Monday, August 07, 2006

Safari hunt for reddicus necksimus

Dear feline and canine friends,

In an attempt to further my understanding of the homo sapien species, I have been conducting thorough research into the many sub-categories of the human race. One such sub-category is the rather peculiar specimen labeled reddicus necksimus. I came upon this creature while watching television as I had heard many references to this reddicus necksimus from a professor named Dr. Jeff Foxworthy, but I was not completely certain what defined the actual subspecies.

I decided to take it upon myself to uncover the truth for all of us furry ones because, as I'm sure you're aware, knowledge is power.

I held several interviews with homo sapiens who frequented The House. I asked them where I could locate this strange creature, and they all directed me to the same place: The local IHop. This led me to conclude that reddicus necksimus must have evolved as a bizarre off-shoot of both rabbit and homo sapien offspring - perhaps even, a hopping human hybrid.

But I digress...
The humans I interviewed indicated that in order to get the best observational data for my research, I should visit the local IHop between the hours of eleven o'clock pm and eight o'clock am. This proved to be a fascinating piece of information as I realized quite suddenly that reddicus necksimus must therefore be nocturnal. I pondered if they would have similar features to other nocturnal creatures such as larger ears, bigger eyes, and a stronger sense of smell.

Such would not be the case.

I managed to convince my human pet to take me to IHop between the appropriate hours and with my laptop before me, we set off for this safari. Upon arriving, I asked the hostess where the best observational area was for reddicus necksimus, and she informed me that for the best viewing pleasure, I would have to go to the smoking section. I told her this was perfect, and my human pet and I were promptly seated at a luxurious booth.

It didn't take long for the elusive reddicus necksimus to appear. He didn't look at all like a hybrid between a rabbit and a homo sapien. On top of his head, he had a black hat with a patch that read "American by Birth, Southern by the Grace of God". I pondered this strange reference and found the logic to be problematic. He seemed to have ritual scarrings across both arms, and I came to find out later that the homo sapiens called these "tattoos". He picked at his rear often, almost in a searching manner as if he had lost something, but all he ever managed to do was seemingly rearrange his shorts.

Reddicus necksimus proved to have strange linguistical patterns. When three young girls walked into the smoking section, he turned around, greeted them, and then proceeded to tell them how "purdy" they were. This "purdy" was said almost hungrily as if these ladies were to be his next meal. I had no idea the reddicus necksimus might possibly be cannibalistic! How fascinating! I would later realize that this was some form of a mating ritual, and my human pet said she would inform me later when we got back to The House.

When one of the girls complained about having to use the restroom, reddicus necksimus proved to be helpful as he was apparently concerned about the well-being of these young females. "I done gone pee three times already since I been 'ere. There ain't nothin' wrong with this 'ere bathroom. You jus' go in, pee, do your business, an' that's it!" The young girls, however, did not listen to the strong advice of reddicus necksimus which led me to conclude that he was not a knowledgable source concerning the homo sapien litter box.

In listening to reddicus necksimus' commentary, I was able to discern one of its favorite pastimes: an activity known as bowlin'. According to reddicus necksimus, bowlin' cannot be done without consumption of beer. The two go hand-in-hand. It was my understanding that the more beer consumed, the better reddicus necksimus was able to perform at bowlin'. However, I will need to conduct more research into this to prove whether or not this hypothesis is true.

Truly, reddicus necksimus was a rare breed of bravado and stale grain products. I am so grateful for having the opportunity to observe him in his natural habitat, and I hope I can continue my research into this fascinating creature.

26 comments:

Carmen said...

Oh Zeus, if you'd like to observe more of these creatures, you could come to one of my family reunions. Seriously, I don't know how my DNA is the same as theirs. They like to go "huntin" (i KNOW, it's terrible) and then they dress the deer outside of the kitchen window for all of us to see as we're trying to enjoy my grandmom's cooking (which is usually something fried, by the way.)

The Meezers said...

Zeus, Mommy says that we has those people up here in the norf too. 'cept that they don't go bowlin' too much - they go fishin'.

Mama Duck said...

ROTFL!!!!

Kukka-Maria said...

Gee, Zeus! I'm surprised you headed to the IHOP. I've always heard that NASCAR events are riddled with Reddicus Necksimus!

At least that is what I've heard.

Tigersan said...

Me wondering if anyone was listening to their Ipod at Ihop ;)

Me have heard about this "Dr. Jeff Foxworthy" and he sounds like he knows what he is talking about... a words all dogs should know: "getonaoutahere."

Gemini said...

What interesting observations. My Momma laughed.

Renee said...

Unfortunately we have a bunch of houses near mine infested with these beans. I would send you pictures, but they may attack me with their shot guns wonderin what I'm up to.
Dr Foxworthy has written quite a few books on this species. On one of them I noticed that reddicus necksimus seem to think that the pound amount written on disposable diapers is how much it holds. So now when I see a child with an overflowing diaper, I assume the parents must be reddicus necksimus.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Zeus, you've performed a vauable service for us all by daring to venture right into the territory of these creatures! Fortunately I've never noticed these things in my yard (thank heavens!) but have seen them being interviewed on television. Very strange indeed!

George

Hot(M)BC said...

Oh gosh Zeus, my Mom laughed so hard she snorted diet coke all over me. Ok, I exaggerate, just all over my head, but still... It'll take me all day to clean this nasty sticky stuff off my fur, even though Mom tried to help by washing it off. I don't think I'll let her read your blog any more since she has so little self-control (and I don't like diet coke in my fur). Me and the sisters will still read it though cuz you're very funny and you're so smart!
~~ Boni

Lisa said...

Oh my dearest Zeus, you have stumbled upon an epidemic. This form is so prominent here in the west that the IHOP closes promptley at 11pm to avoid further spread of the species! But the bowling alleys stay open 24hrs. Go Figure!

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

Excellent and very thorough report Zeus! We need to be wary of these life forms.

NOLADawn said...

Zeus... have you been down to Loooziana lately??? ;)

The Tower Hill Mob said...

An excellent thesis, Zeus. There is a northern sub-species, usually identified by a 'Yankees suck' t-shirt.
Yankees the baseball team, not the residents of the upper US.
Deep fried snack foods seem to be a common bond.

Mommy the Maid said...

Zeus, you need to visit my family in Arkansas. Tons of specimens there to observe. You can find plenty of warshin machines on the porch and the staple of diet, pinto beans and bacon. :D

Valderbar said...

Between this and the whole mattress thing, your place is so educational, I shall have to come more often to learn at your paws and claws.

Renee said...

Yes Zeus, Lilly was well dosed with flea, tick & mosquito repellant when we went. I believe that it did the trick as I have not found any parasites on her yet.

Oh, and I'm sure you would have been a much better hunter than Lilly was. She kept barking at the birds & chipmunks. I tried to explain to her that she needed to be quiet if she expected to catch one of the critters...but to deaf ears. Oh well. She wouldn't have shared if she caught any critters anyway.

Pink Chihuahua Princess said...

Zeus, since we chihuahuas are from Oklahoma, an indigineous land to the Reddicus Necsimus, we feel that we can help you in your search.

1. The mating call of Reddicus Necsimus is "heeelllllll yesssssss!"

2. They are also recognizable by the discernable speech patterns including "ya'll and all ya'll"

3. Lynyrd Skynyrd is perfect date music and plays the Reddicus Necsimus' anthems.

4. Please never forget, we chihuahuas are Southern by the grace of God.

Pink Chihuahua Princess said...

Oh...one more...

5. Date night is cow tipping (when you go at night, when the cows are asleep, and tip the cows over). (this one should not be done in the presence of PETA members).

Samantha said...

Geez Louise...Zeus, I'd love for you to spend ONE HOUR with my in-laws! They are the epitome of Reddicus Necksimus! My Brother in Law actually decided to use USED beer cans as christmas tree ornaments last year! This is no joke, us humans have serious problems when it comes to taste and fashion and whatnot...
LMAO You need to visit, I'm telling you that IT IS BAD! But, alas, they live in Kentucky (redneckville, USA) and I live in Georgia! I am so sad about this! *dripping sarcasm* Have a purrrfect night :)

Samantha said...

By the way, Dr. Foxworthy has a show on t.v. in the early morning hours, you can learn a LOT about the Reddicus Necksimus there!

PrincessMia said...

Zeus! I've seen those strange homo sapiens you describe. They are very intriguing, but I always keep my distance. I never know what they are going to do!

Happy0303 said...

Sorry, no reddicus necksimus in this family. Although, I do love IHOP and my Mom does belong to a bowling league.

Congrats on the Blog of the Day award! Where's your cool button?

the letter b said...

there are loads of reddicus necksimus on this islet too. and their numbers are getting larger by the day that we are almost overwhelmed. called Ah Bengs and Ah Lians [typical chinese dialect names] they seemed to be ridiculously proud of their caveman behaviour/mentality and taking utter pleasure in murdering the English language. the odd bit is English is the language used at schools from the age of 6 to university - they are graduates! yikes!!

Grr, Midnight & Cocoa said...

you can find those creatures out here too. check out the LA County Fair - they're effurrywhere. also, if you goes to an area we call the "909" (based on phone area code) you can spot 'em by looking for the old broken cars parked on the front yard

Bob-kat said...

You are very observant Zeus. We have such creatures here in the UK too except our species is called "The Chav'. They have a whole sub-culture which seems to be based around football, lager and cheap fashion labels. They have their own way of dressing involving a lot of 'bling' so that they can identify each other easily when at the local 'Yates' bar or McDonalds!

Victor Tabbycat said...

You're so brave, Zeus, to observe this species in their nateral habitat. I've herd they like shot guns an broken down cars an 4-wheel monsters called pick up trucks (sum haf REEALY big monster trucks wif as many wheels as 4 cats has legs). I fink here they go to Denny's instead of IHOP cuz Mom says our nearest IHOP is acrost town.