All I ever wanted was to be a human wizard

Over the years, lots of people have visited this blog and wondered whether or not I realize that felines are not supposed to be typing posts. In the past, I have normally been very understanding when I have received such comments and emails. One email, however, has made me ponder more deeply my authorship of this blog.

Dear Zeus or human pet or whoever writes the blog,

Leave roleplaying to those freaks who play WoW, Everquest, or D&D. Roleplaying a cat? Seriously. Get a life.

Anonymous

Roleplaying? Is that what I have been doing all this time? I decided it was time to explore this concept a bit more throughly so I could better understand Mr. Anonymous' argument. After all, it's always best to contemplate someone's position prior to defending against it.

So I did what any self-respecting blogging hoohahless tomcat would do.

I decided I would visit The Houston Live Action Role-Play (LARP) Group.

Upon reading, I learned I needed to design a character, complete with race, class, and skills. Having watched human behavior for some time, it seemed like a natural conclusion to create a human wizard. (I had considered being a human warrior, but as I lack opposable thumbs, it seemed highly unlikely that I would be very successful in slaying any dragons with a sword.) As for my skills, I decided my intellect would definitely be my best attribute. Did I really need more details aside from those? It was roleplay, after all.

Having my general idea for a character established, I assumed the human pet would not mind spending some money in the pursuit of research. I snuck off with her Visa and entered the code into the online pay system. Within two or three days, I was welcomed with a packet containing information as to the next camp-out in the woods and a full one-hundred page manual on the rules and regulations of the roleplaying.

Such rules included...

Every participant is required to make a costume and to remain in character at all times.

Every spell must be properly spoken and then hit its target (i.e., a small, sand-filled pouch must land on your target). If you mispronounce the spell or miss your target, your magic will fail.

Every combatant keeps track of his hit points in his head. Every spell and hit taken adds up, and when the combatant is at zero hit points, he falls to the ground.

A costume? Sand-filled pouches? Hit points? I apparently had more work ahead of me than I had originally anticipated. I feared my dialect of English, southern meowics, would hold me back from being understood with my so-called "spell casting". I debated whether or not people would be honest in "counting up their hit points" and "dying". Were there any referees to this roleplay? I most certainly thought there might be a need for one or two.

As the camp-out was only a few days away, I designed my costume and prepared my magical sand bags. Granted, I suffered a few questions from the human pet such as "Are you serious?" and "Maybe you should let that email go?" Needless to say, they weren't very good questions so I didn't bother responding.

The day arrived for my adventure, literally. The human pet escorted me to the camp site where I was met by all sorts of interesting "lords and ladies". Looking up at the human pet, I said, "Stay close. These people look weird."

"They look weird?" She rolled her eyes and let out a deep sigh.

A strange looking man, bejeweled and bedazzled in his wonderous knightly apparel, came towards us and bowed deeply. "I welcome you, madam, to this holy wood. You and your familiar shall find us to be most accomodating."

"Oh, I'm not with him," the human pet snickered. She took several steps back. "He's the one roleplaying. Not me."

The bizarre man looked down at me with a curious gaze. "Truly? I do not believe we have ever met a talking cat. Are you perhaps bewitched by some spell? A prince hidden underneath the fur of this wretched beast before my eyes?"

"No. I'm a human wizard," I responded quite plainly. I decided it was best to ignore the reference to being bewitched or wretched.

"A human...wizard?" I believed at that point that I had caused some sort of brain freeze in the poor guy. He looked to the human pet who only managed to shrug and raise her hands up as if to say, "Don't look at me". He looked back to me, and I stared him in the eyes to let him know I was completely serious.

Exasperated, the man said, "Ok, no really, what the hell is going on here?"

I replied, "Um, excuse me, dear lord, but is that truly how the fine people of this wood speak? I do believe that is a breach of section I, subsection A, paragraph XII in which it clearly states that residents of the wood shall remain in character at all times. You, fine sir, are breaking my roleplay."

The man blinked several times and stood speechless before me. Apparently, he had not counted on the fact that I had read the manual. It always pays to be prepared.

"Look, lady, you can take your cat and get out of here. I don't know what you're up to, but we're not going along with this." The man had folded his arms and had assumed some sort of defensive stance. Honestly, he looked nothing short of ridiculous in his outfit as he attempted to appear tough.

"I paid forty dollars for him to come and do this stunt, and I swear, that's what's happening." The human pet appeared like a enraged bull as her eyes blazed with heat. I could tell that this was not going to end on a high note.

"Pet. Strange man. Listen. If you do not want me to come and show you all how humans behave, that is fine. Simply refund my pet her forty dollars, and we'll be on our way," I said.

"Can I write you a check? All I have on me are NERO coins," the man replied.

I blinked. "What do you take me for? A village idiot? Go get my forty dollars!"

Needless to say, I never got to really roleplay as I had hoped. I suppose for now, I shall just have to live vicariously through my human pet and hope that someday, somewhere, I can pretend to be a human wizard in the land of Kiss-Myanthia, sweeping a fair maiden off of her slippered feet while battling crazy humans dressed up as goblins and evil elves. Wouldn't that just be a sight to see?