Saturday, May 13, 2006

The Toonces' Interview

Through much research, I was able to track down the one and only Toonces, The Driving Cat. It was not easy since Toonces had remained aloof and practically a recluse since the late 80's. It had been rumored that he was eating out of trash cans and living out of a cardboard box somewhere in the Hollywood Hills. I found this hard to believe, and I was further motivated to get to the truth.

Luckily, Steve Martin, who had worked with Toonces, had one of his many assistants provide me with some contact information, and as it happened, I managed to secure this phone interview with the talented feline.

Zeus: Hello, Toonces! I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with me today.

Toonces: Not a problem, Zeus. I had actually read your interview with Azrael, and I immediately wanted to be one of those lucky cats who appeared on your blog.

Zeus: Well, what a very nice compliment! I'm glad you enjoyed my work! I had been reading over your last public interview that you did with Jekke Blandt, and I was wondering if you could tell us how your rehabilitation was coming. You had some serious addictions back then.

Toonces: It's been a long, long road. Currently, I am a certified pilot for American West as I said before. I really enjoy being behind the wheel, cruising the skies at altitudes of 70,000 feet. It gives me this feeling that nothing bad can happen. Of course, when I get ready to land the plane, I've noticed that's when everyone tends to freak out.

Zeus: Why do you think that is?

Toonces: It's not like I have the best track record for coming to a safe stop. I mean, that's only natural people get nervous, and it's going to take people time to get over their false perceptions of me. (A small sipping noise is heard in the background.)

Zeus: Do you think you get fair treatment in comparison to the homo sapien pilots?

Toonces: I didn't get fair treatment when I was on Saturday Night Live so I didn't expect to be treated fairly at American West. Homo sapiens think that just because you don't have opposable thumbs that you can't drive. They think that you need to walk on two legs instead of four in order to reach the peddles. Humans don't understand that if a feline wants to do something, a feline will find a way to make it happen.

Zeus: So you consider yourself a pioneer, a civil feline rights activist in a sense?

Toonces: Of course! I may not be on television any more, but that doesn't mean the fight stops! Specieism, wherever it may be found, must be stopped. (Slurping can be heard.)

Zeus: You don't think that your stay at the Betty Ford Center might be the reason people, both feline and homo sapien alike, worry when you attempt to land the plane?

Toonces: I suppose it's possible, but who hasn't had twenty-three drinks in one night before? I mean, everyone's done it at some point or another.

Zeus: I haven't.

Toonces: Well, ok. Almost everyone.

Zeus: So is there any validity to the claim that you are living in poverty in the Hollywood Hills?

Toonces: Absolutely not. I have been very lucky that my wife and I and our twenty-some kittens get to stay with Dana Carvey. Granted, he lets us stay outside on his patio, so I suppose that's where the rumors are coming from.

Zeus: Do you think you will do any work in acting in the future?

Toonces: I think that part of my life is over. I have a much deeper passion for what I am doing right now. Piloting is driving, but on a much larger scale.

Zeus: Yeah, and you can kill people on a much larger scale.

Toonces: That's not being positive. (Slurps his drink) Man, this White Russian is fantastic!

Zeus: Gasp!

Toonces: Umm, this interview is over. I have no further comment. I have a plane I need to cra-- I mean, drive in an hour.

Zeus: NO!

Click!

14 comments:

Les Trois Chats said...

Oh dear. My grandma was not a big SNL fan, but she still laughs when she thinks of Toonces. She will be sad to learn what he is up to. Perhaps I shouldn't tell her?!?

CatDonna & Cats said...

Heeheehee!

Oh, the horrors of Hollywood.

Sorry this comes a bit late, but CONGRATULATIONS! :)

Fat Eric said...

This was a funny interview, Zeus, even though I have no idea who Toonces is. My mum says this is because he was on a programme which was never on here in the UK. You are a good celebrity interviewer!

Zeus said...

Maybe I need to find some felines who are international then! Perhaps you could give me some leads to follow, Fat Eric? I'm not familiar with the hip cats in Britain.

Beau Beau & Angie said...

We're out of the loop too with the Toonces but it seems funny just coz of your awesome interviewing skills.

Catnabbit said...

We have been wondering what Toonces has been up to since we spoke with him about our article about him. Now we know, thanks!

Boni said...

Oh oh. He shoulda had my russianless white russians instead!

Kukka-Maria said...

Because of my strong love for SNL, Toonces has always been a sort-of hero to me. Except he was just on the show and I want to host the show. And, come on...who hasn't stayed on Dana Carvey's patio?!

Nonetheless, this stellar interview, telling the tragic tale of alcoholism, specieism and terrifying airplane rides, brought a tear to my eye.

"TOONCES...WATCH OUT!!"

DEBRA said...

Ah yes ... Toonces... brings back lots of memories.

I don't think I want to use American West as my airline of choice now...

*ABBY

Luna said...

ops! is a big post for me, I can read all!I need a traslate maybe! =^^= haha!

Cheysuli said...

Hmm... WHile I agree with the problems of specisism and such, I'm not always certain that Toonces is the best representative in his field...

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Hmmm...we must agree with Chey. This guy is not a good representation of felines. We need someone that puts us in a good light...not some alcoholic bozo.

Mouse said...

This is a little off topic, but does a byootiful kitty named Isis live with you? she visited me and when I click on her profile, you come up. Not that I dont want to see you (love the in depth interview by the way) but I want to see my twin. Oh, and by the way, the reason she looks like that is because when she was created, God knew she was special and gave her every color in order to let every one else know it too. At least that is what mommy says about me.

The Meezers said...

Was your human pet's interview today? we hope it went well!