Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Interview with Hercules: The Rotund and Robust Food Thief

The following is a recorded transcript, complete and without edit, of my interview with the feline food burglar, Hercules. Reader discretion is advised.

Zeus: Good morning, Hercules. It's a real pleasure to be speaking with you today.

Hercules: Thank you, Zeus. I appreciate this chance to defend myself against the allegations that I am a starving, fluffy thief.

Zeus: Absolutely! Before we go any further, I wanted to address your second name, Goliath. According to the tape on MSNBC news, they renamed you. Which do you prefer now?

Hercules: It's so sad when this happens, but unfortunately, here in America, name-changing for felines is all too common. I felt as if my entire identity had been lost when they did the story. I was once named after a demi-god known for his athletic prowess and strength. They made me out to be a dumb and burly giant that was too big for his furry britches.

Zeus: I can understand how that would be depressing. Did you not try to tell the people at the Humane Society what your real name was?

Hercules: Yes, but they laughed at me. I remember one handler who said, "You've got to be kidding me! Hercules?! Maybe if you're named after Hercules from The Nutty Professor!"

Zeus: Oh no! What did you say?

Hercules: What could I say? They had made up their minds about me. There was no changing their ignorance, especially since they had taken to standing in front of my cage, clapping their hands together, chanting, "Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!"

Zeus: So, if you don't mind my asking, why did you steal food in the first place?

Hercules: The whole incident has been blown completely out of proportion. My owner, Earnest, a gentle fellow, had been in the hospital for a lung transplant, and I, an obsessive worrier, turned to the one thing that could bring me comfort in such tragic times: food. I ate to simply ease the pain I felt inside. No one could understand how my life was in turmoil during those months.

Zeus: That's horrible, Hercules!

Hercules: No, what's horrible is the fact that now these humans with their stupid marketing gimmicks think that my pain is their gain! Having me be a spokesperson for some silly low-calorie cat food or appearing in Martha Stuart Living about how to help pets lose weight. I didn't ask for this! I don't want these photo shoots or interviews!

Zeus: Umm, this is an interview, and you seemed pretty excited when I spoke to you about the idea.

Hercules: What about my pain? What about my hurt? Where's Dr. Phil? Where's Oprah? Why haven't they called me? Why doesn't anyone help me?

Zeus: I don't know that they do cat interviews, Hercules.

Hercules: Oh to hell with it then! If no one cares about my pain, then what's the use fighting it? Do you know where's there a good Chinese buffet in Houston?

Zeus: I think they're pretty much a dime a dozen.

Hercules: Good. I got kicked out of the last one I was at. It was so embarassing. The lady said to Earnest, "You take your cat now. Sign say all you can eat, not you eat all!" Needless to say, I didn't get my money's worth.

Zeus: Nice talking to you, Hercules. Enjoy your dinner.

Hercules: Dinner? This is a snack.


Karen Jo said...

Hercules is one big cat. I think it was cruel of those people to rename him Goliath and make fun of him. I'm very glad that he is back home now.

The Meezers said...

oh poor Hercules. He is really in a bad way - he should come here for some of mommy's skritches - they can make anyone feel better - Sammy

Cheysuli said...

Hmm... he sounds like my kind of cat Zeus. I love to eat.

kailani said...

Man, that cat is HUGE! And I thought Malia needed to go on a diet!

Diva Kitty's said...

Nice interview Mr. Z

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Hmmm...he does seem to have a bit of a weight issue. Maybe he can get a contract to be the next Jenny Craig spokesperson, er I mean, spokesfeline. That Kirstie Whatshername woman seems to have done pretty well on it. Alternatively, he could look into low cal cat food. Poor guy!

Kukka-Maria said...

Um, Zeus? Tell Hercules that Oprah does, in fact, interview cats. She's interviewed me several times!

I'd call and arrange for an interview, but we're not on speaking terms right now.

tiggerprr said...

That Hercules is a chunk of love! LOL

Renee said...

Poor kitty. I saw that he was in very good shape to jump up into the cage from the ground. So it must be all muscle. I'm glad his celebrity helped him find his way home.

Mert said...

AWWWW! What a sweetie! I am glad his owner was reconnected witht he poor guy! Those cheeks, i just love em.:)