The Toonces' Interview

Through much research, I was able to track down the one and only Toonces, The Driving Cat. It was not easy since Toonces had remained aloof and practically a recluse since the late 80's. It had been rumored that he was eating out of trash cans and living out of a cardboard box somewhere in the Hollywood Hills. I found this hard to believe, and I was further motivated to get to the truth.

Luckily, Steve Martin, who had worked with Toonces, had one of his many assistants provide me with some contact information, and as it happened, I managed to secure this phone interview with the talented feline.

Zeus: Hello, Toonces! I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with me today.

Toonces: Not a problem, Zeus. I had actually read your interview with Azrael, and I immediately wanted to be one of those lucky cats who appeared on your blog.

Zeus: Well, what a very nice compliment! I'm glad you enjoyed my work! I had been reading over your last public interview that you did with Jekke Blandt, and I was wondering if you could tell us how your rehabilitation was coming. You had some serious addictions back then.

Toonces: It's been a long, long road. Currently, I am a certified pilot for American West as I said before. I really enjoy being behind the wheel, cruising the skies at altitudes of 70,000 feet. It gives me this feeling that nothing bad can happen. Of course, when I get ready to land the plane, I've noticed that's when everyone tends to freak out.

Zeus: Why do you think that is?

Toonces: It's not like I have the best track record for coming to a safe stop. I mean, that's only natural people get nervous, and it's going to take people time to get over their false perceptions of me. (A small sipping noise is heard in the background.)

Zeus: Do you think you get fair treatment in comparison to the homo sapien pilots?

Toonces: I didn't get fair treatment when I was on Saturday Night Live so I didn't expect to be treated fairly at American West. Homo sapiens think that just because you don't have opposable thumbs that you can't drive. They think that you need to walk on two legs instead of four in order to reach the peddles. Humans don't understand that if a feline wants to do something, a feline will find a way to make it happen.

Zeus: So you consider yourself a pioneer, a civil feline rights activist in a sense?

Toonces: Of course! I may not be on television any more, but that doesn't mean the fight stops! Specieism, wherever it may be found, must be stopped. (Slurping can be heard.)

Zeus: You don't think that your stay at the Betty Ford Center might be the reason people, both feline and homo sapien alike, worry when you attempt to land the plane?

Toonces: I suppose it's possible, but who hasn't had twenty-three drinks in one night before? I mean, everyone's done it at some point or another.

Zeus: I haven't.

Toonces: Well, ok. Almost everyone.

Zeus: So is there any validity to the claim that you are living in poverty in the Hollywood Hills?

Toonces: Absolutely not. I have been very lucky that my wife and I and our twenty-some kittens get to stay with Dana Carvey. Granted, he lets us stay outside on his patio, so I suppose that's where the rumors are coming from.

Zeus: Do you think you will do any work in acting in the future?

Toonces: I think that part of my life is over. I have a much deeper passion for what I am doing right now. Piloting is driving, but on a much larger scale.

Zeus: Yeah, and you can kill people on a much larger scale.

Toonces: That's not being positive. (Slurps his drink) Man, this White Russian is fantastic!

Zeus: Gasp!

Toonces: Umm, this interview is over. I have no further comment. I have a plane I need to cra-- I mean, drive in an hour.

Zeus: NO!

Click!