Friday, December 15, 2006

Survival letter to Bear

Dear Bear,

I have been watching your show, Man vs. Wild, for the past five weeks. At first, I wasn't sure whether or not you were a real "survivor". After all, it's quite clear there are people with you as you traipse about the hellish location of the day, but I haven't seen these mystery people joyously jump into a frozen lake just to show others how to properly get out, ravenously dig a snow cave into the glistening face of a mountain, or eagerly attempt to ride a wild horse while traveling the Sierras.

I've come to the conclusion that you don't get a lot of help from those camera technicians, and that even if they did know how to save you from some diabolical predicament, they'd probably record your death for an upcoming show.

If you have a moment, I have two questions.

One: Why is your name Bear? Is there some sort of funny story to this? You have no idea how long I was confused every time I watched. It's quite disorienting to see a man named Bear; your world flips topsy-turvy.

Two: I failed horribly at your Life or Death Survival Game. Who knew a wooden pole could perform so many functions, but I digress... Because of my disappointing performance on this test of skill, I was hoping you might show me in person how to survive out in the wild. Would it be possible for me to join you on your next expedition so that I might learn first-hand from the master?

I hope to hear from you soon, and I will be watching the Discovery Channel tonight at 9 pm Eastern to see your latest adventure!


Carmen said...

I haven't seen the show, but I love the commercials. i know it wouldn't interest you Zeus, but maybe your human pet would agree with me that "Bear" is a cutie! :)

Kukka-Maria said...

Bear? Are you sure it's not "Bare?" Perhaps he's just a nekkid man with a wandering spirit.

Anonymous said...

Kukka my cousin Bear is just what every empress in exile needs. Tall, very fit and I must say a bit of an exhabitionist. Why almost every episode he is getting out of his soaking cloths and doing naked pushups by a roaring fire.

Anonymous said...

For the record, Carmen: Bear is definitely a hottie. However, I am glad I am not his wife because I don't think I would ever have let him name one of our sons Marmaduke.

Yes, you heard me: Marmaduke.

Shakes her head disappointingly...

Renee Nefe said...

Oh, I do hope you get to go Zeus. That would be so cool!

Batpug said...

I guess I've been missing out; I'm not familiar with this Bear character.