 10% Vitamin C Serum

9. Clean and Clear Oxygenating Ultra-Light Skin Moisturizer

8. Pantene Beautiful Lengths Shampoo

7. Pantene Beautiful Lengths Conditioner

6. Colgate toothpaste

5. Dove Go Fresh Body Wash Burst

4. A great pair of tweezers

3. Lady Speed Stick

2. Revlon ColorStay Makeup

1. Dove Energy Glow Body Lotion

Give him his wings

April 1, 1988 - August 31, 2009

Good bye, Kevin.

"10000 days in the fire is long enough.
You're going home..."

10,000 Days (Wings, Part 2) - Tool

Thank goodness it's Monday!

The weekend was pretty uneventful, aside from the shrieks and cries of zombies dying thanks to skillful shooting of the human pet. Left 4 Dead actually looked so entertaining that I even contemplated hopping onto the Xbox 360 to take a try at it. I only got to think about playing, though, as the human pet practically hogged it every chance she got.

Aside from that, the human pet finalized her doctorate application to Texas A&M University. She won't know whether she's accepted until November or December. Now, it's time to turn our attentions towards applying for financial aid - a process the human pet finds utterly confusing. Who knew she could be so easily outwitted?

As for me, I'm just glad it's Monday. It means I get the whole house to myself. Ah, peace and quiet with an occasional whine from Ares. There's nothing better.

There's enough drama in reality...minus the tv.

There I was, preparing my kibble for another dramatic episode of Project Runway, when I heard the shrieking bloody cry of the human pet from outside. I ran to the window to look out, but as I did so, the front door flew open, and I watched with mild interest as Ares was flung inside. The door quickly slammed shut, but the human pet did not enter.

Moments later, the human pet walked into the living room, and she was shaking. Her eyes were welling up quickly with tears, and she could barely move, standing firmly in one place, boring a hole into Ares with her eyes alone.

"What happened?" I whispered.

The human pet explained that she had gone out to collect the mail from our mailbox which is right by the road in front of our house. Ares had followed her down the driveway, and as it just so happened, the neighbor from across the street had come outside at the same time, walking to his car to grab something he had forgotten. Ares had bolted, running to our neighbor friend to say hello, and the human pet had given him a firm warning, saying his name assertively.

With his ears back indicating he had understood, Ares turned quickly around to run back across the street to our front porch, but he had not seen that a car was coming down the road. It had been exceptionally dark thanks to the flickering status of the broken street lamp in front of our house so the human pet quickly knew that the little one would be quite difficult to see for the oncoming driver. She had little time to think, but she knew if something was not done, Ares would be hit - such was the timing of the entire incident.

She ran in front of the oncoming car, hands in front of her in the universal symbol for 'stop', and yelled at the top of her lungs, "No!"

Brakes squealed as the headlights illuminated the human pet in the middle of the road. She didn't stand there, though, like so many deer who find themselves in that precarious position. After the car had stopped, she ran into our yard, scooped up Ares, and proceeded to throw him into the house...literally.

I had never known until last night the depth of my human pet's love for us, that she would risk her own life to save ours. I don't think she realized it either until that moment, so shocked she was by her own actions without regard to her own safety. It was a powerful moment for everyone involved.

Needless to say, Project Runway lacked a certain je na sais quoi after that.

Thursday Thirteen #39

Thirteen Reasons Why I Haven't Written Anything Good Lately

13. I haven't been getting my Omega-3's.

12. My nails are too long.

11. Every time I want to go on the computer, Ares is playing Mafia Wars.

10. I love watching Hell's Kitchen, Top Chef, and Project Runway.

9. Isis has not been much of a muse lately.

8. I've taken up paper shredding as a hobby.

7. Every time I want to go on the computer, the human pet is on Facebook.

6. I'm so close to beating Guitar Hero on expert. (Do you have any idea how hard it is to reach both the keys and the strum bar for a feline? Believe me: This is quite an accomplishment!)

5. I keep getting phone calls from old friends like Phil.

4. I'm swamped in fan mail, and paper cuts hurt.

3. Every time I want to go on the computer, Isis is on Twitter.

2. I have ideas, but due to reason 8, they somehow never make it to paper.

1. I'm in a vicious cycle of sleeping too much and hence, I'm always too tired.

Show me your mean mug

Mastermind Moscow Mutts

I really didn't know what to think when I heard about this originally on The Colbert Report, but apparently, it is true. Stray dogs in Moscow are now taking to the subway to travel. According to other websites, the stray dogs have taken to public transportation in an effort to find food, returning to their home base in the evening.

Note to self: Find a subway station, and leave Ares there. He'll surely be alright.

Crasher Squirrels

The original Crasher Squirrel photo was taken by Melissa and Jackson Brandts in Banff in late May. (Melissa Brandts)

Don't you just hate when self-centered, lime-lighting squirrels ruin a good photo opportunity? I know I do. While browsing the Internet, I could not help but notice this little nugget of joy tucked away on one of my many social networking sites. I laughed so hard that tuna juice squirted from my nose. Enjoy Top 10 Crasher Squirrels! You will not be sorry!

Trashy ice cream

Sigh...

Yesterday, I had this terrific post idea brewing in my mind all day. I went to my computer to get to work, and ouila! The internet was down thanks to bad storms in the area. Alas, I have nothing to offer you, reader, except a random pondering pertaining to whether or not ice cream can be trashy. I present to you the following evidence:All I can say is that this human female looks like she's enjoying her ice cream a little too much.

Back to school

Dear human pet,

Do well at school today! Don't let anything get you down. It is a new year, filled with excitement and challenges you have yet to discover. I am sure you will outperform all the rest.

Remember your motto: One student is glad you showed up today.

Surely, that has to make waking up at 6:00 in the morning worth it.

You'll always be number one in my heart

It is with a sad heart that I must report that Laney has not won Mutt Strut Poster Pooch 2010.

Apparently, a dog named Junior received over 1000 plus votes. Honestly? A dog named Junior? How original is that? Bleh.

For all of our hard efforts with the scavenger hunt, though, we did help to make the contest a success for the Humane Society of Indianapolis. Over $26,000 was raised, and all of it will go towards helping stray dogs and cats receive the care they need in order to be healthy, happy animals. There is some comfort in that. Thanks go out to all of our readers who submitted suggestions for our walks!

So do me a favor, and visit Laney today on her blog. Let her know you think she's a special kind of gal. Make sure to point out that she doesn't look fat in that bandana, how her cape compliments her eyes, or how she will always be number one in our hearts.

Running for a cure

There's something to be said for the power of the Internet. Three years ago, no one knew who I was. I was just minding my own business, living out my life on the couch, watching a bland array of reality television shows and wondering if I would ever be able to become a contestant on Survivor. Thanks to this adventure known as blogging, I have a life outside of my house, and I have real friends...even if we connect through the Ethernet cable.

And now, one of my many friends needs my help.

Jeff Patyk has been an avid reader of The Zeus Excuse for some time. He's a true stand-up guy, and I can say that as an envious sufferer of quadrupedalism. At present, Jeff is training for the Marine Corps Marathon in Washington, D.C. on October 25, 2009 where his efforts will be rewarded by raising money for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. As a special honor, he will be running on behalf of the human pet's cousin, Kevin.

Please help us at The Zeus Excuse return the favor by passing this post along to others you know. Submit a donation on Jeff's website if at all possible. Jeff's goal is $1800, and he is currently at $700. No one need tell us how tight money is, but as the infamous homo sapien saying goes, "Every little bit counts". I am sure with our combined efforts we can help him accomplish his goal and so much more.

Thank you to Jeff and all of the great people in the Washington, D.C. area for their hard work in helping to stamp out my number one Litter List offender: cancer. Great change is possible. Just look at what the Internet did for my social life!

And the new waterboy for the Pittsburgh Steelers is...

Dear human pet,

While I realize you have been waiting all summer long for football season to begin, was it really necessary to purchase this:


I know you had it customized to have Ares' name on the back. If you even so much as think of having one made for me, I will claw it to itty bitty shreds upon arrival! Isn't it bad enough that all of us ARE Steelers' colors?! We ARE a walking Steelers' jersey!

Gone for a few days

We here at The Zeus Excuse will be taking the rest of the week off. The human pet's grandmother passed away this afternoon. She will be flying to Pittsburgh to be with her family.

We'll see you back here next Monday.