Scavenger Hunt 2009

Due to the neverending drought in Houston, the human pet has not been walking Ares. She knows she should be waking up at 6:00 AM, but that seems ludicrous to her as it is her summer vacation. For all of our sakes, though, she needs to walk that demon of destruction, or else, I fear for our safety.

Therefore, my friends, I have devised a plan.

Help me help my human pet by submitting ideas for things my human pet has to find on her walks with Ares. She will take photos once she has found the item, and then, she will post the pictures on here to prove she actually walked the dog. If for some reason the human pet cannot locate your suggested item, she will make a one-dollar donation to Laney in support of Mutt Strut 2010.

Suggestions will be taken in the order in which they are received, and only one item will be sought for per day. Feel free to submit as many ideas as you wish as the human pet has a lot of walking to do. Proof will come within 24 hours in the form of a quick post.

So let's get to walking and donating! Remember: You have until August 10 to help Laney reach her goal of becoming the Mutt Strut 2010 Poster Pooch!

Super-Pup Needs Your Help!

Found yourself saying lately, "Man, I wish I could sponsor a really good-looking dog for some contest as this five-dollar bill is burning a hole in my pocket"?

I know I had! Thank goodness for Laney!

My good friend, Laney, is attempting to win the Mutt Strut 2010 Poster Pooch Contest hosted by the Humane Society of Indianapolis, but she needs your help! If you do not know Laney, she is the owner of SciFiChick, and she is a terrific representative of what happens when dogs who need homes find humans who will cherish them forever. Check out Laney's Flickr photostream here, and feel free to download the logo above to spread the word!

Should Laney win, she will be featured on MuttStrut posters, brochures, and t-shirts, appear on the April 2010 cover of Pampered Pet Magazine, appear on the cover and April photo of the MuttStrut calendar, glamorize special appearances for MuttStrut 2010, and of course, receive a token gift basket.

Why have a Clark Kent puppy represent this Humane Society when only a Super-Pup such as Laney will do?

Show your support by voting for Laney TODAY!

Remembering the King of Pop

Zeus' ten ways to stay cool indoors

1. Make sure you use your ceiling fans.

2. Install white blinds or shades in your windows, and by all means, keep them closed!

3. Use the microwave oven instead of your oven or stove.

4. Plug your home electronics such as TVs and DVD players into central power strips and turn those off when not in use.

5. Air-dry your dishes instead of using your dishwasher's drying cycle.

6. Turn off your computer when you're not using it.

7. For that matter, turn off the lights as much as possible and use natural light.

8. Do the laundry at nighttime.

9. Shave your head (or fur)!

10. Enjoy some frozen grapes, ice cream, or plain ol' ice.

The real reason Zeus doesn't go outside...

Cuddles

Scalding shite

Dear human pet,

I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not sleeping in the garage anymore. In case you have noticed, let me tell you why: It's freakin' hot in there! It's well over 110 degrees, complete with swallowing, swaggering, and sweltering.

I know you know how hot it is because you have yet to step foot in the garage during the daytime hours. You would rather stay up all night long to complete your laundry than to do it in the middle of the day. I find that utterly ironic considering your clothes come before my needs.

My bathroom needs, that is.

How is it that you expect me to take a decent trip to the litterbox in 110 degree heat? Yesterday, I nearly burned my back paws off pissing into the searing sand, but thank goodness it oxidized before it hit the litter! And let's not forget that all of those noxious fumes from my business just add to the overall blazing broiler that has become the garage. Did you just gag? I hope you did.

Human pet, you will move the litterbox into the house this instant! I will chafe no longer while using my not-so-porcelain throne! I will tolerate the torridity no longer!

Ares' Journal: Max

Dognapping

This is where I would love to tell you that I have this fabulous reason as to why I have not posted anything since last Wednesday. This is also where I fail miserably should I try as I have no good reason for my laziness other than a lack of inspiration. Call it my June hump.

I did hear something rather interesting, however, over the weekend, and I am curious as to whether or not other beings have heard this as well. At a small get-together on Saturday evening, I was listening to one of the human pet's friends (who we shall call Shannon) discuss how she had seen "our puppy", Ares, on local flyers around her town.

Needless to say, Shannon meant our breed of puppy, not Ares, as he was lolly-gagging on the deck the entire time. According to Shannon, people were on the lookout for purebred puppies in local neighborhoods. Once they found these poor puppies, they were stealing them and placing them online at various websites (such as Craigslist) to be sold.

When someone asked why people would do that, Shannon replied, "To make money in this economy. Some of those dogs are worth a fortune."

Has it really come to this? Selling dogs on "the black pet market"? The human pet conducted a search on Google to see if it were possibly true, and sure enough, there seems to be some information indicating that purepred puppynapping is on the rise. Because the pet enjoys being helpful, she found this informative article that includes tips on how to be safer in your daily routine with your puppy and asked me to pass it along.

Has any of this been happening in your hometown? We're all very curious over in this part of the country. Ares, the one exception, is blissfully unaware as, being a good brother, I have placed him on a need-to-know-basis, and right now, he does not need to know.

Imprisoned

The language of reddicus necksimus

Last night during a game of Tonk, I was introduced to many colorful sayings of the southern homo sapien variety. I believe I could update my research on reddicus necksimus as a result of this terrific evening of behavioral analysis. Let me share my findings with you now if I may:

He was humped over like a burnt boot.

That was as low as whale poo.

I'm outta town, Charlie Brown.

That's as easy as Minute Rice.

In a coon's age

Like water off a duck's back

Needless to say, I will be encouraging the human pet to play cards more often so I can gather more information. It's a win-win situation, don't you think? By the end of summer, just imagine how much research I shall have completed!

School's out for summer!

Rock out, Alice Cooper!

It's the final day of the school year for the human pet! She can pack up all of her things and now remain home with us. Yes, she will be tutoring, but somehow, working on her time off doesn't feel like work at all for her. Perhaps finally we can get some quality time around here!

Of course, she's already planned to do yoga, several poker games a week, and clean out all of the closets around the house. Let's not forget she also ordered all of the True Blood novels to read while lounging poolside. I'm beginning to think she doesn't know the meaning of the word vacation.

Quick limerick

I never knew how fun it could be

to bat around a toy mousie!

But then Blackie spoilt my game,

and imagine my shame

when he played better than me!

It's a hockey night in Pittsburgh!

Last night, the Pittsburgh Penguins ran off with Game 3 in the Stanley Cup Finals. The Detroit Red Wings were beaten and bruised by the time they skated off of the ice. While most teams do not come back from losing the first two games in the series, I suspect that's about to change!

I have to admit that my human pet has converted me into a hockey fan. There's nothing more amusing than watching homo sapiens on ice, throwing their bodies into one another, breaking sticks, and slapping some poor excuse for a pet toy back and forth between themselves.

Game 4 is tomorrow at 8:00 pm EST on channel Versus. Rest assured, I will be watching!

Dig a hole

Thank you, Jeff, for passing along this great example of how I am going to make my human pet regret bringing Ares into this house. Consider my protest against being mounted in full effect. Let loose the dogs...err...cats of war!

Resilient puppy

Ares is doing very well. Even though he had been afflicted with cherry eye, it didn't stop him from doing the following over the weekend:

• Chewing through a speaker cord
• Playing hide-and-seek with the human pet's shoes
• Attempting to mount me
• Humping the human pet's arm
• Investigating the bathroom trash
• Dragging paper towels throughout the house
• Breaking into the kitchen trash
• Stealing our food when the human pet wasn't looking
• Barking for no reason
• Ankle-butting the human pet
• Bringing a grasshopper into the house
• Getting whooped by Isis in the hallway

Overall, I'd say those are all good signs, all things considered.