Thursday, March 26, 2009

I don't know how I feel about this

I needed a distraction from this puppy.

I was becoming anxious, angry, dare I say, absurdly aggresive.

I had read about my friend, TC, watching Twilight, and I thought to myself, "How could I go wrong with the greatest modern-day love story ever written in this new millenium?" This drama promised to be a true, well-blended cocktail of steamy teen romance served up piping hawt.

Girl meets boy. Boy has a secret. Girl figures out secret.

Did I mention said girl did all of the figuring out of said boy's secret via Google?

What happened to just pure human instinct? The powers of observation? Deductive logic?

I think I fell asleep the third time she Googled what a faux-hawk was as she was so entranced with Edward's infatuation with hair gel.

Really, Bella Swandive. Was it that hard to figure out just by using some good ol' fashioned detective work? In human high schools, everyone is on to everyone else. Gossip abounds. Kids are cruel. Having looked through the human pet's yearbooks, I found several people who would qualify for the Cullens' "secret".

Anyway, back to our story. Girl figures out secret. Boy has the only acceptable STD to human females: Vampirism. Girl hooks up with boy.

I don't want to ruin it for you, but I'm sure you see where this is headed.

I do want to thank the writers of the script for being kind and not having we, the audience, endure Bella's constant teenage boyitis diatribe from the book: Is he thinking about me? I'm always thinking of him. Where has he been? I miss him so much. Oh God, I think I'm dying when he's not around. He's the love of my life. I'll never love anyone the way I love him.

Hwheh. Hwheh. Excuse me. I'm sorry. I think I puked a little in my mouth.

If they were both cats, they'd have mated five times over by now.

I ultimately think the funniest part of the movie was when Edward says, "Isn't an entire lifetime with me enough?" to which one of the human pet's friends commented, "When you're still lookin' 18, and she's 80 with sagging boobs, stretch marks, and flab out the ass, we'll see what you say then, Ed."

Yes, Ed. Show us some true love. Kiss the grandma. We want tongue.


14 comments:

Angel said...

Sounds like you found a good distraction.

The Meezers said...

that's prolly not something we'd want to see, but right now our mommy has a pierce brosnan fixation or a colin firth fixation or she thinks she's meryl streep or something but we have had about enough of mama mia. ok, well, Billy hasn't - he gets all happy when he hears dancing queen and starts running all over the house.

Zeus said...

Angel: It was ok. Just ok.

Meezers: I've never seen Mama Mia. Is it worth seeing once?

Shaggy, Scooby and Scout said...

Ha ha! Saggy boobs! You are sooo right. 18 don't last forever. Mom read the book and was really turned off by the teenage angst, but then that's who it was written for.
"If they were cats they'd have mated five times by now" LOVE IT!

Zeus said...

Shaggy: I read all four books but it was even harder getting through book 2. That was way too whiney for me.

Max said...

Hahahahahaha! The Woman actually read ALL those books, and she's pretty sure that's why she has an ongoing case of TeH Dumb right now. We won't let her watch the movie, because her brain would just shrivel up and die. Secretly, though, she liked reading 'em...

The Creek Cats said...

Thank you so much for stopping in and offering your thoughts and prayers. It really means a lot to us!

Zeus said...

Max: We all enjoyed reading the books here as well. It's one of the main reasons we put off seeing the movie for so long. We just weren't sure if we could take seeing another poor adaptation. This movie, though, had some great moments and then some laughable ones. Overall, it was an ok job.

Creek Cats: Anytime. :)

The Meezers said...

Zeus: If you like happy dancy music it's really worth seeing once. Just put aside reason and the movie will be really fun!

Eric and Flynn said...

Hahaha!
'If they were both cats, they'd have mated five times over by now'.
We can only dream about it.

DEBRA said...

momma had a fascination wif frank langella when he did dracula -- we think momma is weird!

purrs
abby

Zeus said...

Meezers: We'll see. I personally don't think it's going to happen unless the human pet watches the movie by herself. She gets into those "human female moods" sometimes.

Abby: There's something really attractive about those vampires to human females. I think it must be some heavy duty pheremones!

TC said...

Oh Zeus.

I laughed so hard reading this. But I read the book(s) and didn't watch the movie. She got a little more help from "intuition" and "rumors" in the book about how Edward was a vampire :) It's not ALL google.

Having looked through the human pet's yearbooks, I found several people who would qualify for the Cullens' "secret".

ROFL

Me too, now that I think about it!

And I loved the STD line. Hilarious!

I'm glad it was distracting. I agree that IN THEORY, it sounds horrible. And I think the movie might be. The books? Sucked me in. I can't explain it, it makes no sense, but it did!!

Fin said...

Mommy read them all too - something about being a writer too and wanting to know how to cash in - I suspect she just likes to relive being a teenager.