Wednesday, August 30, 2006

And Aristotle said, "Law is mind without reason."

Homo sapiens, why do you make your lives so very difficult? Are you obsessed with the very notion of the word struggle? Is there something inherent in your nature that causes you to micromanage your lives to the very simplest of tasks? I ask these things because I noticed in my research that you seem compelled, fascinated, and overall consumed with the development, institution, and distribution of laws.

For example, in the great state of Kentucky well known for its rural bluegrass scenes, it's unbridled spirit, and those talented Cardinals, it is law that you must bathe at least once a year - like it or not! I must say this raises some serious questions for me. Why is it law that someone must bathe? Did the entire state, at some point or another, not take it upon themselves to become clean? Were sales that low for Bath & Body Works in the Bluegrass State? And more importantly, who is exactly responsible for monitoring that the great citizens of Kentucky are actually bathing once a year? Calgon, take me away from my old Kentucky home!

And speaking of bathing, a Virginia law requires all bath tubs to be kept outside on the yard and not inside the house. Apparently, Virginia has tackled the problem with Kentucky's original law. The citizens of The Old Dominion now regulate one another by watching who is taking a bath and who is not. Perhaps it is a community get-together in the style of the ancient Roman baths. Unfortunately, the populace has bred anarchy, and many homes have their baths inside rather than on the front yard for all to see.

For every bizarre law concerning cleanliness, there are also plenty of strange laws concerning dirtiness. In Texas, it's legal for a chicken to have sex with a human, but there shall be no reciprocating! Texas clearly considers its chickens in a higher regard than it does its human citizens to give such power to the chickens, but I don't think our fine, feathered friends are even aware of this law. If they were, I wonder how they might feel about it.

And the very nerve of Californians to outlaw sex between cats and dogs without a permit! I don't see many humans walking about obtaining permits to have their relationships with one another. Why must we felines and canines be subjected to such oppression? I am free to love who I want, when I want, and where I want! Do you think Jenna Jameson has a permit? I don't think so!

In a totally different vein, the city of Springfield, Illinois prohibits "dwarf-tossing" in its bars because, and I quote: It's dangerous and exploitative. However, similar to the cat and dog permit for lovemaking in California, you can obtain a special permit to toss your dwarf at your local church social. Perhaps Gimli recognized how illegal the act was when he whispered to Aragorn in The Two Towers: "Don't tell the elf!" and then had Aragorn toss him into the orc mob.

Homo sapiens, I live by three laws and three laws only:

  1. When I'm sleepy, I sleep.
  2. When I'm hungry, I eat.
  3. When I need to use the litter box, I use it.

Wouldn't your lives be so much easier if you only had to worry about the important things in life? Or is it that you cannot identify what those important things are and hence, you are compelled to control everything?

Try my three rules for one day and see if you are not a happier person!

29 comments:

Carmen said...

Zeus, I'm going to start living by your three laws - replacing "litter box" with toilet, but whatever. :_)

Dachsies Rule said...

Zeus, dear feline,

We live by your laws (well, not the litter box) but, alas, Mom must go to work to earn our biscuits (so we can follow law #2) therefore she does have a few other laws to live by. Once we are independently wealthy, we will get her to live by the three laws.

Roxie, Sammy & Andy

Nathalie said...

I was as suprised as you when I read those rules...weird, weird humans...

DEBRA said...

Humans are weird and Zeus, you are right they do have too many rules!

*ABBY

Mama Duck said...

Ah, the simple life. If only, dear Zeus. We'd live in a pit of baby mess, however ;).

*psst* Carnival time with the ducks, check it out!

Riquel said...

Zeus...good laws there, but unfortunatly us beans have to make the money to pay for a place to sleep and use the litte box, and food to eat...but if I ever win the lottery, I am right there with ya babe!

Kaze said...

Zeus, the Lap Lady wishes to thank you for making her work day more bright. Looks like the Tall Man could have been arrested for having a his fancy facial hair when he lived in Massachusetts.

Renee said...

Oh I wish I could live like a kitty. but beans wear clothes, live in big dens and cook their food...all of these cost money that we have to work for. And they have laws about working too.
But Lilly, Trina & Trudy will gladly follow your laws. =:3 =:3

The Meezers said...

um Zeus my friend, FANK YOU FANK YOU FANK YOU for making my mommy snort her McDonals Large Hazlenut Iced Coffe out frough her nose. That was truly awsome. Something about chicken sex and then I could understand anyfing else. Quick, write somefing more funny so that I can see the coffee come out her nose again! - Miles

Gemini said...

Momma says humans need to learn to live life one litter box at a time.

She liked that post

Cheysuli said...

When I am president, Zeus, believe me, your rules will be at the heart of all rules

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

I was not aware of this Texas chicken law. Fortunately, I do not think I will have to alter my day-to-day routine to conform to the law.

=^..^= said...

Wha... what?!!! Bathe once a year, you say? My beans behave as though it is illegal to bathe less than once a day!

~Bombay

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Zeus, you always find the most interesting things to show us. We completely agree with your 3 things though. Everything else is unimportant!

Cecilia said...

Those are the bestest rules ever!

caspersmom said...

Hey Zeus, I think your three laws should do it. Eat, sleep and be merry. Oh, and use the box when you have to. Gosh, humans do seem to be seeped in laws and whatever. Just give me my nap time and I'm happy.

Casper

Skeeeeezix the Cat said...

Zeus, yoo are very very smart. Did yoo go to many many yeers of collij?

I liked what yoo rote, but can yoo explane whut yoo meen by having sex with chikkins? I don't know what that is. Or is it just a typo and yoo ment "having six chikkins"?

William said...

Um...how does that any of that chicken thing work? Oh, never mind. I am way too young to know.

Derby said...

Beans have such silly rules. I like your rules better, they fit us kitties just fine.

Jake and Bathsheba said...

Zeus, you are a wise kitty, and we're glad to make your acquaintance. Thanks for visiting us on our new blog.

~J&B

Jake and Bathsheba said...

Oh, and we forgot to mention the Virginia bathtub law! Mom didn't know anything about that. She and Dad must be outlaws since we live in Virginia and our bathtub is inside.

~J&B

The Wandering Author said...

Zeus; Tristan Brighteyes and Stargazer LittleGirl think I should definitely take your advice. Stargazer LittleGirl has already been visiting my lap for computer lessons. Now I see what she has in mind; somehow she heard of you and your blog, and she wants to learn enough to know what to do when she sneaks onto my computer when I'm not around.

You might enjoy my post about the adverntures of Miss Chef (aka Stargazer).

Rosie & Cheeto said...

Haaal-leeee-U-laaa Zeus. We cudn't have rote it bettur areselves. We are soooo much smartur than homosapiens. Yer kinda like that smart guy "anon" who rites all thowse quotes. Hes vary vary brite, just like yoo!

Grr, Midnight & Cocoa said...

we live in Cally-4-knee-a an we didn't know 'bout the whole permit think, so we followed yur linky. turns out, it's only in Ventura County an we're in Lost Angie-less County so it doesn't apply here. thank goodness.

Bob-kat said...

Great post Zeus! I don't understand it either adn it is confusing for us humans to remember all these laws. We also ahev some daft ones in the UK. For example, all hackney carriages (taxis) must keep a bale of hay in the boot (trunk) for the horse! English men are required to practice their swordsmanship on a Sunday despite other laws telling us we can't carry swords or knives anymore! It's very confusing. Your way seems much simpler :-)

Eric and Flynn said...

We fink yer 3 rules are the best. We don't know bout that chicken fing, but we do know they's got loads of fev-vers.

Blage said...

Simplify! The dwarf tossing law is hilarious. Loved this post.

Rascal said...

Zeus, once again you prove beyond a doubt that Cats are the superior species. We don't have as many rules because we don't need as many rules.

Kukka-Maria said...

I see your laws, but am I missing the one about you buying me gifts and loving me passionately until the very last breath you take?

Hmmmm...I guess I thought you were a better Tomcat Stable member than that!

[Hurt, Kukka rushes away, face in paws.]