Pictures in Review for 2006

2006 held some memorable moments for both my sister and I. The following ten photos are in no particular order. Please feel free to leave comments as to your favorites, or if you feel ambitious, tell me how you think they should be ordered!

1. Too cute to bathe myself

2. Chin thwap

3. Tolerance

4. All tangled up

5. Roundhouse kick to the face

6. Cover girl of Crazy Monthly

7. Postcards from around the world

8. Show me how the sumos eat.

9. You can't stop me.

10. Cranked on nip

Why not let your opinion be heard as well before you go? Take a moment to vote in our Reader Survey found in the sidebar! Results will be posted next week.

Thursday Thirteen, Edition 20

Thirteen Horrible, Terrible, and Absolutely Unnecessary Christmas Gifts

1. A one-year membership to e-Harmony given to you by your aunt

2. A one-year membership to Weight Watchers given to you by your mother-in-law

3. A racquetball racquet when you don't even play the sport

4. An American Express gift card: You get to pay for your own gift the first time you use it. Your $6.00: Don't leave home without it.

5. Dr. Scholl's Odor-eaters: Is there some sort of hidden message there?

6. The infamous toaster

7. His and her's matching bowling balls with coordinating bags

8. The Razorba back shaver

9. The Chia Pet and all new, Chia Alarm Clock

10. A homemade rubberband ball

11. Oops! Disposable Panties for that person on your list with incontinence

12. Spice World on DVD

13. Black Suede Soap-On-A-Rope

Write or Wrong Wednesday, Part 2

This is part two of a four-week series concerning writers who have found themselves to be challenged concerning their work but who have overcome such criticism to become acclaimed successes. If you missed part one, you can read it by clicking here.

In recent times, Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, also known as Lewis Carroll, has received renewed interest in his life thanks to a provocative novel entitled In the Shadow of the Dreamchild by Karoline Leach. For the greater part of the twentieth century, many literary critics, psychologists, and historians believed Dodgson to have an unhealthy fascination with young girls as demonstrated by both his photography and his writings. Leach, however, dismissed this in her 1999 novel, stating that such theories concerning Dodgson are based on the morals and norms of the present and not those of the Victorian era in which the author had lived.

Dodgson's most famous writings were Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and its sequel, Through the Looking Glass. Most biographers and psychologists founded their theories concerning Dodgson thanks in part to both of these novels. Using Dodgson's profound talent for word play and symbolism against him, Sigmund Freud stated that the writings were in reference to the female journey through puberty. There are many critics, though, who would not agree with such analysis.

Those of us who live in the present will never know the full truth for the one we call Carroll. Did he use psychoactive drugs? Did he ever really consider the priesthood? Why did he suddenly stop speaking to the Liddell family shortly after the release of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland? Dodgson's genius, though, should be considered simply that: artistic and masterful. The mystery behind his craft is best left to history.

For more information on Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, please visit the following:

The Lewis Carroll Society of North America

Contrariwise: The association for new Lewis Carroll studies

Lewis Carroll's Logic Game

Seasons greetings

Here's some Christmas cheer:

Dear Zeus and Isis,

I know that you might think I am a mean person, but I am flying out of town today to spend the holiday with my family. Do not think I love either of you less simply because I am not here. I will be thinking of you the entire time I am gone, especially when my family and I eat The Feast of The Seven Fishes. I will return soon, but remember: I have my eye on you even though I am gone!

Love you both,
Marina

Thursday Thirteen, Edition 19

Thirteen Presents I Want For Christmas

1. The ultimate cat jungle gym

2. The Claw Pals cat tree

3. The Red Cat Cookbook

4. The entire Black Panther comic collection

5. Thundercats: Season One DVD

6. Bowling Alley Cat Hand-Painted Cell from Tom and Jerry

7. Cheshire Cat Figurine

8. Cesar's Way: The Natural, Everyday Guide to Understanding and Correcting Common Dog Problems

9. Powder The White Cat Celebrity Pawparazzi Set

10. Petego Sport Wagon Bike Trailer

11. Rhinestone Cat Collar

12. Ceramic Handpainted Food Bowl

13. A new sofa

Write or Wrong Wednesday, Part 1

In light of the recent comments floating throughout the blogosphere pertaining to pet blogging, the creation of this mini-series occured. For the next four weeks on Wednesday, The Zeus Excuse will be presenting a brief, informative article on an author from the past who has withstood harsh literary criticism but has gained tremendous fame and respect. Consider this a reminder that good writing can happen concerning any subject, in any form, and at any time.

John Ronald Reuel Tolkien (J.R.R. Tolkien, if you prefer!) has been the source of much literary criticism throughout the years. Such condemnation has seemed to be oblivious to the millions of readers Tolkien has touched with his writings. His most prolific writing was The Lord of the Rings, but to those who would think of it as a trilogy, refrain from such heresy!

Coming off of the success of The Hobbit in 1937, Tolkien was asked to repeat the process with similar stories. In response, he had produced The Silmarillion, a five-part mixture of poetry and prose relating the stories of Middle Earth prior to The Hobbit. Unfortunately, when this work was shown to his publishers, George Allen and Unwin, it was turned down because the novel was viewed as not commercially viable.

Tolkien had been crushed by the news concerning The Silmarillion; however, he agreed to try again to craft a sequel to The Hobbit. As he wrote, Tolkien held great concern for The Lord of the Rings. He often penned a letter to his publishers that displayed his personal critique for his writing and his internal debate as to whether or not his style would be accepted (which included invented names, invented languages, and invented writing systems). He continued nonetheless, keeping in constant contact with Allen and Unwin.

The first edition of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring had 3,000 copies released in July, 1954 in Britain. Houghton Mifflin in the United States had purchased the rights to print the American copy, and several months after the initial release in Britain, published 1,500 copies. When the second installment, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, was published in 1954, there had been 3,250 copies printed for Britain and only 1,000 in America. By the time The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King was prepared for print in 1955, more than 7,000 copies were prepared by Allen and Unwin while in America, 5,000 copies were bound.

Amazingly, the novels were met by equal love and disgust. On one hand, they developed a huge cult following where, on occasion, people would secretly clamber into the subways and spraypaint "Frodo Lives!" along the dilapidated brick. The phone calls and letters Tolkien received were numerous and overwhelming, so much so that he and his wife were forced to remove their phone number from public listings and move. On the other side of the proverbial coin, critics deemed his work to be too eclectic and hard to follow. Others felt that his books were encouraging people to deny progress and to fantasize about a world long gone. Regardless of how one feels about Tolkien's work, it is undeniable the influence he has had on our imaginations, our spirit, and our culture.

For more information concerning J.R.R. Tolkien, please visit:

J.R.R. Tolkien: A Biographical Sketch

Tolkien.co.uk

A listing of books and pamphlets concerning Tolkien

Prank of a lifetime

Some of you readers might know that I can be a bit of a prankster when I want to be. Who can forget the time when I lured Blackie into the bathroom so he could give the human pet a nice shower surprise? It takes skill to actually get someone to follow you around the house with such blindness that he never sees it coming. Then, of course, there was the time when I managed to get Blackie drunk. That poor kitty still begs and pleads for more carbonated kitty water. Now, it's nightly entertainment to watch him open up the refrigerator and stumble out with a few bottles.

However, the best prank I have ever done has nothing to do with my friend, Blackie. It was with my sister, Isis. Now before you get upset, reader, please understand: My sister is too easy a target to let alone. If you were here in this house, you would probably be drawn to her gullible nature like bees to honey.

It all started as we gathered in the living room to watch television one evening. The human pet was laying on the couch, Isis was snuggled on the loveseat, and I was perched high on the back of the same couch as my sister. We were observing commercials when suddenly, flashing lights and bright wording zoomed onto the screen. I glanced over to the human pet to see if she knew what it all meant, and she reached for the remote, muttering, "Stupid Lotto Texas."

As the human pet felt around the table and underneath the couch for the remote, I watched as two homo sapiens stood behind a machine filled with bouncing, white balls. One of the humans excitedly said, "Tonight's drawing is for over thirteen million dollars. Let's see what lucky numbers are going to bring this jackpot to life!" The other human reached into the machine and pulled out a ball while the speaker announced what number was on it. They continued in this fashion five more times, and at the end, both humans stated that they "hoped you were a winner!"

After the lottery ended, I let out an intrigued purr as I laid on the couch. The wheels in my mind began turning as a plan was being concocted. I wonder...no, it's almost too easy...I couldn't...oh, what the hell...

A week later as the lotto was about to come on, I casually padded back into the bedroom and with a soft touch, turned on the television. I jumped off of the bed to see if either of my adversaries had noticed the noise, but the human pet and Isis both remained in the living room, unaware of my movements. Turning my attention back to the television, I mimicked the scratchings of the human pet and brought up the menu for the TiVo.

"Would you like to record this showing?"

"Oh yes. Very much so."

Day two of my operation was harder than the first. I entered into the computer room to create the final piece in my puzzle and slid into the chair. I opened up Microsoft Paint, created the proper size box, harnessed the power of the text box, and added a bit of coloring to the side. I was careful to place the numbers exactly in the correct order. It was perfect! I hit print and snatched my masterpiece. Before anyone could spot me, I ran into the bedroom and hid it under the bed.

It was hard to keep my cool until ten o'clock that night, but somehow, I managed. As the time drew closer, I casually padded my way up to Isis who was curling up in her pet bed. "Psst! Psst! Psst!"

Isis' eyes blinked several times, and she rubbed at her nose. "What is your problem?! Stop spitting on me!"

"I need you to come to the bedroom with me. It's an emergency!"

"You know, Mama told me about how boys use these stupid lines on you to get you into bed, and guess what, Zeus? I'm not falling for it!"

I hung my head and sighed. Isis was a special kind of stupid which required a special kind of tactic. "Look: I just need you to come back there for one moment. I'm having problems getting one of our toy mice from under the bed, and you're smaller than me. Would you be able to get it for me please?"

Isis went into a deep, long stretch and said, "I suppose, but you're going to owe me." I followed her back into the bedroom with a smirk.

As Isis looked under the bed for the nonexistent mouse, I leapt onto the covers and flipped through the various recordings until I found the one of the lottery. I let it play as I tucked the falsified lottery ticket nonchalantly into the sheets. I then sat back on my haunches, waiting patiently.

"I can't find it. Are you sure you lost it down here?"

Just then, the loud cacophony accompanied by the flashing lights began. It was time.

"Isis..."

"Did you hear me? I said I can't find it."

"I think you better get back up here."

"What is your problem, chunky butt?! You ask me to come in here, and then you tell me that -"

"Isis, I really mean it! Get up here now!"

Isis crawled out from under the bed and jumped on top of the covers. The numbers began streaming across the screen, and I left my jaw wide open in disbelief. Isis looked at the television with a tilt of her head and then turned her gaze on me.

"What? It's just the lottery," she said.

"Look!"

I pointed at the card tucked away in the sheets. As Isis flicked it out from under its confines with her claws, I paused the recording, leaving the numbers lined up across the screen. Isis read the numbers and then looked at the screen. Her eyes grew large, and once again, she checked each number and confirmed it with the screen.

"HOLY MOTHER OF CATFISH! WE WON! WE WON!"

She snatched the ticket in her teeth and leapt off of the bed, running as fast as she could into the computer room. I flipped onto my back, rolling with laughter. I didn't need to be in that room to hear what happened next.

"Isis, where did you find this?"

Isis apparently tried to tell the human pet the whole story, but unfortunately for her, all the human pet heard was meow, meow, meow!

"Isis, this isn't funny. It's a fake lotto ticket done with Microsoft Paint. Go play with Zeus or something."

As I lay on the bed with tears of laughter streaming down my face, Isis came back into the room. She stood in the doorway with an evil glare in her eye as she said, "I want you to know I hate you. I really, honestly, truly hate you." She turned and walked away with her tail straight in the air, attempting to recover some sense of her lost dignity.

All I could do was laugh harder.

Christmas Secret Paws

Christmas must have come early for me! What could be inside?

Well, would you look at that? My very own stocking! I especially like the fact that it shows my correct standing in The House.

A proper Texan feline should never be seen without his bandana. Thank you, Conner Cloud, for the great Secret Paw gift!

Wait a minute. You got a gift too, Isis?

Of course, I got a gift, chunky butt! It's not all about you!

This is one nice blanket. Mind if I lay here with you?

Yes, I mind! You never share your toys with me so why should I share with you?

Prepare to feel my frustrations, Octopus!

Mmm...tasty! Thank you, Ratsies of Poiland, for the fabulous Secret Paw gifts!

Updates just for you

Today was filled with lots of hard work, and it is all for you, dear reader! If you are new to the blog, or you just want to catch up on things that you have missed, please check out any one of the three new reference areas found in the Links section:

Bona Fide Classics: This section will point you to some of the more interesting posts found within The Zeus Excuse archives.

Common Routines: This section features regular articles such as my infamous interviews, my tips on wooing females, and of course, my Thursday Thirteens.

The Amazing Zeus Series: If you ever wanted to read the entire story, all of the articles are ordered from beginning to end for your viewing pleasure.

Reveal Your Blog Crush 2006

As I was browsing the internet late this evening, I came across a notice thanks to my new friend, Bone. Apparently, December 15 was marked the day to come out and proclaim to one and all your blog crush. I perused the definition, read the rules, and I believe I have three big blog crushes:

1. Memoirs of a Feline Empress in Exile: If you haven't read the fabulous life of Kukka-Maria, you just don't know what you're missing. She's the reason I wake up from my seven naps a day, the reason the kibble tastes so delightful, the reason I have that special spring in my step as I enter my litterbox. She's simply divine.

2. The Ayatollah's Teachings: Bow down and worship the pug! Ayatollah Mugsy and his Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) bring fresh, new insight into the mysterious and somewhat misunderstood religious sect known as Pug Life Ministries. Be sure to leave some doggie biscuits in the collection baskets!

3. For All The World To See: You know you love a blog when you attempt to visit it incessantly even though your browser crashes every time you open it up. Though I have been having problems lately visiting my friend, Colleen, that doesn't stop the fact that she is a force in creativity and ingenuity. Definitely check her out when you have a moment!

Now that I have revealed my blog crushes, please check any of the following that apply:

___ I like you too, Zeus

___ I don't like you, Zeus

___ Yes, we can go steady

___ No, we cannot go steady

___ BFF!

Survival letter to Bear

Dear Bear,

I have been watching your show, Man vs. Wild, for the past five weeks. At first, I wasn't sure whether or not you were a real "survivor". After all, it's quite clear there are people with you as you traipse about the hellish location of the day, but I haven't seen these mystery people joyously jump into a frozen lake just to show others how to properly get out, ravenously dig a snow cave into the glistening face of a mountain, or eagerly attempt to ride a wild horse while traveling the Sierras.

I've come to the conclusion that you don't get a lot of help from those camera technicians, and that even if they did know how to save you from some diabolical predicament, they'd probably record your death for an upcoming show.

If you have a moment, I have two questions.

One: Why is your name Bear? Is there some sort of funny story to this? You have no idea how long I was confused every time I watched. It's quite disorienting to see a man named Bear; your world flips topsy-turvy.

Two: I failed horribly at your Life or Death Survival Game. Who knew a wooden pole could perform so many functions, but I digress... Because of my disappointing performance on this test of skill, I was hoping you might show me in person how to survive out in the wild. Would it be possible for me to join you on your next expedition so that I might learn first-hand from the master?

I hope to hear from you soon, and I will be watching the Discovery Channel tonight at 9 pm Eastern to see your latest adventure!

Thursday Thirteen, Edition 18

With my human pet accompanying me, I toured the town to find the most interesting selection of Christmas lights for my Thursday Thirteen. It is up to you, dear reader, to select one as the best and one as the worst. Make sure to post as such in the comments! Without further adieu, I bring you:

Zeus' Thirteen Lights of Christmas

1. Thoughtful, sensible, and at times, classy:

2. Mixing your whites and your colors:

3. How many items can fit on your front lawn:

4. Clearly, a lot according to House #4:

5. Not sure what the color scheme is here:

6. Christmas cows or Christmas pigs? You decide:

7. Welcome to Candy Land:

8. Nascar Santa:

9. Proof that Santa does land on your roof:

10. Simple and clean:

11. Sometimes, Santa doesn't use a sleigh. He uses a plane:

12. A vast array of color for the eye:

13. This Christmas tree is over 40 feet tall:

My friend, Mr. Hand

And now, without further ado, I'd like to introduce my right hand man..err..go to person..friend, Mr. Hand!



This is just proof that if I can blog, so can your hand when you're not paying attention.

State bill shows promise for feline rights

Recently, a state legislator by the name of Edmund Kuempel from Seguin, Texas proposed a new bill which would give persons with vision impairments the right to hunt. Currently, those who are legally blind are not allowed to hunt due to the possible endangerment of other people. Kuempel, however, feels that persons with vision impairments are being wrongly discriminated against, and that this injustice can only be solved with two things:

Laser sights and "a buddy".

Under his proposed bill, a person with vision impairments will be allowed to use laser sights while hunting. Individuals with proper vision who hunt are not currently permitted to use such devices. The buddy would be a sighted individual who helps the blind hunter by providing verbal cues as to where to point the gun and when to shoot.

I've recently come to the conclusion that I too am being wrongly discriminated against when it comes to driving a car. My opposable thumbs, short stature, and inability to stay in an upright position for longer than five seconds should prove no obstacle to obtaining a driver's license considering all of the possible modifications that exist for automobiles these days. I challenge those who would say that my driving would be a danger to others! I could be no worse than some of the homo sapiens out there.

I too could have someone be my "buddy" and assist me in driving the car: telling me when to turn, when to press the breaks, and guiding me with my parallel parking. After all, it's my understanding that some of the new Lexus' have the capability to park all on their own. Couldn't the same technology be used to assist me as only a true "buddy" can? What's to stop we felines from stepping behind the wheel of a car now?

Look out, DMV! Here I come!

Illegal Arana

While living in The House, I have taken note of almost every creature that lives within its walls. In the summer, we have received an influx of mosquito hawks. Though I suspect they serve some purpose, their long wings and slender, lithe limbs make them an excellent form of protein which I cannot deny. There have been various flies that have come in and out on occasion, sneaking through the borders of our front or back doors. They too are usually met with a quick and playful death. We have even gotten a cockroach or two, and while I know that they could survive an atomic bomb, that doesn't mean they will (or should) survive my sister or I.

Needless to say, I'd like to think I run a tight ship, and yet, I was shocked to discover that there was an undocumented spider living in the right-hand corner of our living room. At first, I thought it was just a speck on the ceiling, but as the webs began to appear, I knew there was more to this speck than met the eye. It seemed the spider had been setting up residence in The House - right under my nose!

Horrified and appalled at this atrocity, I observed the spider daily. Each and every day, the spider appeared at some corner of the living room: its hundred eyes scanning the area. I began to wonder why it only went to corners, and I further speculated on what it was looking for. Was there some food source here? After all, I kept the house in tip-top shape. That was impossible. Was the spider trying to find some work as an interior decorator? Did this web nonsense get cleared with me? Absolutely not. What was the purpose for this illegal entry into my domain?

I decided to have a talk with the spider. Perhaps the spider hadn't known it was illegally on my land. Maybe this was just a misunderstanding - one that could be solved with a quick bite and a swift swallow.

I padded softly to the spider's corner of the day and while looking up asked, "Excuse me, but do you know you are in my House?"

With grace, the spider slid along a thin, transparent cord of its own silk until it nearly hung on top of my nose. "This is your house?"

"Yes, it's my House. I said it was my House," I replied with a snort.

"Hmm, I hadn't known cats could own houses. This is quite a surprise. Forgive my ignorance. My name is Arana." The spider seemed to bow with all eight of its legs bending.

"Hello, Arana. My name is Zeus, and now that you know this is my House, you will understand my asking you to kindly leave." I looked Arana square in his eyes. He needed to know I meant business.

"But Zeus, I cannot do that. My family needs me to be here." The spider returned my intense stare with a look of slight confusion. "You see, I came to this House so that I could support my family on the Outside. I bring them food and help out with my wife's necessities. It's extremely expensive to take care of 300,000 children."

My jaw nearly hit the floor: "I'm sorry, but did you just say 300,000 children?"

Arana nodded solemnly. "I love each and every one of them. There's Pablo, Lolita, Nikki, Rocarlo,..."

"Ok, ok. But why should I let you stay here? After all, you came in quite illegally. You never cleared your stay with me, and I have no idea where you came from."

Arana thought for a moment, and then responded, "I do the jobs you will not do, Zeus."

I raised one eyebrow suspiciously at the spider. "Oh really? Are you calling me lazy, Arana?"

"I would never do such a thing. However, I have noticed that you do not enjoy eating the random bees or wasps that may enter the house, and I do have a certain knack for handling those pesky invaders. I understand the human that lives here hates those insects with a passion. Surely, she would love my services."

I sat back on my haunches and considered what Arana had said. It was true. I didn't enjoy swatting at bees or wasps. In fact, I believe I only had done so one time, and it was not a very pleasant experience. I had to admit that the spider struck a good point.

"You are correct in what you say, Arana. I do hate the bees and wasps. I suppose you can stay, and I won't deport you to the front lawn. I do have to ask though: If you're going to stay here permanently and move your children in, can we talk about it first? That's a lot of children to accomodate."

"Consider it done, Zeus," said Arana.

I added, "And if you decide to travel between the House and Outside, could you just let me know when you're coming and going?"

"I think that's only fair," the spider responded.

So in the end, I managed to gain a friendly companion in my daily work around this House. I handle all of the flies, mosquito hawks, and cockroaches while Arana takes care of the bees and wasps. So far, it has been a pleasant relationship - even if Arana spins a web or two on my nose while I sleep as a practical joke. I'm certainly grateful I spoke to Arana first rather than putting the bite on him.

The end is in sight!

It has been a long and trying semester. Sometimes, I thought I would lose my mind from the utter lack of attention I received. There were days when I did not get fed until 9:00 p.m. The house went completely downhill with slipcovers not covering the couches and dishes piled high in the sink. Let's not forget that our litterbox sometimes did not get changed every day. The atrocities we have lived through will be a haunting memory because...

All of this madness ends tonight.

The human pet takes her final for her Educational Research class. Let's hope she gets an A so we never have to live through this hell twice.

How smart is your cat?

After finding out how smart certain dogs were, some of my readers were upset by the lack of information pertaining to feline intelligence. Some wondered if there was even an IQ test for us, and to be honest, I had not held on to hope. However, after some investigative work, I am pleasantly surprised to let you know that you have some choices when it comes to testing your cat's intellectual capacity!

1. Wuzzle.org has a paper and pencil cat IQ test that you can take. I am a bit doubtful as to the validity of this test as it only has eight questions. Surely, there's more to life than eight measley questions.

2. This IQ test involves a hoop and some treats. I'm curious what makes these scientists think that my girth is going to fit through a hoop. Granted, I have been dieting, but I'm not certain I even want to jump through a hoop for my human pet. Should that be held against me?

3. The Cat I.Q. Test by Melissa Miller has tremendous potential to be worthwhile. I might just purchase this book for my human pet as a gift for Christmas. Well, truth be told, it's more for me than it is for her, but she won't even recognize the hidden motive.

Tests have to be used many times before they can be proven to be reliable and valid so why not help out the cause? Try some of these tests, and feel free to come by and share your results with us here!

Thursday Thirteen, Edition 17

Thirteen Human Behaviors During the Holidays That I Simply Do Not Understand

1. Having drank fifteen beers at the annual office holiday bash, you decide to tell your boss what you really think of him.

2. On Black Friday, you decide to get into a fight over a pair of cashmere gloves with a perfect stranger simply because she touched them. However, your proximity to the gloves meant you had actually claimed them.

3. You debate over whether or not you should purchase a gift for your mail carrier. You decide not to because it might get returned to sender.

4. It's acceptable not to pay bills during the holiday season because after all, no one is paying their bills during the holiday season. That's what the word holiday means.

5. No interest until 2007 sounds like an absolutely fabulous deal - until you realize that 2007 is in three weeks.

6. At a different office party, you decide to reveal your tank top...then your bra...then your naked chest to all. When asked why you did it later, you blame it on the spiked fruit punch.

7. You judge your worth based on the amount of Christmas cards you receive.

8. You debate over whether or not to buy an upside-down Christmas tree as it is the new trend for the season because it can hold more gifts underneath its branches thanks to the extra space.

9. Holiday lights on your home: A Christmas hit or Christmas blunder?

10. Procrastination! Buying your spouse that Ohhh so special gift at Walgreens on Christmas Eve. Don't forget to look in the bargain bin for that one dollar box of Easter Peeps as a stocking stuffer. Every kiss may begin with k, but every fight begins with f.

11. It's perfectly acceptable to pretend openly that you enjoy receiving that horrendous bag of one dollar stretchy and smelly plastic toys (and let's not forget the yellow goo that makes fart noises when you put your finger into it!) as a secret santa gift in front of the entire office.

12. The ideal gift for that "old fart" in your life: "Over the hill Champagne". Like that special someone, it has no fizz!

13. Saving money during the holiday season means breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend prior to December.

How smart is your dog?

According to Stanley Coren, author of The Intelligence of Dogs, there are three distinct types of intelligence for canines:

1. Adaptive Intelligence - The dog's capacity for learning, his problem solving ability, and memory

2. Instinctive Intelligence - inherited areas of behavioral specialization that are unique to each dog

3. Working / Obediance Intelligence - the overall trainability of the dog

A survey was conducted by canine trainers to determine which breeds were the most intelligent. Canine trainers ranked the breeds by how quickly a dog could learn a new command (less than five repetitions) and how often they obeyed the first command given. The brightest breeds are as follows:

1. Border Collie
2. Poodle
3. German Shepherd
4. Golden Retriever
5. Doberman Pinscher
6. Shetland Sheepdog
7. Labrador Retriever
8. Papillon
9. Rottweiler
10. Australian Cattle Dog

In the same respect, the so-called dumbest dogs are:

1. Shih Tzu
2. Basset Hound
3. Mastiff / Beagle (tie)
4. Pekingese
5. Bloodhound
6. Borzoi
7. Chow Chow
8. Bulldog
9. Basenji
10. Afghan Hound

If you're curious as to whether or not this is true, why not try performing the IQ tests at home with your own canine friend? Coren has graciously uploaded his tests online, and they come with video demonstrations to make your life easier. Feel free to post your results here.

All I want for Christmas...

All I want for Christmas is an official Red Micer carbine-action 400-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the socket. Can you not just see it? I could be the fastest shot in the west! Aiming at criminal mice in the front yard, picking them off one by one with my wicked trigger claw! 'Take that, Black Bart!' I'll say, and ol' Black Bart's knees will tremble!

Is that really too much to ask for? I certainly don't think so! However, I don't seem to be getting much support from the ones who supposedly love me. Several weeks ago, I attempted to make my interest known to the human pet during breakfast. "What do you want for Christmas, Zeus? You know, Santa Claus will be coming soon," she said with a smile. I couldn't contain myself and before I knew it the words were out of my mouth as quick as lightning: "IwantanofficialRedMicercarbine-action400-shotrangemodelBBriflewithacompassinthesocket." I wish now I could take it all back for the human pet simply shook her head as she placed my food in front of me, saying, "No way, Zeus. You'll shoot my foot off."

Shortly after the kitchen incident, I saw on television a contest being held by the Red Micer Company. All you had to do was write a theme of 1000 words or less on why you wanted an official Red Micer carbine-action 400-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the socket for Christmas. I, of course, immediately took up my pencil and began to furiously scribble away. Tell me this was not a winner:

I checked my mailbox everyday to see if perhaps I won. (Granted, checking the mailbox means waiting for the human pet to bring in the letters and assorted weekly fliers, but I digress.) I sorted through every single piece of written communication only to find I had received no response. Then, several days ago, I received this correspondence:

Too short? No opposable thumbs? Shoot my human pet's foot off? Was this some sort of conspiracy against me? If I couldn't win the gun, I would have to find some way to get in touch with the man himself: Santa Claus. After all, he would surely know that I had been a good little kitty all year long, and he would recognize how deserving I was. All I needed to do was figure out a way to get to the mall, but that was almost easier said than done.

Yesterday, I had my mind set to embark on the adventure. I knew it would be a tough journey, but I had thought that with a little luck, I would make it to the mall, locate Santa Claus, let him know of my most precious wish, and be back in time for dinner. It almost went off as I had envisioned.

Early in the morning, I had printed out every picture I could find of the big, jolly man and scattered them around the house for the human pet to find. When she woke up, she almost slipped on the pieces of paper as she stumbled into the kitchen for her morning coffee. As she started to pick them up, she muttered, "This isn't subtle, Zeus. I get it. You want to see Santa Claus." I nodded, and she said, "I never knew you to be one for the malls, but alright. Get in the carrier, and I'll get your leash."

An hour later, we were off to the mall! As the human pet carried me in her arms, I was astounded by all of the sights and sounds of the holiday season. Carols streamed through the air, people walked briskly in and out of the stores, and everywhere you looked, there were colorful displays of wreaths, trees, and delightful lights. As we turned a corner, however, I could see a long line of children with their tired parents and a rather obtrusive gingerbread house at the far end. I caught the smallest glimpse of red velvet trimmed in white, and my excitement flooded over me!

Santa!

I leapt out of the human pet's arms and dashed for the man! The human pet screamed, "Zeus, wait! Get back here," but I didn't have time. This was my only shot, and I had to take it. Surely, the human pet would understand, wouldn't she?

Weaving in and out of the children and darting away from the shocked and bewildered parents, I ran to the front of the line. As a little girl with pigtails got off of Santa's lap, I jumped into the air and landed upon him.

Santa gazed down at me with his bloodshot, glassy blue eyes. He smelled of Jack Daniels, and his beard was more than a bit unkempt. I looked passed all of it as I gazed into his eyes. He said with a drunken slur, "Umm, ho, ho, ho! I didn't know cats visited with Santa! Where's your owner at, little one?"

"AllIwantforChristmasisanofficialRedMicercarbine-action400-shotrangemodelBBriflewithacompassinthesocket!!!"

Santa sat back in his chair and furrowed his brows. "Why do you want that, kitty? You'll shoot your owner's foot off."

Noooooo! Santa put me back on the ground and as the next child stepped forward, I made my way back to my human pet. There was no hope now. Not even Santa Claus would give me the very object of my desire.

The human pet picked me up off of the floor and stroked me behind the ears, but I couldn't even muster the will to purr. "Did you get to tell Santa Claus what you wanted for Christmas, Zeus?" I said nothing. The tears simply would not come. Even as we rode home in the car, my soul was null and void.

There's no way I'll ever get a Red Micer carbine-action 400-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the socket now.

The Hanged Kitty?

I sure hope this isn't literal:

You are the Hanged Man

Self-sacrifice, Sacrifice, Devotion, Bound.

With the Hanged man there is often a sense of fatalism, waiting for something to happen. Or a fear of
loss from a situation, rather than gain.

The Hanged Man is perhaps the most fascinating card in the deck. It reflects the story of Odin who offered himself as a sacrifice in order to gain knowledge. Hanging from the world tree, wounded by a spear, given no bread or mead, he hung for nine days. On the last day, he saw on the ground runes that had fallen from the tree, understood their meaning, and, coming down, scooped them up for his own. All knowledge is to be found in these runes.

The Hanged Man, in similar fashion, is a card about suspension, not life or death. It signifies selflessness, sacrifice and prophecy. You make yourself vulnerable and in doing so, gain illumination. You see the world differently, with almost mystical insights.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Memoirs of a Feline Geisha

This morning when I woke up, I found Isis in the powder room. She had jumped onto the counter and was tilting her head side to side while she gazed intently into the mirror. From my position on the floor, I wasn't too sure what she had found. Whatever it was certainly had her attention.

I decided to leap onto the toilet seat to get a better vantage point. I knew that if Isis hadn't turned around by now, then she was completely oblivious to my presence. It gave me a distinct advantage.

What I saw nearly made my jaw hit the toilet:



"What in blue blazes are you doing?" I stammered.

Isis turned to look at me, and it was clear she had been tampering with the human pet's make-up bag.

"The human pet is going to kill you! You don't just stick your face in the powder and lap at the tubes of lipstick! What has gotta into you?" I was really concerned by this point that my sister had gone and lost her mind.

But then she said, "You know, for someone who writes a segment entitled Wooing Females, you sure are sexist. This is how you seduce males!"

"Says who?" I asked.

Isis leaned back and smirked as she said, "I'm sorry, but pardon me? Have I found something that you do not know about? Please let me know so I can write this down on my calendar."

"Bah! Just tell me!" I cried.

"The Mama and I watched Memoirs of a Geisha the other night, and well, that tells you all you need to know concerning the ways of female seduction." Isis appeared rather pleased with herself as she snatched a quick glance at herself in the mirror.

"The ways of female seduction, yes...if you're an onsen geisha or even an oiran. However, if you're just a geisha, you're not seducing anyone, at least not on purpose," I replied.

Isis swirled her head back in my direction. "Did you see the movie?"

"No, I didn't, but,..."

She screamed, "Then you don't know what you're talking about!"

I shrugged and jumped down from the toilet seat. I didn't have to wait long for the human pet to wake up and crawl into the powder room to get ready for her workday. Unfortunately, she had quite the surprise waiting for her. Needless to say, I don't think Isis or the human pet had a very good "Ba-da-da-da-daaaaa, I'm-lovin'-it" morning after that discovery.