1. Alcoholic binges are not a true talent.
2. Her idea of an evening gown is a muumuu.
3. Bono is sucking up her time with public appearances concerning ISHFTCILF.
4. Unfortunately, she's still nursing her wounds from her last Ultimate Fighting Championship experience.
5. She considers her lack of entry as "giving back to the little people".
6. She thought the term "Miss Litterbox" was demeaning and demanded that the title be changed to "Miss Personal-Excrement-Receptacle".
7. As demonstrated by her stint at Wal-Mart, her interactions with the public aren't always charitable.
8. She claims to be working on the sequel to her tell-all autobiography, You Don't Have to Work Hard to Get Into My Pants: I'm Not Wearing Any!
10. She knows that pageant winners are never heard from again, and well, that just won't do for the Empress. Just look at what she said about Miss America, 2007.
11. She has self-esteem issues after finding out that she is off-the-charts-obese.
13. The Empress wanted to be a celebrity guest panalist and would not have herself reduced to a mere competitor. As she herself put it: "Why do I need to compete? I'm just better!"