Dear feline and canine friends,
In an attempt to further my understanding of the homo sapien species, I have been conducting thorough research into the many sub-categories of the human race. One such sub-category is the rather peculiar specimen labeled reddicus necksimus. I came upon this creature while watching television as I had heard many references to this reddicus necksimus from a professor named Dr. Jeff Foxworthy, but I was not completely certain what defined the actual subspecies.
I decided to take it upon myself to uncover the truth for all of us furry ones because, as I'm sure you're aware, knowledge is power.
I held several interviews with homo sapiens who frequented The House. I asked them where I could locate this strange creature, and they all directed me to the same place: The local IHop. This led me to conclude that reddicus necksimus must have evolved as a bizarre off-shoot of both rabbit and homo sapien offspring - perhaps even, a hopping human hybrid.
But I digress...
The humans I interviewed indicated that in order to get the best observational data for my research, I should visit the local IHop between the hours of eleven o'clock pm and eight o'clock am. This proved to be a fascinating piece of information as I realized quite suddenly that reddicus necksimus must therefore be nocturnal. I pondered if they would have similar features to other nocturnal creatures such as larger ears, bigger eyes, and a stronger sense of smell.
Such would not be the case.
I managed to convince my human pet to take me to IHop between the appropriate hours and with my laptop before me, we set off for this safari. Upon arriving, I asked the hostess where the best observational area was for reddicus necksimus, and she informed me that for the best viewing pleasure, I would have to go to the smoking section. I told her this was perfect, and my human pet and I were promptly seated at a luxurious booth.
It didn't take long for the elusive reddicus necksimus to appear. He didn't look at all like a hybrid between a rabbit and a homo sapien. On top of his head, he had a black hat with a patch that read "American by Birth, Southern by the Grace of God". I pondered this strange reference and found the logic to be problematic. He seemed to have ritual scarrings across both arms, and I came to find out later that the homo sapiens called these "tattoos". He picked at his rear often, almost in a searching manner as if he had lost something, but all he ever managed to do was seemingly rearrange his shorts.
Reddicus necksimus proved to have strange linguistical patterns. When three young girls walked into the smoking section, he turned around, greeted them, and then proceeded to tell them how "purdy" they were. This "purdy" was said almost hungrily as if these ladies were to be his next meal. I had no idea the reddicus necksimus might possibly be cannibalistic! How fascinating! I would later realize that this was some form of a mating ritual, and my human pet said she would inform me later when we got back to The House.
When one of the girls complained about having to use the restroom, reddicus necksimus proved to be helpful as he was apparently concerned about the well-being of these young females. "I done gone pee three times already since I been 'ere. There ain't nothin' wrong with this 'ere bathroom. You jus' go in, pee, do your business, an' that's it!" The young girls, however, did not listen to the strong advice of reddicus necksimus which led me to conclude that he was not a knowledgable source concerning the homo sapien litter box.
In listening to reddicus necksimus' commentary, I was able to discern one of its favorite pastimes: an activity known as bowlin'. According to reddicus necksimus, bowlin' cannot be done without consumption of beer. The two go hand-in-hand. It was my understanding that the more beer consumed, the better reddicus necksimus was able to perform at bowlin'. However, I will need to conduct more research into this to prove whether or not this hypothesis is true.
Truly, reddicus necksimus was a rare breed of bravado and stale grain products. I am so grateful for having the opportunity to observe him in his natural habitat, and I hope I can continue my research into this fascinating creature.