I was becoming anxious, angry, dare I say, absurdly aggresive.
I had read about my friend, TC, watching Twilight, and I thought to myself, "How could I go wrong with the greatest modern-day love story ever written in this new millenium?" This drama promised to be a true, well-blended cocktail of steamy teen romance served up piping hawt.
Girl meets boy. Boy has a secret. Girl figures out secret.
Did I mention said girl did all of the figuring out of said boy's secret via Google?
What happened to just pure human instinct? The powers of observation? Deductive logic?
I think I fell asleep the third time she Googled what a faux-hawk was as she was so entranced with Edward's infatuation with hair gel.
Really, Bella Swandive. Was it that hard to figure out just by using some good ol' fashioned detective work? In human high schools, everyone is on to everyone else. Gossip abounds. Kids are cruel. Having looked through the human pet's yearbooks, I found several people who would qualify for the Cullens' "secret".
Anyway, back to our story. Girl figures out secret. Boy has the only acceptable STD to human females: Vampirism. Girl hooks up with boy.
I don't want to ruin it for you, but I'm sure you see where this is headed.
I do want to thank the writers of the script for being kind and not having we, the audience, endure Bella's constant teenage boyitis diatribe from the book: Is he thinking about me? I'm always thinking of him. Where has he been? I miss him so much. Oh God, I think I'm dying when he's not around. He's the love of my life. I'll never love anyone the way I love him.
Hwheh. Hwheh. Excuse me. I'm sorry. I think I puked a little in my mouth.
If they were both cats, they'd have mated five times over by now.
I ultimately think the funniest part of the movie was when Edward says, "Isn't an entire lifetime with me enough?" to which one of the human pet's friends commented, "When you're still lookin' 18, and she's 80 with sagging boobs, stretch marks, and flab out the ass, we'll see what you say then, Ed."
Yes, Ed. Show us some true love. Kiss the grandma. We want tongue.