In light of your hissy-fit when I came home late and your recent plot to have people apply to be your so-called pet, I decided it was time for a very special Thursday Thirteen.
Excuse me? What's that? You write the Thursday Thirteens? Not this week, Zeus.
Thirteen Reasons You're Not Going to Get a New Pet
1. I bought you: I did indeed exchange fifty dollars for you when you were nothing more than a ginger purring machine. I even have my receipt as proof of the transaction.
2. We have six years behind us: You're willing to throw away all of our history because I have to go to school? Don't you think that's being a little immature?
3. No one else is going to put up with your dramatic ways: I don't know if you realize this about yourself, but you tend to exaggerate the truth A LOT. I don't mind, but do you think other people find this appealing? Probably not.
4. Some people don't like reality television: Who is going to debate with you as to who is Top Chef: Ilan or Marcel? Who is going to encourage you to apply for Fear Factor? Who is going to say to you "You're fired!" just to hear you giggle? That's right, Zeus: I do that.
5. No one even sent you an e-mailed pet application: See? No one else wants the responsibility of you.
6. No one else is going to tolerate your constant headbutting: I think it's quite possible I have a long-standing concussion from you, but have I complained? Not once.
7. You'll have to re-mark all of the new pet's stuff: That's a lot of rubbing and scent depositing. Do you really want to go through with the hassle?
8. Not everyone serves IAMS Select Bites with Salmon in Sauce: I think that says it all.
9. You snore: Most people do not enjoy listening to a fifteen-pound, ginger tabby snore louder than their television set. I'm just giving you the facts.
10. You complain a lot: Call the Whaaaaaaa-mbulance! Zeus wants something!
11. There's not a lot of people in this world who enjoy the delightful scent of kitty flatulence: I don't think I need to explain any further.
12. You're a thief: You stole all of my Hershey kisses. If there's water left in my cup and I walk away, you drink it. My hair-ties are all gone thanks to you. I could go on, but there's not enough time in the day.
13. You're all talk and no walk: At the end of the day, you let your mouth write checks you can't cash. Isis and I know you all too well.